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Girl completely changed, need guidance


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Musicman123

Hey everyone, new member here needing some guidance,

 

Some background information

 

I met this girl on Tinder and we both hit it off immediately. We were super into eachother, texting eachother non stop and calling eachother basically every day. Within a month we were spending multiple nights a week at eachothers place. I had done the online dating thing before but this is the first time I had absolutely fallen for somebody. When we were apart we would constantly say how much we missed eachother.

 

Now the way our schedules worked made it tricky to see eachother but we typically made it work at least a couple times a week. For all intents purposes this felt like something real, and this is coming from someone who had been in 2 long term relationships.

 

I had gotten a few indicators from her that she needed her own time to do her own stuff as she was super busy and liked that part of being single. Originally we had talked about me coming to visit her in Europe this summer for a bit when she was there, but she got a bit nervous when it came to buying tickets. This was only after a month of dating so I told her I understood and she told me not to let it change how I felt about her.

 

We also had a conversation about what "we" were and she said she didn't want to use labels as her friends and family might think she was acting impulsively seeing as how her last relationship only ended 6 months before we met. I left it at that until a month later when she said she saw us as the opposite of a fling which didn't impress me but I could understand.

 

Of course behind all of this we are still texting eachother and calling eachother non stop and talking about future plans and spending the night at eachothers places all of the time.

 

So here's where it gets interesting

 

I was heading home to visit family for a week over Easter and before I leave she introduces me to her parents, it all seems to go fine, and I take this is a sign she is finally inviting me into her life. So I head home for the week and all is good, we're texting and calling until 1 day it starts to slow down quite a bit. I'm not getting good morning texts anymore even though I notice she's been active on Facebook, and we aren't texting as much during the day.

 

I played it cool for a few days until it really got to me and so I send her a text saying that it felt like I was getting some mixed signals from her. She kind of ignores this until the next morning when we talk about it and we have this really unpleasant text conversation where she says I freaked out on her and that she feels like we're in different places, and that meeting her parents wasn't a big deal. She says she feels we're at a great place for 2 months of dating but thinks I may be farther along than her. I tell her i agree and apologise for making a big deal of things but at this point I'm on high alert and my anxiety is through the roof.

 

So from this point on the texting slows down quite a bit. When I get home we go on this 4 day trip together to her cabin and have quite a bit of fun, but I can tell she's pulled back more than before. We didn't have sex as much, she's more quiet, and a little more irritable, which paired with my anxiety being raised is not good. All in all we have a nice trip though.

 

When we get home she has a couple of busy days where we don't talk much but we make plans to hang out before she leaves town for the weekend for a show (we're both musicians). She's all business that day as she told me she would be busy getting ready. Doesn't want to cuddle, doesn't want sex, etc. So I ask her if everything is okay and she says yes.

 

While she is gone that weekend we talk a few times on the phone but she is definitely being distant. I was going to pick her up when she got into town and she changes plans last minute but said she would still "stop by" my place. At this point I knew it was over and of course that Sunday she came over, walked in and ended it.

 

She told me it wasn't working for her anymore and had begun to feel differently and didn't know why. She didn't really have a lot of answers. I got a text from her the next evening saying she had a good talk/cry with her mother and she doesn't know if she's afraid of getting into a new relationship, afraid of me getting in the way of her career, or if something is just not truly there. We talked briefly on the phone a week later and she could really only say that it wasn't the right time for her to be in a relationship.

 

 

So it's been about 2 months (almost as long as we dated) and I'm still completely gutted. The first month was scattered contact (2 or 3 times) and the last month has been no contact. I wrote her a letter at the end of the 2nd month just to get how I felt about the whole situation off my chest, but havent heard back or am sure if she's even read it.

 

I'm really not sure what to do here, I'm still completely gutted. I had been in a 5 year relationship which ended quite badly, and have dated quite a bit since then over 2 years. This was the first time since then that I had been with someone where the mutual feelings were this strong. We were absolutely crazy about eachother and then she just did a complete 180.

 

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated....Thanks.

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So, with the five year situation, how long did it take until you felt ready to date again?

 

Women change their minds. Even when they're married. Mating isn't rational. We can't read minds so this often comes as a shock. Have you always been the steady, deliberate, always there kinda guy? If yes, they're not you. Haven't met one yet in life like that, wife, friend or lover. That's OK. Once you learn to accept it, life gets easier.

