Not sure what to think! :(

[TJ0914]

Hi, long time lurker but first time poster. Just looking for some insight on the situation I'm currently involved in.

 

A bit of background information - my boyfriend finished with me around 4 weeks ago. We met on an online site and it was originally meant to just be a fling as I already have a son from a previous relationship who is my main priority. He was also looking for some fun. He is 26, I'm 25.

 

From the very start alarm bells should have been ringing in my head as even though he appeared very polite, caring and considerate, I was always the one who was paying for meals, fun activities, cinema, car journeys. You name it. I paid for it. However a few weeks later I had started to develop feelings for him. So I confided and explained the situation about my son. He was a bit taken aback but accepted it and said also wanted something more serious. I took him up on the offer but a number of hours later he changed his mind. This continued on for the next couple of weeks, with him wanting a serious relationship then not wanting a relationship. (He had never had a relationship before me).

 

It reaches the end of November and I notice we had never spent a weekend together, only evenings in the week so ask if we could do something. The next weekend we spend a Saturday together which was lovely, however lo and behold I have to pay for everything. Him wanting a relationship, and then not wanting a relationship continues on into December, when he goes home for the Christmas period. I put a lot of effort into his gifts, I felt that he deserves to be treated. However as part of his one gift to me, he gave a second hand Christmas card that had already been used for another purpose. I didn't mention it. We agreed over Christmas, we would spend the first weekend of January together. I plan a short getaway, which I book and sort out. It was disastrous. He was really angsty with me the whole time for being too boisterous and excitable. We also had to leave half way through the Saturday as he had a party he had agreed to attend after he knew about the weekend away. So we continue as we are, I cook most nights for him, pay for 80% of things, buy all the food, activities. He confessed that he has trouble juggling me and his life.

 

We're now in February and Valentines. I take him out for a lovely meal, buy some gifts. He presents me with a card he drew in work and an unwrapped present, which I gratefully accepted. Again we plod on. We now have a schedule. We can't arrange anything on a Sun, Tues, and Thurs night as these are boys night, so they cannot be rearranged. However I have to constantly rearrange things with my friends. I feel anxious any time someone asks us to double date on a Sun, Tues and Thursday. At this point there is a lack of affection in the relationship, apart from the first and second times he said 'I love you', there has been minimal mention of it. (Again I take it is because he has never had a relationship. My birthday comes around and he says he want to take me out for a meal, which I end up paying more than half for. March is pretty much more of the same, me wanting to spend time with him but him always putting up a fight to spend time with me. He tells his mother at this point he is seeing someone but never the activities we get up to or trips we go on.

 

In April, I find out I'm pregnant. I knew what I wanted to do, but I had him consistently saying 'You have to get rid', 'You can't keep it', 'You can't tell anyone, they'll change your mind'. I also had to do numerous pregnancy tests in front of him. I remember at one point I had started bleeding so he requested that I send over a picture, and his response was 'That's very good news'. Before the pregnancy shock I had already booked a holiday away so decided to still go. The whole time I was away he was messaging me, logging into iCloud to see where I was. Threatening to kill himself because of the situation. At one point I hadn't heard off him in a day and thought he had gone through with it.

 

I returned and he had bought cinnamon tablets to try and induce a miscarriage. 3 days later I have the first appointment, which he didn't attend because he had work. Second appointment he also didn't attend because he had work. Finally when I passed everything, he wasn't there because he was playing football with him friends. He eventually came over and broke down, and wanted to see it to say goodbye. 5 days later, he is becoming increasingly irritated that I haven't booked in for ultrasound to make sure it is all gone. I'm too distraught at this point and feel it is too soon. Following the procedure he never asked if I was okay, or if I was feeling alright. I always felt like a massive burden to him. There was no sympathy or understanding.

 

The next week I book us a trip away to help us get through it all. It goes well, but again I'm funding. There is affection but there is now no intimacy because of the abortion and he is scared to even try. The one or two times we tried he felt my arm, mid way through to check the implant was still in place. It's at this point jokes are starting to be made about my weight etc, even though I consider myself to be fairly slim and athletic. The following week I mention I haven't seen him much, his response is 'I've seen you three times this week' (Two of which were for a hospital appointment relating to the procedure). I go over his and cook him food, he ignored me for most of the night and spends the time watching football with friends. I'm constantly buying new clothes for him and gifts. However nothing nice is ever done for me. He's never cooked for me. The Friday I present him with a holiday I had booked for us in August, on the Saturday we went for a lovely BBQ down the beach, on the Sunday he told me he loved me for the first time in weeks, we argued on Sunday night and by the Monday he had ended things. I told him that he could take the holiday as a gift and go away with a friend, however he didn't accept this.

