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Girlfriend has asked for space


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I have been in a relationship with this girl for over 2 years. I honestly believe she is the love of my life, the feelings I have for her far surpass anything else I have ever felt.

 

As with any other relationship, we have had our fight and bad moments but we always worked it out and everything would be okay in just a few minutes or hours.

 

Now here's a bit about the dynamic of our relationship: we are 22 and we live with our respective parents but our houses are like 3 minutes away from one another so it's very easy to be together and we always saw this as a good thing.

We were together all the time, like pretty much any time we both had free time we would be together, either at her place or mine. When we were apart we would text pretty much all the time unless we were busy with something.

We shared everything together, and despite the fact that we spend tons of time together we would hardly ever feel bored, we always had something to talk about, something to laugh about, something to watch on the internet and we loved sleeping together.

 

Now, for the last few months things have been difficult for her. She has had the most pressure on her back she's ever had in her life and the more things to do too.

She's been working a tough internship job since March with some crazy schedules, she has been organizing a massive event in the town where we live.

The event happened 2 weekends ago and lasted 3 days and she had to stay there the whole day for those 3 days.

She has had to study for some exams to get into university, and she still has to write a report on her internship and on the event she organized.

 

This has obviously made her very stressed out and over the last few months I noticed that some times and some times we would fight about it but like I said, we would work it out pretty quickly.

 

Now onto the problem...

Last wednesday, we had probably our biggest fight ever and as a result of that she asked for some time apart, she was crying like I've never seen and she said she wanted some time.

I asked her why and she said "to work my things out" and I asked if she was thinking of breaking up and weather or not she still loved me and she said she didn't want to break up and she still loves me but she feels tired.

Then I asked her what would be the perfect outcome for this time out and she said "for me to have my head clear and stay together with you".

 

So yeah, that was it, what followed were 4 days of complete radio silence, something that had never ever happened with us, we didn't talk at all or saw each other.

It was very very hard for me, I barely left my bend and didn't eat the first day, I still think about her all the freaking time and I wish things were okay and I wish I was alongside her.

 

Yesterday I kinda hit a breaking point and texted her a speech on how much I love her and miss her and how I realized things I had done wrong and how I understood how she felt and I was ready to make a commitment to talk it over and work it out and improve ourselves.

She said she appreciated the text but she needed more time.

Then I asked if she had missed me or missed talking to me and she said " not too much... Because we were together all the time, you wouldn't give me time to miss you...".

Then I said in my opinion this complete radio silence wasn't the right thing and that I respected her need for space and if she doesn't wanna talk all the time I respect it but that we should keep in touch every now and then. She agreed.

Than we talked for a while about what we had done in those 4 days and how things were going and it was nice to finally talk to her and I think the conversation was good.

Then she said she wanted to rest because she had worked almost one whole day with no sleep and I said okay and was letting her know she could go but she still kept the conversation going for a while.

We talked about meeting for a cup of coffee one of these days too!

Then finally she went to sleep and I told her that she could text me anytime she wanted and that was it. I haven't heard from her since then. I suspect she slept all through the night but she's probably been up for some time now and hasnt said anything and I feel sad about it but I'm not bothering her.

 

It's been tough for me and I'm afraid that she will leave or of she's having doubts or if we get back together she wants our relationship to change and I might fail at that. I've been missing her like crazy, I keep thinking about how last week we were together a lot of time too and things seemed fine and even on the day of the fight we had spent the whole day together and it was all fine.

We have the same tastes, we want the same things for our future, I love her with my heart body and soul and this is tough but if it's what it takes to make her better and make us better I will get through it.

 

I know this is a huge walk of text but now that I have explained the situation I have my questions to you:

Do you think this time out means what she said or that maybe she is thinking of breaking up?

Do you agree that all the time we spent together is unhealthy for our relationship?

Should I text her and contact her even if she doesn't?

Do you think she is gonna want a lot more time or maybe just one more week?

Was I being too "annoying" or smothering by wanting to be together all the time?

What can I do to respect her need for space while keeping it clear that I love her wholeheartedly and I'm ready to get back to normal at any time?

