Boyfriend ghosted me, looking for guidance

[HorseLuck]

Hey all.

 

Long story short, I dated a guy for over a year in the military. It was long distance- turbulent, there were red flags. I chose to overlook those and gave him a second chance because I thought he was turning a new leaf. He spoke to me daily, called, made a lot of promises about marriage, being in love with me, said I was his best friend blah blah. It came to a hault recently when I went to visit him. We agreed to split the trip costs, and I was expecting an engagement ring because he had made mention of this numerous times.

 

This is the second time that he said he had a surprise for me and ended up having what I believe is a bullsh*t excuse about not having a ring. Keep in mind I never pushed for marriage, or anything like that. It was all him. Now that I look back on it, I believe he was a manipulating, lieing, sociopath. He just returned from a trip overseas, and I decided not to let it go. I demanded to be given some sort of proof that he even bought a ring in the first place. He said he would call me that night after running errands with evidence.

 

I never received a call, and the next day he acted completely oblivious. I decided to take him off of Snap chat because he could never follow through with his word. He wasn't reliable at all. Even though I did this, I expected him to reach out. He usually would, and I thought he was serious about me. It's been about a week since I last contacted him. Initially I felt relief, but now I feel constant anxiety. Yes it's my fault to an extent, but I still feel somewhat blindsided. I truly loved him, but I just feel like an idiot now. If he didn't ever have a ring, or decided he didn't want to be with me, or met someone- why couldn't he have just told me? Now I'm questioning everything, and I have another week until I get STD tested- which also sent me into a panic.

 

I don't want these feelings to last longer than two weeks. I've really been struggling because I guess I'm stressed over other aspects in my life. It's hard for me to focus, I'm starting a new job soon and I don't want this getting in the way. Just looking for some advice on how to relax? Also, what to do if he reaches out- just ignore? Obviously I'm pissed off.

[bathtub-row]

Horrible behavior from him after dating for a year. My guess is that he's either married or involved with someone else - and probably has been for some time. I'm sorry this has happened to you but his actions are really deplorable.

[Funny bunny]

Right now you’re at the bottom, talk to us on here and know we are in heartbreak together, for every day you are NC feel proud of yourself because you have maintained your dignity and not begged his abusive ass back. He was not considerate of your feelings. Girl treat yourself like a princess right now. Eat good breakfast, take some vitamins, listen to gentle music, call up some friends and talk **** about him (petty but we must do what we must and this actually helps a lot-not superficial crap about his looks sure he may be good looking but have a ****ty character) do your own nails, do a facial, ask your mom or sisters to hang out with you, watch a non-romantic movie (I like Snatch with brad Pitt or the Good the Bad and the Ugly) it’s funny and has NO romance in it. I am 5 days NC and I’m just on here and notice that man these guys treat us like ****. You are not ****. I’m a Christian so I believe we were intelligently designed and we have a purpose and that is to love one another. You are loved!

[HorseLuck]

Horrible behavior from him after dating for a year. My guess is that he's either married or involved with someone else - and probably has been for some time. I'm sorry this has happened to you but his actions are really deplorable.

 

Thank you. I know he isn't married because he lives in the barracks. He acted so excited upon returning from his trip to talk to me. So either he couldn't keep the lie going about engagement, or he has been talking to someone. I never thought I would see the day where I actually hope the reason is he met someone. I would take that over him not wanting to admit he has an STD or something. That is my biggest fear, clearly I'm paranoid now.

 

I also never thought he would just disappear. He knew I dealt with abandonment issues. At the very least give me a reason. I was there for him for so long through his military journey. I don't intend on breaking no contact.

 

Thanks Funny Bunny, I will do some of those things. Not the healthiest but I went for a jog (in the rain no less) and had a giant bowl of mac and cheese afterwards. Lol. As for being treated like sh*t, I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with a similar pain. I bent over backwards for this guy, and this is where it got me. Lesson learned

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe think about why you want to desperately push someone to marry you that doesn't want to (actions speak louder than words).

[Els]

While I agree that the lying and hinting at something he didn't have should be a dealbreaker, it really concerns me that you would've presumably said yes if he HAD in fact produced that item of jewelry, despite all the red flags and turbulence that you mentioned. Rings do not magically fix all the issues in your relationship.

 

 

I think you should block him and perhaps give therapy a shot.

