She's got a new boyfriend and it sucks

[TeddyPSmith]

I dated her for 2 years and she broke up with me 4 months ago. It's been NC the whole time. I was marginally better (maybe 15% healed) but found out that she has a new boyfriend and I suspect that he was around while we were still together. I feel like im back at square 1.

 

I have a bad feeling that this breakup will take me a year or more to recover from. How long did it take you to get over your ex? What methods helped you?

[Happy Lemming]

For me... If I was dating someone for two years and got dumped... I'd say three weeks to a month, then I'm going to wander down to my local pub and start "testing the waters". I don't have to be successful that first night, just be sociable and try to get back into the practice of talking/chit-chatting with women again.

 

In my opinion, 4 months is long enough. You need to rebuild your confidence, get out there and chit-chat with various women. Start looking for a new person, she doesn't have to be "Miss Right", just someone to rebuild your confidence as a man.

 

NEXT!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think the details of how or why you break up may play some part in the level of devastation, for example, cheating.

 

Thankfully I haven't had any dramatic break-ups or anything I didn't see coming regardless who initiated the breakup apart from one. And that was bloody painful. It was a 3 year relationship and took a solid 6 months before I finally stopped crying at the mere thought of him.

 

There is no timeline when it comes to heartbreak. The only thing you can count on is that time does heal.

 

That being said, you need to take some responsibility for your healing as well such as going NC, blocking them on social media, and taking off your rose-colored glasses long enough to realize things weren't quite a rosy as you may have thought. Some people get a serious case of amnesia when they're in the throes of a break-up and choose to only remember the good times while forgetting all the hard/bad times.

Edited June 8, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[TeddyPSmith]

And that was bloody painful. It was a 3 year relationship and took a solid 6 months before I finally stopped crying at the mere thought of him.

 

There is no timeline when it comes to heartbreak. The only thing you can count on is that time does heal.

 

that makes me feel a little better. I feel so alone and weird sometimes because of my feelings.

 

That being said, you need to take some responsibility for your healing as well such as going NC, blocking them on social media, and taking off your rose-colored glasses long enough to realize things weren't quite a rosy as you may have thought. Some people get a serious case of amnesia when they're in the throes of a break-up and choose to only remember the good times while forgetting all the hard/bad times.

 

thats a fact. I wish I knew how to heal.

[JP92]

Like you, I am curious how long it takes. I am on my 3rd week and have noticed improvement. When it first occurred, I was in complete shock and incapable of eating/sleeping and performing any tasks. As each day passes, I feel like the lows aren't as often and the happy moments are now on a 50-50 scale with the lows. I have periods of deep sadness and then periods of happiness and normalcy. It's like riding a wave. But I'm extremely encouraged by the progress I've made in 3 weeks and like most will say, time will heal us. I wish I could fast forward but that day where we are healed and over the pain we are currently feeling will be here before we know it.

 

Biggest help for me so far has been trying new things. I hired a personal trainer which is something I never would have done, have picked up biking, and basically maximize my free time when I am not at work. These tasks still aren't easy as I sometimes find myself wishing I could share them with her but they've definitely helped me overall.

Edited June 9, 2018 by JP92

[heartbrokenoff]

I was with my ex for 12 years. She cheated and left me for another guy. It took me 2.5 years to be healed and able to date and love again.

[Xavi]

It usually takes me longer than most to recover, especially in my last one where the breakup came out of nowhere. We only dated for 8 months, but I was a complete wreck for the first 2 months after that. I would say it took me about 4 months to get over her, though I still remember her often (its been 7 months)

 

Some people get over it quickly, others (like me) just have to take their time. I accepted this a long time ago and take this period to work on myself.

 

Things that helped:

1. Talking about it, facing your emotions (don't be afraid to cry)

2. Joined a gym and started a diet. I'm down 16 lbs so far with more to come. It does wonders to your confidence.

3. This may seem shallow, but a couple youtube channels helped out a lot. There is this one guy called Alpha M that posts videos almost daily with advice for guys on Grooming, fitness, and overall style. I had terrible fashion sense before watching these videos and have been improving.

4. I lost a lot of sleep after the breakup. Getting my sleep schedule back on track by prioritizing sleep above everything else was probably the best thing I did to help my recovery. I bought an alarm clock and now sleep with my cel phone in another room.

