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Lost Our Baby and Now I've Lost Her **Updated**


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Hi there,

 

 

I could really use some support. I am having a really difficult time dealing with this.

 

 

Back in February, my girlfriend of 2 years and I were supposed to have a baby boy. About three weeks before her due date, my girlfriend went to her OBGYN for a regular checkup and he was not able to find a heartbeat. My girlfriend was admitted to the hospital and forced to give birth (they refused to do a c-section because of the risks involved) to our stillborn son on February 3. I can't tell you how badly this tore me up. I still think about it every day.

 

 

 

Our relationship was rocky after his death. The girlfriend and I never lived together (we lived in different cities about 30 minutes away) and after she was released from the hospital, she went to stay with her Father and Stepmother. Her Dad and I had a falling out around Christmas about me not saving enough money to take care of the baby and needing to get a second job, etc. Both of us had been drinking and some harsh words were exchanged. As a result, he told me that I was no longer welcome in his home. So, while my girlfriend stayed there to recover, I could not see her.

 

 

 

About a month after leaving the hospital, my girlfriend returned to work and we started seeing each other again. (During the time that she stayed with her Dad our communication was via text message and phone calls only.) Things seemed okay at first. She seemed very happy to see me and spend time with me. But as time went on, she became very suspicious and began to accuse me with regularity of cheating on her. One day she told me that there was glitter on my forehead and came to the conclusion that I must have visited a strip club.

 

 

 

To make a long story short, about three weeks ago she told me "it's over." We spent a few days going back and forth by text. I asked her why, and she told me that I was not there for her after the baby died and did not lift a finger to take care of her. She also said that I have not been making enough time for her and again insinuated that I have been seeing other people. I told her I was sorry that I didn't do more for her after the baby died, but that I have been grieving, too, and this has not been easy for me at all. I also reassured her that I never cheated on her and told her that I loved her and wanted to work things out. I heard nothing for a couple of days, and then she blocked me everywhere - phone, social media, e-mail, etc.

 

 

 

I did some digging around and found that she has an active profile on Plenty of Fish. I almost threw up when I found that.

 

 

 

I am really conflicted right now. On one hand, if she wants to be single again, I should just let her go. She is doing me a huge favor in the long run. On the other hand, how could a woman who professed to love me right up to the very end find it so easy to cut me out of her life and go on to find other people just a few months after losing our baby? Did she ever really love me? Did she really want the baby as much as she claimed?

 

 

 

Part of me wants her back, part of me is completely disgusted by her behavior.

 

 

 

I have a feeling that she is going to figure out that "the grass is not greener" and eventually unblock me and reach out to me, but why would I want to go back to someone who disrespected me like that? Problem is I know myself well enough to know that if I got that phone call right now, I'd go back in a heartbeat.

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bathtub-row

Oh, man. That is really, really tough. I’m so sorry those things have happened to you. Really, her emotions are all over the place. Her body is still crying out for that child and she’s just not in her right mind. You, too, are grieving deeply.

 

I think she probably has resentment toward you and I think that happened before this tragedy with the baby. If her father disapproved of you, that just made matters worse. The fact that she didn’t turn to you when she was healing is very telling. The fact that she didn’t insist that her father allow you back into his home while she was healing is also a bad sign. Bottom line, I think there were inherent problems that started long ago.

 

I’ll say this, I think the thing with the dating site is just to take a jab at you. The truth is, she’s nuts to even think about dating right now. You never know what the future will bring but this relationship seems to have a number of problems. Despite that, I’m so sorry about your son. I hope you have family or friends who can support you right now. Hugs.

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Please accept my condolences about the death of your child. Understand this baby was more real to her then you because the child had been growing inside her body. Not to diminish your grief in any way but she feels this so profoundly.

 

Many couples do not survive the loss of a child. I don't know why that is but it is true.

 

Perhaps continuing to date you is a stark reminder of this tragedy, one she can't handle. If she goes out & acts carefree she may be doing a fake it 'til you make it thing, trying to convince herself that she is not hurting as much as she is.

 

 

All you can do is self soothe & move on.

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amaysngrace

Maybe she feels as though she got a second chance at life.

 

I'm very sorry for your losses but it can't help that she had her dad in her ear this whole time. He's probably the loudest voice telling her she got off easy because love can't pay the bills and if you disrespected him I'm sure he's more than happy to return that favor.

