A Complicated Situation

[Based850]

I am a mentally broken person working on my issues, I became a needy beta and that pushed my ex over the edge to finally break up with me. I cheated on her in the past in feb. 2017. Also both of us have hsv2, essentially I broke this woman down so much to the point I hate myself, it wasn't how I was raised. I have so many insecurities I'm going to get professional help. She never had time to fully heal before we got back together before and she was just riding along with me in the relationship holding on to all the pain and anger I caused, I tried to get her to move on instead of comforting her. I was jacked up earlier on.

 

June 18: Started couple's counselling, made it to 5 sessions(she would stay on counselling days and spend weekends with me ,but after I did a stupid mistake of making a catfish Snapchat account to belittle her(I had an extremely weak moment and had done this in the past before) because I saw her location near me after she went to her mom's(I simply should have asked why was she was near the apt.but not with me). I said disrespectful things to X and that pushed her over the edge and she asked my why I did that, at first I denied making the account, but she said she was done until I admitted it(she was done either way) I explained why I did what I did. I called her and she was weeping hard, I texted her, called a lot but she blocked my number(she unblocked it later the next day). After I got off work she came down to apt. to drop our dog off. I let her read a letter I wrote, she wasn't having it cause I did the snapchat thing before in the past( again, I have trust issues). She told me we were done, but I pleaded with no success. I shouldn't have asked for forgiveness while this was fresh. She said we weren't together and no more chances, but added in she needed space. She said to focus on myself and worry about myself and not to think about us.I told her I was going to start going to personal counselling to work on my deep rooted issues. When I asked was she already messing around and had someone else, she said no but said we never know what possibilities there are for each other(she said I KNOW I deserve someone better which to me sounding like she already had a back up plan even though she said she wasn't seeing anybody else when she dumped me.) I told her I was simply going to focus on myself as I don't want to be with anyone else. She said cool, but the break up still stands. She said she's still going to pay her half of the rent. I actually start counselling next week and I'm going to work on my mental blocks and keep losing weight( I went from 260 to 200, I made weight to join the Army) Essentially we won't be contacting each other unless for business reasons(bills and our puppy), but when I asked her if she hated me, she said no and I know she still loves me even through all the bs(this post is negative, but there's been perfect times between us).

 

Essentially with my counselling I know I'm going to tackle and handle my issues and become a better person, the snapchat thing was a stupid immature move on my part I know. So from the rest of June and until the end of July I'll be working on myself for the better in general even if I don't get back with her the counselling will help me with any future relationship. I hope to get a fresh start with her even though she says no more chances I still have false hope and being delusional I want to show her I've changed for the better and hopefully get a fresh start, and slowly date her again the right way. It's a wrap for now, but I don't believe in giving up for somebody you want to learn and grow with in life. Before the snapchat mess, she was open to moving forward(we were making slow process) and looking to our future. I believe X will be my wife someday if she's able to forgive all that happened or I'm just being delusional? She's a sweetheart and still has love for me. I was a scumbag early and I fked up, but I'm constantly progressing doing better.

 

Our lease ends in October, I feel like she's processing everything or literally just hates me. Maybe she still has some love for me because I think if she didn't care at all she would've got her stuff from the apartment and wouldn't help me pay rent. I'm thinking if I don't hear anything from her from now until October she's 1000% done. I felt like she was the one and I hate myself for all the mistakes because of my insecurities. She gave up on me, damn. I just keep going back and forth with this in my head.

[Adiron]

I don't believe in giving up for somebody you want to learn and grow with in life.

 

You are a very selfish person. It's all about you and what you want. I am willing to bet you gave her HSV2 and probably didn't even tell her you had it when you had sex with her, is that right? She has made it clear that after all the hurtful things you have done to her including CHEATING that she is DONE and all you say is "I don't believe in giving up on a person you want to learn and growth with in life".

 

Too bad for you because she is entitled to make her own choices and she does NOT want to learn and grow with you in her life.

 

Just leave her alone and learn to be a nicer person and maybe next time around you won't hurt the person closest to you.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Adiron

[Marc878]

Leave her alone. You aren't ready for a relationship

[ExpatInItaly]

She gave up on me, damn. I just keep going back and forth with this in my head.

