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A message from the future


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Hi Everyone,

 

Tonight I randomly came across the song Afterglow by Phaelah. I hadn't heard it in years. I remembered it was recommended to me by someone on this site. I listened to it so much while I was healing from my break up.

 

My story is somewhere on this site, plus a few updates over the years. But I felt motivated tonight to provide another update. Listening to this song reminded me of what life was like, three years ago last month, after my fiance broke up with me unexpectedly.

 

What I want to tell everyone is that I am happier than I ever thought I could be. I feel healthy, happy, content, and my life feels filled with meaning. I have a great, well-paying job, good friends and a strong relationship with myself.

 

For those of you who want to hear that I am in another better relationship, I can't give you that. I've had some intrigues and a short relationship over the years, but nothing lasting.

 

But what feels more important is that, with the help of SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) I've realized I'm a love addict and I've worked so hard and I'd discovered what it feels like to feel truly present, happy and at peace with myself.

 

Maybe a long term relationship will come in time. Whether it does, or doesn't, I am content. I am loved and I love.

 

I know what you are going through. I was there. I've never felt so much pain and betrayal. What he did changed me as a person, forever. But I'm a better person now, a happier person. As I wrote somewhere else, they say when a door closes, a window opens. For me, he closed a door, and then the walls fell down in a big fresh wind and I saw blue sky and entered open fields of happy possibility.

 

Stay strong. Stay no contact, take care of yourself, love yourself, get therapy, work out, listen to sad music, stay close to your friends and family, and re-affirm to yourself that you will never abandon yourself. A better future is waiting for you.

 

SO MUCH LOVE.

 

And so much gratitude to all of you and to this website.

 

Mossycup

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TeddyPSmith

Thank you for posting this. I don’t often see people come back with updates but it’s very helpful. I’m glad you’re doing so well!

 

I’ve thought about the possibility that I’m a love addict but have no good point of reference. If you don’t mind, would you share a little about your experience?

 

All the best!

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Happy to hear that you are doing so much better! :) I feel like, getting over something or someone that hurt you is so refreshing once you're over that bump and soaring high.

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Thank you for posting this. I don’t often see people come back with updates but it’s very helpful. I’m glad you’re doing so well!

 

I’ve thought about the possibility that I’m a love addict but have no good point of reference. If you don’t mind, would you share a little about your experience?

 

All the best!

 

For sure!

 

If you think you might be a love or sex addict, the best thing is to either go to a meeting and check out their literature, or look it up online. There is actually a checklist you can review and see how many of the behaviours you have. For me, I was in al anon because my ex was in recovery and his break up with me felt related to alcoholic behaviour, and being in al anon lead me to sex and love addicts anonymous (SLAA). It's been about a year and a half and it has changed my life. I am so grateful for it.

 

Everyone has their own "bottom lines" in SLAA - it's not like AA or NA where there is one particular substance you have to "never do again". Rather, every SLAA member has particular behaviours that are addictive for THEM, and you try to let go of those so you CAN have healthy love and sex. Mine are fantasizing, dating people I don't respect, having sex for dramatic rather than loving reasons, and staying in bad relationships. In other ways it's very similar to any 12 step program.

 

My love addiction seems "mild" compared to some folks, so I get that you might also be uncertain if you "really are", but ask yourself, does your addiction stand in the way of your relationships, jobs or activities, or your mental health? Do your actions make you unhappy but you can't stop? That's the basis for addiction.

 

In some ways, our society has a love and sex addicted culture, so many people can benefit from this program, really.

 

Please feel free to ask me any questions about the program; I love to share with people how effective it can be for getting your life and relationships into a healthy, happy place!

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TeddyPSmith

Thank you for being so open about it. It definitely seems like a less understood addiction. Sex Addiction is easier to understand than love addiction in my opinion. Sex is at least a single outlet for the addiction but love has so many forms.

 

I read through some literature about a year ago and identified with some of it. I just backed off bc I don’t have an addiction to sex. My issues are mostly extreme attachment and abandonment. I can get fully devastated after knowing someone only a few weeks. I’ve been in shambles for 5 months after the ending of a 2 year relationship. I also stay too long in bad relationships. I’m not sure this qualifies as an addiction but it surely affects all aspects of my life.

 

Do you have any good book recommendations?

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Thank you for being so open about it. It definitely seems like a less understood addiction. Sex Addiction is easier to understand than love addiction in my opinion. Sex is at least a single outlet for the addiction but love has so many forms.

 

I read through some literature about a year ago and identified with some of it. I just backed off bc I don’t have an addiction to sex. My issues are mostly extreme attachment and abandonment. I can get fully devastated after knowing someone only a few weeks. I’ve been in shambles for 5 months after the ending of a 2 year relationship. I also stay too long in bad relationships. I’m not sure this qualifies as an addiction but it surely affects all aspects of my life.

 

Do you have any good book recommendations?

 

Hi Teddy,

 

100% you can have love addiction without sex addiction. Or, sex can figure IN, ie, excessive fantasizing about sex or dramatic/non loving sex, but it can be rooted in a love addiction.

 

Just before I started my program I was in a very love addicted relationship and when he left in a hurtful way, I dived right into the program, because the pain and abandonment were so terrible. I'm so glad I did the program; otherwise I'd have likely just moved on to another relationship (for example, there was a possiblity I might have gotten back with an old ex - not the ex-fiance) I really am not compatible with). Instead I worked my program and I feel, genuinely am healing.

