understanding exes behaviour

[DDon]

Hey guys. Need some help trying to understand my ex girlfriends behaviour. Basically, we had an amazing relationship, were both crazy about each other and used to regularly comment on how perfect we were for each other and lucky we were to meet. This wasn't a normal relationship for either one of us. It was the best we'd ever had. It was meeting 'the one' for both of us. It was fairytale. Unfortunately we had a serious spanner thrown into the works which was neither one of our faults and we went from the most wonderful honeymoon period straight to serious problems which led to us starting to argue. We never had the chance for our relationship to develop naturally because of this and it pains me so much. Im making a long story very very short here and there are loads of key points missed out but its all too much to type...

But basically she ended up leaving very abruptly, she never spoke to me about problems prior to this and she packed her bags and left without breaking up with me. She's a very anxious girl, very scared to speak her mind and has daddy issues she was very open about. She has serious trust and abandonment issues. I showed her time after time that I am trustworthy and never showed one reason that she couldnt trust me and I showed her I was always there for her. We broke up (kinda lol) and it seemed obvious that neither of us wanted to be broken up. We agreed on a month break so we could figure things out. For about a week or so before we initiated no contact, we had contact via texts and phone calls and things were quite ok. There was a bit of attitude from her but she was also being nice and even flirting with me. At the end of no contact we spoke and she said it was definitely over. I told her how I felt and would like for us to be together but she said no. This was not what I expected as we had something special and were so crazy about each other. Basically, after no contact, she had an unbelievably bad attitude towards me. We agreed to stay friends but each time I'd message her she would treat me like dirt. Every time I messaged her I was nothing but polite, kind, caring.... and it was only once a week so I wasn't intruding or bombarding... just being nice and she would be hot and cold but mainly very cold. Being rude to me, insulting me, blaming me for our problems, blaming me for her problems.....

It was very confusing to me as I was amazing to this girl and we broke up over life circumstances rather than cheating etc... So why is she now treating me so bad?

I spoke to her best friend last week, she connected with me because her best friend (my ex) doesn't talk to her anymore after 18 years of friendship. She ran away from both of us and we can't understand why. Go back in time 6 months and me and her were the 2 most important people in her life. She turned against both of us and won't talk to either one of us so we are both confused. We both have done nothing to deserve this or be treated this way. And we both agree that she just flicked a switch in her head, turned against us and has been acting strangely every since. Now for me, I only knew this girl for a year so I assumed that the amazing girl I fell in love with was just who she was around me and the nasty spiteful immature girl she is now is the real her. Her friend of 18 years said no, she has always been such an amazing and lovely girl but the last 6 months she has no idea what is going with her, the exact same as I feel.

I asked her friend a few questions and she thinks that the reason she changed before and after no contact was because she wanted me to come crawling back and tell her how much I love her and miss her etc.... I remember messaging her a few days after we broke up if we could speak about us and she responded with 'take the lead then coz I'm accepting what we agreed on' which suggest her friend is right. But the whole point of no contact is.... HAVING NO CONTACT. So I didn't reach out no matter how much I wanted to because its what we agreed on. When we communicated after no contact she gave me so many hints that we still have a future together. She told me things like we weren't compatible AT THE TIME, that it would be amazing if we could still be together but she doesn't see it happening, she asked me 'why would I leave the man I love so much and has done so much for me?' She told me it would be at least a year before she would consider getting back together with me...Every time we've communicated since we split she has to tell me she isn't seeing anyone and isn't interested in seeing anyone. Why would she mention this every single time? She also asks every time if I'm seeing anyone. She told me she wore a hoodie I gave her to a festival so I could be there with her... Why would she say that? She still wears the ring I bought her... There was so many hints but if I tried to reconnect she would push me away. After no contact she told me she was young and wants to casually date people. She has free will so I obviously let her do whatever she decides to do. I have no say on her free will and am not the kind of person to force or impose.

Its now been 2 and a half months since the end of no contact. I would send her a message once a week or so and just be friendly and polite and she would be rude, take the piss out of me, use my words against me, insult me, blame me for things, take her problems out on me... So I would remain friendly and polite but take a step back as I felt she needed more time to get over the negative emotions. 2 weeks later I'd try again and have same results. 3 weeks later I'd try again and get the same results. I ended up deleting her phone number and removing her from Facebook as she was treating me so badly and I was still in love with her and I couldn't take the 'punishment' anymore. For my own well being, I had no choice but to cut her off and get on with my life.

