Is there anything I can do?

[Confused935]

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on here. Just looking for some advice from anyone who might have been in a similar situation as me.

 

Me and my partner have been in a committed gay relationship for just under 3 years. He was 18 when we met and I was 22 - it was very serious, very quickly. We both told each other that it was love at first sight. I had honestly never felt that way about anyone before. We had our fair share of bickering, and small arguments - but in my opinion not more than the average couple. Last year, I was completely blindsided when he turned around and said that he was too young for commitment, wanted to be single and enjoy the ‘single’ life. However, after three days of us talking (and me taking it really hard) we decided to give it a go as he told me that he wanted us to make it work. 11 months later, we had got ourselves in the position where we were about to buy a house (I feel like with me being older it was more something that I wanted, although he told me frequently how excited he was). He was not saving as much as I was, which was causing some arguments - but despite all that I always thought we were incredibly happy. We both called each other best friends and we had a very active social life (however that was always me and him with our friends, instead of him being on his own - he doesn’t have a huge social circle)

 

3 weeks ago, after we had an argument about money, we spent a whole day without talking - which had never happened in the whole relationship. He called me Late that night and said that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that I should get over him - before blocking me and refusing to talk to me. I was taken aback and very shocked - It was such a loving relationship, although perhaps sometimes intense. Since then, I have been incredibly needy, begging him to take me back and telling him that getting a house can wait. He says he wants to be single, wants to go out with his friends and he is already on multiple dating sites. Despite everything I have never been unkind to him, I have stuck up for him to our friends and my family - however he won’t even give me the time of day and says that seeing him to talk about it is out of the question.

 

I have sent him a lot of texts, tried to call him repeatedly and most of those have gone unanswered with him saying that he doesn’t care and I need to move on. Which is hard for me because I feel like he is in crisis mode, I have heard he is experimenting with lots of drinks and other substances and I feel like he is making a big mistake.

 

I am now trying to give him the space he has asked for, has anyone been in a situation like this? Is there anything I can do to help the situation? I am finding it difficult because the person that I knew would never have treated me like this. I am being treated like I have done something wrong - when all I am guilty of is wanting to settle down. I am quite insecure, and at times he probably felt like I was being a bit controlling - but all I have ever wanted is for him to be happy. Am I fighting a lost cause trying to pursue something with him? (He is 21 and I am 25)

[Adiron]

all I have ever wanted is for him to be happy

 

 

If this is true then leave him alone. He's happy without you.

 

 

If it's not true, and you really don't care about his happiness and are only concerned about your own needs and wants and feelings then keep trying to contact him even though he made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. It won't get you anywhere but at least you'll be honest with yourself.

[Confused935]

If this is true then leave him alone. He's happy without you.

 

 

If it's not true, and you really don't care about his happiness and are only concerned about your own needs and wants and feelings then keep trying to contact him even though he made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. It won't get you anywhere but at least you'll be honest with yourself.

 

 

Thanks for your honesty - yes I do want him to be happy. But at the same time, I know he was very happy when we were together (I didn’t get the impression otherwise) I feel like the pressure of getting a house maybe got too much for him and he has gone into some sort of panic. I think he is also feeling like the grass may be greener. I need to give him space now, I guess if it’s meant to be then he will get through this period in his life and realise that we were great together - or I will come to terms with it and move on and find happiness with someone else (despite how hard it is see that at present). I think deep down we are all a bit selfish, so I would be lieing if I said that I am not thinking about my own needs and wants. It’s just hard to accept having someone that wants to talk to you all the time and share every aspect of their life with you, to treating you like someone who is a stranger the next day.

[d0nnivain]

When you started he was a teenager. Now he's an adult, at least on paper. He probably did a lot of changing & growing in those 3 years, while you were already an adult.

 

 

Could he have outgrown you & the relationship?

[sdraw108]

Sadly, this is very common at this age. It takes most people until their mid to late 20s before they feel like they have "experienced" enough and are ready to settle down. If you try to pin someone down before they have gone through this phase and come out of the other side, it will usually end badly, in spite of the fact that they themselves will think they are perfectly content staying with you forever initially. At that age they simply aren't mature enough or experienced enough to make that judgement about themselves.

 

Unfortunately there is very little you can do other than learn from this when you reach the point that you are ready to date again. If you are looking for a long term partner then make sure you choose someone who is old enough and/or has had enough relationships that they are themselves ready to settle down.

 

Personally I now have a policy of not dating someone unless they have had at least one or two long term relationships, and are old enough to be thinking about the long term.

[Confused935]

When you started he was a teenager. Now he's an adult, at least on paper. He probably did a lot of changing & growing in those 3 years, while you were already an adult.

 

 

Could he have outgrown you & the relationship?

 

Thanks for getting back to me, I guess he could have. I always got the impression that we had both grown and changed a lot during our time together, he was always very mature for his age though. We were both very open with each other that we felt that we were a strong partnership together. We always wanted the best for each other and even since the break up he has told me that he knows we have a strong connection.

 

Just recently (before the break up) he wrote me a handwritten note telling me that I was the best thing that had happened to him and that he couldn't wait to spend his life with me. So it was all shocking to me that this is happening.

 

I think it's one of those answers I will never really know. I firmly believe that our lives were more enriched with each other - we had a lot of adventures and shared many of the same interests. I am hopeful that after some time apart, he might realise that we had something special - but I guess until he has had more of an opportunity to be his own person then I won't know.

[Confused935]

Sadly, this is very common at this age. It takes most people until their mid to late 20s before they feel like they have "experienced" enough and are ready to settle down. If you try to pin someone down before they have gone through this phase and come out of the other side, it will usually end badly, in spite of the fact that they themselves will think they are perfectly content staying with you forever initially. At that age they simply aren't mature enough or experienced enough to make that judgement about themselves.

 

Unfortunately there is very little you can do other than learn from this when you reach the point that you are ready to date again. If you are looking for a long term partner then make sure you choose someone who is old enough and/or has had enough relationships that they are themselves ready to settle down.

 

Personally I now have a policy of not dating someone unless they have had at least one or two long term relationships, and are old enough to be thinking about the long term.

 

Thank you for getting back to me, I will take all of your advice on board. There is a part of me that is still hoping that he will get this out of his system - but I can't put my life on hold I guess. As he is already on dating sites, a part of me feels that he is going to jump straight back into a new relationship - but time will tell, he might just be looking for a bit of fun or a confidence boost.

 

A lot could happen in the future, it might be that our paths will cross once more. I'm not in a position to consider dating anyone else yet, but I agree that the things that I want out of life at present are probably more in tune with someone who is older than he is. It's just a shame as he was my best mate as well as my partner - I didn't expect the age difference to ever really be an issue until now. Very Naive of me I guess