 

Anymore input would be greatly appreciated, share your stories similar to this, anything at all really. I'm sorry about the huge post but I had all this built up and I also feel like I need advice and I found this forum.

 

Thank you all so much.

Edited by imiss
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Do you think this time out means what she said or that maybe she is thinking of breaking up?

 

Breaking up is likely something that has crossed her mind. She's probably not sure what she wants right now, except space. Fights are never good in a relationship. Avoid fighting with her wherever possible. Always be patient and gentle, even when you have to stand firm on your values.

 

Do you agree that all the time we spent together is unhealthy for our relationship?

 

It's healthy to spend time apart occasionally. Otherwise you can become codependent and gradually lose your own identities to a large extent.

 

 

Should I text her and contact her even if she doesn't?

 

No, let her be. She has been very clear. She needs space, she needs time to miss you, she even said that. You are smothering her.

 

Do you think she is gonna want a lot more time or maybe just one more week?

 

It might be a few days, or it might be forever, there is no way to easily tell

 

Was I being too "annoying" or smothering by wanting to be together all the time?

 

Yes, it certainly sounds like that to me

 

What can I do to respect her need for space while keeping it clear that I love her wholeheartedly and I'm ready to get back to normal at any time?

 

She already knows you want her back. Leave her alone now. Respect what she wants.

Edited by fredflint
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GorillaTheater

The best thing to do whenever someone asks for space is to give them a veritable universe of it.

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PegNosePete
Do you think this time out means what she said or that maybe she is thinking of breaking up?

She is certainly thinking of breaking up. Someone who wants to remain in a relationship does not act as she is doing.

 

Do you agree that all the time we spent together is unhealthy for our relationship?

Whilst there's nothing wrong with having lots of time together, it can be unhealthy to not have any solo time. But it does sound as though you had solo time as well, as you mention in your first paragraph you would text unless you were busy with something.

 

Should I text her and contact her even if she doesn't?

At this point I don't think it would achieve anything, except annoy her.

 

Do you think she is gonna want a lot more time or maybe just one more week?

Yeah, chances are this will turn into a break up.

 

Was I being too "annoying" or smothering by wanting to be together all the time?

This is totally subjective. Some people like lots of time and attention together, some don't. Most people are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

 

What can I do to respect her need for space while keeping it clear that I love her wholeheartedly and I'm ready to get back to normal at any time?

She knows already, you've told her. There's nothing you can do but wait for now. Personally I would probably give it a week, and if you haven't heard from her then tell her you need to know what's going on.

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It's what I have been trying my hardest to do. Give her space and when we do talk be nice. I just really want this to work out well for us...

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frigginlost

Firstly, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's tough and it outright sucks, but we've all been there.

 

I wish there was an easy way to say this, but in my 50 some-odd years on this planet, "wanting space" is the death nail to a relationship. No matter who says it. Considering she has been completely up front with you regarding giving her time to miss you, I would do just that; become a ghost. Sadly, that's your only hope here. You're both pretty young, and just now trying to figure out what life holds in store for you both. Tightrope walking a relationship at your age has a very bad conclusion unless you're both on the same page. Sadly, I think she is positioning herself to cut the cord.

 

I feel for ya, but you have to do what is right for you now.

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Do you think this time out means what she said or that maybe she is thinking of breaking up?

 

When one wants to end a relationship, they're likely juggling with the idea long before the ending ever happens and usually when one wants space, they're certainly thinking about it.

 

You both are 22 -- she's changing emotionally and mentally and these young relationships don't usually have longevity. If she comes to a point where she wants to end it, while it will hurt for awhile, life will go on and you will be on your way to experiencing other love opportunities in the decades of your lifetime.

 

Do you agree that all the time we spent together is unhealthy for our relationship?

 

There should be a healthy balance between your time together along with nurturing your own independence. The need to latch on usually stems from being insecure and dependence.

 

Should I text her and contact her even if she doesn't?

 

She has asked for space and time, respect her request. Contacting her only shows your are still needy and requiring her constant attention.

 

Do you think she is gonna want a lot more time or maybe just one more week?

