Unexpected Break after 3.5 Years

[Moos]

Hello everyone. Looking for some advice about an unexpected break I'm currently having with my Girlfriend/Ex-Girlfriend (I don't even know at this point). This has all happened completely out of the blue.

 

So a little bit of background...

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3.5 years now. We have a pretty solid relationship. It's had it's ups and downs but we always pulled through. We rarely argue and haven't done so for months. We are an active couple, always going out to bars, restaurants, the movies, to the gym together etc. I just got a new job which she was excited about and she had just started a new college course which she was excited about. Things were looking great for us.

 

We both work full-time and with her new college course, she has been working weekends a lot too. I only normally get to see her on weekends and with my new current job, I wouldn't see her on some weekends either, which we agreed was okay because we work better when we're not around each other 24/7 and she could use some weekends to study. We knew it would be hard, but we promised ourselves we would just make the most of the time we had together.

 

We have both been pretty stressed, me with training for my new job and her with her new weekend college course. I knew she was feeling the pressure a bit with her new course but we always worked it out.

 

Anyway long story short, on the run up to me officially starting my new job (after months of training), we had a few lovely weekends together. She even said around a month ago that she was feeling positive about the future for us. I had my last weekend free that I would have for a while before starting my new job and stayed at her place. Something didn't feel right. She was snappy at me the whole weekend and kept asking if I would be okay for her friends to come out with us etc. Now I'm not the controlling type, but because I knew that this would be the last weekend we'd have together for a while, I got a bit upset that she kept asking me if she could bring her friends out with us. My attitude was that when I start work, she will plenty of weekends to see her friends - I just wanted to make the most of the time we had together.

 

Anyway her friends did come and meet us, we had a few drinks and all seemed fine. The next morning, she was still snappy with me and I got annoyed. I just said I didn't understand why she was being like this and it wasn't fair. Packed up my stuff and just left without a goodbye or anything.

 

I didn't hear from her the entire day which was strange. I went out with my friends as she did with hers. Didn't think much of it, thought i'd let her cool down. I said I was ready to apologise but got no reply. The next morning she called me over the phone. This is what she said...

 

She said to me that she wanted to go on a break. She said that something didn't feel right in the relationship and that she needed some time to concentrate on herself. She said she has a lot of exciting things coming up (namely a festival with her friends that I can't go to because of work) and she wants to put her all into them. She said she felt like this wasn't the right time for us and the distance (we live around an hour away from each other) and not being able to see each other without planning things was putting too much pressure on her. I said to her we could work on it but she said she felt like all we do is work on the relationship. She said she wants to be single - and that if I moved on then that's my decision. I asked her what she meant by all of this, I asked her if she wanted me to wait around for her to decide if she wanted to be with me or not - the answer was basically yes.

 

I was completely shocked. She said she wasn't interested in anyone else, there is no one else and that she still loved me. I said to her that I didn't want to go on a break and that I loved her, but I was ready to start no contact. It has been 1 week with no contact so far and have not heard from her. I'm confused and unsure of where I stand. It says we are still in a relationship on FB, and I'm still in all of her profile pictures on social media. I'm not sure if we're broken up or we're just on a break until she decides what she wants.

 

Tbh I think doing this the day before I started my new job was cruel. It's not what I needed when I'm trying to focus on a new career and not being clear as to whether we are actually broken up or not is also a bit cruel. I want to know answers but I don't want to break no contact. What should I do?

Edited June 10, 2018 by Moos

[Marc878]

Hello everyone. Looking for some advice about an unexpected break I'm currently having with my Girlfriend/Ex-Girlfriend (I don't even know at this point). This has all happened completely out of the blue.

 

So a little bit of background...

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3.5 years now. We have a pretty solid relationship. It's had it's ups and downs but we always pulled through. We rarely argue and haven't done so for months. We are an active couple, always going out to bars, restaurants, the movies, to the gym together etc. I just got a new job which she was excited about and she had just started a new college course which she was excited about. Things were looking great for us.

 

We both work full-time and with her new college course, she has been working weekends a lot too. I only normally get to see her on weekends and with my new current job, I wouldn't see her on some weekends either, which we agreed was okay because we work better when we're not around each other 24/7 and she could use some weekends to study. We knew it would be hard, but we promised ourselves we would just make the most of the time we had together.

 

We have both been pretty stressed, me with training for my new job and her with her new weekend college course. I knew she was feeling the pressure a bit with her new course but we always worked it out.

