Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

[Iris The Butterfly]

Hi everyone,

 

Long post ahead. I'm having a very hard time moving on and forgetting this man, and it's been more than three months since we last spoke. I deleted his number and am doing everything I can to forget him, and can't seem to forget and move on with no closure. I had real feelings, not sure if in love but definitely started to fall. Unfortunately that doesn't go away easily.

 

Met online in October 2017. I wasn't really actively looking and was on and off the app, we talked for weeks before meeting and he was persistent and interested. We met and hit it off and he immediately set up the next date. We had three dates in the first week by his doing. By the third date, we kissed and a little touching, there was a lot of chemistry, but I remember feeling something much more than that. It wasn't just regular old attraction, there was definitely something more and the feeling was mutual. It was intoxicating. By the second week of dating, we had sex, which I agree is fast, but looking back on all my long term boyfriends, sex happened within the first couple weeks of meeting, so I didn't feel there are any rules when it comes to that. He had arranged a very romantic candlelit dinner and he really laid on the romance, which was intoxicating. Before I spent the night, I told him I wasn't looking for anything casual, he said that he wasn't seeing anyone else and this was not going to be a one night stand. The month of November went by. We saw each other, by his initiative, multiple times a week, every weekend, Friday and/or Saturday, every Sunday, and one weekday each week. I wasn't always available, and was still talking to other men at this time, but he always pursued and was very consistent, respectful, and we enjoyed many nice dates and even spent every Sunday together, cooking, going for runs, going to get massages, I would go with him while he surfed, we would watch movies, go to dinner, play board games, go run errands together, etc. Real dates and quality time. It was wonderful. It was intense but hard not to enjoy it, being together felt natural and very exciting.

 

He said in the beginning that he was liking me more and more, much more than before, but that he moves slow and isn't "insta-boyfriend". I thought at the time, and told him that I felt the same way, we're just getting to know each other. He said that he considered me girlfriend material, how great I was, but that he was just getting to know me, I said the same.

 

No longer just blinded by our lust and attraction, in time we discovered that we really got along well and had a lot in common that was different than the connections we felt with others. He did say once that he never had the sexual desire and connection that he has with me with any other woman, including his long term relationships. Aside from the chemistry, it was so easy to spend hours, days, nights together. It felt natural and effortless. During the month of December he began integrating himself more and more into my friendships and got to know many of my close friends and I met his. We went Christmas shopping together, once he asked me to show him what kind of purses I liked because he noticed that the clutch I carried sometimes was getting worn. He picked me up from work when my car was being serviced. He set up his keyboard for me to play while I was at his house because he loved to hear me play. He did little acts of service like ordering me things on Amazon, assisting me at home, being a lending ear, just being very present and caring. As the holidays progressed, I could tell he was really starting to ramp up his affection, the contact increased, at times he contacted me multiple times a day, no longer just once a day or so. He wanted to spend all of his free time with me, it was almost overwhelming and became.... erratic at times. He would occasionally go out with friends on a Friday night and call me urgently to see me or just even talk. We had a very strong sexual attraction and I know that was driving a lot of his urgency but I started noticing little things that he did and said that I felt he was definitely developing feelings, infatuation at the least.

 

I would catch him staring at me when I wasn't looking. He would light up like a million watts at the sight of me. Sex was very intense but soon he became more tender and loving, would refer to it as making love, it was full on eye contact, deep kissing, he would always pleasure me, he wanted me all the time. He started holding me tight and became more and more affectionate in public, in front of my friends and his. He became more tender and protective. He became more and more urgent to see me and talk to me, it was like he couldn't get enough. If we couldn't see each other, he was happy to take one hour, or just see me briefly. Once we even watched a movie together 'apart', talking about it on the phone but watching it separately. I was happy, I thought two months in that was normal, you're infatuated, feelings are growing, you're getting to know each other more...

 

During this time he would sometimes say "thank you for being so patient with me." I wondered what he meant. He broke up with (I don't know who did the dumping) his ex of 4 years just 3 or so months before he met me. Apparently they lived together the last 6 months of their relationship and he moved out, but she was still in the area. That was a red flag to me, and I wondered if he was really ready for something new. He insinuated that he was open to falling in love again. Clearly he was dating so he was trying to be open. So I let things develop and let him lead.

 

As the holidays progressed, we spent days upon days together. I think during this time, we became the most intimate and close. He doesn't have immediate family here, so he invited me to spend Christmas Eve with him. We had the most romantic, wonderful day and night. We went shopping and I cooked dinner at his home, it was one of the best nights I can remember. I felt very close to him. We danced in the kitchen and I was totally falling in love, I wasn't sure if it was infatuation, the hormones, or what, but it kinda scared me a little bit, not knowing if he felt the same. I picked up on a lot of little clues that I felt he was also feeling the same way, so I thought to myself, "maybe it's ok for me to open up to him and start to fall in love."

 

I had to go to my family's on Christmas Day, but he said he would love to be with me once I was back home. He waited up past midnight for me to return. We were heady in infatuation. We could not get enough of each other.

The day after Christmas we spent the whole day and night together. At one point I looked over at his phone while he was texting and all I saw was, "I miss you, A... no need to respond." 'A' was his ex. I went in the bathroom to collect myself. When I came back I confronted him about what I saw. He offered me to look at his phone. I said no, I know what I saw and told him what I saw. He denied it. We got in a little argument on the way home, our emotions were high, I was upset, we had been drinking. I told him I also talk to my ex, but just to wish each other a Merry Christmas, it wasn't anything more than that. I didn't press about her. We then got into a discussion about our dating each other. He asked me why I still had my online dating profile. Am I seeing anyone else? How was he to know what I'm doing if I'm not with him? He was jealous. I told him that yes, other men do ask me out, and he said "I'm sure they do!" He had been monopolizing my time for 2 months straight, in the beginning I was still talking with other men, but after a month or so, I stopped. I told him I didn't use my profile and hadn't logged in. He said the same as me, he was talking to other people when we first started dating. He admitted he was hooking up someone when he first met me and decided he wanted to pursue me so he cut it off with her. I asked him why, and he said "because I really wanted you." He said he is not dating other women, or looking, and he wanted to know that I wasn't either. I took that as the 'exclusive' talk, that HE brought up, but maybe I'm wrong. Our emotions were high but he tried to smooth it over. He said, "nothing has changed between us". "We're still just dating, it's only been a couple months". I was still upset about the ex text so I was being standoffish and cool. He made it up to me by very intense emotional passionate make up sex and telling me how much he liked me and how nothing has changed. The next day he apologized and admitted it was an old text, he was sorry for contradicting me and hated to see me upset. So the miss you text was from before, but why was he texting her then?! I never asked him much about her. I didn't care to know, as I felt it wasn't important as he was dating ME and I thought was developing a relationship with ME.

