Dumpers remorse 9 months later

[Nothingtolose]

(this may be a bit long, so bear with me...)

 

I ended my 3 year relationship with my ex 9 months ago. Yes, I was the dumper but I had lots of reasons for leaving. My ex had a big pot and drinking problem, a lack of motivation (had been laid off from multiple jobs, didn't do anything to help me around the house), was emotionally avoidant and dismissive of my feelings. If I ever raised an issue, he'd immediately react defensively, we'd get into huge fights, where sometimes he'd be verbally abusive, then leave the house for hours, take hours to reply to my texts etc. We tried couples counselling and nothing seemed to work, he also promised to go to therapy on his own (a lot of his issues stem from childhood and life trauma) and never did, so eventually I got tired of hurting and I left. I made it very clear to him I still loved him, and those were the reasons why I left, so he could have fought for me/ us, but didn't.

 

This is a rough timeline of things:

 

September - breakup

 

October - low contact

 

November - seeing each other for the first time, 2 months post BU. Slept together, confusing emotions.

 

December - slept together again, confusing emotions again, I asked for no contact. I leave the country for 3 weeks.

 

January - he reaches out asking to see me when I'm back, and saying he really would like to give us another chance. I meet him and he tells me he's drinking way less, but I can see that apart from that, nothing else has changed. He has not gone to counselling, I see old behaviours resurfacing in our conversations and it does not make me feel good. I say no to getting back together, but we end up hanging out again, and this time we sleep together. His behaviour then completely changes from "I love and want you back" to "yeah, I know we need more time and it's probably not going to work out at this point" - typical avoidant behaviour, pulling away once I let my guard down. I get very upset and again ask for no contact, and make it clear I do not want to hear from him anytime soon. He actually respects my wishes and we do a full 60 day of NC.

 

March - 2 months after NC, he reaches out to tell me about some of his health scans (he was going through some health issues and I had said in the past he could keep me posted). Nothing serious though. Asks to meet, says he misses me, I stand firm and say no.

 

April - I see him on Bumble and think it would be funny to screenshot and send it to him. I actually felt ok - his profile looked like someone looking for casual. We end up chatting and he tells me he really misses me, and since I felt ok chatting, I thought it would be no big deal to meet for a drink. I WAS VERY WRONG. He's all over me from the minute he sees me, telling me he still loves me and thinks about me all the time. A drink turns into hanging out 3 days in a row and sleeping together (no sleepover though). I feel an overwhelming love for him rushing back over me, and ask him if he would want to get back together IF I wanted to. He says no, that while he does love me, he can see we are still the same people, and that we wouldn't work at this point - but "who knows about the future" (typical BS). I again ask for space and no contact. We go NC for a month.

 

May - He reaches out after a month NC and I actually get a bit annoyed and we get into a fight. I then go on a meditation retreat the week after and regret lashing out at him, so I reach out again and tell him I'm letting all the resentment go once and for all. He asks to meet 'as friends', and I stupidly agree. We again end up sleeping together with an actual sleepover, in each other's arms, professing love. That was my actual downfall and I have never recovered since. I realized that weekend how much I still love him and that it may be stupid to not try again. We agree to hang out a week later, however, when I reach out to him mid-week asking if he's free to hang out (before we were meant to) and tell him I miss him, he says we should probably 'dial it back a bit and not get carried away'.

 

I was crushed because I honestly thought that after that night and all the things we both said, that we were on the same page. So when he reached out on the weekend to meet, I was really upset, said we shouldn't meet, and we got into another fight. I felt he was treating me like a friend with benefits and it really hurt. He said he now needed some time apart, and ended up reaching out to me just to check in a week later, but no mention of meeting up. A few days later I reached out saying all of this back and forth has been so confusing for me emotionally, and that I'd like to keep the doors open for a potential future friendship, but right now it's obvious we shouldn't hang out, not even as friends. He agreed, and told me to feel free to reach out anytime, and said "you'll always be my muffin" (it's what he used to call me).