 

As she should have. No offense to you, but she made the best choice for herself by finally ending a toxic and unhappy relationship.

 

You still display a significant lack of insight into your own behaviuor. It's not just the "Snapchat mess" that brought you here, OP. It's the cheating, and the controlling and verbally abusive tendencies you possess and unleash on her.

 

It's great that you are getting help. You need it. Understand that she very likely isn't going to come back, though. Even if you make positive changes, it can't undo the pain of the past and she can't forget what has already happened. Make these changes for you so that your next relationship is a healthy one.

 

Leave her be now.

[Based850]

As she should have. No offense to you, but she made the best choice for herself by finally ending a toxic and unhappy relationship.

 

You still display a significant lack of insight into your own behaviuor. It's not just the "Snapchat mess" that brought you here, OP. It's the cheating, and the controlling and verbally abusive tendencies you possess and unleash on her.

 

It's great that you are getting help. You need it. Understand that she very likely isn't going to come back, though. Even if you make positive changes, it can't undo the pain of the past and she can't forget what has already happened. Make these changes for you so that your next relationship is a healthy one.

 

Leave her be now.

 

 

I understand this, I must focus on my issues to become a better person. I hope she is able to truly forgive me one day for my sins. I get I must move on, but I'm holding on to false hope that one day we reunite, we've both changed for the better and she allows me a new opportunity.

[HiCrunchy]

Yikes, sorry but I would give up on you too. She put up with A LOT and many people get dumped for wayyyyy less.

 

It isn't her job to save you from drowning...

Relationships are partnerships

 

Best I could think of is apologize to her without expecting anything in return and continue to make yourself a better person.

Edited June 25, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[d0nnivain]

You need to let her go. There is too much water under this bridge. In all candor she'd be a fool to ever trust you again.

 

Your best hope is to stay in counseling, figure out why you did those horrible things & not do them in your next relationship.

[Based850]

You need to let her go. There is too much water under this bridge. In all candor she'd be a fool to ever trust you again.

 

How if ever allowing me a new chance would make her a fool? You learn and grow and don't repeat the same mistakes. When it happened I was in a bad state of mind and like some one previously mentioned, not ready for a relationship. Like I said, this is fresh right now and I'm being delusional, but I know I will be in a position to do better for myself and her if she ever makes that choice to start anew. I'm taking the time to reset and hopefully reach out over time.

[d0nnivain]

Because the level of change you need will take years to achieve. This is not a quick fix.

 

If you tried to get back with her, your brain & subconscious would remember the past when things were a mess. It would be too easy to slip back into the old patterns. Even if you changed, going backwards in life is generally a bad direction.

 

It's why the tell addicts who are trying to get clean to stay away from old friends & cut ties. Those bad patterns become ingrained. You have to start fresh.

[Based850]

Because the level of change you need will take years to achieve. This is not a quick fix.

 

If you tried to get back with her, your brain & subconscious would remember the past when things were a mess. It would be too easy to slip back into the old patterns. Even if you changed, going backwards in life is generally a bad direction.

 

It's why the tell addicts who are trying to get clean to stay away from old friends & cut ties. Those bad patterns become ingrained. You have to start fresh.

 

I'm a fast learner and self aware(I will change sooner than later with a consistent committed effort), I don't have the right to make her do or feel anything. I can wait until she is ready to forgive me, or I can accept the fact that she won't. Those are my only choices. I'm just hoping for the best. Thanks for replies.

[BluesPower]

Dude, are you serious???

 

You are actually hurt that she is done with you? Well guess what, turns out that she is not a moron.

 

You need loads of therapy, at least twice a week, with a super good therapist.

 

Do you realize how mess up you are?

 

Leave this poor woman alone, please, just leave her alone...

[Based850]

Dude, are you serious???

 

You are actually hurt that she is done with you? Well guess what, turns out that she is not a moron.

 

You need loads of therapy, at least twice a week, with a super good therapist.

 

Do you realize how mess up you are?

 

Leave this poor woman alone, please, just leave her alone...

 

Very serious, this is why I'm going to get the help I need. I have left her alone, I will not contact her, but I know when I've changed for the better I probably will.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the problem is that she won't be able to just "start fresh" in the manner you want.