 

Anyway long story short, on the run up to me officially starting my new job (after months of training), we had a few lovely weekends together. She even said around a month ago that she was feeling positive about the future for us. I had my last weekend free that I would have for a while before starting my new job and stayed at her place. Something didn't feel right. She was snappy at me the whole weekend and kept asking if I would be okay for her friends to come out with us etc. Now I'm not the controlling type, but because I knew that this would be the last weekend we'd have together for a while, I got a bit upset that she kept asking me if she could bring her friends out with us. My attitude was that when I start work, she will plenty of weekends to see her friends - I just wanted to make the most of the time we had together.

 

Anyway her friends did come and meet us, we had a few drinks and all seemed fine. The next morning, she was still snappy with me and I got annoyed. I just said I didn't understand why she was being like this and it wasn't fair. Packed up my stuff and just left without a goodbye or anything.

 

Something is amiss.

 

I didn't hear from her the entire day which was strange. I went out with my friends as she did with hers. Didn't think much of it, thought i'd let her cool down. I said I was ready to apologise but got no reply. The next morning she called me over the phone. This is what she said...

 

Apologize for what her behavior. Very weak move on your part.

 

She said to me that she wanted to go on a break. She said that something didn't feel right in the relationship and that she needed some time to concentrate on herself. She said she has a lot of exciting things coming up (namely a festival with her friends that I can't go to because of work) and she wants to put her all into them. She said she felt like this wasn't the right time for us and the distance (we live around an hour away from each other) and not being able to see each other without planning things was putting too much pressure on her. I said to her we could work on it but she said she felt like all we do is work on the relationship. She said she wants to be single - and that if I moved on then that's my decision. I asked her what she meant by all of this, I asked her if she wanted me to wait around for her to decide if she wanted to be with me or not - the answer was basically yes.

 

She's telling and showing you that she's moved on and you can wait if you want but.......

 

I was completely shocked. She said she wasn't interested in anyone else, there is no one else and that she still loved me. I said to her that I didn't want to go on a break and that I loved her, but I was ready to start no contact. It has been 1 week with no contact so far and have not heard from her. I'm confused and unsure of where I stand. It says we are still in a relationship on FB, and I'm still in all of her profile pictures on social media. I'm not sure if we're broken up or we're just on a break until she decides what she wants.

 

Probably a lie. Sounds like she's met someone new and wants a tryout with you out of the way

 

Tbh I think doing this the day before I started my new job was cruel. It's not what I needed when I'm trying to focus on a new career and not being clear as to whether we are actually broken up or not is also a bit cruel. I want to know answers but I don't want to break no contact. What should I do?

 

If you chase they always move farther away. Please don't write a stupid letter pouring your heart out. These things just make you look weak and unnattractive plus it'll lower your status.

 

She's not the only girl in the world man. If you're smart you stay nc. Most will make the mistake of pestering for answers, etc.

 

You can't make her do a thing. You have zero control over her. You do have control over you.

 

Move on like she has. I promise you this isn't the end of the world. You're young. Don't waste time on fruitless ventures. Relationships take two and she's not interested.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's actually been distancing herself for a little now. What you interpreted to be just a busy period was likely more than that. There is a big difference between not being around each other 24-7 and barely seeing each other at all. I don't doubt your schedules were putting a strain on the relationship, but something tells me that you were more concerned about it than she was.

 

Her snappy attitude was likely her subconsciously projecting her frustration about wanting out. When someone wants to break up, they sometimes start picking arguments as a way to put distance between themselves and their partner.

 

Whether she's met someone else or not is hard to say. Perhaps she has, but it's also possible that she has outgrown the relationship and doesn't feel the same way anymore. This is not unusual for younger people who aren't ready to settle down. How old are you both, for reference?

 

It doesn't appear as though this is a break, though. It sounds much more like she wants to break up but perhaps didn't have the courage to come out and tell you that.

[Moos]

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's actually been distancing herself for a little now. What you interpreted to be just a busy period was likely more than that. There is a big difference between not being around each other 24-7 and barely seeing each other at all. I don't doubt your schedules were putting a strain on the relationship, but something tells me that you were more concerned about it than she was.

 

Her snappy attitude was likely her subconsciously projecting her frustration about wanting out. When someone wants to break up, they sometimes start picking arguments as a way to put distance between themselves and their partner.

 

Whether she's met someone else or not is hard to say. Perhaps she has, but it's also possible that she has outgrown the relationship and doesn't feel the same way anymore. This is not unusual for younger people who aren't ready to settle down. How old are you both, for reference?

 

It doesn't appear as though this is a break, though. It sounds much more like she wants to break up but perhaps didn't have the courage to come out and tell you that.