 

This last conversation was a week ago and I have been a mess. I feel worse now at 9 months than I did at 3 months. And you know what? I have tried EVERYTHING these past 9 months. EVERYTHING. I have done 30 days NC, 60 days NC, I have started a business, I got back into exercising, I'm meditating and journalling every morning, I have made new friends and socialized A TON, I have met at least 20+ guys through online dating. Nothing, and I mean, nothing has made me forget my ex.

 

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? I was hurting so much in our last year together. so much. He was so dismissive of my feelings, never took accountability for his actions, would leave the house after a fight whilst I was in the middle of a panic attack, give me the cold shoulder for 2 days after a fight, the list goes on and on. He claims to be drinking and smoking less and he's actually doing well in his career now, but I think his core personality traits and the tendency to be avoidant, apathetic, quick to anger etc has not changed. My brain seems to have forgotten all of those things, and all I can remember is the fun times, the passionate sex we've always had, how affectionate he used to be when things were good, how funny he could be. It's driving me out of my mind, and I'm afraid if I don't act now, I'm going to lose him to someone else for good, it's only a matter of time. But if I do act, he'll either reject me or we'll get back together and I'll be back in a relationship that was making me miserable.

 

This week I'm THIS CLOSE to reaching out and straight up asking for us to give it another try, and it's the first time I have genuinely wanted to do that in 9 months. I need someone to tell me this phase will pass, and snap me out of it. Tell me there is a way out, that this type of remorse is actually normal, and that I'm acting out of fear of being alone. That if he really loved me like he says he does, he would have fought for us, he would have gone to counselling, he would have shown me things could change, instead of waltzing in and out of my life every month or two just for a quick nostalgia session. I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel and just cannot see the light, and don't understand why I'm feeling this way 9 months into the breakup, when I was the one who initially chose to walk away.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Nothingtolose

[Zahara]

So this is the man you love:

 

- big pot and drinking problem

- a lack of motivation (had been laid off from multiple jobs)

- didn't do anything to help me around the house)

- emotionally avoidant

- dismissive of my feelings

- react defensively, we'd get into huge fights

- he'd be verbally abusive

- never took accountability for his actions

- give me the cold shoulder for 2 days after a fight

- list goes on and on

- avoidant

- apathetic

- quick to anger

 

I'll also add emotionally manipulative.

 

You don't love this man. You're addicted to the drama and the toxicity. You're driving yourself mad with all this up and down/push and pull chaos. You obviously cannot heal because you keep going back to him. You've been in contact with him since your break-up in September, every month mostly -- so how have you been in NC 30/60 days. You have not truly invested significant time apart away from him.

 

The biggest mistake you will be making is staying in this loop of dysfunction. Good times are nice but it's supposed to be consistent. Bits of great here and there with a load of nasty isn't worth it. Stop romanticizing the image you've built in your head and focus on the reality of who he really is -- you need to go NC long term.

[stillafool]

Why are you even second guessing your decision to break up with this guy. No don't go begging him back and starting this mess over again. Just move on now.

[Nothingtolose]

You've been in contact with him since your break-up in September, every month mostly -- so how have you been in NC 30/60 days.

 

We were NC for over 60 days between mid-January and late March, not a single text. Then we chatted over text in March and were full NC again for another 30+ days. Then we hung out and were full NC again for another month after that.

 

I know the back and forth has not helped at all, but I've heard that usually 60 days NC helps a lot and after that time you realize you are better off and don't want them back - and this is not how I felt after my 60 days. I felt better, sure, but I was still as in love with him as I'd been before. So maybe NC needs to be done for life, in certain cases.

 

And yes, I realize I'm probably delusional by still hanging on to some small hope that he could change and we could have a better relationship than before. Some people think dumpers move on with no regrets, but that has not been the case for me at all. I have never fully lost hope. I have never stopped loving. And in some cases it's been much harder to get over this breakup than the ones where I was dumped, because I have had to live with my decision, and have often felt guilty, thinking that I could have stayed and kept working through our problems, that maybe I should have just been more patient. Yes, at a rational level, I know I did everything I could. But still, the heart doesn't quite grasp it.

 

Is it possible that some people you actually love forever and never fully get over them, you just learn to live without them and deal with that feeling being there?