 

I think you're going to need to move on. :(

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Grief is a terrible thing. It can change a person.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I wish you all the best.

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Thanks for the comments.

 

 

 

Looking back on the last few months of our relationship, I think that she would have left me no matter what I did/said. I am slowly beginning to realize that this is not about me - I've been beating myself up over the last few weeks about how if I had only done X instead of Y or said A instead of B, we would still be together.

 

 

 

Here is what I think really happened: she never really loved me. She might have been attracted to me at one point and might have enjoyed my company, but at the end of the day my feelings for her were stronger than her feelings for me. Then, we got pregnant (it was not planned). Now she needed me and maybe she thought that having my baby would make her feelings for me stronger. The baby dies, she feels like there is nothing left between us, and she slowly exits stage left.

 

 

 

Thinking back to things she said over the last few months, I think that she was trying to be "kind" and give me hints that she was on her way out the door. She would insinuate that I was cheating on her, knowing that it upset me. She would make comments about "oh, that woman is your type." She would tell me about men hitting on her at work, etc. Maybe she even wanted me to be the one who initiated the break up. When I refused to do that, she finally got tired of "being nice" about it and just walked away.

 

 

I guess the way I look at this now is that she did me a favor. It's obvious that she has no respect or attraction for me. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me that way?

 

 

 

It's still extremely painful, though. Just a few months ago we were on the verge of starting a family, and now both her and the baby are gone. I suppose I will never really know what motivated her.

 

 

And yet, knowing all of this, there is still a big part of me that wants her back. Yikes.

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bathtub-row

It’s like in the blink of an eye, everything went sideways in your life. There’s nothing any of us can say to take away the pain you’re in but I hope you know that people definitely care and sympathize with you. It’s understandable that you would want her back. Unfortunately, we can’t turn our emotions on and off like a light switch.

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Yes, it is like everything just kind of imploded overnight.

 

 

But you know, I think that for her this was a long process. A process that took months. By the time she told me "it's over" she was already over me and the relationship. It is hard to accept but I think she planned to break up with me the moment our son died, which tells me that there was really nothing of substance here to make her stay.

 

 

 

That is what really hurts about all of this. I thought we were on the same page in our relationship and that she really did "love" me. Turns out that she would rather be with just about anyone else - or even alone. Geez. Just when you think you know someone....

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Lotsgoingon

There is also some immaturity here with her dad in the middle of your adult relationship.

 

I mean, it's one thing if she has a complaint about your income, but her dad confronting you and keeping you away from her ... Totally immature.

 

So dude ... my heart goes out to you and this loss of a baby ... horrible ... devastating ... on the other hand, you were on the path to being permanently liked up (as parents if not lovers) with someone who didn't have a lot of maturity ...

 

Young people stand up to parents all the time these days ... So ... grieve ... let yourself feel the full sadness of the loss. But you've done your 50 percent or more ... She's not doing her part to sustain or rebuild things ... so there is nothing you can do ... but let go ... learn ... grieve ... move on ...

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Lotsgoingon, that is very true. And we are not that young - she is 36, I am 35. Pretty ridiculous that her Dad (whom I used to really like and get along with well) is that involved in her life.

 

 

 

I've also realized that she is not the woman I thought she was. A "quality" woman would not sleep around with men she met online just a few months after losing a baby. That pretty much says that she did not want the kid and that she does not want me. Hard to accept, but why should I waste my time being upset over someone who behaves that coldly.

 

 

 

I just wish things had gone differently. Oh well, right?

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bathtub-row

I’m just so sorry, David. You’ve taken some really hard hits recently. I hope you have friends and family you can lean on.

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Some of you have probably read my thread below entitled "Lost Our Baby and Now I've Lost Her."

 

 

 

When I came home last night, there was a notice taped to my front door from the Sheriff's office. I called this morning and found out that the ex has filed a restraining order and the notice was put up on my door because a deputy came by my house to serve me when I was not home. I can pick up the papers at the Sheriff's office or they will continue to try serving me at my house.

 

 

 

Jesus......I guess at this point I really need to wake up and accept that she couldn't care any less about me if she tried.

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David I think I see the problem, from reading your other posts.

 

about three weeks ago she told me "it's over."