 

In the early hours of NYE, he called me four times in the middle of the night until I answered because he couldn't sleep and just had to talk to me. He poured out his feelings for me for the first time. Said I was the sweetest woman he's ever dated, how he cares for me so much, how I'm so good to him, sometimes he's felt he's been a jerk to me. How he missed me, even though he only saw me hours before. How I'm so wonderful, such a doll, how he respects me so highly. How he's still heartbroken over his last relationship, he's wondered if he should be dating me, he's still in a vulnerable place, etc. I asked him what he wanted, and he wanted to see me and wake up with me. He said, "let's spend NYE together. I want to be with you all day and night." And we were. We had an incredibly romantic NYE, alone. He told his buddies who were egging him on to come out that he was having dinner with me and couldn't. It was all incredibly romantic.

 

The next couple weeks went by, just the same. He invited me to game night at his family's house. I thought, hm, family? Maybe it didn't mean much to him. That week I brought up a doctor's visit, to discuss birth control options. I decided that I didn't want to use BC, which he was aware of from day one, and agreed with. We were having lots of unprotected risky sex so naturally I was a little uneasy about it and wanted to avoid pregnancy. So I brought it up to him my concerns and that maybe we should try the rhythm method, he agreed. I just wanted to avoid an accidental pregnancy. The way we were going it was very risky.

 

The next week I noticed a shift, he seemed to be a little removed. The week after out of the blue, no indication from the day before.... he called me and told me he doesn't think he can date me anymore, how he was still heartbroken, etc. How he thinks I'm so wonderful, etc. but he just got out of a meaningful relationship, and maybe that's preventing him from being ready to go deeper with me. He was drunk. He had a brunch that day that he didn't invite me to while I was at a race and he said it was with "old friends". It was MUTUAL friends with the ex, maybe she was even there, who knows. He told me to come over, baby, he's sorry for mistreating me, he really does love me, I should come snap him out of this... I was a mess. I told him if he's breaking it off with me that he would have to tell me to my face. I got there and he put his arms around me, kissed me, we tried to talk but he was drunk. He initiated sex, told me how he has feelings for me, there is obviously something between us, how he's making love to me, this isn't just sex......

the next morning I woke up very upset. He invited me into bed again, the incredible sex continued. He acted the same towards me, same affection, same connection. He just said that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he just got out of one. He's not looking for a girlfriend. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to waste your time, I'm still going through a lot, I still want this, I still want you, I just want you to know going forward... that's where I'm at. Things seemed to be getting serious with us lately and moving fast (by your own doing, dude) and I'm not ready to go down that path.

 

I said I understand, I didn't want to pressure, I was enjoying what we have together and getting to know him, and all this time has been wonderful. I tried to back off a bit and let him initiate all contact after, which he did. He wanted to be with me on my birthday, with all my friends. When everyone left he took me in his arms, told me, "I really like you, I really value our friendship." I was defensive and took it the wrong way, "oh, you just see me as a friend?" "No, no, not at all.. I don't know what will become of this between us, for all I know we could end up getting married... I just really value you and our friendship." He kissed me in the middle of the bar. I was still holding back but he still kept coming forward. He didn't stop. He bought me a new purse for my birthday, one he picked out, it was just my style, very thoughtful. We spent time together as we always had, his own doing, until one night I had to bring it up.. how I wasn't sure what he meant by slowing things down, it seemed like nothing had changed. I'm not looking for a FWB, he said "of course not, that's not what this is." I said I didn't know if it meant he wanted to see other people, he said no, (in hindsight I'm not sure I believe that) but I was upset and hurt by what he said and that I understand that he's not ready, I'm enjoying what we have but I'm not interested in anything casual, if that's where his head was at. He insisted it wasn't casual, but he just said, "I'm just not ready to take it to the next level yet." I said, ok. And I left, and gave it some space. We didn't speak for days. He reached out to me days later and told me, "I'm just going through a lot on my end, and I would like us to just be friends for now. It's kind of like that song, 'That Old Feeling'. I still enjoy your friendship and company." I thought that was a very clear DUMP. I was devastated. I responded ok, thank you for your honesty, I understand, and I value the connection we've had." I was totally torn apart. I said nothing more.

 

Days later he asked me to dinner. I said no and was out of town. Days later he contacted me asking how my trip was. I was short and didn't engage. That weekend he asked me to dinner again. By this time I was so curious I had to see him, it had been two weeks. I thought maybe he was having second thoughts. He acted the same as he always had. By the end of the night of no physical contact he put his hand on my knee. He kissed me and it was all over. One thing led to another and we had sex. This continued for 6 weeks after that "let's just be friends" comment. I tried to keep my space and didn't pursue at all. He still pursued me but not at the frequency of before. I wouldn't see him every weekend, no more every Sunday. Sometimes he would call and I wouldn't answer. He would come up with excuses to talk to me, like asking for my email address or asking advice, etc. He contacted me on Valentine's Day and wished me a Happy V Day, how I was such a catch and whether or not I was alone, that I should never forget that. And told me how he was alone. I was hurt. I told him if he thought I was such a catch, he could've asked me. The next day he called and coincidentally he was in the same neighborhood as where I was out visiting a friend. He picked me up and we got wine and ended up dancing in his living room and more passionate sex. Later that evening he was playing guitar and sang a little song to me. He said, "I care for you my love, I just need a little more time." He laughed and tried to brush it off. I thought there had to be some truth in that, a subconscious revelation.