 

No one knows but if she goes silent for more than a couple of weeks, then that would be unfair to you. She has no right to keep you sitting on the sidelines on her timeline. By then I would ask her how she would like to move forward.

 

Was I being too "annoying" or smothering by wanting to be together all the time?

 

Wanting to be together all the time is a turn-off. It can cause a partner to feel suffocated and that will start to build resentment.

 

What can I do to respect her need for space while keeping it clear that I love her wholeheartedly and I'm ready to get back to normal at any time?

 

She knows you love her and you want to be together. There is no need to keep it clear. For now, focus this time on yourself.

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Do you think this time out means what she said or that maybe she is thinking of breaking up?

 

I think it's a little of both

 

 

 

Do you agree that all the time we spent together is unhealthy for our relationship?

 

Yes. Adults have responsibilities -- school, her internship, this town event You can't spend all day hanging out with or texting your SO.

 

 

 

Should I text her and contact her even if she doesn't?

 

Absolutely NOT!

 

 

Leave her be for a while. Let her finish the paper & her exams. You can make her an exam survival kit: some highlighters, a few blue books, some aspirin, some snacks for energy, her favorite caffeinated drinks & a funny eraser Include a quick note that says something like

 

Knock 'em dead on you're exams. You will always be brilliant in my book. Let's talk when your semester's over. Love, imiss

 

 

 

Do you think she is gonna want a lot more time or maybe just one more week?

 

 

She's going to need some time to think after the pressure of exams are over. She may just be going through a rough patch while she's juggling too much. When you are a distraction & hinderance rather than a source of support, you are a negative. When you make her life easier by not being so demanding, you are a positive.

 

 

Given her age & this stage of your relationship . . 2 years with her looking toward the next stage of her life -- graduation & a job . . . your relationship may have run it's course for her. Many relationships do not survive the transitions high school to college & college to the real world. There isn't really much you can do to change her mind.

 

 

 

Was I being too "annoying" or smothering by wanting to be together all the time?

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

If you learning nothing else from this experience know that you were absolutely being smothering & stop doing it.

 

 

 

What can I do to respect her need for space while keeping it clear that I love her wholeheartedly and I'm ready to get back to normal at any time?

 

Send the study box. After exams are over send flowers & ask to talk. You do more listening then talking. Agree to dial back your neediness. The harder you hand on the worse this will get.

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Without getting into depth, because I think you are drowning already, you need to give her space. Not because she needs it but because you do. And your relationship does. If you tell her how much she means to you - while you feel you are being nice, you are actually most likely becoming less attractive in her eyes.

 

It is far better to take a break, not contact her often for a couple of weeks, and let her miss you. And yes, miss her too. If she doesn't miss you, anything you do now won't help anyway...it will drive her away. If you let her miss you, then perhaps she will want you back. And if that happens, the contrast between her break (when she missed you) and then (when she has you back an is presumably happy) will make things better in the long run.

 

But I also have to say, you're only 22. That doesn't mean that the love isn't real. It does mean, however, that you are both still in the process of becoming a fully formed adult and you both may want different things in the long run than you do now or that you did a few years ago.

 

Good luck

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bathtub-row

She’s growing up, trying to discover who she is, and she feels smothered by you. That’s a hard truth but there it is. If you want to lose her completely, then keep bugging her. It appears the two of you are definitely not on the same page so even if you do get back together, she’s going to want things to be very different and I’m not sure you can do that.

 

The thing about constant togetherness is that you don’t get a chance to spread your wings and experience new things. You’re both way too young to be solely focused on one another. My advice to you would be to get out, make friends, establish a life outside her because she needs to see you (not hear it or read it in a text) that you’re growing the same way she is.

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It is a breakup. Her life has changed, and doesn't have room or the time for a relationship. She's too busy focusing on her career, and planning her future.

 

 

 

She has out grown you.

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You're smothering her by being so high maintenance and clinging to her like a toddler to its mother. As a grown man, you should be able to manage yourself for at least a couple of days at a time without depending on her.