 

When he ended it, he said that we have so much fun in person but argue too much apart. I begged him to reconsider and he stormed out as we started to argue quite badly. In the days that followed he text my friend to see if I was okay. I asked my friend to ask him for my things back, which led to my ex texting me asking what I would like back. I replied that I desperately wanted my house key back. Communication broke down so he started NC, but text my friend saying I could keep his stuff at mine and that he would drop the key off through my door when I was away for a month. That was 3 weeks ago. I haven't heard anything off him since. My friend has checked my house and nothing has been dropped off. I sent him a good luck card for his exam two weeks ago and as I expected heard nothing off him. I'm blocked on two separate messaging platforms. It is now nearly 4 weeks NC.

 

I've seen him around once, however he put his head down and hid behind his friends.

 

I don't want to get back with him but I have no idea what is going on. I'd like some closure. Everything happened so quickly and by him not returning my things it feels like he is dragging the break up on a bit. I'd be so grateful if you could all give your thoughts. I've summarised the main points, but there are some other things that I've left out due to sheer length.

Edited June 16, 2018 by TJ0914
Missed bit.

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry for all of this. But the closure is he was only ever in this for you to spend money on you. He never really cared & he would have been a lousy father.

[TJ0914]

I am so sorry for all of this. But the closure is he was only ever in this for you to spend money on you. He never really cared & he would have been a lousy father.

 

 

I feel so stupid for wanting to treat him so much. He never seemed to do anything thoughtful for me. I think deep down I knew he was in this for what he could get out of it. We’d always go to the expensive cocktail bars when it was my turn to buy drinks at his suggestion etc. The lack of affection was a killer also. I don’t think I’ll ever hear off of him again. I just don’t understand why he would maintain that he was in love with me.

 

 

It’s so hard to think that if I could have done more for him he wouldn’t have walked.

[d0nnivain]

It’s so hard to think that if I could have done more for him he wouldn’t have walked.

 

WHAT?!!!!!

 

Oh heavens no! The real Q is why couldn't he have done more for you? Why weren't you walking?

 

All I see here is a guy who knocked you up & then couldn't even manage to be there for you emotionally when you terminated the pregnancy. I'd tell you what I really think of him & what a sorry example of a person he is but the mods would ban me from this board. Ugh.

[TJ0914]

WHAT?!!!!!

 

Oh heavens no! The real Q is why couldn't he have done more for you? Why weren't you walking?

 

All I see here is a guy who knocked you up & then couldn't even manage to be there for you emotionally when you terminated the pregnancy. I'd tell you what I really think of him & what a sorry example of a person he is but the mods would ban me from this board. Ugh.

 

I should have walked but was stupidly scared of losing him. I’m not going to bother asking for my key back I’ll just change the locks.

 

What panics me is if he does eventually unblock me and tries to initiate contact. I feel this would set me back many weeks. Hearing what you’ve replied does give me hope, that he was the one with issues and should have done more.

[ElKay]

What would you do if your son was going through this situation and treated the same way by someone he was dating? Sometimes, trying to put things in a different perspective can be really helpful.

 

I personally also am very charitable when I'm in love. I make very thoughtful gifts, I paid for food or outings way more than he did, but he was going through a difficult financial situation, so I thought like I had to help out more...

Unfortunately, he was very immature and was stringing me along because he was too much of an idiotic wimp because he didn't know how to break up with me until things had gotten so out of hand that we had to have this discussion.

 

He didn't deserve you and, unfortunately, we can fall in love with ****s, so don't mistake your feelings with how much he is worth it (which he isn't at all).

[Whodatdog]

That was a hard post to read. After each red flag (and there were many many many ones) I was hoping you would say, you were done with him, done with him treating you badly. But you stayed, allowing him to continue to treat you badly, even tho I think deep down you realized he wasnt good. Maybe theres some co dependency issues going on with you.