 

For reference we are both 24 y/o. She did say talk of moving in etc. was too much - but we only spoke about it in a light-hearted way. It's always fun to talk about the future. I never thought she ever really took it seriously.

 

Yeah I think you're right. It was completely out of the blue and so sudden. I just didn't see any signs at all of this happening. The time we spent together recently before all of this had been amazing.

 

I'm preparing for the worst. She's gonna have to break NC eventually to tell me what's going on.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Moos

[ExpatInItaly]

For reference we are both 24 y/o. She did say talk of moving in etc. was too much - but we only spoke about it in a light-hearted way. It's always fun to talk about the future. I never thought she ever really took it seriously.

 

Yeah I think you're right. It was completely out of the blue and so sudden. I just didn't see any signs at all of this happening. The time we spent together recently before all of this had been amazing.

 

I'm preparing for the worst. She's gonna have to break NC eventually to tell me what's going on.

 

My guess is that a lot of this is related to your ages. She has been with you since she was 19 or 20, and wants to explore and see what else is out there. I don't necessarily mean just in terms of dating other guys, but she's not in any place to put down her roots yet.

 

I think with time, you will see more signs that she was pulling away from you and not as invested anymore.

[Marc878]

For reference we are both 24 y/o. She did say talk of moving in etc. was too much - but we only spoke about it in a light-hearted way. It's always fun to talk about the future. I never thought she ever really took it seriously.

 

Yeah I think you're right. It was completely out of the blue and so sudden. I just didn't see any signs at all of this happening. The time we spent together recently before all of this had been amazing.

 

I'm preparing for the worst. She's gonna have to break NC eventually to tell me what's going on.

 

No she doesn't. Living on hopium won't get you much. You'll learn

[Moos]

UPDATE

 

It's been twelve days and still not spoken to her. It's bothering me because I will not break No Contact but I'm so unsure about where I stand. We are still in a relationship on Facebook, she still likes my photos and I am still in her profile pic. I hate to judge it all on FB but this is the only sort of way of knowing what might be happening.

 

I think she's testing out single life or testing out if she can find someone else. If it does happen she will just turn around and say goodbye to me but if it does not she will try coming back to me.

 

If she finds someone else or decides to be single I will be back to square one of feeling sad and lost and I dont want that. I dont know what to do.

[Marc878]

Stay NC. You can't make her do a thing.

 

If you chase they always move farther away.

 

What you'll discover is while it hurts upfront the world won't end. The sun will come up in the am.

 

She's not a special snowflake. There are others out there.

 

You will be fine

[Moos]

So it's been two weeks now and I'm seriously struggling not to break NC and her what the f*ck is going on. I'm in limbo, and have no idea if we're still together and just on a break or if we're broken up.

 

This is cruel man it really is. I don't know if we're together or not. But I shouldn't break NC to ask right?

 

She's still got me in a relationship with her on FB and in all of her profle pics on social media. I'm so confused...

[DrReplyInRhymes]

She said she wanted a break, that usually means there's someone else around,

It's a way to prepare you for a breakup so it's not out of the blue onto the ground,

Ask yourself this, when things were going well, did you often go ignored?

If not, then why put up with it now? Who knows the reason, maybe she got bored!

 

Move on, date others, she knows your number and where you live and stay,

If she wants to be with you, she'll make it known, she'll go out of her way,

But if you go ignored, told to take a break, and she doesn't ask to see you at ALL?

Just leave her alone, do NOT sit on your thumbs and wait for her call!

[Poutrew]

Consider yourselves broken up. Your ex is busy with her new life, probably lining up new guys to explore, while you are nursing a broken heart. Seriously, do you really want to be that sad, broken hearted guy? Would you be willing to take her back after she has tried out the single life, had sex with other guys, and then decides to get back with you because its out of her system for the time being and you treated her well?

 

 

Stop caring and stop looking at her Facebook - otherwise you will never heal. Practice the 180. Delete her number, unfriend her on Facebook, and then go out and meet other women - there is someone out there who will love you the way you want to be loved. You just need to stop moping around and find her.

[Zahara]

She said she wants to be single - and that if I moved on then that's my decision.

 

This seems very straightforward to me.

 

When someone is willing to lose you, walk away. Stop sitting around, placing your fate in their hands hoping they're going to come and pick you up.

 

She broke up with you. You both aren't in a relationship.

 

And stop going through her social media. All that means nothing and it's only keeping you stuck.