 

Yes, she's going to want things to change, because she now realizes this smothering 24/7 obligation to feed you isn't going to work with real life, isn't working now and won't work in the workaday world OR if you have kids. Then it will be the kids are top priority and you are off sulking because you don't have her full attention.

 

She wants you to be a self-sufficient man who isn't leaning on her to buoy himself up, who can be happy doing independent things, who has some separate interests, whose only hobby isn't sticking to her.

 

She's tolerated it far longer than most would.

 

I know for sure you are both immature or you wouldn't be still living with your parents. But she's maturing now, taking on responsibilities and expanding her world. And you're just at home waiting for her by the sound of it. Whatever you're doing, whether it's going to school or working, you aren't doing enough of it. This is a good time for you to take a part-time job if you're in school or get a second small job if you're working and save up and get out of your gf's hair so she can take care of her business. Stop contacting her until she gives you the okay.

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The best thing to do whenever someone asks for space is to give them a veritable universe of it.

 

This.

Sorry dude but it's over.

Someone who loves you isn't going to risk you ending up with another women by saying she wants "space" because she knows a quality man with options would never tolerate that type of nonsense.

 

Also "space" = I want to try someone new out guilt free.

do yourself a favor and just go no contact.

delete her from your life and block her.

If she shows up at your door you tell her you can no longer talk to her because you need to move on and if she gave a crap about you she would just leave you alone.

then stick to it like a man.

don't sit around hoping for someone who is most likely going to be sleeping with someone else soon will come back.

Edited by phineas
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When I have said that no I don't want to break up but I have also said 'give me a chance to miss you' then I 100% mean precisely what I am saying.

 

I can't do with my man being all up in my face all the time examples of which are:

Texting all day and night (including sending more than one text before waiting for a reply and also sending texts saying 'where are you, what are you doing? all the time. One man I dated would text me from the moment he woke around 5am until the moment he went to sleep around midnight and when he assumed I had finished work I would be bombarded with 2-5 texts. There was no consideration at all for what time I actually 'did' finish work or that I might need to work late or get myself home (safely without walking along with my phone out and texting him), run errands or even eat food or cook it or clean up afterwards.

Calling all day and night

'Needing' to see me at any point in time when I have some time that is free from work.

 

He could be a great guy but even so, just because I don't work a 24 hour day doesn't mean 100% of my free time should be his. If that happens I lose my personality, time with hi becomes an obligation instead of fun and I fall right out of love/lust or whatever it was I had been feeling.

 

She has responsibilities, she has told you, warned you about these. She has been considerate toward you.

Let her get on with them for goodness sake!

Prove you can look after your own happiness and are strong enough to not need her all of the time.

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Lotsgoingon

This is painful ... and I've been there ... I agree that you're smothering her ...

 

You asking her in that phone call whether she missed you ... dude, that was such a blatantly, astonishingly needy question. She told you she needed a break. Therefore, no, she does not miss you. She's exhausted being around you.

 

That's what she's telling you ... and you still didn't give her any room, you were all over her during that conversation, asking all kinds of detailed needy questions. You proved her exact point in that conversation.

 

You're working way too hard ... and you're too into her. Most likely suppressing your own individuality and your own opinions ... So she's NOT dating another individual ... she's dating someone who is obsessed with her and her life ...

 

Ironically, there were probably arguments you needed to have or should have had ... had you not been so into her and so afraid of conflict and separation from her ... and those arguments would have been good for you guys ... helping you guys establish your own individuality and individual needs in the relationship.

 

People actually don't want to date someone who is too focus and obsessed with them. Instead, people wanna date someone who has a full blast of a life without them around.

 

What hobbies do you have? ... What fun do you engage in outside of her? ... What goals are you reaching for? Why aren't those a bigger focus ... with her coming in as an addition to your life--as opposed to the focus of your life?

 

Time to get a full life outside of her. That's what creates attraction. Don't worry, I've done this, I've suffocated people I've dated ... probably everybody on this board has to learn this painful lesson at some point.

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Oh my, just give her the space.. If you can't just say goodbye and move on.. My friend there is nothing you can do about this. She told you what she wants if you don't want to do it or listen then let her go..

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