[Zahara]

We were NC for over 60 days between mid-January and late March, not a single text. Then we chatted over text in March and were full NC again for another 30+ days. Then we hung out and were full NC again for another month after that.

 

All of that means nothing. You were in a 3 year relationship and one that was toxic along with another 9 months of chaos. It is going to take far more that 60 days to get through the aftermath. And everytime you've gone back, you've been disappointed. 60 days is nothing.

 

I know the back and forth has not helped at all, but I've heard that usually 60 days NC helps a lot and after that time you realize you are better off and don't want them back - and this is not how I felt after my 60 days. I felt better, sure, but I was still as in love with him as I'd been before. So maybe NC needs to be done for life, in certain cases.

 

You're not in love with him. You're addicted to the dysfunction. What can you possibly be in love with, in its true and genuine sense with a man who treats you with this much disrespect? What did you love about him? And don't say sex, affection, fun times, etc. What were his core values?

 

And yes, I realize I'm probably delusional by still hanging on to some small hope that he could change and we could have a better relationship than before. Some people think dumpers move on with no regrets, but that has not been the case for me at all. I have never fully lost hope. I have never stopped loving. And in some cases it's been much harder to get over this breakup than the ones where I was dumped, because I have had to live with my decision, and have often felt guilty, thinking that I could have stayed and kept working through our problems, that maybe I should have just been more patient. Yes, at a rational level, I know I did everything I could. But still, the heart doesn't quite grasp it.

 

Is it possible that some people you actually love forever and never fully get over them, you just learn to live without them and deal with that feeling being there?

 

I'm not sure what you're regretting. If the guy was wonderful and treated you well, then I can understand regretting ending it with him. But you're regretting leaving someone that treated you like garbage?

 

It is harder to get over relationships that was toxic. It takes much longer to heal and regain your self-esteem. Just because you haven't gotten over him does not translate to deep/undying love/connection. It just means it's going to take longer for your to find your sense of self after all that damage.

 

You feel that if you stayed longer, you could have worked through your problems? It takes two and usually when you're staying in a bad situation because you want to believe it's going to be better it's because you're afraid to leave and move forward on your own so you settle and stay hopeful. It's called denial.

 

Your heart will grasp it, if you give yourself a chance to heal. You've never given yourself that opportunity. And when you have reached a level of indifference, you'll understand what nurturing, kind, giving and genuine love really entails and that this guy was never it.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Zahara

[Nothingtolose]

What did you love about him? And don't say sex, affection, fun times, etc. What were his core values?

 

 

I'm not sure what you're regretting. If the guy was wonderful and treated you well, then I can understand regretting ending it with him. But you're regretting leaving someone that treated you like garbage?

 

You're right there Zahara, I'm not even sure what his core values are - he's not really family orientated, not very hardworking, has no sense of adventure. If I had to guess, I'd say his main core values are comfort and stability - he likes having a routine, doing the same thing every day, going to the same places, definitely not growth orientated, no motivation to change or improve as a person. If anything or anyone threatens to get him out of this bubble of comfort he's built around his life, he instantly snaps.

 

He never had an issue with me - aside from the fact that I had an issue with some of his behaviours. He never asked me to change anything about myself (only to stop being 'insecure', 'needy', 'demanding', wanting him to change). If I abided, and stopped bringing up things that I wasn't happy with, then he was happy. If I never complained about his constant smoking and drinking, messiness around the house, avoidant behaviour etc, then he was happy, and when he was happy he was very loving and very affectionate. He'd shower me with affection and even flowers/ sometimes post-it notes around the house. We'd have fun dancing around the living room, doing beach picnics etc. But the minute I raised anything that wasn't good or needed to be worked on, he instantly reacted defensively. So sometimes I wonder if I could have stayed, and just dealt with those things, just been more passive, complained less. I know that realistically that would have killed me inside in the long run.

 

I guess feeling loved and desired is what I miss the most.

[Zahara]

Yes, you miss the feeling of love. You're romanticizing the idea of him.

