Question after break up

[overcome]

Hi everyone,

 

I think this site is great. People care and offer sound advice.

 

I'll keep this short but I would like to know what the community thinks.

 

My relationship with a girl ended about three days ago. It sucks, it hurts, I'm depressed but I won't allow myself to wallow in my sadness. I allow myself to grieve but I refuse to stay in my condo and not go out.

 

She was a nice girl and did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. To clarify, neither one of us cheated, had bad arguments, or anything along those lines.

 

Her reasons for the break don't make much sense to me and I suppose it's kind of irrelevant. I've learned that dwelling on this type of stuff only makes things worse.

 

Anyway, I've talked with friends/family as it helps. The one question they have all been asking is what I will do if she tries to contact me? I've gone NC. Deleted everything. And I do mean everything.

 

I'm not assuming she will and as far as I'm concerned, I'll never hear or see her again. But if she does, I don't know what to say?

 

Can anyone offer some advice? If you have questions that will help you with offering me advice, please ask. I'll do my best to answer them.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Funny bunny]

We are recommended to reply only if the other party wants to reconcile. They might open with small talk but do they want to reconcile? If they don’t they are just giving you what is known to be as breadcrumbs and you’re too good for that. I’m sorry for your loss. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I just got done from screaming his name at my front door because I want him to show up so bad but I will never see him again in my lifetime. Ughh

[overcome]

Hi Bunny,

 

Well, my ex ended up sending me a text this afternoon. "Hi. Just checking in. Are you doing okay?"

 

I was surprised to get the text as I honestly did not think I would hear from her.

 

I gave it some thought and responded. "Hi. I'm doing well. Take care."

 

She responded with: "Thanks for responding to my text"

 

So um whatever. Breadcrumbs it is. If she sends me another text asking how I'm doing or how's work, I'm not going to reply. I have no desire to be friends with her and I want to heal.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. What happened? If you want to share of course.

[JayHarris]

I replied when she checked in on me a week after the breakup. I had bought her an expensive electronic prior to the breakup and it arrived after the breakup. She basically pretended to care about checking in on me only to get me to give her the gift. I shouldn't have given it to her but I didn't want to act petty and I had no purpose for the gift.

 

After I gave her the item in person, she has yet to initiate 1 conversation with me. Silly me thinking she actually gave a **** about my mental state. She got her item and eased her guilt. Not all cases are the same, but I was so happy to see a text from her and now realize it had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to ever reconnect.

Edited June 18, 2018 by JayHarris

[overcome]

Hey Jay,

 

That sucks man. I'm sorry.

 

Two weeks ago it was her bday and I had gotten her a nice gift and took her out to a nice place for dinner.

 

The day after we broke up, she sent me a text asking me if I wanted the gift back. I replied "no, it's a gift and you can do whatever you want with it".

 

But I feel you. I think my ex sent me that text to just ease her guilt. Maybe she cares but does it matter? The only text I wanted was that she wanted to talk about what happened and to see if we could reconcile. Anything else is just a waste of my time. I think I'm in the anger stage right now?

[JayHarris]

Hey Jay,

 

That sucks man. I'm sorry.

 

Two weeks ago it was her bday and I had gotten her a nice gift and took her out to a nice place for dinner.

 

The day after we broke up, she sent me a text asking me if I wanted the gift back. I replied "no, it's a gift and you can do whatever you want with it".

 

But I feel you. I think my ex sent me that text to just ease her guilt. Maybe she cares but does it matter? The only text I wanted was that she wanted to talk about what happened and to see if we could reconcile. Anything else is just a waste of my time. I think I'm in the anger stage right now?

Well, each situation is different. I had a lot of false hope right after it happened and am now shifting towards the acceptance stage. She hasn't truly felt your absence yet and may end up missing you and regretting her decision. I can't promise that but I think I ruined my chances by being begging and pouring my heart out after the breakup. I told her I could easily fix the reasons she gave me for the break up and that didn't satisfy her so I'm thinking it must have been a much deeper reason and she didn't want to hurt me. Her reasons had to do with dogs and schedules and when I told her solutions, she gave me a reply that was impossible for me to fix and said she needed to be single. Translation: Go away.

