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cant get over ex - break up 1 year ago


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Hi All,

 

Me and my ex were dating for 8 months. She was 20 I was 30. We had a very deep comfort level with each other (could think what the other is thinking, finish each others sentences, showered all the time together, took dumps while in the bathroom together...sorry for TMI.) my point is we were very comfortable with each other and it allowed us to open up fully and show who we really were. We both came from similar upbringings as in abusive relationships with family members so we both had baggage. I went into the relationship with doubts - she was young. what would my friends think of us. etc. so in turn I ended up talking to other girls to keep options open for something i could see that is more realistic or fitting for my age and eventually got caught cheating. I am a firm believer that she came into my life to realize what its like to have someone genuinely LOVE me...and I took that for granted because I had little faith the age gap could ever work. I was selfish. Learning experiences suck...but I definitely learned my lesson with this girl.She did EVERYTHING for me and I never appreciated what I had.

 

 

2 months post break up there were lingering conversations. Mainly coming from her end. I ended it for good after she had wanted to meet up but when the day came she bailed. So that's when I took the lingering contact into my hands and said how I hated her etc. and how its not fair to continue reaching out when she decided to break up etc. So since then it has been nearly a year of no contact. Since the time I've noticed she unblocked me on all social media platforms which she had me blocked during the break up. She is seeing someone new who from the outside seems like a better fit. They are both into music, both have tattoos. he seems very religious and she has started to practice his religion and is full blown a different person or so she is making it seem (i know this in the details to come).

 

She started dating this guy and became facebook official 2 months after we broke up. Which now that I think of it was the time she was still talking to me post break. I was good for the majority of the time and didn't pay her any mind and MOVED ON. The only time I saw her in person after our break was thanksgiving which was WEIRD. I had a strong feeling in my gut about what she was up to that day and sure enough we drove by each other and noticed each other on thanksgiving day (and we live an hour apart). I swear the universe or w/e higher being gravitated us for that moment.

 

So for the past 2 months I have been really going backwards and getting back into the emotions of missing her. I have dated/slept with multiple girls but truly feel something missing. It is no longer the same. I hate the casual hookups now and no girl has come close to hitting the right buttons in me.

 

This is where my advice is needed. Her youtube account is still logged onto my smart tv so my curiosity got the best of me and I looked through her history. she has definitely been practicing this new religion from the videos ive seen. But the videos that popped out at me were that she recently watched a song that she knows was "our song" titled "still feel like your man" from john mayer. Another song she listened to was his most recent release which when I first heard it called a "new light" i wished she would eventually hear it because the lyrics literally speak about giving an ex a 2nd chance to see them in a new light. The 3rd video that popped out to me was labelled "how to get over a breakup" - this video was buried a bit deeper in her history but was viewed within the past couple months cause the video was only posted 4 months back.

 

Now my mind is back to square one thinking if she is truly thinking of me or what is it? Is it possible she is forcing herself (with religion and this new bf) to continue to try getting over me? Should I be the one reaching out or should she if that is the case?

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Speaking as someone who is strongly connected to music, I will just say that my favorite songs sometimes remind me of more than one guy, or no guy at all. My favorite music, I try real hard not to let a bad breakup sully it for me forever. For example, I had a close call once with my favorite band. I had a bad trauma when my oldest friend slept with the guy I was in love with and had been dating, but we had recently broken up but we had done that and gotten back together a couple of times. So it was in the top two worst times of my life. Well, to make matters worse, she was my roommate. I tried to mostly just stay gone. I was too mad to be around her. But she was an old friend so I wanted to give myself 6 weeks before I decided to kick her out of my life. She was trying to sidle up to me and when I came home a couple of times, she would play my favorite band, probably hoping this would somehow endear me to her again. Well, it made me furious. The first night I had slept with this guy, we had sang one of the songs off that album to each other. That was going to be hard enough to get over. But then now she's playing it and it's getting associated with this horrible time, and I just took the albums and hid them up at work from her and continued to try to stay gone. I wasn't going to have her ruin my favorite band for me.

 

At the end of six weeks, her behavior had worsened and she'd gone through my little black book contacting every guy I ever knew under the premise of being worried about me and wondered if they had seen me. I was red hot and of course kicked her out of my life forever. I had a big talk with her first, found out she was trying to live my life, kind of like the old movie "Single White Female" or whatever it was called. So for a moment, I felt some empathy, and then I kicked her to the curb.

 

I salvaged my favorite band, though I do still have that and so many other memories weighing it down that when I went through a long depression at another time in my life, I couldn't listen to my favorite music at all. My entire life is tied up with associations with music, or was to that point.

 

So point being, don't make assumptions based on the song she's playing. She's planning on playing that with other guys. If you want to see her again, pick a time she's not seeing someone and touch base. As an aside, I recommend you don't go to the bathroom with each other because it destroys all mystery and decorum, and it's too, well, parental. So just a friendly suggestion. I broke up with a guy who was kind of clingy and him following me to the bathroom was the last straw.

 

Good luck.

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So you cheated on her, told her you hate her, vanished and started stalking her. The stalking thing is really uncool. I suspect you also have rose coloured glasses. I wonder if you did anything to attempt to make up for wronging her? Or is it all her fault for not staying after you cheated?

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Now my mind is back to square one thinking if she is truly thinking of me or what is it? Is it possible she is forcing herself (with religion and this new bf) to continue to try getting over me? Should I be the one reaching out or should she if that is the case?

 

You have mourned this relationship you screwed up for 1/3 longer than it existed. That is not healthy.

 

 

You have to let her go. First step, disconnect from all social media. Stop watching her YouTube videos. You are employing what the shrinks call a confirmation bias -- picking out the stuff that speaks to you & ignoring the other stuff like her new religious views which are hopefully helping her overcome her abusive childhood & recognize that men, like you, who take her for granted are no good for her.

 

 

You can try reaching out IF she is not longer dating anybody. Don't be a homewrecker but I hope she will be strong enough to say no thanks.

 

 

Meanwhile you need to make peace with your behavior, vow never to do something like that again & continue your search for a compatible mate closer to your own life stage.

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My advice is to do whatever is necessary to cut yourself off from her social media accounts. The obsession is preventing you from healing and moving forward.

 

 

 

I know you're thinking "what if she decides she misses me but doesn't know how to go about reaching me if I cut her off?"

 

 

All dumped people think this way.

 

 

 

The answer is that in the EXTREMELY unlikely event she decides she wants to give it another chance, she'll find you. She won't be thinking "I wonder if he'll be ok with it" because she's not thinking about your needs, she's thinking about HER needs just like she did when she dumped you with no regard for how it would affect you.

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