 

I also worked with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287

 

And it ABSOLUTELY changed my life. It was integral to my healing. I cannot recommend it enough.

 

Depending on where you live and your access to a transportation, you can find an SLAA meeting and check it out. Can't hurt to find out right? If you can't get to one, there are online ones. SLAA has a book they use which is also very effective (you get it at the meetings).

 

I'll tell you, I also didn't think love addiction was that strong in me, when I started. But then I began to see it in so many areas, ranging from talking inappropriately about my feelings and relationship drama to people, which I'd formerly just considered me being "open" and "kind of a hippie" and "interesting". I realized I was actually dominating the conversation and not having healthy boundaries and it was making me anxious and without dignity. I realized that my constant fantasizing and brooding was draining me and causing me difficulties and exacerbating other stresses because I had less resilience/focus/clarity from thinking about love so much. I realized I was hanging out with people who were "interesting" rather than "loving" and then getting emotionally impacted by that. I realized I was socializing so much I was always burned out and kind of in a bad mood. I realized I was making myself lose disgnity at work by talking too much bout my personal life, and being so stressed outside of work that I would cry or be grumpy at work. I realized I was using emotional conversaton to "Get off emotionally" and that while some people encouraged it and got off on tittoo (I'm now cautious about my interactions with them) for most people it was making me less able to relate to, and I was losing friendship opportunities, or keeping friends at a distance, or draining my friends who stayed loyal but were being impacted (I am so happy to see what a better impact I have on those friends!). It goes on and on, the list of impacts of my addiction! My friendships have deepened, and my self-confidence has bloomed. This month Im giving a sermon in church and a workshop for fifty people at work; wouldn't have had the confidence last year. SLAA was a game-changer for me!

 

As for a long term relationship - I don't have that yet. SLAA makes you really take your time. I've said no to three dating offers of people who I found attractive but unstable or just "not right", and one kinky sex situation, which in past I totally would have gone for. It was hard to say no, but it gave me the confidence to believe in myself, not say yes out of desperation or addiction, and build up my self esteem that I'm worthy of a good man (I'm still working on that, to be honest, but that's the healing journey - and I'm making progress).

 

Keep us posted on what you learn/discover on this journey! I'm interested!

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TeddyPSmith

Just before I started my program I was in a very love addicted relationship and when he left in a hurtful way, I dived right into the program, because the pain and abandonment were so terrible. I'm so glad I did the program; otherwise I'd have likely just moved on to another relationship (for example, there was a possiblity I might have gotten back with an old ex - not the ex-fiance) I really am not compatible with). Instead I worked my program and I feel, genuinely am healing.

 

 

I really get that. The pain of abandonment (especially if you are sensitive to this) is just unreal. It's like being shattered to pieces. You cant tell whats up or down and right or wrong. What added to my pain was that she seemed to just disappear so coldly and invalidate the relationship on the way out. Thinking that she didn't care added to the misery.

 

I also worked with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287

 

 

And it ABSOLUTELY changed my life. It was integral to my healing. I cannot recommend it enough.

 

 

Yes! Ive read most of that book and its very good. I have issues doing the work in any of the books that ive read though. I suppose that's my weakness. Do you recommend getting the workbook?

 

I'll tell you, I also didn't think love addiction was that strong in me, when I started. But then I began to see it in so many areas, ranging from talking inappropriately about my feelings and relationship drama to people, which I'd formerly just considered me being "open" and "kind of a hippie" and "interesting". I realized I was actually dominating the conversation and not having healthy boundaries and it was making me anxious and without dignity. I realized that my constant fantasizing and brooding was draining me and causing me difficulties and exacerbating other stresses because I had less resilience/focus/clarity from thinking about love so much. I realized I was hanging out with people who were "interesting" rather than "loving" and then getting emotionally impacted by that. I realized I was socializing so much I was always burned out and kind of in a bad mood. I realized I was making myself lose disgnity at work by talking too much bout my personal life, and being so stressed outside of work that I would cry or be grumpy at work. I realized I was using emotional conversaton to "Get off emotionally" and that while some people encouraged it and got off on tittoo (I'm now cautious about my interactions with them) for most people it was making me less able to relate to, and I was losing friendship opportunities, or keeping friends at a distance, or draining my friends who stayed loyal but were being impacted (I am so happy to see what a better impact I have on those friends!). It goes on and on, the list of impacts of my addiction! My friendships have deepened, and my self-confidence has bloomed. This month Im giving a sermon in church and a workshop for fifty people at work; wouldn't have had the confidence last year. SLAA was a game-changer for me!

 

 

 

Ok when you put it in terms like this, I can definitely see that I fit some of these patterns. I think going to a meeting would be a real eye opener for me. It would be so easy to roll into another relationship right now (which is what she did). I feel in my gut that I need to heal and be whole but I just don't know how. Ive been in therapy but don't feel im making any progress. All we do is talk about the same things. Maybe its time to "work a program."

 

As for a long term relationship - I don't have that yet. SLAA makes you really take your time. I've said no to three dating offers of people who I found attractive but unstable or just "not right", and one kinky sex situation, which in past I totally would have gone for. It was hard to say no, but it gave me the confidence to believe in myself, not say yes out of desperation or addiction, and build up my self esteem that I'm worthy of a good man (I'm still working on that, to be honest, but that's the healing journey - and I'm making progress).

 

Keep us posted on what you learn/discover on this journey! I'm interested!

 

 

I will gladly keep you posted and thank you so much for showing interest and sharing!

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