Obsessive thoughts about exes

[TeddyPSmith]

It’s beginning to occur to me that I may be getting over my ex at times but am held back by rumination and obsessive thoughts of her, her new relationship, and who was right or wrong in our relationship. These thoughts take up a significant portion of my day and are preventing me from moving on.

 

I’ve found that the only thing that stops them are looking at her Facebook (which I’ve sworn off) and being around or engaging with other women. Other things provide temporary and subtle relief but it’s not lasting. In fact, the harder I try to not think of her, the more I want to.

 

Is this a common experience? Has it happened to anyone else? Has anyone found a way through it? Im 5 months post breakup for what it’s worth. I’m currently on Lexapro and it’s not helped at all with the thoughts. Occasionally I’ll take a Klonopin and that does the trick but I’d prefer not to use that. I’ve been meditating but am a beginner and don’t have the fortitude to use that yet. Also weekly psychotherapy.

 

Any ideas?

[Garlend]

Don't feel alone, or odd in anyway about your recurring thoughts regarding your ex.

 

I once required meds, therapy, a different occupation, and a new residence, just to begin my painful sojourn back to a relatively normal state of mind. And I just managed to endure enough emotional anguish and psychological turmoil from this traumatic split to eventually reach a point where I could finally move on with my life, and become comfortably involved with other women.

 

I then encountered the sweet little lady who became my only wife.

[TeddyPSmith]

Don't feel alone, or odd in anyway about your recurring thoughts regarding your ex.

 

I once required meds, therapy, a different occupation, and a new residence, just to begin my painful sojourn back to a relatively normal state of mind. And I just managed to endure enough emotional anguish and psychological turmoil from this traumatic split to eventually reach a point where I could finally move on with my life, and become comfortably involved with other women.

 

I then encountered the sweet little lady who became my only wife.

 

Thank you. It's nice to not feel like a total weirdo. Im leaning towards a new residence and job. It's like I'd take anything to change my current state and freshen things up.

 

Im glad you were able to move through it to a happy ending. The crappy journey should guarantee everyone a happy ending if things were fair in the universe!

[marky00]

Pretty normal but maybe i'm biased

 

The BU that messed me up actually happened in 2015 but we did meet up for a short holiday in April 2016 (pointless adventure but nothing to lose at that stage). She went NC at around June 2016. She then started bread crumbing me from Jan 2017 all the way up to the present day. Last year, she sent me probably a total of 15 messages via sms, email or social media.

 

Most were messages wishing me the best in the future, how I was doing, birthday messages and a longer message stating how she knew she's disappointed me and that I probably hated her. I never broke silence that whole time except for one time middle of 2017 where I asked her what it is she wanted to say (because her messages had become repetitive and lacked substance). She wasn't able to formulate a response at which point I decided i'd never respond again. So we have been NC for 2 years... yes she has contacted me but its been a one-way dialogue.

 

I've been functioning a lot better work wise since the middle of last year. I've tried out other relationships (and currently working on one now). But I do still think about her. Not in an obsessed/emotional way but just pretty pissed about how it ended and how some things played out during the relationship. It was a long 9 year long-distance relationship so not your typical relationship.

 

When I think of the day we first met to now where she is basically an arch enemy, its pretty messed up. But nothing can be done. It's a stale mate, probably more like check mate. She sent me a happy bday message a few weeks back so she obviously doesn't hate me and has no reason to since she was the dumper. But I recon if I keep up NC forever, she might eventually hate me because in her culture, forgiveness and karma are pervasive. Unfortunately for her, I don't plan on helping her out there.

 

And regarding Lexapro, I also tried it. Can tell u straight up that anti-depressants do nothing for heartache. In fact, they just delay your healing. You really have to lean into the pain to make inroads. Lexapro has worked great for me for other mental related issues but not for heartache sadly.

[TeddyPSmith]

First, it sounds like you played this exactly as you should have. You should give yourself a nice pat on the back for that and relish in those breadcrumbs. Mine never game me the tiniest crumb and it actually hurt even worse knowing how cold she could be. I’m glad your finding your way out of this.

 

Second, regarding lexapro, I’ve wondered the same thing. I thought it might actually be delaying me. I mean I feel like absolute **** most mornings and cry like a baby but I wonder if I could be done faster without the meds. Maybe I’ll consider getting off of them. I only got on them to convince the ex to give me a chance bc I have lots of anxiety (some of it warranted).

 

Thanks for the response man!

[marky00]

I wasn't perfect post BU. I did get my my chit together eventually.

 

2015 was really bad but. For a good 6 months, I experienced true heartache. I'd wake up every morning with a heavy heart that actually really did hurt in physical terms. I researched it and heartache is actually a real medical condition. There's a proven link between emotional stress and physical symptoms.