 

I did resist him sexually many times after the 'friends' comment but damn, was it hard. I didn't want to resist him because I wanted him just the same. We didn't want to stop. During those 6 weeks he would occasionally let it slip some jealousy or possessiveness, telling me how he thought my guy friend was in love with me, how he can tell he gets a sparkle in his eyes around me, etc. and how he didn't want to hear about my previous dating experiences, how he was sure that men approach me and want me all the time, how all the men at my office probably admire and want me, etc. Sometimes he would act protective and territorial around other men, he would put his arm around me possessively or keep his eyes on me all the time. I felt like he was always watching me, if we were out in public. He didn't seem to want to take his eyes off me or let me slip away. I was wrong because he's not any part of my life anymore.

 

He was leaving the country on a trip for 2 weeks in March. The week prior he contacted me multiple times and was eager to see me using an excuse that I had promised one of my home cooked meals that he loved so much. I insisted that I give him back his shirt that I borrowed, I was going to leave it in my lobby but he insisted on coming to get it in person. He was dragging it out, and so was I. He had told me that I would be in his thoughts while he was away on his trip. Over the last week we exchanged the shirt, I hosted dinner.The second to last time that we were together he had been counting the days in between, and knew how many days it had been since he last saw me. When I walked up he lit up like a million watts and couldn't take his eyes, hands and lips off me. I agreed to go home with him. I changed my mind and put my coat on. I told him that I was confused and hurt by the way things had become because it was clear that we had feelings for each other but he was keeping me at arms length. If he was going through something with his ex, or wasn't ready, or just wanted to play the field and not commit, he should go ahead and deal with that, I'm not going to be a part of it. He listened, said he just got out of a long relationship, he just wasn't ready for another one. I said I understand, but I want something more than half in, the way it had become lately. I said that I'm not ok with sleeping with him and not knowing if he was or wanting to date other women. I started to walk out. He said he wasn't dating other women and he kissed me and took of my coat. We had incredible passionate sex, he seemed to hold me tighter, really drink me in, and we were totally intertwined and well, it appeared we really were into each other, in every way. It was impossible to break it off, even though I knew I had to take space and let it go.

 

He came over for dinner, that home cooked dinner I apparently promised him weeks before, we drank wine and talked for hours. Made dinner together, had a wonderful intimate night, same as always. No serious conversation about the relationship. He knew how I felt and what I wanted. He left. He texted me the next day, saying how much he enjoyed my singing and the song I played on guitar. The next day I wished him good luck on an exam I helped him study for over the months. A day or so later, I was walking and I thought I saw him drive by. Not sure if he saw me. I reached out, asked how his exam went, we texted back and forth, he told me in detail about it. I didn't say anything else. I knew he was leaving on his trip in the next couple days and figured he would likely be eager to see me, as he always had been. But I never heard from him. He left and returned weeks later, and we haven't spoken since the middle of March. We dated for 5 months and he just walked out of my life as if nothing ever happened, and I didn't chase.

 

I think I know why this all happened, but I don't REALLY know either. It seems he wasn't looking or ready for anything serious because he was on the rebound and once he was confronted with that possibility with me he got cold feet, and/or he didn't want to lead me on knowing I wanted more and he just wasn't in the same space. Or, who knows, maybe somewhere along the months I did or said something that turned him off. Of course I've thought about reaching out in the beginning, but I never did. I knew that if he wanted to see me or talk to me, he would, nothing had ever stopped him before. The fact that we left it on such a good note, nothing bad ever happened, there was never an argument, there was never an instance that I thought, 'yeah, we just don't have that special something, there's not that spark', quite the opposite really... and when he walked away, I just let him keep walking. I will never contact him again, although I'm sure that we will run into each other in the future, maybe. I live in a big city but it's not that big, and he frequents places in my neighborhood. It's been incredibly painful. I've dated other men, I've been trying to move on, but no one can compare to him and the connection I've felt. He really turned my world upside down. Interestingly he said the same thing to me before when he tried to pump the brakes on things.

 

I just returned from a weekend getaway. I thought it would help me forget him but it made me think of him more, because he's from that country and ironically, I heard a song at a winery that is pretty obscure and was special between us. He was helping me set up this trip for my birthday when we were dating, but it didn't happen. I went this weekend instead and when I heard that song, it brought everything back. I imagined being there with him and I could picture us listening to that song, I even played it on his keyboard, and he kept the music that I wrote to play it. It was a special song between us. I wonder sometimes, is there a reason why some people don't leave your heart? Is there unfinished business maybe? I know that we had a very intense connection and apparently a friendship that he valued, as did I. How could that just go away, I feel like he ghosted me but well, we were both honest with each other and knew where we stood. It's very hard to understand because I felt he was falling in love with me, most surely infatuated, he was invested and one of the last things he said to me in person, just sitting there watching me was, "you're a really good woman". He told me that same night that he LOVES being with me, he LOVES making love to me, etc. and he conveyed how desirable and special I was to him. Strange that he would walk away from that, someone who treated him so well, who he desired so much, who encouraged him, who was his friend, who he could trust, who he loved being with, who he respected. Doesn't make sense. Sometimes I think he went back to his ex, or he met someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me. It doesn't matter. We don't even have a friendship, no relationship at all.

 

I just want to forget, and move on. But have been unsuccessful. Any insight appreciated.

Edited June 26, 2018 by littlebridge

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Sometimes, **** happens.

[Adiron]

My advice would be to focus on other things. Don't write pages about him and the relationship like you did here. It's not productive.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Sometimes, **** happens.

I was hoping for a response in rhyme

[Iris The Butterfly]

My advice would be to focus on other things. Don't write pages about him and the relationship like you did here. It's not productive.

Certainly not productive. I was writing to vent and to give the whole story.

[N2017]

I think it does help sometimes to write it all out and just get it out, especially if you can't talk to other people around you about it. I understand that you felt a connection with him, but he was just trying to get over whatever happened with his ex-girl.

 

I know because I dated someone to get over an ex-guy. i went through the motions with them and we had lots of PDA but the whole thing was intense and short. I liked him at the time, but I had been seeing someone else at the time and I was trying to get over him and when this guy asked me out I used the opportunity to distract myself.

 

Honestly, I ended up breaking things off with him and going back to the ex. (Going back to the ex was a mistake, but hey, I'm not all that smart sometimes.)

[Iris The Butterfly]

I was hoping to get some feedback on WTF happened here and the why, how, what? I'm still scratching my head. It really has hurt me.

 

I had to come to the conclusion of a "story" in my head that made sense.

