You never completely move on, but it does get better

[capsicumspray]

A year ago, I screwed over a girl, and she walked away. Moving on is hard. I see so many people here who are hurting from a breakup and I can imagine just how much it hurts right now.

 

Feel free to read what I did, and I do deserve the consequences. However, there are a lot of things I've learnt over the past year that I hope will help people here get better.

 

1) The feelings don't go away, you learn to live with it

 

For the first 6 months post breakup, my mental state was a mess. My emotional state alternated between extreme longing of her, to extreme jealousy. Sometimes I'd even get angry at her even though none of it was her fault.

 

I've done everything by the book on how to move on. I fixed my life (I now have a startup that's making the world a little bit better of a place). I lost >20 lbs. I brushed up on dating and ended up with some amazing people.

 

And yet no matter how great things are, my mind wanders to her every single day. Some days its better. Other times it's worse.

 

On the good days, things are going so well, my mind drifts to how proud she'd be of me for what I've achieved. On bad days, like comfort food, I dream of holding her in my arms and feeling that warmth and energy.

 

Regardless of the good and the bad, after a while you gradually become desensitized to it. The thoughts are still there, but it doesn't automatically trigger and episode of intense pain and misery. Especially coupled with mindfulness (read below), you can manage it quite well.

 

Having said that, every now and then, something about them would pop up in your life, and all your self control, all your systems in place come crashing down. These happen to everyone. It sucks, but just let the pain run its course. It should happen less and less with time, and hopefully at some point it just stops.

 

2) Not letting go fully holds you back

 

I held on to this recurring delusion that if I changed any one thing, like a magical text or perfectly placed fb post/picture I could change her perceptions of me and I'd get another shot.

 

That's not how things work. Any of the many many "get your ex back" guides will tell you that. And yes, I did read every single one of them. And yes, I did formulate a plan.

 

But you know what? The moment I really got better was the moment it was finally over. After our breakup, we moved apart and talked less and less for a month. Eventually she just stopped replying and told me flat out "I don't want anything do with you. You are embarassing and I don't have feelings for you now, and I will never have them again. The only reason I didn't delete you is because I don't care. Now I will".

 

That moment sucked like watching your dreams burn in flames. But it's also a turning point. Without that fantasy of hope, it really cleared things up for me. Managing because much easier. Unless in very rare examples, I stopped seeing any of her on my feeds and without the trigger, I could focus on other things in life.

 

I know a lot of people here still wish they can make things right, I know I did. But realize that so long as you cling on to hope, that in a way prevents you from moving on.

 

3) Meditation and mindfullness does help

 

Eventually after the initial painful phase where everything is a mess, you'll realize specific things, states, or events trigger the longings.

 

For me, it was both the highs and lows that made me long for her. When my startup signed up a huge client, she was the first person I wanted to call. I didn't. But oh how I wished I could just tell her how great it was and how she's such an inspiration etc. On the lows, like when I spent 20 hours fixing an issue mindlessly, she is like comfort food. The perfect angel who can cure any ailment.

 

Both of these leads to bad things (aka, I stalk her on fb/ig) and seeing a photo of her happy is often enough to crush my feelings and make me feel like I'm back to square 1.

 

Instead I've tried meditation where when recognize the steps that lead to the emotional state and when it starts, you either let it run its course without further inflaming it, or you shift your focus until you've calmed down.

 

It takes a while and lots of effort to be able to calm yourself down as needed, but it's worth it because it's sooo beneficial to other parts of your life. Being in control of your mental state, and aware of the moment is really they key to being happy and finding happiness.

 

4) NC / Get your Ex Back Programs don't get your ex back, but they do make you a better and happier person

 

NC as everyone will tell you, is more about getting yourself back in order. But a lot of people see it as part of a "get your ex back" strategy. I know I did.

 

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But what is awesome about these programs and NC, is that it pushes the focus on YOU. I started doing everything I wanted to do in life (climbed to everest base camp, rode a bicycle around Japan, started my own company, etc).

 

You probably won't get your ex back. But that's ok, because the steps you've taken make you a much happier and fulfilled person.

 

5) Other things

 

I found out at some point, living in a certain city where we shared memories made things hard since there are so many triggers. it's not possible for everyone, but moving house or at least to a different area really helps with the fresh start.

 

Forgiveness meditation helps you a lot. I screwed over my ex so forgiving myself and her and everything else does change your outlook from a negative downwards spiral to something looking upwards.

 

6) Conclusion

 

We're all on this forum because at some point, it hurt so much we just needed a place and people who could understand us and get what we're going through.

 

For the people who are newly here, we get what you're going through. It sucks, but it does get better and you will be a happier and better person as a result. It's hard to imagine now, with all the swirling emotions and jabbing pains in the heart, but it will get better and the sooner you start taking control of yourself, the sooner and better it will be.

 

Lots and lots and lots of love,

CapsicumSpray

 

PS. I am no doctor. this is all my story and my opinion. I hope I'm right, but I could well be wrong, so do take things with a pinch of salt.

[TeddyPSmith]

Man what a great post. Just what I needed to see right now. Thanks for taking the time to come back and update us. I wish more people would do that.

 

I hope you continue your path of healing.

[preraph]

That really as a great post. I would just add to it "Get a couple of rescue dogs" and you'll have daily joy and never be lonely again and see what it's like when something loves you unconditionally.

 

You'll find the right person one day, I bet, and her memory will fade. If not, you've done the work and know how to be on your own like me and will be fine. Best of luck and thanks for the good post.

[capsicumspray]

That really as a great post. I would just add to it "Get a couple of rescue dogs" and you'll have daily joy and never be lonely again and see what it's like when something loves you unconditionally.

 

You'll find the right person one day, I bet, and her memory will fade. If not, you've done the work and know how to be on your own like me and will be fine. Best of luck and thanks for the good post.

 

The dog part is soo true. I got 2 litter runts from my local shelter. Still not exactly sure what their genetics are but damn are they awesome.

 

To everyone reading - GET A DOG

[Lotsgoingon]

Some people simply take longer to move past a relationship than other people take.

 

And if that person gives us an experience of connection and love beyond what we've had before ... that can take quite a while (for some people) to let go of ...