 

I told her I was sorry that I didn't do more for her after the baby died, but that I have been grieving, too, and this has not been easy for me at all. I also reassured her that I never cheated on her and told her that I loved her and wanted to work things out. I heard nothing for a couple of days, and then she blocked me everywhere - phone, social media, e-mail, etc.

 

I am really conflicted right now. On one hand, if she wants to be single again, I should just let her go.

 

Part of me wants her back, part of me is completely disgusted by her behavior.

 

She told you in no uncertain terms that "It's over".

 

You come back with all the reasons why it shouldn't be over and why she should stay with you and how you want to work things out and etc etc to the point that she had to go and block you to stop you from contacting her because you don't know how to take the word "NO" for an answer.

 

Rather than accept her wishes, you try to convince her otherwise, you talk about how you're conflicted, about how you might or might not take her back if you had the opportunity and make it all about what you want.

 

David this isn't about what YOU want. When one person wants out of a relationship it's their call.

 

You have NO say in the matter.

 

The restraining order appears to be a necessary at this time because you simply don't get it.

 

Leave her alone. Now your continued actions can end up with you in jail.

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Normm, you are right. This isn't about me; it is about her. At this point, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and trying to do something about it is going to land me in serious trouble - not to mention humiliate myself.

 

 

 

Guess I'm just stuck on the fact that she really doesn't give a d*** about me. Particularly after the loss that we had. It's like I am completely expendable to her. Oh well....

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Get an attorney and get the RO dropped. You don't want that on your record.

 

Go complete nc and block her on everything.

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What evidence does she give supporting the restraining order? Is it factual? If it’s false, go ahead and fight the order......don’t want that on your record. But if it’s true, then you need to correct your behavior.

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After she lost the baby (which you presumed to be yours), she no longer needed you for security,childcare, emotional support,camfort - which was the role she had for you (beta provider)

 

Consciously or subconsciously women categories men into two categories - the ones who just genuinely arouse them (alpha seed) and the ones they date for provisioning, security, child caring (beta need)-this is common across all animal species and we are no exception.

 

Now she is going back on dating sites to look for 'alpha seeds' to get her pregnant in a way, then she will come to you,'beta provider' when she needs security and care when she gets pregnant : it might not be as strict as above, but this is what we have evolved to become, she doesn't even realize what she is doing.

 

This explains why during college girls always sleep around with the bad boys, the popular guys, while avoiding and rejecting the nice guys until they suddenly want 'marriage material' guys when they reach their late 20's or early 30's.

 

After the 'bad boy' breaks her heart she goes crying for comfort to the 'nice guy'who declares his undying love for her and how she deserves better, but only to realize she has gotten back with the 'a@shole' who made her cry...

 

Our behavior as people reveal more about us than we realize. . .

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So your assessment is that she was never really attracted to me but thought I could provide for her. Now that the baby is gone, she is out there looking for the "bad boy" that really turns her on, and when she doesn't find that or realizes that he is a piece of crap because he is screwing her and five other women, she is going to come knocking but only because she is lonely/wants attention?

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CantTakeMySmile
After she lost the baby (which you presumed to be yours), she no longer needed you for security,childcare, emotional support,camfort - which was the role she had for you (beta provider)

 

Consciously or subconsciously women categories men into two categories - the ones who just genuinely arouse them (alpha seed) and the ones they date for provisioning, security, child caring (beta need)-this is common across all animal species and we are no exception.

 

Now she is going back on dating sites to look for 'alpha seeds' to get her pregnant in a way, then she will come to you,'beta provider' when she needs security and care when she gets pregnant : it might not be as strict as above, but this is what we have evolved to become, she doesn't even realize what she is doing.

 

 

 

This explains why during college girls always sleep around with the bad boys, the popular guys, while avoiding and rejecting the nice guys until they suddenly want 'marriage material' guys when they reach their late 20's or early 30's.

 

After the 'bad boy' breaks her heart she goes crying for comfort to the 'nice guy'who declares his undying love for her and how she deserves better, but only to realize she has gotten back with the 'a@shole' who made her cry...

 

Our behavior as people reveal more about us than we realize. . .

 

So you seem very decisive in these roles. How do you view these roles in same sex relationships? Curious as to the train of thought.

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I wonder if you guys can relate...

 

 

After my most recent break up (1 month ago), my ex gave me several reasons for ending the relationship. Initially, I accepted the reasons and felt massively guilty for ruining our relationship and "forcing her hand" so to speak.