He met me, was attracted, saw 'red', pursued me sexually, romantically, was into me in every sense of the word. That stuff can't be faked. I don't believe it was untrue at the time. He even referred to himself as my "boyfriend" weeks before he said "I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now." Weeks after he said he wasn't seeing anyone else and wanted to know if I was. His feelings caught up with him, he saw that I was falling, maybe he was too, who knows... and the ex came back into the picture, and/or he met another woman or just wanted to play the field, or a combination of all.

 

I would rather have been straight up DUMPED than him just disappearing after things between us seemed just as good as always. I never would've thought in a million years that he would chicken out like that. He seemed to have no problem being honest and open before.

 

But the good news is, almost 4 months later, no contact at all.... after dating 5 months total.... I think I'm finally over it. I'm no longer sad, I'm pissed.

I think about him, I do miss the good times, but I no longer have him on a pedestal, pining away. I've wanted the answer or the decency of an apology but I'm never going to get it, I'm sure. I had to forgive him and wish him well (in my head).

 

I've been out with a couple men since and they've been nice but no real sparks and nothing has made it past 3 dates. I haven't really been excited to move on, so I've just been focusing on making connections with people in general. I went on a great first date last night. He took the initiative and pursued me months ago on Bumble and I declined even talking with him any further because I was going through all this heartbreak and he hadn't get been transferred to my state. I told him I'm not willing to be penpals and if we were still looking when he moved here, we can talk again. So, he moved here and we matched again. He was straight to the point and asked me to meet within a couple days because he didn't want to waste time and to see if there was chemistry. He chose a nice restaurant and we had a couple drinks. We had a great conversation. He asked about my most recent relationship and why it ended. I gave the condensed version.

At the end of the date he said he thought it went really well and would love to take me to dinner this weekend. I really liked his decisiveness and initiative. It just made me realize that the one I've been so hurt by is a boy, not a man. On our first date he wanted to split the check. He was jealous of other men. He was sexually aggressive. He was on the rebound, and on the damn fence. He seemed to recognize how great I was and thought I was such a catch and all that and a bag of chips and so special, he cared about me, he thought I was such a good woman. That just wasn't enough to make him commit. He just wanted to keep shopping. He wanted to play the field.

 

Today on Bumble I came across his active profile. I passed. I deleted his number last month sometime, and I think I'm ready to get those pictures out of my phone. No time for boys. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. But I still need some words of wisdom.

 

Please don't say "just move on". I'm still having a hard time forgetting. Doesn't help to see him online or to know we could easily run into each other, or that he could contact me again. I don't think he will, it's been too long and he knows he wimped out. Just so hard to understand. I crave that romance, intimacy and excitement and affection again. We had something between us for sure. It's hard to believe it could just STOP cold turkey.

 

I'm trying to keep my head up. Meeting that guy last night was a good reminder that I have other options and I am desired. My ego took a terrible hit. I don't wish ghosting on anyone.

Edited July 10, 2018 by littlebridge

[N2017]

Let's be real here. If you're pissed about it, you're not over it. You're clearly thinking about him and not over him if you're trying to generate a story about what happened and try to make sense about it. If we don't care, we don't care about making sense out of it.

 

I say this out of experience. I know when things ended with my ex a few weeks ago, I was pissed. It's been so on-and-off in the past that I've gotten used to it so it didn't take much for me not to care about what happened, but for about a week or 2 I did care. And in the past when he'd leave an come back, I'd spend all this energy trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong and so on. I probably spent the same amount of energy on that as I'm now spending on my summer calculus class.

 

I'm glad you're dating other guys. But don't do it because you're pissed. Do it because you actually like them and you're not trying to find a replica of the guy that just ghosted you. Some guys don't have balls. It's easier for them to run and hide like wusses than to have decency. Accept that you're not going to know what was going on in his brain, because you didn't even know him that well.

[stillafool]

It sounds like a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time. He still loves his ex but also has feelings for you. He's not sure he's over his ex, whether they may end up back together and in the meantime he met this wonderful girl who would make a great gf but the timing is bad because he hasn't healed. You told him you wanted the same thing (to start off as friends) but you know you didn't mean that you wanted a relationship and should have just stated it. I too think his ex was at that lunch and it brought his feelings to the forefront and he realized he isn't over her. I think he is trying to be a good guy and not hurt you but it's hard to turn down good sex when you're a guy. I think you should tell him to call you when he's over his ex and ready for a relationship with you. You won't be happy with anything else.

[Iris The Butterfly]

It sounds like a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time. He still loves his ex but also has feelings for you. He's not sure he's over his ex, whether they may end up back together and in the meantime he met this wonderful girl who would make a great gf but the timing is bad because he hasn't healed. You told him you wanted the same thing (to start off as friends) but you know you didn't mean that you wanted a relationship and should have just stated it. I too think his ex was at that lunch and it brought his feelings to the forefront and he realized he isn't over her. I think he is trying to be a good guy and not hurt you but it's hard to turn down good sex when you're a guy. I think you should tell him to call you when he's over his ex and ready for a relationship with you. You won't be happy with anything else.

 

Thank you for your response, I appreciate that.

 

Yes, he told me how he thought I have all the qualities of a girlfriend, how I'm the sweetest woman he's ever dated, how good I am to him, etc. It's left me just stumped.

 

I didn't tell him I wanted to start as friends. I told him from date 4 before we got into bed for the first time that I didn't want anything casual. He said, "I'm not seeing anyone else and this is not going to be a one night stand."

He was well aware I was interested in a relationship. But I was willing to be patient considering his situation. Once he said he didn't want a girlfriend after 3 months my patience wore thin.

 

We don't speak anymore. How can I tell him to call me when he's over his ex and ready for me? He's actively on Bumble. It's not about his ex. He just doesn't want to be with one woman if it's not with her, I suppose.

[stillafool]

I think it does help sometimes to write it all out and just get it out, especially if you can't talk to other people around you about it. I understand that you felt a connection with him, but he was just trying to get over whatever happened with his ex-girl.

 

I know because I dated someone to get over an ex-guy. i went through the motions with them and we had lots of PDA but the whole thing was intense and short. I liked him at the time, but I had been seeing someone else at the time and I was trying to get over him and when this guy asked me out I used the opportunity to distract myself.