Edited June 18, 2018 by JayHarris

[Marc878]

Hi Bunny,

 

Well, my ex ended up sending me a text this afternoon. "Hi. Just checking in. Are you doing okay?"

 

They all like to think you can't live without them.

 

I was surprised to get the text as I honestly did not think I would hear from her.

 

I gave it some thought and responded. "Hi. I'm doing well. Take care."

 

She responded with: "Thanks for responding to my text"

 

So um whatever. Breadcrumbs it is. If she sends me another text asking how I'm doing or how's work, I'm not going to reply. I have no desire to be friends with her and I want to heal.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. What happened? If you want to share of course.

 

You are correct it was just breadcrumbs. Your response was fine but I'd ignore those in the future. Breakups happen.

 

Remember the only one who can keep you bound up in this is you.

[Marc878]

Most will try the friends thing but it's for them not you. Don't bite on that.

 

It just makes you look weak and needy. Not a place you want to put yourself.

 

When one door closes another opens.

 

It didn't work out so what it's not the end of the world

[overcome]

Thanks Marc,

 

I agree with you 100%. I suppose it was okay for me to respond to her one text but that's it for me. It hurts like hell but in the long run, I'll be better off letting this door close.

[TeddyPSmith]

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't see that as a breadcrumb. I mean I guess it technically is but it is also possible that a person has empathy and feels bad for pain they've caused. To me, the difference is that a breadcrumb would be used to keep some small ember of hope burning. I think your ex was being kind.

 

 

I would love to have had some shred of kindness from mine. It has eaten at me for months that she just left the way she did. It sounds like youre doing pretty good with this Overcome. I hope you continue your healing well.

[d0nnivain]

NC can be important for healing. It's like not picking a scab.

 

However, if after a break up my EX contacts me, I have always spoken to the person. If I was the dumper I keep it short & don't give false hope. If I was the one who got rejected, I assume the other person is calling me with a practical consideration like the return of stuff or to tell me something. Some two years after the fact I called an EX when his father died. That EX & another one sent me condolence cards when my parents died. I went to the funeral of a different EX.

 

I never did the dramatic poison the earth break ups. Of course they were sad & un-pleasant. Break ups hurt. But that doesn't mean you can't be kind or civil to somebody you used to care about.

Edited June 18, 2018 by d0nnivain

[Normm]

what I will do if she tries to contact me?

 

 

To your question "what should you do if she contacts me again".

 

Depends on your goals and it can be one of several.

 

You might be:

 

a) waiting around for her to change her mind and be willing to be kept on a string and jump at any contact you get from her, hoping for that slim chance she'll change her mind and realize she made the biggest mistake of her life and come running back into your arms.

 

b) wanting to move on with your life and get her out of your head ASAP so you can focus on yourself and ultimately meeting someone new.

 

If I was to guess I'd say you're stuck on (a) or you'd completely shut her down and not have even bothered to post a thread about it. You'd cut off any and all means of contact so the issue wouldn't arise in the first place.

 

In any case I'd suggest you go with (b)

[preraph]

You know, seems like in every breakup, there's one who inappropriately recontacts the other when they get drunk or lonely or horny, but nothing has changed. They're just in their feelings for a moment and not being considerate of the other person's feelings.

 

If she does continue to breadcrumb you and it's clearly not her wanting to work on a solid reconciliation, you have to tell her what you told us: Look, I wish you well, I really do, but staying in touch isn't a good idea for me because I just need to heal and move on. Hope you understand.

[CantTakeMySmile]

How did she reach out if you deleted everything?

 

What do you want? Do you want reconciliation!

 

Why did you answer?

[Normm]

How did she reach out if you deleted everything?

 

What do you want? Do you want reconciliation!

 

Why did you answer?

 

 

Can anyone answer because I know I know!

 

 

Question 1- He deleted some things but left the door open in case she came knocking.

 

 

 

Questions 2 & 3- He'd love more than anything else for her to come running back to him.

[overcome]

Hi,

 

I deleted everything. Facebook, phone number, pictures, her gifts. You name it, it's not in my condo any more.