[BaileyB]

While I agree that the lying and hinting at something he didn't have should be a dealbreaker, it really concerns me that you would've presumably said yes if he HAD in fact produced that item of jewelry, despite all the red flags and turbulence that you mentioned. Rings do not magically fix all the issues in your relationship.

 

 

I think you should block him and perhaps give therapy a shot.

 

I completely agree.

 

I'm also wondering how many times you saw him in person? It seems to me that you were hoping to marry someone that you did not really know very well... As much as you get to know someone long distance by talking, it's time spent together in real life that reveal the true nature of an individual and a relationship.

 

I'm sorry that you are struggling. I hope you get some counselling and I hope that things improve for you soon.

[d0nnivain]

His behavior is not your fault. You putting up with his turbulence & unreliability is your fault.

 

If you were expecting an engagement ring, on one level I understand why you are disappointed. But here's the thing: if there are problems in the relationship, those problems do not get fixed by getting married. The problems just get worse & it's more difficult & expensive to get out of the relationship.

 

You need to think long & hard about why you were hoping to get engaged to your long distance BF when there were so many red flags.

 

However, I'm not going to let you dump all the blame for this break up on him. You are the one who started this catch me if you can game. You deleted him off SnapChat & stopped talking to him. You harbored the hope that he'd chase you but he doesn't know that. He thinks you broke up with him so of course he failed your little unfair test when he didn't come chasing after you. He didn't know he was supposed to. Neither of you have great communication skills. Thus, it's probably better that you aren't getting married. Neither of you are ready.

[ExpatInItaly]

What other sort of red flags had you overlooked previously?

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can understand why you were expecting a ring after all the promises he made. He obviously is of bad character and wasn't honest with you about his real feelings for you. I know you want the pain to be over in 2 weeks; but don't we all after a break up. If only our hearts would agree. What you are feeling now is normal.

[Adiron]

You were expecting the surprise to be a ring and when you didn't get it, you were all over him about it, sounds like you completely lost it and read him the riot act. That would send any guy running for the hills- especially if there was no intent to getting you a ring that weekend, and nothing you posted indicated that was what the surprise actually was.

 

 

You sound rather anxious, clingy, and emotional. Not that there's anything wrong with that but if you're with an avoidant personality type (Google it) they are not going to react positively to your outburst and you may at times feel like you are getting the short end in the relationship. Doesn't mean the guy is a sociopath or cheater as you suggest he is.

 

Edited to add

 

I took a brief look at your back posts which confirm what I said above about your anxious, clingy, emotional personality type. Based on what I read below, I'll add "impulsive and potentially violent".

 

Here's a thread you wrote previously where you wanted to get revenge on a guy who dumped you after a short term relationship titled:

 

I want vengeance on my ex whom dumped me. Rage. Ideas?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...mped-yesterday

 

It was a short lived relationship, and I probably shouldn't be so angry. But I've never felt more rage towards a guy than I have this one. I've never retaliated. I feel as if I need to hit him where it hurts. When I saw him in the club yesterday, it sent me over the top.

 

The plan originally was to go to the club again, and when I catch him, deck him, spit in his face and tell him off. Or tell a girl he approaches that I caught something from him. My only fear with the physical part is acquiring an assault charge. But I feel like if i do nothing, i let him win. I let him get away with what I perceive to have been a huge lie/manipulation.

 

I'm willing to listen to not doing anything, but I need convincing as to why and how that's suppose to help.

 

***

 

I also found this in another of your threads which is rather ironic, given that you posted about beating up, spit on, and slander a guy who dumped you:

 

"Anyway..the point here people is.. be happy you don't have a crazy ex!!"

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452302-i-just-saw-girlfriend-hit-her-boyfriend-their-car

 

 

***

 

And another of your threads where you were dumped and in a rage and looking for retaliation

 

I'm sitting on bottled rage and I feel the need to attack him where it hurts...if he reaches out. He's a recovering addict and damn it, I should have paid more attention to his manipulative history.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531556-dumped-yesterday

 

* * *

 

I think you need more help than this forum can provide.

Edited June 23, 2018 by Adiron

[stillafool]

After reading some of your previous threads I have to agree with Adiron.

[HorseLuck]

His behavior is not your fault. You putting up with his turbulence & unreliability is your fault.