 

You had a good two months. I'll bet, mostly, you had a good five years. Impressive. It'll happen again. If you're lucky, one will be holding your hand at the end when the abyss beckons.

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Musicman123

After my 5 year relationship i dated sporadically for 2 years. But this was the first time in 2 years that I had felt ready to fully commit to someone else.

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To me it seems she was telling you all along that commitment wasn’t on the horizon for her. I understand how meeting her parents may have confused you but even then she said it was no big deal to her. I believe she realized you were more into it than she was and thought best to end things. Also, at just 6 months out of a relationship who knows where she was at in her healing process.

 

I’m not familiar with tinder but do people reveal what their purpose is? I was under the impression tinder was not an “I’m looking for a serious relationship” site? My only suggestion is to keep plowing thru the hurt, you will get over it. Also, if you are the type to attach quickly pay attention to words AND actions and get out early if the two aren’t synchronized. Sorry for your pain.

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After my 5 year relationship i dated sporadically for 2 years. But this was the first time in 2 years that I had felt ready to fully commit to someone else.

 

Oh, forgot to welcome you to LS. Welcome!

 

My question was more how long it took you to recover from the loss of that five year relationship. How long did it take in solo/rebound time to feel ready to socialize with women again? Did you ever stop dating after that relationship or did you immediately start up with new prospects? As example, in this case you say it's been two months and you feel 'gutted'. Just hanging out with the guys and doing your own thing right now or??

 

The ready to commit thing is timing. You were, she wasn't. Timing was off. I got this a lot in my prior life when I'd run across someone, we'd hit it off, instant rapport and attraction but one or both of us was married. Bad timing. Happens.

 

IME, likely with a different generation from yours, when a woman pulls a 180 or sours the milk on an otherwise positive relationship, especially one where she indicates the intimacy/sex is satisfying, there's usually a BBD in play. Bigger, better, deal. Another male who possesses more of what she seeks.

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Musicman123
To me it seems she was telling you all along that commitment wasn’t on the horizon for her. I understand how meeting her parents may have confused you but even then she said it was no big deal to her. I believe she realized you were more into it than she was and thought best to end things. Also, at just 6 months out of a relationship who knows where she was at in her healing process.

 

I’m not familiar with tinder but do people reveal what their purpose is? I was under the impression tinder was not an “I’m looking for a serious relationship” site? My only suggestion is to keep plowing thru the hurt, you will get over it. Also, if you are the type to attach quickly pay attention to words AND actions and get out early if the two aren’t synchronized. Sorry for your pain.

 

Yeah I get that she might not have been far out of the healing process as I had been there before and knew the feeling. That being said she definitley wanted to keep it exclusive and was pushing things along at a pretty firm until one day it was like she hit a wall.

 

I'm not sure how someone goes from being absolutely obsessed to completely cold when no fight or anything even occured.

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Musicman123
Oh, forgot to welcome you to LS. Welcome!

 

My question was more how long it took you to recover from the loss of that five year relationship. How long did it take in solo/rebound time to feel ready to socialize with women again? Did you ever stop dating after that relationship or did you immediately start up with new prospects? As example, in this case you say it's been two months and you feel 'gutted'. Just hanging out with the guys and doing your own thing right now or??

 

The ready to commit thing is timing. You were, she wasn't. Timing was off. I got this a lot in my prior life when I'd run across someone, we'd hit it off, instant rapport and attraction but one or both of us was married. Bad timing. Happens.

 

IME, likely with a different generation from yours, when a woman pulls a 180 or sours the milk on an otherwise positive relationship, especially one where she indicates the intimacy/sex is satisfying, there's usually a BBD in play. Bigger, better, deal. Another male who possesses more of what she seeks.

 

 

I started dating after 2 months of my 5 year. Definitley wasn't ready for anything but I also came out a relationship where i had been cheated on and lied to a lot and was ready to just get back out there.

 

It's hard to say but I don't think a bdd was in the picture here. I mean it's always a possibility, but just with what was going on in her life at the moment and how little time she would have had to start something paired with the fact that she'll be away for 2 months this summer. Unlikely but possibly I guess.