 

While she might one day forgive you, she won't be able to forget. She will be reminded of that pain frequently, to the extent that you two would also need to work on the demons of the past. The slate would not be wiped clean, in other words.

 

It's true you might get to a point in which you develop new and healthy relationship behaviours. But you would still have a lot of heavy lifting to do to address the abusive behaviour that she will remember very clearly. This is why she probably won't be back, in all honesty. Even if she wants to believe you have changed it would be incredibly difficult for her to actually risk a relationship with you again.

 

And in the meantime, you have to keep in mind that if she meets someone else who interests her and treats her right from the get-go, you will be a closed chapter she won't even consider re-opening. Don't let that stop you from making the changes you badly need to make, though. Make sure you are pursuing therapy for the right reasons and not just in a vain, delayed attempt to win her back.

[Based850]

OP, the problem is that she won't be able to just "start fresh" in the manner you want.

 

While she might one day forgive you, she won't be able to forget. She will be reminded of that pain frequently, to the extent that you two would also need to work on the demons of the past. The slate would not be wiped clean, in other words.

 

It's true you might get to a point in which you develop new and healthy relationship behaviours. But you would still have a lot of heavy lifting to do to address the abusive behaviour that she will remember very clearly. This is why she probably won't be back, in all honesty. Even if she wants to believe you have changed it would be incredibly difficult for her to actually risk a relationship with you again.

 

And in the meantime, you have to keep in mind that if she meets someone else who interests her and treats her right from the get-go, you will be a closed chapter she won't even consider re-opening. Don't let that stop you from making the changes you badly need to make, though. Make sure you are pursuing therapy for the right reasons and not just in a vain, delayed attempt to win her back.

 

Thank you, It's going to be tough to accept it's dead and all the pain I caused. Definitely going to work out my problems for me, but I'm willing to put in the work for this woman no matter what if she was open to it. Only time will tell. Odds definitely stacked against me.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Based850

[Adiron]

Only time will tell.

 

 

You don't need time to tell. She's done with you. FOREVER. For good reason.

 

 

In time you just might realize how badly you've treated her- if and when you do have that epiphany you'll nod your head in sudden awareness and you won't waste her time and cause her even more pain by attempting to contact her.

[Based850]

You don't need time to tell. She's done with you. FOREVER. For good reason.

 

 

In time you just might realize how badly you've treated her- if and when you do have that epiphany you'll nod your head in sudden awareness and you won't waste her time and cause her even more pain by attempting to contact her.

 

That's the thing, why does a relationship have to end forever? Like there's no coming back ever regardless of anything, we become two new people. I won't be the same over time and neither will she. I know when I'm better I won't be wasting any other ladies time. This is going to take me a while, but do people really hold on to hate like that? Is there never any redemption? Nobody is perfect, what I did was evil, but it's not who I am. I shouldn't have rushed into a relationship. There are things I'm going to fix, is it that wrong that one day she will see I worked out my issues and be willing to try again, not now but at any time in the future, book closed but could be reopened. She will get over me I get that and I will get over her, but why is working on yourself, dating others, and over time seeing if you could get back with an ex for good such a looked down thing? Like things went wrong early, but later down the line we get back together. I truly understand how much I ****ed up. It's agonizing.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Based850

[Adiron]

That's the thing, why does a relationship have to end forever? Like there's no coming back ever regardless of anything, we become two new people. I won't be the same over time and neither will she

 

Truth is, people really don't change all that much once they get into adulthood.

 

do people really hold on to hate like that?

 

Healthy people simply turn their thoughts and feelings towards more productive things. Odds are in the time it will take you to make even the slightest progress she'll meet a new guy who treats her much better than you did and she'll forget you ever existed.

 

Is there never any redemption? Nobody is perfect, what I did was evil, but it's not who I am.

 

The person you are may not be who you want to be, but your actions define you.

[Based850]

Truth is, people really don't change all that much once they get into adulthood.

 

 

 

Healthy people simply turn their thoughts and feelings towards more productive things. Odds are in the time it will take you to make even the slightest progress she'll meet a new guy who treats her much better than you did and she'll forget you ever existed.

 

 

 

The person you are may not be who you want to be, but your actions define you.

 

Ok, I will better myself and just keep working on my goals. Will update over time.