 

If you were expecting an engagement ring, on one level I understand why you are disappointed. But here's the thing: if there are problems in the relationship, those problems do not get fixed by getting married. The problems just get worse & it's more difficult & expensive to get out of the relationship.

 

You need to think long & hard about why you were hoping to get engaged to your long distance BF when there were so many red flags.

 

However, I'm not going to let you dump all the blame for this break up on him. You are the one who started this catch me if you can game. You deleted him off SnapChat & stopped talking to him. You harbored the hope that he'd chase you but he doesn't know that. He thinks you broke up with him so of course he failed your little unfair test when he didn't come chasing after you. He didn't know he was supposed to. Neither of you have great communication skills. Thus, it's probably better that you aren't getting married. Neither of you are ready.

 

 

I can acknowledge that I'm at fault for agreeing to deal with, and give him multiple chances.

 

As far as the ring goes, again- I'm going to state I didn't push him for a ring initially. He was the one who made mention of it multiple times. That was suppose to be the surprise. So yes, if I'm told constantly that he wants to marry me, leading up to the final weeks that I agreed to see him- I'm going to start believing that is actually the case. Call me selfish, but I guess I felt that after everything I had tolerated, I felt as if I deserved a ring. It would have proven to me on another level that he was actually serious about the relationship. During one visit he said he had a surprise, was suppose to be a ring, and had an excuse. Then, he wanted to me to see him again, so he could give me the ring- which is what he stated. Also ended up having an excuse. Which leads me to believe he just lied about it. Why? I don't know. I never pushed marriage. So this time, I decided not to let it go.

 

He also started taking therapy around that time, so I felt confident we would be able to work on some of the issues. Obviously, an engagement doesn't guarantee marriage. If it wasn't working it doesn't mean I would have jumped to get married.

 

While I appreciate the suggestion of therapy for myself, I've attended before. I enjoyed it, but I currently don't believe I'm in dire need of it due to this guy, or because of what I chose to tolerate. As far as communication skills lol, I'm great at communicating. The whole snap chat thing, yea I'm pretty sure he was going to reach out because he was at fault. He knew why I cut him off, and when we had disputes prior- one of us would reach out to resolve it. Had he reached out, I would have responded if he had some valid reason or again- proof, as to what he was doing that night that he didn't call me like he said he would- to show me some sort of evidence that a ring was ever even purchased. That's his choice, I'm not chasing him at this point. I'm zoning in on the ring because this was the last promise that he failed to keep.

 

To answer some of the other questions, I saw him a total of 4 times. Other than that we face timed, talked on the phone, etc.

 

Some of the previous red flags were catching him in little lies. Such as lieing about where he was, what he was doing. Texting other girls in the beginning of dating. There was a point where he said he came to visit me in my state, and left me hanging with a story about a car crash, but he could never prove that he was actually here.

 

Another flag was being emotionally unavailable at times. I chalked it up to his military life style. Unreliable. He moved fast, spoke about the future often.

[HorseLuck]

You were expecting the surprise to be a ring and when you didn't get it, you were all over him about it, sounds like you completely lost it and read him the riot act. That would send any guy running for the hills- especially if there was no intent to getting you a ring that weekend, and nothing you posted indicated that was what the surprise actually was.

 

 

You sound rather anxious, clingy, and emotional. Not that there's anything wrong with that but if you're with an avoidant personality type (Google it) they are not going to react positively to your outburst and you may at times feel like you are getting the short end in the relationship. Doesn't mean the guy is a sociopath or cheater as you suggest he is.

 

Edited to add

 

I took a brief look at your back posts which confirm what I said above about your anxious, clingy, emotional personality type. Based on what I read below, I'll add "impulsive and potentially violent".

 

Here's a thread you wrote previously where you wanted to get revenge on a guy who dumped you after a short term relationship titled:

 

I want vengeance on my ex whom dumped me. Rage. Ideas?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...mped-yesterday

 

It was a short lived relationship, and I probably shouldn't be so angry. But I've never felt more rage towards a guy than I have this one. I've never retaliated. I feel as if I need to hit him where it hurts. When I saw him in the club yesterday, it sent me over the top.