 

Honestly, I ended up breaking things off with him and going back to the ex. (Going back to the ex was a mistake, but hey, I'm not all that smart sometimes.)

 

^^^^THIS. I've done this also after having my heart broken by someone I loved. I got with someone new, starting acting in love with lots of PDA thinking I could bring back what I felt for my ex or recreate what I had with my ex; but was faking it all the way until I felt guilty and knocked it off. Not saying that this guy doesn't feel for you but it not be at the level that you feel for him or he wouldn't let you go no matter what. He's still in love with his ex. It takes a while to get over a 4 year relationship. His affection is probably his style of loving and women love it.

[Iris The Butterfly]

It sounds like a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time. He still loves his ex but also has feelings for you. He's not sure he's over his ex, whether they may end up back together and in the meantime he met this wonderful girl who would make a great gf but the timing is bad because he hasn't healed. You told him you wanted the same thing (to start off as friends) but you know you didn't mean that you wanted a relationship and should have just stated it. I too think his ex was at that lunch and it brought his feelings to the forefront and he realized he isn't over her. I think he is trying to be a good guy and not hurt you but it's hard to turn down good sex when you're a guy. I think you should tell him to call you when he's over his ex and ready for a relationship with you. You won't be happy with anything else.

 

Thank you for your response, I appreciate that.

 

Yes, he told me how he thought I have all the qualities of a girlfriend, how I'm the sweetest woman he's ever dated, how good I am to him, etc. It's left me just stumped.

 

I didn't tell him I wanted to start as friends. I told him from date 4 before we got into bed for the first time that I didn't want anything casual. He said, "I'm not seeing anyone else and this is not going to be a one night stand."

He was well aware I was interested in a relationship. But I was willing to be patient considering his situation. Once he said he didn't want a girlfriend after 3 months my patience wore thin.

 

We stopped speaking. I'm not going to chase him. How can I tell him to call me when he's over his ex and ready for me? He's actively on Bumble. It's not about his ex really. I thought he got back with her, or wanted to, or was trying to. He just doesn't want to be with one woman if it's not with her. He's not ready, he's not healed, I understand. But imagine me seeing him online again today. It hurt me badly.

[stillafool]

Thank you for your response, I appreciate that.

 

Yes, he told me how he thought I have all the qualities of a girlfriend, how I'm the sweetest woman he's ever dated, how good I am to him, etc. It's left me just stumped.

 

I didn't tell him I wanted to start as friends. I told him from date 4 before we got into bed for the first time that I didn't want anything casual. He said, "I'm not seeing anyone else and this is not going to be a one night stand."

He was well aware I was interested in a relationship. But I was willing to be patient considering his situation. Once he said he didn't want a girlfriend after 3 months my patience wore thin.

 

We don't speak anymore. How can I tell him to call me when he's over his ex and ready for me? He's actively on Bumble. It's not about his ex. He just doesn't want to be with one woman if it's not with her, I suppose.

 

Oh, I thought he still wanted to see you and that's why I said tell him that so he will know you will not just be another FWB but a gf only.

[N2017]

My ego took a terrible hit. I don't wish ghosting on anyone.

 

This is the most true sentence that you've written. Your ego was hurt. So was mine. The real reason you're so upset right now is because you think there is something wrong with you because of his actions.

 

Same feeling I had. You're craving all the love and affection and whatever else because that would boost your ego. You're taking what he did personally and yes I know it is easy to do that but for the love of God do not do it. You were fine before you met this mysterious online man and you will be just dandy afterward.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Thank you for your response, I appreciate that.

 

Yes, he told me how he thought I have all the qualities of a girlfriend, how I'm the sweetest woman he's ever dated, how good I am to him, etc. It's left me just stumped.

 

I didn't tell him I wanted to start as friends. I told him from date 4 before we got into bed for the first time that I didn't want anything casual. He said, "I'm not seeing anyone else and this is not going to be a one night stand."

He was well aware I was interested in a relationship. But I was willing to be patient considering his situation. Once he said he didn't want a girlfriend after 3 months my patience wore thin.

 

We don't speak anymore. How can I tell him to call me when he's over his ex and ready for me? He's actively on Bumble. It's not about his ex. He just doesn't want to be with one woman if it's not with her, I suppose.

 

You don’t have to tell him,!if he wants that as well...he will come find you. I am guessing you have blocked him, but he will come to your house, or go as far as getting a burner phone to leave

You a message. No stone goes unturned when you feel you screwed up and want someone back. You need to do nothing.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Oh, I thought he still wanted to see you and that's why I said tell him that so he will know you will not just be another FWB but a gf only.

 

I did say that towards the end. After he said he wasn’t looking for a gf and not ready and all that, I couldn’t continue seeing him as anything casual. He insisted it wasn’t and seemed offended that I even used the words FWB. He insisted he had feelings for me and there was something between us and not FWB. I didn’t chase, or say a word more after the last time we exchanged texts, months ago. He knew I wanted to be his only girl. He didn’t want me that way so he ditched.

 

I’m glad I stood up for myself it just hurts. As time went on he was acting like a bf until he realized he didn’t want that. It was clear we weren’t on the same page with what we wanted so he left and I’ve stayed silent.

Edited July 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[N2017]

So I'm confused now by your original message and your replies.... do you still want him back?

[Gretchen12]

Something similar happened to me. I was disappointed, but I'm not waiting for him. And I'd take him back when he's ready (unless I'm with someone else). It's a kind of acceptance. Your guy came with baggage. He dated to try and forget his ex, and he fell in love, then that made everything confusing. My guy came with baggage too. He ghosted me because he's stuck in a dark place.

Accept that we can't choose where we are when we meet, accept that he can't help his feelings and that it doesn't mean he's a bad person, accept that fate may bring you together 10 years later or not at all. We have no control. We can only stay as open, loving people.

[Iris The Butterfly]

^^^^THIS. I've done this also after having my heart broken by someone I loved. I got with someone new, starting acting in love with lots of PDA thinking I could bring back what I felt for my ex or recreate what I had with my ex; but was faking it all the way until I felt guilty and knocked it off. Not saying that this guy doesn't feel for you but it not be at the level that you feel for him or he wouldn't let you go no matter what. He's still in love with his ex. It takes a while to get over a 4 year relationship. His affection is probably his style of loving and women love it.