About 2 weeks after I deleted her from Facebook she messaged me to ask why. This is the first and only time since that she has initiated contact with me. She sent me 3 messages all about 10 minutes apart and I ignored them for a short while. I then responded just to say this is the first time you've spoke to me in the last 6 months. She apologised and said she had been busy but was missing me as a friend and has been meaning to contact me but has been busy for a week. I told her its been 6 months not 6 days and that she could have contacted me anytime she wants to but hasn't. I then ignored her for the rest of the evening. The next morning she messages me as soon as she woke up to again ask why I took her off Facebook. For a few texts back and forth I basically told her who cares, Its just a website, you still have my phone number etc.... I then called her, its the first time we spoke for 2 months. This escalated to a video call and we spoke in total for 2hours and 45 minutes and it was actually really really nice to speak to her. We were both being friendly, asking about each other, a few compliments here and there and we caught up and it was lovely. It was like we were still together just minus the romantic side. I added her phone number again but didn't reconnect on Facebook as I needed more time before I was comfortable with that. I text her after a week or so and it was short but nice. She asked me about a sporting event coming up which she only could of known about from a Facebook post I posted, she could have seen this from her step mums tablet which she has access to and given that she has no interest in this sport, she only got into it for me, its very unlikely she found out about it anywhere else as it was announced that same day and she doesn't follow the sport so she must have been spying on me from her step mums account who I was still friends with at the time. A week or so later I message her and again she asks about the sporting event. I know girls love to drop hints and to me, she wants me to ask if she wants to watch it together? What do you think? I told her to call me soon, we can catch up and I'll fill her in on all the latest from that sport. She responded with 'will do, hope your all good on that side and we'll talk soon'. Now after months of negativity and attitude from her, things started to seem like they were getting better. We spoke for the first time in months and had a positive almost 3 hour conversation! A few days later I got a missed call from her on WhatsApp. I was busy at the time and didn't hear my phone ring. I text her half an hour later to say I was busy and I was free later on and she sent some confusing texts. She basically was acting weird again and said it was a pocket dial. Pocket dialling someone from a smart phone on WhatsApp is not believable in the slightest so it suggest 2 possible scenarios to me. She tried to call and got upset I didn't answer, or she was reading back through our messages and accidentally pressed the dial button. What do you think? Since then, its been a week and I've heard nothing from her. I've decided I'm not contact her anymore but if she does call me like she said she would, I will answer.

Can anyone please try to help me understand all the confusion from her? She's been hot and cold, sending mixed signals but refusing to be clear about anything. We were crazy in love with each other. It wasn't a normal relationship. It was intense 'love of my life' kinda thing. I get the feeling that she wants me to chase after her and patch things up but if I try, she pushes me away. Plus, when someone treats you like dirt it makes it harder for you to want to reconcile and a lot easier for you to want to cut things off and move on. Its all very confusing to me, even her best friend of 18 years is on my side and wants us to reconcile coz she's never known her friend to be as happy as when with me and has no idea why she's acting the way she is.

 

I left loads of information out from this post as it would be way too long and its already too long as it is! I'm happy to provide more info for anyone kind enough to try and help.

I feel that her daddy issues are what caused her to run away and protect herself so much and her fear of speaking her mind and stubbornness is stopping her from being completely honest with me. But I get the feeling she wants me still. So does her friend. Her friend says she was crazy about me and can't understand how she's turned against both of us. Her friend has even suggested that we both go together to talk to her and try to understand whats going on and we can both attempt to reconcile. She has left me so many hints that she still wants me but pushes me away no matter what I try and the fact she has not contacted me once suggests she doesn't care about me. Or is she too stubborn?

[Marc878]

It's always amazing until it isn't.

 

Ask yourself this. Do you really want uncertainty and drama ?

 

There are plenty of others that you don't have this crap with.

 

Why bother?

[d0nnivain]

Paragraphs are your friends. Posting a wall of rambling text makes people not want to help you.

 

 

 

This whole thing is so dysfunctional because neither one of you have a clue about how to fix a relationship or heal what is wrong. Hint: It's not no contact. Also NC means just that -- no calls, no texts, no app, & being unfriended / unfollowed on all social media. You two did not do that. You tried to create some sort of BS friendship but then sabotaged it at every turn.

 

As for the break up, nobody can tell you what went wrong until you give us certain critical details you omitted. You gave us a bunch of irrelevant details about her post break up behavior but very little about the relationship. So. . . .

 

how old are you two?

 

how long did you date?

 

In general terms, what was this "serious spanner" that caused you to argue?

 

Did you live together? You mentioned something about her packing to leave. If you lived together, how long has you been together before you moved in & how long did you cohabitate before this break up?

 

What were the arguments about?

 

It may be irreparable at this point because so much time has passed & you both made too many errors after you broke up. Those missteps caused more harm then the break up itself I fear.

 

If her friend is right & despite her saying that she wanted NC & refusing to hear you out or respond to you when you reached out, this chick secretly wanted you to chase after her & prove your love to her, you are better off without her. Only manipulative immature people play that game. You don't need such a person in your life.

[DDon]

Thanks for response dOnnievain. It was all too much to type on here. We did do no contact for a month without any contact. Everything mentioned was before or after no contact.