 

The plan originally was to go to the club again, and when I catch him, deck him, spit in his face and tell him off. Or tell a girl he approaches that I caught something from him. My only fear with the physical part is acquiring an assault charge. But I feel like if i do nothing, i let him win. I let him get away with what I perceive to have been a huge lie/manipulation.

 

I'm willing to listen to not doing anything, but I need convincing as to why and how that's suppose to help.

 

***

 

I also found this in another of your threads which is rather ironic, given that you posted about beating up, spit on, and slander a guy who dumped you:

 

"Anyway..the point here people is.. be happy you don't have a crazy ex!!"

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452302-i-just-saw-girlfriend-hit-her-boyfriend-their-car

 

 

***

 

And another of your threads where you were dumped and in a rage and looking for retaliation

 

I'm sitting on bottled rage and I feel the need to attack him where it hurts...if he reaches out. He's a recovering addict and damn it, I should have paid more attention to his manipulative history.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531556-dumped-yesterday

 

* * *

 

I think you need more help than this forum can provide.

 

Keyword, potentially violent. Yes I've had rage, but that was wishful thinking. I never actually acted on it. The surprise was suppose to be a ring. I suppose I was definitely anxious, and emotional in this relationship. It started when the trust was broken because he emotionally cheated. I'm not as scary as it sounds Adiron, lol promise.

[Adiron]

Keyword, potentially violent. Yes I've had rage, but that was wishful thinking. I never actually acted on it.

 

You posted a thread specifically asking others to give you good reasons not to act violently towards your ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

Ok, yes you are potentially violent but to date as far as we know you have not acted on those tendencies. Either way that sort of anger is NOT healthy.

 

I'm not as scary as it sounds Adiron, lol promise.

 

 

I find myself thinking of the scene in Stephen King's book "Misery" and the nurse saying the same exact thing right before she swings the sledgehammer.

[HorseLuck]

You posted a thread specifically asking others to give you good reasons not to act violently towards your ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

Ok, yes you are potentially violent but to date as far as we know you have not acted on those tendencies. Either way that sort of anger is NOT healthy.

 

 

I find myself thinking of the scene in Stephen King's book "Misery" and the nurse saying the same exact thing right before she swings the sledgehammer.

 

I never stated it was healthy, that I'm aware of. In terms of my self control, I'm not concerned.

 

Lol, you're entitled to your opinion.

[Thor of Love]

Never rely on anyone else to be happy, you sound way too obsessed with him, at least you are a person who thinks with logic and understand that this guy is lieing to you, no you are not paranoid, you should know this would happen after the red flags.

 

I have dealt with liers and strange people before, tbh I never understood why they behave like this and what their aim is but what I do is to decide what my goal with them is, I don't even bother getting angry with them or asking them why they do that, people never change and they don't own you an explanation.

 

What I ask is - Do I need such a person in my life? can I afford to lose it despite its terrible attidute? Does his presence on my life hurts me? Even if I don't ghost them immediately, I would certainly try to be more manipulative with them and extract what I can out of them, I wouldn't commit a lot to them that's for sure.

 

It's always hard when a relationship breaks, but now you will have more options open and you will no longer be stuck in this situation, you will realize the benefits sooner or later. If he reach out, don't ignore him imo since it will make you feel calm having him back in your life but don't commit too much to him either, you should spend some time with him if there is a benefit but in the meantime you should try to find someone else and create a new life. I would do that right from the start.

 

I generally don't advocate breaking up fast if you are not emotionally ready for this, build something else first then you can proceed with breaking without ruining yourself.

Edited June 23, 2018 by Thor of Love

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, meeting a total of only 4 times isn't sufficient to build a marriage on, anyway.

 

I don't doubt you have had your moments, as past threads indicate, but I also don't think this guy was serious about you. Sure, he might have said a lot of the "right" things but his actions indicate otherwise. It's not about "deserving" a ring. It's about having a solid enough relationship, with mutual love and respect, to support a marriage. You two didn't have that. In many ways, you will one day be grateful you didn't make the mistake of choosing to spend your life with someone whose bad behaviour you tolerated in hopes of a piece of jewelry and a marriage certificate.

 

I would go your separate ways, and foster healthier relationships. It doesn't sound as though engagement was a realistic prospect at any point, and particularly after having spent such little time together in person and with all the waving red flags. A ring proves nothing if there is no healthy foundation to back it up.

Edited June 24, 2018 by ExpatInItaly