[guest569]

4 years and counting.

[TeddyPSmith]

Crap I’m sorry. How long were y’all together?

[Bromeo]

Well, usually I’m over it and moving on, however this last ex took a significantly longer time than the previous ones.

 

We were together 18 months, and due to my inability to cut ties and her hot/cold behavior, it wasn’t until I cut her completely off 6 months later that I really began to heal up.

 

Took about 9 months or so after that. Utter nc.

 

Now life is amazing. Still think about her sometimes. But not the painful needy mess I was before.

 

Odd how different each situation is.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Bromeo

[Goodguy05]

if I'm really in love 3 yrs each time to completely have them out of the system. it's different for everyone but for me I donno it takes a while. maybe because sometimes I try and bury how i really feel only for those feelings to resurface down the track. I'm talking relationships I've had like 10 yr marriage that went south a recent 6 yr relatio nship I'm about 2yrs in but we work together with keeps ressetting me. then I've been wth someone who I was wth for 3 yrs and got over em in 6 mths depends how strong and close and how much i loved em equates to the longer it takes. again everyone's different

[kheratha]

I dated her for 2 years and she broke up with me 4 months ago. It's been NC the whole time. I was marginally better (maybe 15% healed) but found out that she has a new boyfriend and I suspect that he was around while we were still together. I feel like im back at square 1.

 

I have a bad feeling that this breakup will take me a year or more to recover from. How long did it take you to get over your ex? What methods helped you?

 

 

4 moths post BU for me either...and it's getting better, I did everything by the book, gym, seeing friends, going out a lot, dating around (no success yet but did wonders for my self esteem).

 

 

I still think of him everyday, but the pain is fading day by day

 

 

What it helped me tremendously was NC and the fact I did not hear anything about him bc of long distance.

 

 

You will get there, OP, consider that you heard about her BF is only a step back and not compromise entire healing:)

 

 

I feel for you, but we all we'll be happy eventually.

Keep your faith!

Edited June 14, 2018 by kheratha

[SevenCity]

4 years and counting.

 

Ouch. I’m still not over my 7 year ex 2 years later.

 

I’m doing much better than I was and have fallen in love with a new woman but the pain and what if thoughts about the ex pop up from time to time.

 

Initially I was a complete mess and couldn’t eat or sleep for about 3 months and dropped 40 lbs as a result.

 

The breakup forced me to reevaluate who I was and I’ve become a much better partner as a result. However, this one did damage to me from which I don’t think I’ll ever heal. I no longer trust women and don’t take their “I love yous” as anything more than what they feel in that moment.

 

I hope one day I can get to apathy about my ex but for now I am still angry.

 

The challenge is learning from my past without ruining the relationship I have now. The great thing about my new gf is she realizes good communication is critical to making a relationship last whereas my ex communicated nothing until it was too late.

 

To this day I have no idea why she left. Everything was fine....until it wasn’t.

[wearehappy]

I'm separated and it's been 5 months after she left me. I feel guilty not being a good husband over the past 7 years. I don't know how long it'd take for me to recover, either. She seems determined to leave our marriage behind.

 

Right now, I'm at the phase of sleep disorder and depression all day long. NC'ed for 3 months or so, but just called her again yesterday. We both cried.

[Young mind]

8 months in , tbh , the word “recover” is a great word here , because everyone recovers from these situations but most of the time we want to “ get over” and that might take longer than we projected.

 

I can say I’m doing great, she still pops in my head, and now I can only wish her well, I think after a while, you just get on with your life, you solve your own life and gradually euthymia sets in

[overcome]

Hey Ted,

 

You ask a great question but unfortunately it all depends on you, how long the relationship lasted, why it didn't work...etc. So many factors that I think it's pretty tough to say.

 

I was once told that however long the relationship lasted, it will take half that amount of time to get over it. One year would equal six months. Personally that's never been the case for me.

 

I think the best advice I can give is to to go NC as others have said. Get rid of anything you gave you. Delete her number. Delete pictures. Delete all texts. Definitely delete her from FB. The idea is out of sight out of mind. It definitely helps.

 

As you heal, work on you. Whatever it is you want to do. Hit the gym to get in shape. Do something new that you always wanted to. Get a dog (I'm going to do that in a few weeks).