 

Im 29 and shes 23. Ive had relationships before but none as intense as this. I really felt she was 'the one'. We connected like crazy and like and want all the same things. Shes never had a serious relationship but a handful of guys who used and abused her therefore adding to her trust and abandonment issues. I was the first good guy.

 

Dated for 1 year, moved in together after 9 months which was a bit rushed but we were in a situation where we didnt have many other options and we lived together for about 4 months.

 

The spanner in the works was her getting a letter from home office saying she has to leave the country. She's South African and I'm English both living in England. We were left with 3 options - get married, move to Africa or break up. All 3 were options we didnt want but we chose to get married. For me persinally this created conflict as I have always been against marriage but I said I would and I was going to. We ended up going to Home Office and talking to them I found out that she is 100% legal and didnt have to leave. I thought this would ease her worried mind and we'd go back to normal but she just got worse.

 

The arguments were over nothing. Never anything serious. She's an emotional girl and could never control her emotions which made communication difficult. I would always stay calm and try to talk to her and she would go off on one and I'd refuse to argue. Eventually after months of frustration, I snapped and we started to argue.

 

You are very right that the biggest mistakes were all made after we broke up. I was temporarily very emotional and over analysed everything to the point that i made mistake after mistake. I took all blame away from her and put it all on myself and confessed to things that arent even true or my fault as I was emotional and a bit desperate.

 

We have only been broken up for 3 months now and I'm split between trying to reconnect and letting go. The only reason I'm considering letting go is because of how shes been treating me recently. If it wasn't for that then I would 100% like to reconcile

 

The reasons I didnt chase after her were because we agreed on no contact and also because she left me and I feel the first step or 2 had to come from her. Tell me u regret the break up or still want to be together and I will do the rest. And also coz she moved 300 miles away lol.

 

If she was still local we could have met in person and sorted it all out.

[DDon]

Just also want to mention that she always responds to me. Just never initaites contact. Last time we spoke was about 3 weeks ago and I still get the impression she wants me but is too stubborn to say it or initiate contact. I get the impression and have done all along that she wants me to chase after her and do everything. When we split she told me love was never lost, we just can't be together right now. Theres been so many hints but I need direct communication.

[d0nnivain]

From living together too quickly to facing an international long distance situation & then thinking about marriage after dating only about a year is a huge emotional swing.

 

Maybe this really is just one of those things that wasn't meant to be.

 

Yes, things may have been OK if you'd had the time together to build a better foundation but you didn't. I tend to think things happen for a reason & this may be one of those things.

 

If you ever find yourselves living in the same area again you can revisit the relationship but for now just let go. The combo of the physical & the emotional distance is insurmountable. Her new attitude is probably borne of self preservation. She's being mean & distant to her herself cope with her new situation.

[DDon]

Thanks again dOnnievain. I think you are right. We both agree it would have been better to not live together so soon but like I said, we were left with very few options at the time and things were so good we felt that we could handle it. And we did experience a lot in our short time together which was unfortunate. Most couples don't have to deal with those added complications and unfortunately we didn't survive it.

 

Its tough for me as the connection was unreal and something I've never come close to experiencing before. I've connected with people before but never like this. It was like we were twins - we even had some sort of telepathic connection where we'd think say and do the same things at the same time. It was unreal. So its tough to accept that we had these circumstances that led to the end. And the underlying 'what if thoughts.' I'm certain things would have been different if we had the opportunity to have the relationship develop as a normal one does!

 

But such is life. All we can do is deal with it and keep on going. Its very possible she'll return to the country later this year or early next year so I guess if and when that happens we can meet up and see if theres any chance of a future together.

[preraph]

She told you outright she wants to date other people, and it's clear she only wants to be friends with you now. She is acting miffed because you're not comfortable with just being friends, so just tell her that's not an option for you. A lot of women are perfectly find to be just friends with former lovers. Most men are not. I don't think she's playing you. I think she's dating around and only wants you as a friend now.

[DDon]

She's a very uncertain girl and relys heavily on the people around her for help and support. Her words were something along the lines of 'I'm still young and have never even casually dated' which implies its at least a thought. Knowing her though, these are not her words and are from someone close to her trying to help her move on.

 

I have remained friends with all previous exes and am very comfortable doing so. The differnce is that none of my previous exes have treat me like **** so I'm not sure if I want to keep contact with this one. I believe she has no idea what she wants and no idea how to get it. But thats her problem. Shes been playing games for months because she's stubborn and scared to speak her mind. But I'm not playing anymore

[DDon]

I also want to mention that she ran away back to Daddy who she always told me she hates and is the cause of a lot of her problems like trust and abandonment lol. She struggles with decisions and it was him who suggested she comes back to him. As someone who abandonned her for 17 years he is desperate to make up for his lack of being a father. I think a real father would have told his daughter to talk to her partner and resolve issues but a desperate person who's only thinking of himself will only ever give selfish advice. She told me she was too dependant on me so she's gone back to Daddy so she can be dependant on him lol. She's 23 not 13.