 

Well I've recently relocated to a new city so getting out to hang out with people has been challenging as my social circle here is still quite small. But I think what hurts the most is that this was the first time in 2 years I felt absolutely certain about something and it fell apart so quickly with almost no warning. I'm 27 now and the thought of having to date again for another 2 years til someone comes along who I'm crazy about scares the hell out of me.

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Its when the mixed signals come, that its time to back away. You don't ask a woman if everything is ok, you tell her that she can give you a shout if she feels the same way as you do about her. Then you disappear, total NC. She may come back to you wanting to make a serious commitment, but in my experience they tend to do exactly the same thing again. I just keep such a woman for friendship and fun while I'm single, but the only way to do that is to look out for signs of their inability to commit in the early stages.

 

She was also being rude to you, why are you tolerating this? You tell her that you don't tolerate that sort of bad communication in your life, and will not be responding unless she speaks to you in a respectful way.

 

Your going to meet meany people like this, many women when it comes to dating. Until you start standing up to it, that's all your going to get!

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Musicman123

Yeah unfortunately by the time I decided to ask the web for advice it was a little to late and me giving her some space didn't seem to have much effect other than make it easier for her.

 

I sent her the first text I had in over a month yesterday and kept it fairly light, and calmly asked if she had got the letter I sent. She said she hasn't. She's also moving from her old place in a week and then is off to Europe for 2 months over the summer.

 

I'm honestly not sure how to approach this? Do I resend the letter? I've given her a ton of space and she still seems not receptive but honestly it seems pretty odd given how close we became so quickly that she would seemingly have no interest in me. I mean, I've dated women for similar periods of time where we both just knew nothing was happening and that was fine. Never met any of their family members, didn't really talk about the future. But with this girl none of that was true, until she basically did a 180 in the span of a week. She even used to tell me things like she's never texted someone this much and the intimacy has never been this intense before which for 2 people who had done the whole long term relationship thing I thought was pretty remarkable.

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CantTakeMySmile

To me, it sounds like she was giving mixed signals for a long time, and her communication was definitely not up to what you needed in a real relationship.

 

 

What does the letter say? I can't imagine there is something in the letter that will "change" her mind. Is that the end game here?

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Musicman123

Well the letter just basically outlines my thoughts and feelings surrounding all that's happened. I wouldn't say it's a letter begging to reconcile, but it sums up my confusion over the whole thing given the fact that we haven't really talked about it.

 

I'm really at a loss for how I'm feeling here...Ive never had someone who was completely in to me and talking about the future do a complete 180 without ever even really having an argument.

 

I mean I've ended things with people after a few months but that has only been after we both knew things weren't headed in the right direction and had had conversations about what we were feeling.

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Again, words and actions/behaviors were inconsistent. That was a significant red flag. You’re hanging on to “the good times“ which understandably has you confused. I do understand that you feel like the rug has been ripped out from beneath your feet.

 

I’m not trying to be mean, but i don’t interpret this as a 180 because her actions and words, meaning her actions of committing to you, taking trips with you etc. etc., we’re never synchronized. She said x, y, z but wouldn’t commit. You met her family - big deal to you and perhaps most people here but to her it was no big deal...her own words. She was never all in and while she could have handled the ending better, it seems these rebound type scenarios frequently leave the dumpee dazed and confused. Rebounders hit the ground running and leave just as quickly.

 

That’s my two cents and now I will leave your thread alone because I’m afraid I don’t have much else to offer. I will say though, that I would not send that letter again if I were you. Just give yourself time and distance from her and you will get past this. I wish you the best.

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Yeah unfortunately by the time I decided to ask the web for advice it was a little to late and me giving her some space didn't seem to have much effect other than make it easier for her.

 

I sent her the first text I had in over a month yesterday and kept it fairly light, and calmly asked if she had got the letter I sent. She said she hasn't. She's also moving from her old place in a week and then is off to Europe for 2 months over the summer.

 

I'm honestly not sure how to approach this? Do I resend the letter? I've given her a ton of space and she still seems not receptive but honestly it seems pretty odd given how close we became so quickly that she would seemingly have no interest in me. I mean, I've dated women for similar periods of time where we both just knew nothing was happening and that was fine. Never met any of their family members, didn't really talk about the future. But with this girl none of that was true, until she basically did a 180 in the span of a week. She even used to tell me things like she's never texted someone this much and the intimacy has never been this intense before which for 2 people who had done the whole long term relationship thing I thought was pretty remarkable.