 

Finally, allow yourself to grieve. It is part of the healing process.

 

I wish you luck in your recovery. It's been three days for me and yeah, it totally sucks. But I know one day I'll be okay and ready for the next woman who I will fall in love with and hope for the best.

[TeddyPSmith]

It seems like some people just stick with you. I have a couple theories on why this is taking so long:

 

1) she was to be the redemption of my failed marriage. We had our own little family; me, my daughter, her, and her son. I constantly think about how much fun we used to have.

2) I really liked this girl. Sexually, emotionally, intellectually. Ive never liked someone as much as her

3) She seemed to end it so easily and be unaffected by it. That destroyed my ego and I am holding on in some weird hope that I can earn back my self esteem by being a martyr.

4) While I actually wanted to break up with her in the end, I think I was fooling myself and hoping that a breakup would cause her to see the light and change the things that were always bothering me.

 

I have absolutely sh*t the bed on this one by sending her some vile texts when I found out about her boyfriend. I accused her of cheating on me with him, called her lots of bad names, etc. I actually feel horrible about this and considered writing an apology letter to her. I dont want to be remembered this way.

[overcome]

Ted,

 

That's rough.

 

Here's the thing. We always assume the worst about an ex. How easy it is for s/he to move on. How easy it was for s/he to no longer care. You get the picture. While we convince ourselves that is the case, we really don't know how easy or how hard it was for the other person. And while it slowly eats away at us, our minds tend to exacerbate the issue even more.

 

You say you did some crappy things to her when you found about the new guy. I get it. If you decide to send an apology letter, do it with the thought that you will never get a response, that you will never hear from her again, that you will see her again. If you must do this, do it and be done.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain. We all are. But she's moved on. You must do the same no matter how much you don't want to.

[TeddyPSmith]

youre right. Ive got to move on, no matter how much I dont want to. Ive dated around and had a couple flings but nobody compares. I think it's pointless to even attempt it until Im healed.

 

I had a thought today, for the first time, that I had the power to just let it go. That I could make a conscious choice to cut the strings from my heart and let it go, focus entirely on the present moment. I did it successfully for a few minutes. It was only a small step but it was a step nonetheless.

 

I just have such a hard time knowing that what was such a special person to me will never be in my life again. She didnt care enough to check up on me even once. I mean we had a family basically. Our kids never got to say goodbye. I never got to see her one last time. I saw her two times since the breakup and both times she looked radiant, happy, and carefree. Her new boyfriend is a wonder kid, although 9 years younger than her (only 21!). I feel like she won on so many levels and I just lost. Yet the whole relationship I felt like she wasn't appreciating me, mostly just took and took, and was insensitive towards me. It just seems so unfair. I guess all the more reason to let it go.

 

Thanks for the replies!

[overcome]

I just have such a hard time knowing that what was such a special person to me will never be in my life again. She didnt care enough to check up on me even once. I mean we had a family basically. Our kids never got to say goodbye. I never got to see her one last time. I saw her two times since the breakup and both times she looked radiant, happy, and carefree. Her new boyfriend is a wonder kid, although 9 years younger than her (only 21!). I feel like she won on so many levels and I just lost. Yet the whole relationship I felt like she wasn't appreciating me, mostly just took and took, and was insensitive towards me. It just seems so unfair. I guess all the more reason to let it go.

 

Thanks for the replies!

 

 

Ted I'm confused here.

 

You say that she was a special person to you (I don't doubt it) but then you go on to list all the things that most guys would run from. She took and did not give. She didn't fully appreciate you. She didn't check up on you after the break-up. Why was she so special? I'm sorry to be harsh but does it not seem like she took you for granted? That she abused in you in a manner of speaking?

 

If you were a machine and was looking at this with pur logic, do you think you would feel this way based on what you said in your post?

 

Ever see the movie, 500 days of summer? If not, watch it. There's a part in the movie where the guy reflects on a relationship with a girl he loved. As the pain settled in, he started to realize that the girl was not perfect. That there many times during the relationship that she was actually kind of cruel to him. I don't know..it's a good movie in my opinion.

 

But listen man. You will love again. You will find another one. You just have to give it time.