 

First 2 months I was in denial mode and taking trying out Lexapro etc. But once I gave up on that strategy, the heavy heart symptoms described above kicked in and lasted near on 6 months.

 

Not saying that's the way everyone should act post BU. Some people might be able to get past it by keeping busy and denying it happened until enough time has passed. I guess i'm just the type of person that can't fool myself that easily.

[TeddyPSmith]

I just can’t see where pretending that nothing happened and keeping busy is heathy. I mean if you’re hurtint then you’re hurting. Time to pay the piper. Denial is a phase of grief but it shouldn’t be practiced to avoid grief.

 

That said, I’m stuck in some mode where I’m absolutely heartbroken all the time. I feel the way I imagine most people feel in the first 2 or 3 weeks but it’s every day. My therapist called it complicated grief. I looked that up and God I hope it’s not that.

 

I thought it might take me 3 months to beat this but it’s lookinf more like a year or more. I just took for granted what I had with her or saw more negatives and couldn’t see the positives. I’m actually not sure I’ll ever get a girl with all those positives again and it drives me mad. Guess there’s nothing to do but plod forward.

[overcome]

Hey Teddy,

 

Antidepressants can take months to kick in and for you to receive the full effect And that's assuming you're on the right one. There's a reason why there are so many on the market. They are all more or less SSRI's or SNRI's but since everyone's brain is different, you get a different effect.

 

That being said, you may or may not get a lot of benefit from Anti-D's.

 

I think you just have to go through the pain (which sucks) to get to a better place. But along the way, you have to force yourself out of your shell. This is the time to better yourself.

 

If you have identified mistakes you made in the relationship, you have to figure out how you're not going to make those same mistakes again. You should also make sure you are not picking partners that will set you up for failure. Choosing a partner who is emotionally unavailable or has "baggage" for example, is a recipe for disaster. It may not be obvious but if you identify that there may be issues with the person you choose, you may need to get out before it goes on to long and you both get hurt. Unfortunately it's not always easy to identify these relationships.

 

Anyway, I think you have to cut this person off from everything in your life. You should not be friends on FB. You should not be on any social media with her. The idea is that ignorance is bliss. To heal she must be out of mind and out of sight. In time, you will heal and forget.

 

It's hard but the alternative is worse as it seems you are experiencing it now. I think you're on the right track. Stop the FB stalking. stick with Meditation. Continue with Psychotherapy.

 

You'll get there and as for finding another woman like her, you right. You won't. You might find one that is better

[Goodguy05]

I just listenned to a podcast on this today im having the same problem and its almost been 2 yrs. in the podcast it talks about the internal dialogue we stay stuck becuase of the story we have with ourselves ie blaming them or blaming us. the solution is to actually feel the emotion as it comes up experience it. it says the emotion only lasts 90 seconds in reality before it dispitates we need to really feel it and where it is in our body. one way to help wth this is to write down our thoughts. but if u continually try to suppress the feelings wth vices ie other woman or alcahol it doesnt have a chance to feel its way out of the body. made a lot of sense. also all break ups are difrrenent the circumstances what happenned what was done the severity hence the timeframe can take longer i hope this helped.

[TeddyPSmith]

I just listenned to a podcast on this today im having the same problem and its almost been 2 yrs. in the podcast it talks about the internal dialogue we stay stuck becuase of the story we have with ourselves ie blaming them or blaming us. the solution is to actually feel the emotion as it comes up experience it. it says the emotion only lasts 90 seconds in reality before it dispitates we need to really feel it and where it is in our body. one way to help wth this is to write down our thoughts. but if u continually try to suppress the feelings wth vices ie other woman or alcahol it doesnt have a chance to feel its way out of the body. made a lot of sense. also all break ups are difrrenent the circumstances what happenned what was done the severity hence the timeframe can take longer i hope this helped.

 

Thanks GoodGuy! Do you know the name and episode of this podcast?

[Goodguy05]

hey bro yes here's the link

 

https://player.fm/series/breakup-recovery-podcast/111-how-to-stop-holding-yourself-back-and-find-happiness-after-your-breakup-with-michelle-chalfant

[TeddyPSmith]

Thanks! That was a great podcast. I tried that method a couple times this morning and I really do feel like that's the key to this. Fighting the thoughts only makes them stronger. I have been trying to reason my way through this, as if I was proving to judge and jury that I was righteous and she would magically reappear.

 

 

Feeling the emotions and letting them run through seems to take some of the power away. Really, thanks again.

[Goodguy05]

Thanks! That was a great podcast. I tried that method a couple times this morning and I really do feel like that's the key to this. Fighting the thoughts only makes them stronger. I have been trying to reason my way through this, as if I was proving to judge and jury that I was righteous and she would magically reappear.

 

 

Feeling the emotions and letting them run through seems to take some of the power away. Really, thanks again.

 

no worries bro I found it really helpful too