[Based850]

Ok, I will better myself and just keep working on my goals. Will update over time.

 

UPDATE: We had several conversations and eventually she broke down and told me that she was cheating on me the whole year(2018), 6 guys in total. Wow

[CantTakeMySmile]

UPDATE: We had several conversations and eventually she broke down and told me that she was cheating on me the whole year(2018), 6 guys in total. Wow

 

 

 

I am guessing there will ne no more conversations at this point then.

[Based850]

I am guessing there will ne no more conversations at this point then.

 

We ended up kissing, I'm think I'm still being extra delusional about the situation though. She cried, said how disgusted she was with herself (self confidence and worth is shot) that she wanted to change, but didn't know how to, she said what if this is who she is, deep down me and her best friend know it's not, but she she's hurting and can't see it. She's depressed. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, but doesn't trust herself. I keep trying to rationalize female thoughts for whatever reason, but as for me she said I see and know you've changed. I'm in a much happier place in life, just want her to be too. When she told me, I actually felt no anger or ill will towards her, only saw it as her actually being honest with me. Old me would say yea kys, kick rocks. I honestly think she's worth it at end of day but am I lowering my self worth for wanting to be with her? I have other female friends that want to pursue things with me but I don't want that. I guess I'm a sucka.

 

I believe to have real love for this woman granted how my demeanor was not getting angry or reacting irrational. I couldn't bring myself to hate her.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Based850

[d0nnivain]

After you catfished her you found out she cheated on you with 6 guys. You previously cheated on her & she told you there were no other guys.

 

You have no trust in each other or yourselves for that matter. You keep talking & kissing.

 

Now you are trying to make her & us believe that you have no anger or ill will toward her after learning about the 6 other guys. Dude, you are LYING. You catfished her when you saw her near you on line when she was supposed to be at her mother's. You have no trust. This relationship is beyond dysfunctional. I don't think you can put the pieces back together. She claims she us unable to change.

 

What exactly are you trying to preserve?

[Based850]

After you catfished her you found out she cheated on you with 6 guys. You previously cheated on her & she told you there were no other guys.

 

You have no trust in each other or yourselves for that matter. You keep talking & kissing.

 

Now you are trying to make her & us believe that you have no anger or ill will toward her after learning about the 6 other guys. Dude, you are LYING. You catfished her when you saw her near you on line when she was supposed to be at her mother's. You have no trust. This relationship is beyond dysfunctional. I don't think you can put the pieces back together. She claims she us unable to change.

 

What exactly are you trying to preserve?

 

On my end, after all that insecure bs I devoted my time and energy to change my issues and it's reflected by hearing my family and peers noticing a change. As for her, hurt went both ways but I'm a forgiving person at my core which is my downfall clearly. I'm really not angry about it, really her best friend talked to me and said dude old you would've said some messed up things and left. I think long-term, she's broken now but won't be forever, and I want to stick it out. I still have the vision of a life with her, not fantasizing it, but on some it takes 725,000lbs of pressure to form a diamond, and I think she's that diamond. Corny, sure but that's really how I feel. I should move on, but I'd still have that regret if I don't see this through. Maybe one day I come back on here and read how stupid I sound or maybe one day I come back, read this and laugh about it living a happy life with her after all the growing pains.

 

I seriously don't believe in giving up and her being honest about everything was her first step.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Based850

[CantTakeMySmile]

I have a hard time believing that in less than a month you went from being insecure and needy to being ok she cheated on your with six men.

 

 

Change takes years, not days.

[Based850]

I have a hard time believing that in less than a month you went from being insecure and needy to being ok she cheated on your with six men.

 

 

Change takes years, not days.

 

Your mind is powerful, there was no contact and completely focused on myself. There's no time table to change for people that are truly committed to changing a mindset or flaw if you work on it everyday and put in the effort. I know I have and it's reflected by hearing it from others. It's really not rocket science. Keeping my workout schedule, job promotion, positive things happening in life books, therapy, friends, and family all played a factor. I got back to my core self, I'm a good dude at the end of the day just was in a really jacked mindset, had to reset. Am I perfect, no but I know I'm better.

 

Two wrongs never make a right, but I did worst so no, really not sweating it.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Based850