 

He was happy when you stayed submissive. He wasn't when you had needs, demands and wants. When someone loves and cares for you, they're going to allow communication to happen and in that process compromise and find ways to achieve balance.

 

He was managing down your expectations. He didn't want you to expect anything more than what he wanted to give you hence the fights whenever you spoke up. That was his way of conditioning you and punishing you to not speak because you at some point would learn what the repercussions were going to be.

 

Don't confuse toxicity for passion/love. This is not love.

[Nothingtolose]

Yes, you miss the feeling of love. You're romanticizing the idea of him.

 

He was happy when you stayed submissive. He wasn't when you had needs, demands and wants. When someone loves and cares for you, they're going to allow communication to happen and in that process compromise and find ways to achieve balance.

 

He was managing down your expectations. He didn't want you to expect anything more than what he wanted to give you hence the fights whenever you spoke up. That was his way of conditioning you and punishing you to not speak because you at some point would learn what the repercussions were going to be.

 

Don't confuse toxicity for passion/love. This is not love.

 

Deep down I know that you're right, because that is how I felt in the relationship - like I had no voice, and had to constantly walk in eggshells. That having any kind of needs or wants would trigger him, and push him away. That I had to pretend to be happy about everything all the time just to keep the peace. That's the main reason why I left. Not because of his addictions, or his lack of motivation - those were pain points, but not the main cause of leaving. I left because of his emotional avoidance, anger issues, poor communication skills, and me constantly feeling dismissed, unheard, unappreciated, silenced.

 

When you say it isn't love, it makes me a bit sad, because maybe it's true. Maybe I think it's love because I've never known any different. Looking back I can see (even before him), I have never had a truly healthy, loving and supportive relationship. I've always ended up with guys who are on some level emotionally unavailable/ avoidant, have addiction issues, anger issues, apathetic, lots of deep rooted issues that they can't seem to work on etc. I guess that says a lot about myself, and what I've been willing to settle for.

 

I'm a good looking woman, with good friends, a career, lived in different countries, travelled a lot. I think I have a lot to offer, yet I really struggle with low self-esteem and unresolved issues from my relationship with my dad, who was/is also emotionally unavailable and was always overly critical, dismissive of my feelings and needs, and prone to anger. I have done A LOT of work on myself through ongoing counselling, meditation, lots of reading - yet I still can't seem to be able to attract a healthy relationship.

[Zahara]

I understand how you feel. I too came from a bad past and chose men that were just like my father. All I knew was chaos -- I didn't know anything else.

 

I had several bad long term relationships. My self-esteem was shot. I took several years off from dating and used that time for myself. I was content being alone and didn't even want a relationship at that point. But when I started dating again for fun, I was able to spot those that I knew were wrong for me. I walked in with strong boundaries and standards. It took awhile and when the right one walked in, I realized what it truly meant for someone to care and love you.

 

Most times you can see the red flags. You have to be able to walk away when you see them. Don't stay in it because you need to be with someone. And you don't necessarily always have to be in a relationship. The best relationship is the one you foster with yourself.

[Nothingtolose]

I understand how you feel. I too came from a bad past and chose men that were just like my father. All I knew was chaos -- I didn't know anything else.

 

I had several bad long term relationships. My self-esteem was shot. I took several years off from dating and used that time for myself. I was content being alone and didn't even want a relationship at that point. But when I started dating again for fun, I was able to spot those that I knew were wrong for me. I walked in with strong boundaries and standards. It took awhile and when the right one walked in, I realized what it truly meant for someone to care and love you.

 

Most times you can see the red flags. You have to be able to walk away when you see them. Don't stay in it because you need to be with someone. And you don't necessarily always have to be in a relationship. The best relationship is the one you foster with yourself.

 

I feel like I'm at that point now with dating - I've gone on LOTS of dates since my breakup and met lots of different guys, and have been able to spot the red flags right away - and walk away immediately. I'm super scared of getting into yet another terrible relationship, so I'm definitely being overly cautious with new people. It's just my ex that I cannot seem to let go of. He has a strange hold on me that no one before has ever had.