 

 

After a few weeks had passed, I realized that the "reasons" were just excuses. For example, she told me that I did not spend enough time with her. Well, that goes both ways. Why didn't she pick up the phone and make plans with me? Show up at my house and knock on the front door?

 

 

 

It became obvious that she simply lost interest and pulled away. Her excuses were a way to justify the breakup and lessen any guilt that she felt about it. My acceptance of those excuses was plain old denial on my part.

 

 

 

I still have not completely accepted it, but I can now see one fact with crystal clarity: she did not "love" me. "Love" is not "things are not perfect so I am going to leave you and find someone new."

 

 

 

She might have enjoyed my company and had a good time with me at one point in the relationship, but there was no foundation for a long-term relationship and once the honeymoon period was over, she decided to bounce.

 

 

 

Harsh, but true. It still hurts but now I am beginning to see it from the "she did me a favor" point of view.

 

 

 

Is this a common experience for dumpees? What have your experiences been with this?

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Hi David,

 

I can totally relate. How long was your relationship? Did you go NC after she ended it?

 

I've made my own post and made several responses with my story.

 

But to break it down, 8 month relationship, ended a week ago, her reason didn't make any sense to me (I've decided it doesn't matter anymore) I got rid of everything that reminded of her, cut her off social media, text, phone, threw away all her gifts, deleted all pics..etc. You get the point.

 

So yeah, I think my ex lost interest. Thing is, I'm "one of the good ones". The guys she dated before were *******s. But why she lost interest is beyond me.

 

The reasons don't matter. She didn't make the effort as you pointed out when she could have. So whatever reasons she gives, you can pretty much chalk it up as bs. Maybe they're true but it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Once a woman's interest level drops below 50%, in my opinion it's game over. Even if they come back, it's a gamble to go down that road again.

 

I'm glad to hear you are starting to accept the truth of the matter. You'll heal that much quicker.

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It became obvious that she simply lost interest and pulled away. Her excuses were a way to justify the breakup and lessen any guilt that she felt about it.

 

This is fairly typical. The real reasons are almost never provided by the dumper because they either don't really understand it themselves, it's just a feeling that they want out, and/or they want to spare the pain and awkwardness that results from being brutally honest and giving the real reasons.

 

You might want to take a good hard look at your role in the breakup, it could be that it had nothing to do with you, or perhaps you didn't meet her needs in certain ways and there was a failure to communicate. They say a woman who cares about her guy will nag and complain- which he may find annoying- until she stops nagging and complaining and then he gets complacent and thinks everything is just fine- except the reason she's no longer saying anything is because she has decided on an exit strategy.

 

There's countless articles, books, websites, etc about "love points and love banks" and little and big things each partner can do to build and prosper in a relationship. Too many people just get comfortable and figure they don't have to do any of the hard lifting until it's just a little bit too late at which point they're like "I know I messed up, I'll change!". Forget it. But at least they acknowledge their part in all of it. In your case you seem to be putting it squarely on her and that won't help you the next time around.

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TeddyPSmith

This happened to me and its so crappy. You take their reasons to heart and blame yourself. Some of her excuses were:

 

 

Her: You want a woman from the 1950s

Me: I do all the cooking, cleaning, and entertaining. Ive never been more submissive.

Her: Yeah it was like role reversal

 

 

Her: I want someone that wants to go on family vacations

- I just invited her to Disney, took her to New England and Dallas, and had other trips planned.

 

 

Her: we just weren't compatible

- I tried to tell her that 2 years ago and she insisted that we were. I think she met someone new and pulled that out of her hat

 

 

It's hard to have respect for someone after they do that.

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You know, that is a fairly common scenario, I'm afraid. Excuses, deflecting blame, not being totally honest. I'm sorry. It does suck.

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David, I remember you from your previous post about the breakup.

 

Having a still born child is a tremendous loss and absolutely heart breaking for both of you. Your ex would still reeling from this loss and probably isn't functioning at her best. Nor is she capable of making the best decisions.

 

Same for you. To point out the obvious, you've just done a post about how she's making excuses without thinking to mention the terrible loss you both suffered together and how that was a significant catalyst for the breakup. I'm not criticising you - just pointing out that you're not thinking straight either. This is perfectly understandable.

 

Have you done grief counselling to help you through the loss of your child and also of your relationship?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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