 

I've never been in that situation before on either side, I guess it makes sense looking at it objectively. He told me that HE moved out, he made it sound like he ended it, and admitted at the very end this was the SECOND time that he broke up with her. Dang. I know that he did have feelings for me and I did notice that seemed to draw too many comparisons with her, and possibly trying to recreate his failed relationship when things started getting more close between us. For example during the holidays. He ramped it up with me wanting to spend all of his free time with me, multiple times a day sometimes. During the week of Christmas Eve and NYE we didn't go a single day without seeing each other. He was alone on Christmas Day and I was at my family's until after 11 p.m. I had woken up that morning with him and left and we texted all day long. We said how much we wanted to spend the night together again, and he asked me to come back. He waited up for me, and welcomed me into his arms and we watched stupid YouTube videos together cuddling and laughing. It was like he couldn't get enough of me, but in hindsight maybe his loneliness was driving him. Obviously in the years prior during the holidays he was with her. On NYE we had such a romantic day and night together, I turned on one of my favorite shows after dinner and he commented that he liked the show too, how his ex never liked it. Little things like that. Also I noticed that the activities we did together seemed very couple-y kind of early on. It was lovely, just what I want. Like grocery shopping, cooking together, playing board games, watching the sunset, once he picked me up from work, his own offer, to bring me to get my car being serviced, bought me a nice purse, took me shopping, etc etc. He was the most affectionate, romantic man I've ever been with and I'm sure that's his MO. It's my weakness. He appealed to all those deep desires I haven't experienced with any other man since my long term ex many years ago, we did all those couple-y things too and I realized how much I've been missing it!! It was so wonderful to feel close to him like that. The thing is I never really got too close, just when we did he started to panic. I had a long distance relationship that ended last year with a wonderful man. We were together for a year but I spent a fraction of the time with him doing all those day to day 'relationship' things.

 

I thought about what you said about he wouldn't let me go no matter what. He clearly didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him, and that hurts. There wasn't room in his heart when he had the chance with me. I really didn't think he would let me go easily, but he did. What I still find confusing is that the week before the last time I saw him he was saying how I'll be in his thoughts while he was away on his trip. I thought for sure he wouldn't let all this time pass but he really did let me go.

 

You don’t have to tell him,!if he wants that as well...he will come find you. I am guessing you have blocked him, but he will come to your house, or go as far as getting a burner phone to leave

You a message. No stone goes unturned when you feel you screwed up and want someone back. You need to do nothing.

Thanks. I'm not doing anything except trying to forget him and move on. But I don't know if it's smart to think, "he'll be back" because that keeps you stuck in the past pining, looking over your shoulder. I know because I've been there before. I'm coming at it with a mindset of "he's never coming back, it's too late now, he disappeared, even if he ever did it won't be for a long time and I probably won't be available then or want him back at that point." It happens a lot and it happened to me before with other men I've dated (not the extent of this, but many men in my life have resurfaced, months or even years later). I recently got a text from a guy I had a one night stand with 7 years ago, can you believe it!!? He remembered very specific details about me and wanted to see me again. I said no thanks, I'm flattered but no. I dated a guy on and off (never serious) in my early twenties. He would reach out every couple YEARS and still did just recently. He moved away and got married over the last two years but told me recently, "you're the one that got away. We were great together, and you were the best. It seemed to be bad timing I guess." He's carried a torch for me for years. I know a couple men in my life who have carried feelings for me for a very very long time, long term exes and even short term ones, or even male friends! I guess that should make me feel a little better, knowing I make an impression on men and many of them know I'm a good woman, and would be a good girlfriend and wife. But they aren't with me, so what good does that do?

This guy told me once ... and I'm sure I'm repeating myself... that he values our friendship so much.... how he doesn't know what will become of this between us... maybe we'll get married someday, who knows. Why would he even mention marrying me, is that a cruel trick? He said things like that a couple times, once to his friend... "If I don't end up marrying her (me) ...." At the end he said something like, "even if you were my wife...." That's a tease and you don't throw those words around to a woman that you have no intention of being serious with. Seems like he led me on and I'm pissed about that.

 

I did not block his number. I deleted his number but he may likely still have mine, who knows. I logged out when I saw him on Bumble so he wouldn't see me and I didn't want to see him. If he comes up again I will block him because it hurts to see him on there and still have feelings for him. We're not connected on social media but he could easily find me if he wanted and I'm sure he's looked at my profile because I admit I've looked at his FB and his ex's to snoop. He likely never added me because she was still in the picture and his photos are all over hers in her public albums from the years they were together. So I can see how serious their relationship was. I understand. Three months out of a 4 year relationship you're in no position to get deep with someone new, even if you like them. I thought for sure over the first month or so that we stopped talking that he might pop back up. He didn't. It's been a year since they split up now. But they were still in contact, even when he was dating me.

So I'm confused now by your original message and your replies.... do you still want him back?

 

My original message was about a month ago right? I've had some time to heal and been out with other men since. I realize that I have options and other men want to date me so I've made some progress. I'm not as heartbroken as I used to be. If he contacted me tomorrow and wanted another chance, I would not be quick at all to take him back, but I would want another chance, yes. I'm not sure I believe in second chances, not unless a significant amount of time has passed and both parties have moved on. I've had three serious breakups, this was never a full fledged serious relationship so it's different in that way. But it was still very meaningful and special... to me anyway. I was dumped by my first two long term BFs and they both came back, not long after, like within 3 months. I know it happens but they were in love with me and we were committed and a couple. That wasn't the case here. I don't think he will come back, if he was going to he wouldn't have risked losing me to another man. That's why the other exes came back fairly quickly.

This guy told me on Valentine's Day, after things began to unravel, (we did not spend it together but the next day instead, and he contacted me to wish me a HVD) that I'm such a catch, don't ever forget that. It felt like a stab in the heart that he could think so highly of me but not want to BE with me, and chose to be alone and I was alone on Valentine's Day, yet he contacted me anyway. Ouch.

 

Something similar happened to me. I was disappointed, but I'm not waiting for him. And I'd take him back when he's ready (unless I'm with someone else). It's a kind of acceptance. Your guy came with baggage. He dated to try and forget his ex, and he fell in love, then that made everything confusing. My guy came with baggage too. He ghosted me because he's stuck in a dark place.