 

 

Unless she said please, please send the letter again and I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you, there is no reason to pursue this woman.

 

The 180 is something that happens unfortunately, the first signs are usually when the communication dwindles and gets cooler. Don't be concerned about what she said in the past, look at her actions in the now.

 

She's practically ignoring you and is about to go away. End any connection with her and move on, this is the absolute best way.

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dude I felt this exact same way about a girl is started dating forn3 mths I called it off. it was a combination of things that I think are the same possibly as this girl. not ready, I wasn't all the way into her and liked my space as well. I think she's where I was sorry to say sometimes it's just not a mutual thing and it can change after a few mths

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Musicman123

I guess my only concern is that it was never really a compatibility issue and just a large misunderstanding. I mean we never fought once and everything was really good up until I said I was getting mixed signals. Was I over reacting by bringing this up? She seemed to think I was freaking out at her, which I could see this being interpreted via text but I fully explained myself and apologised.

 

I mean let's look at the facts

 

- Were spending 3 to 4 nights a week together, calling every day

- Were making some future plans

-Met her parents

-Called it a relationship on multiple occasions

 

-Didnt want to be official yet by about 2.5 months, said we were the "opposite of a fling"

-Seemed hesitant about me coming to visit her in Europe

--Texting started to slow down out of nowhere, which is when I spoke up

 

Was I right for asking about mixed signals? Did I overreact and scare this girl off? I was going with my gut but that doesn't mean I was right.

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Musicman123

I guess my only concern is that it was never really a compatibility issue and just a large misunderstanding. I mean we never fought once and everything was really good up until I said I was getting mixed signals. Was I over reacting by bringing this up? She seemed to think I was freaking out at her, which I could see this being interpreted via text but I fully explained myself and apologised.

 

I mean let's look at the facts

 

- Were spending 3 to 4 nights a week together, calling every day

- Were making some future plans

-Met her parents

-Called it a relationship on multiple occasions

 

-Didnt want to be official yet by about 2.5 months, said we were the "opposite of a fling"

-Seemed hesitant about me coming to visit her in Europe

--Texting started to slow down out of nowhere, which is when I spoke up

 

Was I right for asking about mixed signals? Did I overreact and scare this girl off? I was going with my gut but that doesn't mean I was right.

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I guess my only concern is that it was never really a compatibility issue and just a large misunderstanding. I mean we never fought once and everything was really good up until I said I was getting mixed signals. Was I over reacting by bringing this up? She seemed to think I was freaking out at her, which I could see this being interpreted via text but I fully explained myself and apologised.

 

I mean let's look at the facts

 

- Were spending 3 to 4 nights a week together, calling every day

- Were making some future plans

-Met her parents

-Called it a relationship on multiple occasions

 

-Didnt want to be official yet by about 2.5 months, said we were the "opposite of a fling"

-Seemed hesitant about me coming to visit her in Europe

--Texting started to slow down out of nowhere, which is when I spoke up

 

Was I right for asking about mixed signals? Did I overreact and scare this girl off? I was going with my gut but that doesn't mean I was right.

 

I think you were already told this, but... Dude, she meet someone that she likes better. That is all.

 

Yeah, she was a jerk in how she did it, but those are the breaks. The reason that you got mixed signals is that she was cheating.

 

Women do this stuff all the time, men too I guess.

 

Just move on with another one...

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Musicman123

I mean that's definitley a possibility, but given the circumstances and timing I'm pretty sure that's not what's been going on. I've also been through a cheating scenario and I'm pretty good at picking up those signs. I don't think it's a one size fits all sort of scenario.

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I mean that's definitley a possibility, but given the circumstances and timing I'm pretty sure that's not what's been going on. I've also been through a cheating scenario and I'm pretty good at picking up those signs. I don't think it's a one size fits all sort of scenario.

 

Yeah, and you would be wrong...

 

But here is the deal, why do you care? Are you one of those shoe gazers that thinks you can't find another girl, she is the only one?

 

I think you need to learn this now, if a woman does not want to be with you, then screw her. There are literally millions of women out there, and most of them will be even better.

 

If you are smart enough to read and write, take it from an older, wiser musician, let her go.

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