 

She contacted me. She has my cell. The number comes up on caller ID but not her name.

 

I responded twice to her texts. Once when she asked if she should return her bday gift to me that I got her a few weeks ago. I replied " no it's a gift and I don't want it back"

 

She texted me again yesterday asking " Hey, just checking in. Hope you're doing okay. To which I replied "I'm doing well. Thanks for asking. Take care"

 

She sent a final text saying "Thanks for responding" Understand that after I get these texts, I delete the number and text. I don't have her number memorized and I have no way of contacting her.

 

That's what has transpired. I have not contacted her, I have nothing of hers. I threw away all her gifts. Anything that reminds me of her is gone.

 

I answered because I do think she cares about my well-being. I kept it extremely short. If she contacts me again, I will not respond. If she wants to talk about what happened and the relationship, I'll have to decide what to do at that point.

 

Just to be clear. I want to heal. I'm doing everything I can to heal. Perhaps some of you think I should not have texted her back at all. Maybe so. But she didn't cheat, I didn't cheat, we cared for each other but her feelings are just no longer there. I am learning to accept that.

 

I have absolutely no interest in being friends and I agree with those who have stated that it's for her, not me.

[Normm]

She contacted me. She has my cell. The number comes up on caller ID but not her name

 

 

You need to BLOCK the number not DELETE it from your phone.

 

 

Do you understand the difference?

[overcome]

Normm,

 

I know the difference. I guess I want reconciliation. If this makes me weak, so be it. But if she wants it as well, she'll move mountains to make that happen. But I will never contact her.

 

I know..I'm giving myself false hope here. And even if we did get back together (which I'm def not banking on) what are the odds things would not just fall apart again?

 

So should I block her number and purge this last thing? Yeah, I probably should.

[sdraw108]

You need to BLOCK the number not DELETE it from your phone.

 

 

Do you understand the difference?

 

 

As I've learned, blocking is useful but not some kind of ultimate tool for NC. If they respect your desire for NC then they won't be in touch anyway. If they don't respect it, it is trivially easy to circumvent a blocked number.

 

 

The only foolproof method is to change your phone number.

[Normm]

As I've learned, blocking is useful but not some kind of ultimate tool for NC. If they respect your desire for NC then they won't be in touch anyway. If they don't respect it, it is trivially easy to circumvent a blocked number.

 

The only foolproof method is to change your phone number.

 

 

That depends. It's my understanding that with most carriers, the blocked sender doesn't know they're blocked. If that's the case, the ex gf would have sent the text but he never would have received it, and he wouldn't have experienced the emotional setback and all the crap that's spinning around in his head right now as a result of him having read it and responded to it.

 

 

Now if she made repeated attempts to reach him via the blocked number, and really wanted to get in touch with him she could simply drive over to his house and ring the bell. There's always a away around a block unless the person is in a witness protection program or something.

[sdraw108]

That depends. It's my understanding that with most carriers, the blocked sender doesn't know they're blocked. If that's the case, the ex gf would have sent the text but he never would have received it, and he wouldn't have experienced the emotional setback and all the crap that's spinning around in his head right now as a result of him having read it and responded to it.

 

Now if she made repeated attempts to reach him via the blocked number, and really wanted to get in touch with him she could simply drive over to his house and ring the bell. There's always a away around a block unless the person is in a witness protection program or something.

 

It depends on the communication method. For example, on Facebook you can easily tell you're blocked just by the fact that you can't see the full profile. On Whatsapp, their image disappears and your messages get the sent indicator but not the delivered or read. SMS has delivery reports that can be enabled (although I admit I have not tested to see if blocked messages still get delivery reports).

 

You don't need to drive to their house to get around a block. You just need to call from a withheld number, or a different number (if sending SMS). With SIM cards a penny a dozen, it isn't hard. SMS gateways are another trivially easy option (they enable you to masquerade as any sending number, or even text-based name, that you like). I know this from experience after multiple attempts at blocking my ex amounted to nothing. She simply called / texted / Whatsapp'd from a new number. I came to the conclusion that I would have to change my number if I really wanted to get rid of her. Luckily she has stopped bothering me so it hasn't been necessary.