Accept that we can't choose where we are when we meet, accept that he can't help his feelings and that it doesn't mean he's a bad person, accept that fate may bring you together 10 years later or not at all. We have no control. We can only stay as open, loving people.

 

This is great, thank you Gretchen. It DOES feel like it's just had to be quiet acceptance. I could see he was hurting and the fact that he opened up to me and admitted he was still heartbroken and in a vulnerable place.... I don't think a man would admit that unless he meant it. Sometimes I feel cynical and defensive, thinking he just said that as an excuse not to commit to being all in with me, as an excuse to play the field and date other women. At one point before he started pulling away, we got in a little argument about me seeing his text to his ex, who knows how long before it was, "I miss you"... from what I saw it looked like she didn't reply, at least then. That night I was upset and he was trying to convince me (and maybe himself) that he was into me and he tried to prove it. He said something like, "we're getting so close (to being a full on couple, titles, all that), we're almost there, please don't press me". All along he would indicate to me that he moves slow, thank you for being so patient, he's liking me more and more. I thought that if he wasn't interested in a relationship he would've told me from the start, but maybe he was "open to it" but he wasn't looking to begin with, he just kind of stumbled across the potential with me and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole when it started getting real. I didn't feel like I was pressing, but for some reason around that time he felt the pressure. I didn't feel it was right that I would have to share him with anyone else if we were exclusively dating and sleeping together and he was acting like my bf or that he wanted to be. I didn't have to say it out loud but apparently the vibe came across loud and clear, and I don't see anything wrong with wanting a man you're falling in love with to give you his heart too, damn it.

 

I understand that amazing sex and romance and passion like we had can keep people coming back even when it's not good timing or a good fit otherwise. That's why it dragged out, neither one of us wanted it to end, I sure didn't. Even though we both knew we weren't on the same page, he wasn't ready, or he didn't want a relationship, things continued just as they were before, for the most part.

 

It hurt me today to see him actively on Bumble, when I thought all this time he was likely still tied up with his ex, or maybe even taking a break from dating. He had a good woman and girlfriend potential and supposedly a friendship he valued in me, it stings terribly that he would rather just shop around. Who knows, maybe he's met someone else like he met me and is doing the same thing with her now.

 

I have to move on, I have no choice. But even though I've deleted his number, we haven't spoken in almost 4 months, and I'm dating other men, I keep getting these little reminders, like seeing his profile today, and hearing a song that was special between us, literally in the most unusual circumstances... it's been haunting me. I really miss him.

 

I feel like a fool sometimes, like I was tricked, taken for granted mostly. Like he was just out for a good time only and met me and had that intention to begin with to keep it light, then feelings caught up with him, he really liked me and I knocked his socks off but then he simply decided he didn't want to have deeper feelings involved, he just wanted a distraction, the company, sex and attention from a woman, me included, to play the field and rack up notches on his bedpost. He couldn't tell me that as a reason because clearly it would hurt me and it would make him look like a cad which is why it ended without a clear finish or reason or even an explanation. He didn't want me to know that, he used his heartbreak as an excuse when maybe the truth is that he just wasn't THAT into me and thought he could still find better out there. I thought he was a genuine compassionate person, but sometimes I doubt that if he could just disappear. That's another part of the acceptance I've had to come to. I know that's a cynical way to look at it but I can't help it, after seeing him online today. It makes me feel like everything that transpired between us meant nothing to him.

Edited July 11, 2018 by littlebridge

[Gretchen12]

Don't do this. I know it is tempting, but unhealthy.

 

Would you take him back? If you say yes, then don't think negative thoughts about him. It's not good for anybody.

 

Whether or not he was genuine, only you know. If he did indeed play you, then he's not worth another moment of your thought.

 

My guy who ghosted me removed his profile a week after we met and he is not back on the dating site. I kind of wish he would get out there because I don't want him home alone being depressed :-(

[Iris The Butterfly]

Don't do this. I know it is tempting, but unhealthy.

 

Would you take him back? If you say yes, then don't think negative thoughts about him. It's not good for anybody.

 

Whether or not he was genuine, only you know. If he did indeed play you, then he's not worth another moment of your thought.

 

My guy who ghosted me removed his profile a week after we met and he is not back on the dating site. I kind of wish he would get out there because I don't want him home alone being depressed :-(

 

I wish I could say the same thing about this guy. It killed me to see him online today, just when I finally felt ready to let go, it all came flooding back. It hurt. I don't want to see him online shopping for his next love bombing victim. I wanted to be with him and he broke my heart. It's hard for me to not be angry and hurt.

 

It's also hard for me to answer if I would take him back. I thought he was a good compassionate guy but definitely with some issues and baggage like you say. Maybe some hidden demons that began to reveal over time, some insecurities, some jealousy, some hints of impatience and sometimes sexually aggressive with me..nothing terrible, kind of more like power plays, which was pretty thrilling. The highs of the romance with him are still very intoxicating. It was a rush and I miss that very much. I still desire him and miss him and miss the friendship and all the close warm fuzziness and passion and conversations... but it's hard to say that I would take him back after he just dropped off the face of the planet after saying and DOING what he did with me just days before. It seemed so cruel and uncaring, after 5 MONTHS of nearly daily contact!!! To just stop cold turkey. I ask myself.. how could I WANT someone back (and why does it matter if I do?) who did that?!

 

I believe he was genuine. I do. It's hard for someone to fake interest, excitement, and feelings of infatuation, desire, friendship, etc. I believe he was genuine, at the time, yes.

 

But, the fact that he disappeared, and did not at the very least keep a friendship with me over these past few months, no words, NOTHING after a wonderful romantic evening together.. granted it was ending and I knew I had to take space.... makes me feel like maybe he played me, to never speak again, you know?

 

If it was genuine, he would reach out and say hello, or how are you, or before he left for good say "I'm sorry but we can't continue seeing each other like this, I think you're so wonderful and I want to continue but we're not on the same page right and it's unfair to you (as in ME) to continue on romantically"....funny, I couldn't bring myself to say that to him either because I didn't WANT it to end...... maybe that's the quiet acceptance that I have to take. It's the "story" I have to tell myself for fake closure that he's not going to give to me.