[TJ0914]

 

I personally also am very charitable when I'm in love. I make very thoughtful gifts, I paid for food or outings way more than he did, but he was going through a difficult financial situation, so I thought like I had to help out more...

Unfortunately, he was very immature and was stringing me along because he was too much of an idiotic wimp because he didn't know how to break up with me until things had gotten so out of hand that we had to have this discussion.

 

.

 

You almost feel compelled to pay for everything! He used to say, ‘I did offer’. His idea of offering was saying, ‘Should I get this’ and that was the end of it. No reaching for the wallet. I wouldn’t have minded if he seemed to like spending time with me and actively wanted to.

 

Some days I want to message him and list out every way he has hurt me so he can understand what he did. I’m not sure that this is a good idea or whether it would have any effect on him.

[TJ0914]

That was a hard post to read. After each red flag (and there were many many many ones) I was hoping you would say, you were done with him, done with him treating you badly. But you stayed, allowing him to continue to treat you badly, even tho I think deep down you realized he wasnt good. Maybe theres some co dependency issues going on with you.

 

Many many times I thought to myself that I was done with him, done with the way he was treating me. I agree I should have left sooner but never seemed to be able to. We’d argue about him not making enough of an effort, he’d cry and say he’d try harder, a few days later we were back to the start. I think I’ve mentioned above that I’m starting to worry about if he does ever initiate contact, whether it would cause me to lose all the progress I’ve already made.

[ExpatInItaly]

You almost feel compelled to pay for everything! He used to say, ‘I did offer’. His idea of offering was saying, ‘Should I get this’ and that was the end of it. No reaching for the wallet. I wouldn’t have minded if he seemed to like spending time with me and actively wanted to.

 

Some days I want to message him and list out every way he has hurt me so he can understand what he did. I’m not sure that this is a good idea or whether it would have any effect on him.

 

It won't have any effect on him. He has demonstrated time and again that he doesn't care about you, so it won't have the results you are hoping for.

 

He is awful, and yes, you should have walked away a long time ago. He always had one foot out the door, and I have to wonder if he already has another woman in his life somewhere.

 

Let him keep you blocked. He is not boyfriend material and never was. Spend some time instead figuring out why you let someone treat you like this, so you can avoid similar situations in the future.

[ElKay]

You almost feel compelled to pay for everything! He used to say, ‘I did offer’. His idea of offering was saying, ‘Should I get this’ and that was the end of it. No reaching for the wallet. I wouldn’t have minded if he seemed to like spending time with me and actively wanted to.

 

Some days I want to message him and list out every way he has hurt me so he can understand what he did. I’m not sure that this is a good idea or whether it would have any effect on him.

 

My thoughts exactly! Heck, my ex would have gotten away with using me and my money if he didn't lose interest.

 

I feel like I'm talking with myself right now... I also wish I could make him understand that, while our breakup talk was me being pretty polite and honest with him in which ways he had made me feel... Having thought about the situation afterwards, there are so many things I wish I would have said, as if him feeling my pain would have made anything different. It's infuriating that an ex might create some simple story in their mind to justify being so heartless to us, but it's a defense mechanism for them to make themselves feel better and justified. If we tell them how they hurt us, it'll be like yelling at a wall. It won't really get through to them and will only make them think "Good riddance, look at her holding a grudge!" even if we were actually hurt.

[TJ0914]

Even his last message to me felt like another blow:

 

‘ (Insert name here), I think with all due respect I have said all I’ve wanted to say and have made my feelings clear several times. I never wanted to be this blunt, but we are no longer together, and as I said before do not have a chance of reconciliation, so you are free to date. I’ve said I don’t think we should message anymore so to give you due diligence I’m going to block you for a while. I feel this would be the best way for us both to get some distance to deal with the situation. I’m sorry it has come to this. I wish you all the best, and hope you enjoy your trip away on the 10th. (Insert name here)’

 

That was nearly three weeks ago. That message came around two days after the last message I sent him.

[ElKay]

Even his last message to me felt like another blow:

 

‘ (Insert name here), I think with all due respect I have said all I’ve wanted to say and have made my feelings clear several times. I never wanted to be this blunt, but we are no longer together, and as I said before do not have a chance of reconciliation, so you are free to date. I’ve said I don’t think we should message anymore so to give you due diligence I’m going to block you for a while. I feel this would be the best way for us both to get some distance to deal with the situation. I’m sorry it has come to this. I wish you all the best, and hope you enjoy your trip away on the 10th. (Insert name here)’

 

That was nearly three weeks ago. That message came around two days after the last message I sent him.