[Zahara]

I feel like I'm at that point now with dating - I've gone on LOTS of dates since my breakup and met lots of different guys, and have been able to spot the red flags right away - and walk away immediately. I'm super scared of getting into yet another terrible relationship, so I'm definitely being overly cautious with new people. It's just my ex that I cannot seem to let go of. He has a strange hold on me that no one before has ever had.

 

I would recommend you stay away from dating and truly heal from your wounds. Since your break-up, you've still been dabbling with him. Take a break. Heal. Shift the attention inward. Take some time alone. We often jump back into dating because we hope someone will rescue us from the void/pain we feel. You should put men aside for now and really focus on getting to the other side.

 

I don't think your ex has a strange hold on you. The reason why you haven't been able to get past him is because you've been holding on. It's normal that after an ending, and with true NC, we go through discomfort/pain for awhile until it gets to a point where we feel hopeful about the next phase of our life. You have not allowed yourself to go through that process. You've been taking two steps forward and back therefore it feels like you can't get over him. You've stayed stagnant. So, it's not realistic to say that you can't let go when you haven't even tried by taking the proper steps to grieve and heal.

 

Rejection is painful. You keep going back hoping he will validate you. And usually it's those feelings that keep us holding on because we want them to value us. If they do then that in turn defines our worth. But the only one that can do that is you.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Zahara

[Beachead]

To add strength to Zahara's point, this isn't love you're feeling. It's addiction.

 

He is terrible for you, you know he is, yet you return to him or take him back because you yourself are dealing with the symptoms of withdrawal. When it gets too painful being apart, you return to your drug to get your fix again and you'll deceive yourself into believing that it is a justified reason when deep down inside, I think you know it's not. Ultimately, the high wears off and you feel terrible again..maybe even worse. But you can't stop because you're addicted. So 9 months later, here you are.

 

This man knows he can have you whenever he wants and has lost respect for you. This is why he comes and goes as he pleases. He knows you'll take him back and you are making that easy for him by not being in control of yourself and succumbing to your addictions. By continuing to remain in contact with him, you hurt yourself. This is why you feel so miserable nearly 1 year later. The wounds from the original breakup never healed because every month or two, you'd break contact and reopen them again.

 

This is why when two people breakup, it should completely end. There is a reason that the break up happened. You should trust in that reason. People don't change in a month or a few. It can take a few years..maybe several..maybe never. To doubt your decision is completely normal but understand in your case, those doubts come from fear to face a future without this person and also from your struggle to deal with the withdrawal. You must ride the pain until you see the sunshine again..and you will see the sunshine.

 

This 30 or 60 day no contact rule suggesting people will magically change, heal and possibly win their ex back within such a short time is something that was created by people who saw heartbroken folk as an opportunity for business. It peppers in some truth to legitimize the lies it is coated with and people in their heartbroken desperation, will take it because it offers HOPE. The reality is 30-60 days is nothing in the grand scheme of healing and changing as a person. Healing takes time. It's slow. Sometimes it can get worse before it gets better. Even with all the therapy, going to the gym, journaling, keeping busy..it is still a process that needs to be ridden out. Similar to digesting food. Just to kill the hope of a relationship ever working out can even take half a year minimum.

 

This is not to discourage you. This is to let you know, it takes time. For you, even though it's been 9 months, it is really Day 1 for you because of the contact you've had with this guy.

 

So, if you have not done this already, block him off of social media and maybe even change your number. No more contact. You two cannot be friends nor will you ever be friends. There is too much history and a lot of disrespect from his side. Do not rush yourself and do not contact him, do not respond to him and make sure he can't contact you ever again. If it's too hard to cut contact like this, then atleast pull him off of social media so you don't have to see updates or feel temptations to stalk him.

 

You must direct all your energy to healing now. You cannot do that with him in the picture. I also advise you to not date right now. You have wounds that have not healed and alone time is needed to reflect upon everything so that you can grow as a person and learn. If you date, you'll rob yourself of this personal development because should you meet someone great, the happiness of being with them will displace it. It won't heal it though. And those issues may return in a new relationship.

 

- Beach

Edited June 22, 2018 by Beachead