 

Yes, if you change your number they can still get hold of you through other means. But those means are far less convenient and less likely to get used. In my case, my ex is in another country. She isn't going to be driving around to my door any time soon.

[d0nnivain]

I answered because I do think she cares about my well-being. I kept it extremely short. If she contacts me again, I will not respond. If she wants to talk about what happened and the relationship, I'll have to decide what to do at that point.

 

Just to be clear. I want to heal. I'm doing everything I can to heal. Perhaps some of you think I should not have texted her back at all. Maybe so. But she didn't cheat, I didn't cheat, we cared for each other but her feelings are just no longer there. I am learning to accept that.

 

I have absolutely no interest in being friends and I agree with those who have stated that it's for her, not me.

 

Look, you acknowledge that she's reaching out from a place of kindness. That tells me you pick good partners. Granted this relationship didn't work out but that doesn't make either of you a bad person. On some level, she hates that she hurt you.

 

I dated plenty of people who I am glad I no longer with but they are good people & I wish them well.

 

The fact that you can appreciate her kindness & not mistake the breadcrumbs for a desire to reconcile speaks well of you.

 

You have both been kind to each other. That alone is rare in the world today.

 

I know the difference. I guess I want reconciliation. If this makes me weak, so be it. But if she wants it as well, she'll move mountains to make that happen. But I will never contact her.

 

I know..I'm giving myself false hope here. And even if we did get back together (which I'm def not banking on) what are the odds things would not just fall apart again?

 

So should I block her number and purge this last thing? Yeah, I probably should.

 

See above. If you feel weak & you need the help of blocking everywhere to forego temptation to reach out, go ahead. However, since you have already decided reconciliation has to come from her alone & you seem to be able to recognize her desire to assuage her own conscience by seeking to have you forgive her for hurting you, I don't think you have to be mean to her in response to her self centered efforts to reach out.

 

Be well. Don't let this one failed relationship erase your gifts for compassion & insight.

[drdre]

Look, you acknowledge that she's reaching out from a place of kindness. That tells me you pick good partners. Granted this relationship didn't work out but that doesn't make either of you a bad person. On some level, she hates that she hurt you.

 

I dated plenty of people who I am glad I no longer with but they are good people & I wish them well.

 

The fact that you can appreciate her kindness & not mistake the breadcrumbs for a desire to reconcile speaks well of you.

 

You have both been kind to each other. That alone is rare in the world today.

 

 

 

See above. If you feel weak & you need the help of blocking everywhere to forego temptation to reach out, go ahead. However, since you have already decided reconciliation has to come from her alone & you seem to be able to recognize her desire to assuage her own conscience by seeking to have you forgive her for hurting you, I don't think you have to be mean to her in response to her self centered efforts to reach out.

 

Be well. Don't let this one failed relationship erase your gifts for compassion & insight.

 

Well said as always d0nnivain. I agree with everything you just said.

[overcome]

Thanks d0nnivain

 

That was helpful and well written

 

She is a good person and so am I.

 

I'm confused by one thing you suggested.

 

However, since you have already decided reconciliation has to come from her alone & you seem to be able to recognize her desire to assuage her own conscience by seeking to have you forgive her for hurting you, I don't think you have to be mean to her in response to her self centered efforts to reach out.

 

I've decided no contact unless she wants to talk about "us". I'm definitely not going to be mean to her but if she continues to reach out just to see how I'm doing or to say hello, I feel as if I should not respond because it's painful to re-open this wound. Can you clarify?

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

I've decided no contact unless she wants to talk about "us". I'm definitely not going to be mean to her but if she continues to reach out just to see how I'm doing or to say hello, I feel as if I should not respond because it's painful to re-open this wound. Can you clarify?

 

At that point when she's becoming a pest you say something like:

I appreciate that you want to make sure I'

m

OK but your attempt at being kind is giving me false hope & feels cruel from my perspective. I know that is not what you intend but it's what I feel. If you want to talk about getting back together, let's have that conversation, but if you are just calling to say hello, I'd rather you didn't.

 

Hopefully she'll back off.