[TeddyPSmith]

You say that she was a special person to you (I don't doubt it) but then you go on to list all the things that most guys would run from. She took and did not give. She didn't fully appreciate you. She didn't check up on you after the break-up. Why was she so special? I'm sorry to be harsh but does it not seem like she took you for granted? That she abused in you in a manner of speaking?

 

Ive felt slightly abused at times when I think back on it. Its such a weird thing. Most guys definitely would run from that. I was actually pushing her away because I knew it couldnt work. But then I think I was hoping she would realize what she was going to lose and make some changes. Now that I see her new boyfriend, who in many regards could be considered and upgrade from me, it makes me wonder if I was actually the problem the whole time.

 

Ever see the movie, 500 days of summer? If not, watch it. There's a part in the movie where the guy reflects on a relationship with a girl he loved. As the pain settled in, he started to realize that the girl was not perfect. That there many times during the relationship that she was actually kind of cruel to him. I don't know..it's a good movie in my opinion.

 

Yes I sure have. What a great movie for breakups. Its actually kind of hard for me to watch.

 

I am starting to think that a lot of this stems from problems inside of me and not really her. Ive got some attachment and abandonment issues that are probably the root of this. I do think ill love again but I have to be patient. Thats just tough for me!

[HiCrunchy]

4 years and counting.

 

I feel you. I still miss him even though its been more 1.5 years since he and I talked....

[overcome]

Ted,

 

I don't know man. They say it takes two to tango. And I doubt it was all you that caused the break. No person is perfect. I know it's easy for me to say but you should not compare yourself to this other guy. He may look good on paper but who knows how things will pan out. Still, you have to get thoughts like that out of your head. It won't help to wonder about things like that. Which is why NC/out of sight, out of mind, works so well. I deleted her on social media, phone, text, photos, gifts she got me. Anything I could find, I got rid of it. I purged myself of her. It definitely helps.

 

I watched 500 days of summer this morning. Yeah, it's tough to watch and made me sad. Probably not the best choice of movies. I'll have to be careful and not start watching Swingers next.

 

Being patient is so hard. The heart wants what the heart wants and to tell it to wait, is tough. About your issues you mentioned, it may be worth speaking with a therapist? If you carry these issues into the next relationship without resolving them, you might end up in the same boat again. Just a thought.

 

Stay strong.

[TeddyPSmith]

Man it's so hard not to compare myself to this guy. Reading his "resume"...he's the kind of guy that every parent wants their kid to be and every parent wants their daughter to marry. It couldn't have been a more decisive blow. It's just so strange though, he's 9 or 10 years younger than her. I think he's a Christian. She was actually in disbelief when I told her that I went to church because I wanted to grow my faith. She is pretty much an atheist. He also appears to be moving away for a couple years pretty soon. It's just so damn weird. But you are right. NC is the only way to go. I decided to stop looking at her, his, and her friends' facebook pages. I need to put this behind me for good.

 

Ive actually been in weekly therapy since this happened in February. We identify the issues but I don't see much of a treatment plan or course of action. It's mostly just talking about my problems. Im thinking it might be time for a switch.

 

 

Thanks for writing back man. Also, Swingers might be on my list for this week.

[TeddyPSmith]

My previous posts show the history but we dated for 2 years. Been broken up for 4 months. I found out the other day that she's got a new boyfriend. He's 8 years younger than her and barely out of college. She's a single mom in the service industry. This kid is a superstar with all sorts of awards and credentials.

 

 

I always thought she had a pissy and entitled attitude, was mean to me, lazy, and slacking on her mothering abilities. I thought I would be the one that came out of this smelling like a rose but it's been the complete opposite. I'm having a really hard time understanding how she got over me so quickly and landed this guy. He seems to be so straight laced and Christian. Her past is nothing of the sort. She's wasn't horrible but I suspected she was promiscuous, dabbled in some of the heavier drugs, and generally made poor decisions.

 

 

This has been the hardest breakup I've ever been through. I've been in a deep depression the entire time and here she is, seeming to have freed herself from the "burden" of me, someone that was always generous, hard working, fatherly to her child. What gives?! I also wonder if he was the motivation for her to leave me. They work together and every other time we broke up, she was always begging to come back. This time she was out the door and never looked back. Never even checked up on me once.