 

I've been played before. But players don't usually stick around that long and tell you how much they care about you and go out of their way to spend all their free time with you and introduce you to their family and friends, light up like a million watts, holding your hand, and "making love" to you. Sometimes I think..."was I projecting MY interest onto him believing he was genuine?" But no, he was genuine. It just stopped cold. Ouch, ouch.

Edited July 11, 2018 by littlebridge

[TheFinalWord]

If he just got out of something, you were basically his rebound. What you were getting was the way he wanted to treat his ex, if she gave him another shot. To win her back, he would do x, y, and z. He also wanted validation that he was still attractive. I hate to say he used you, but he did, though perhaps subconsciously. You were this man's band-aid until he was over his ex. To you it felt deep because he was projecting how he wanted to treat his ex onto you.

 

Personally, I would recommend to not be intimate unless exclusive. But we all have our standards. Saves a lot of heartache in my experience. Of course, it doesn't remove all risk, but it helps.

 

It sounds like this guy gave a lot of red flags, but you allowed your emotions to run the show. I know it's hard, I speak from experience, but sometimes you have to look objectively at the situation and get an outside opinion (like this site).

 

When he wanted all those breaks, there is no way you should have put yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position. He knows exactly how to push your buttons, and you thought since it was so intense for you, it was for him as well. Well, I've found that's not always the case. A lot of times we project what we're feeling onto the other person. Or we assume that a person will have an epiphany and realize what they're missing by letting us go. But I've found, that rarely happens. Once someone has let you go, it is just a matter of time until they completely let you go. They may be a little iffy for awhile, but once they're feeling strong enough they'll remove you.

 

Two things I recommend:

 

1) Don't project this guy's actions onto the next person you date. But give yourself time to heal before attempting to start something new. You don't want to do to someone, what this guy did to you.

 

2) Try to identify your weaknesses, and make sure you don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation where you know you will cave. If someone is being wishy washy, let them go. Life is too short to settle for someone that is unsure of the value you add to their life.

 

Hang in there. We're here for you!

[Highndry]

In a nutshell, 3 months is too soon to be dating after a 4 year relationship. We all get hurt at one time or another.

[Gretchen12]

TheFinalWord above has a good point (the first sentence). And, actually, I can light up like a million watts, on cue. I can cry tears too whenever I want to. I'm not saying he acted or faked it. I think he made himself believe it.

But again, we've all experienced our own feelings changing. Maybe his feelings simply changed. People can change in 3 months, 1 year, or 10 years. Don't keep going over too many details in your head. Too many details create obsession. Be careful.

[Iris The Butterfly]

If he just got out of something, you were basically his rebound. What you were getting was the way he wanted to treat his ex, if she gave him another shot. To win her back, he would do x, y, and z. He also wanted validation that he was still attractive. I hate to say he used you, but he did, though perhaps subconsciously. You were this man's band-aid until he was over his ex. To you it felt deep because he was projecting how he wanted to treat his ex onto you.

 

It's obvious I was a rebound relationship, that's just one of the reasons and I'm sure it wasn't intentional on his part. Yeah, we met three months after the supposed 'end' of his last relationship. Still communicating and hanging out with mutual friends doesn't seem to me like it really ENDED then. He told me later that when he first met me he was hooking up with someone and he cut it off with her to pursue something more with me. I'm sure I was the first girl he dated (like actually really dated, not just hooked up with) since his ex. He just liked me so he pursued me, I'm guessing probably not realizing what was going on until months in. He was the one who told me that he left and this was the second time he broke up with her over the 4 years they dated. Obviously they didn't have the best relationship if he ended twice. I guess what I'm trying to say is why would he be wanting to win her back and treating me that way instead? If he wanted her back, why didn't he say that?

 

Another thing, I don't think I imagined or made up the intensity of his feelings for me. Obviously my feelings were more present than his but I don't believe his feelings were fake or misplaced. He liked me and maybe was infatuated at the most. Not enough.

 

 

When he wanted all those breaks, there is no way you should have put yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position. He knows exactly how to push your buttons, and you thought since it was so intense for you, it was for him as well. Well, I've found that's not always the case. A lot of times we project what we're feeling onto the other person. Or we assume that a person will have an epiphany and realize what they're missing by letting us go. But I've found, that rarely happens. Once someone has let you go, it is just a matter of time until they completely let you go. They may be a little iffy for a while, but once they're feeling strong enough they'll remove you.

 

 

I realize that it's common to project but truly, I picked up on a lot of nonverbal and verbal indications from him that I've already mentioned, and it doesn't matter. I just don't think I projected completely. He had emotions involved and had feelings for me too. I know it. He would say things like "I care about you very much, I really like you, I'm in love... I really value our friendship....you're such a good woman, you treat me so well, you're the sweetest woman I've ever dated.... all those things. Those are the truth! I just can't convince myself that it was one sided. I can't.

 

I know what you mean about assuming a person will have an epiphany about letting us go... it DOES happen and it's happened to me multiple times. I have to agree with you that in this case, it's not likely that he will have that epiphany and I need to accept that.

 

 

If someone is being wishy washy, let them go. Life is too short to settle for someone that is unsure of the value you add to their life.

 

Yes, I know, and I did.

 

 

In a nutshell, 3 months is too soon to be dating after a 4 year relationship. We all get hurt at one time or another.

 

Totally agree. I wondered in the beginning if he was really "READY" to be involved again. I believe I even asked him that. I assumed since he was pursuing me so much and things were intensifying that he really wanted to give it a shot.

 

 

TheFinalWord above has a good point (the first sentence). And, actually, I can light up like a million watts, on cue. I can cry tears too whenever I want to. I'm not saying he acted or faked it. I think he made himself believe it.

 

But again, we've all experienced our own feelings changing. Maybe his feelings simply changed. People can change in 3 months, 1 year, or 10 years. Don't keep going over too many details in your head. Too many details create obsession. Be careful.

 

Really? I can't act like that. I don't believe he was fake or acting. I still believe he was genuine. Besides, I know my worth and I know I'm a catch and make an impression on him, obviously.

 

I know people change. It makes me sad though to be so close with someone and not have them in your life at all, not even as a friend or at least being friendly and caring.

 

 

I moved all the pictures and videos into an album today and am deleting from my phone. I don't have his number anymore and the pictures will be tucked away out of sight.

 

 

Doing my best to keep my head up. Thank you everyone.