 

It's all about him and his ego. He wanted to have the last word and feel some sense of control.

[TJ0914]

It's all about him and his ego. He wanted to have the last word and feel some sense of control.

 

The second time I read it I did have a little chuckle to myself about the amount of times he mentioned himself ‘I’, as opposed to ‘you’. This thread has been a life saver. Gathered a little sanity back!

[ElKay]

The second time I read it I did have a little chuckle to myself about the amount of times he mentioned himself ‘I’, as opposed to ‘you’. This thread has been a life saver. Gathered a little sanity back!

 

Glad to hear it's been helping!! It helps me too to tell you advice that I should have told myself a month ago.

This site is great.

[preraph]

Not to rub salt in the wound, but you made so many mistakes here. It's as if you have no boundaries, no standards or rules. If you don't sit down and set some standards for yourself and first of all, demand reciprocation and that they at a minimum pay half, you're going to end up tolerating a dangerous criminal type, because tolerant ones like you are the only ones that will keep them around after they get a whiff of what they're like.

 

Don't EVER do more for a love interest than they have done for you. It may be you don't do the same exact things for each other, but don't give to someone who has shown no signs that they too are giving and generous. I mean, sure if he changes the oil in your car, take that money you saved and buy him dinner or clean the house without asking him to help. Imbalanced relationships where one is all give and one is all take are just parasitic. Most men don't even feel good about themselves if the woman is paying for everything. They get resentful eventually. But mainly it's about self-respect. You shouldn't WANT to be with someone who has so little respect for you that he is just using you like that.

 

He's a creep and I hope he meant what he said about it being over. You need to find out why you think you're not worth any more than that!

[TJ0914]

He's a creep and I hope he meant what he said about it being over. You need to find out why you think you're not worth any more than that!

 

I agree - I shouldn’t have let it go on for as long as I did, but it kept rolling along. I do hope also that I won’t hear from him, but why would someone block an ex and state ‘I’m going to block you for a while’ as opposed to just blocking said person. That added onto the fact that 5 days after the break up I requested my keys back and he sent a text to my friend saying he would drop them off through my door when I was away. He lives 15 minutes away so it wouldn’t take long. I’ve never had a break up like this before, so I feel entirely out of my depth.

[TJ0914]

Needed somewhere to rant about the situation. It’s been playing on my mind a lot that he messaged a friend mentioning that he would push my stuff through my door before he blocked me. That was nearly four weeks away and he hasn’t made good on his word. Nothing has turned up, and I’m still away.

 

Should I send an email asking politely that things are returned?

Or is he playing some sort of a game. He said his stuff could be kept at mine.

He knows I’m away at the moment so could have done that or even sent it via snail mail. He knows my address.

[CantTakeMySmile]

what do you need that can't be replaced?

[TJ0914]

Nothing irreplaceable but in my head it is just the principle of telling someone you’d drop the stuff off and not actually doing it. It’s dragging it on for me. I’m quite happy for it to turn up whilst I’m not there but for some reason he hasn’t! I’d even send a self addressed envelope to him but don’t want to initiate contact.

[TJ0914]

So after no contact of nearly two months the ex got in contact asking how I was. I replied ‘Fine, could we exchange the things we had left over’. Initially he said to give his stuff to charity, then I said I’d leave his stuff outside my house in a box. When I thought about this I felt it was unduly harsh so suggested he let himself in and his stuff would be in the sitting room, and for him then to post my key through the letterbox. I trusted him enough to allow him to do this. I was under the impression it would just be him. Luckily I have security cameras throughout my house. He turned up with two friends who went through my whole living room. Examining everything, looking, reading and laughing at a card someone I am currently dating had sent me. This was encouraged by my ex. They went through a calendar to see what I was doing, as well as general snooping. It was hard to watch the security footage of an ex actively trying to humiliate me in front on his ‘friends’. However when the friends were not around the bravado dropped and he looked hurt. No matter how much you think you know an ex. You don’t. I should never have let him enter my house again.