[Normm]

If it was me I'd want closure at this point. It's likely that she's done, but she could be confused and trying to work through conflicting feelings and she hasn't yet pulled the plug, but it's been 2 weeks. Times up.

 

I'd give her a call and either leave a message, or if she picks up, during the conversation make the following points:

 

Calmly tell her to the effect of "look we've been a big part of each other's lives for 3.5 years, I've been patient with giving you time to figure it out, and I'm good with trying to fix what's broken but if you want out, that's fine just please give me the courtesy of knowing where we're at."

 

Whatever you say, don't make it all sappy and beg her to come back because you will change and all that.

[Moos]

If it was me I'd want closure at this point. It's likely that she's done, but she could be confused and trying to work through conflicting feelings and she hasn't yet pulled the plug, but it's been 2 weeks. Times up.

 

I'd give her a call and either leave a message, or if she picks up, during the conversation make the following points:

 

Calmly tell her to the effect of "look we've been a big part of each other's lives for 3.5 years, I've been patient with giving you time to figure it out, and I'm good with trying to fix what's broken but if you want out, that's fine just please give me the courtesy of knowing where we're at."

 

Whatever you say, don't make it all sappy and beg her to come back because you will change and all that.

 

Yeah I think you're right. I think it's over. From now on I'm gonna act like its over. I'm gonna go to her apartment and post the keys she gave me through her postbox (that way she wont have to ask for them back) and just accept times up, move on and never speak to her again.

 

No more Mr. Soppy Bollocks

[Moos]

Hey all,

 

So my girlfriend asked to go on a break about a month ago and since then I have been strong with NC and not said a single thing to them! The situation is, we're not 'officially' broken up. We are just on a break - she needed to concentrate on herself blah blah blah, you've heard it all before...

 

Basically, I do want to get back with her so my question is this - as she is still technically my girlfriend (i think) and we haven't officially broken up, can I send some flowers to her apartment for her birthday in a couple weeks? No text, no phone calls, no initiating conversation, just some flowers to her apartment with a little note saying happy birthday?

 

I want her to know that I haven't forgotten and still care, but also don't want to look like a complete tool if she really isn't interested in getting back together, if you get what I mean?

 

Even if she texted afterwards saying thanks or something, I wouldn't reply and would go straight back to no contact and carry on focusing on healing.

 

FYI - If we were officially broken up I wouldn't even consider doing this and wouldn't say or do anything for her birthday.

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

[ExpatInItaly]

If you've had zero contact for a month, I think it's safe to say your relationship is over, OP. And thus, no, I wouldn't send flowers to her.

 

Relationships don't improve with breaks in which there is nothing being done to correct the problem that led to the break.

[Zahara]

You mentioned in your last thread that she told you she wants to be single and that she’d accept it if you wanted to move on with your life. It’s what you should do.

 

This is a break-up. She was just too much of a coward to be direct with you so she threw you some passivity in hopes you’d get the hint with time and distance. You shouldn’t be rewarding someone with flowers when they’re treating you without decency and kindness.

 

I have a feeling someone has her attention and she’s using this as a way to explore this new interest while dangling a break to keep you on the sidelines as a backup.

 

No flowers. Stay NC. She’s not giving you any consideration. It’s cruel to keep someone in the dark for this long. You have every right to reach out and ask her where this is going and then make a decision for yourself, if that is what’s going to help you decide your fate, rather than giving her all this power over you. Stop sitting in limbo.

Edited June 30, 2018 by Zahara

[overcome]

I would definitely NOT send flowers.

 

Working on herself "bla bla bla" as you put it, is a bs excuse. Whatever her issues are, she has not bothered to reach out to you after a month?

 

She's most likely moved on and props to you for going NC for a month. If that did not get her attention, don't waste your money on flowers. If she missed you she would have contacted you.

 

I'm sorry but I think this one may be over. Stay NC and please don't send her flowers.

[Beachead]

Hey all,

 

So my girlfriend asked to go on a break about a month ago and since then I have been strong with NC and not said a single thing to them! The situation is, we're not 'officially' broken up. We are just on a break - she needed to concentrate on herself blah blah blah, you've heard it all before...

 

Basically, I do want to get back with her so my question is this - as she is still technically my girlfriend (i think) and we haven't officially broken up, can I send some flowers to her apartment for her birthday in a couple weeks? No text, no phone calls, no initiating conversation, just some flowers to her apartment with a little note saying happy birthday?

 

I want her to know that I haven't forgotten and still care, but also don't want to look like a complete tool if she really isn't interested in getting back together, if you get what I mean?

 

Even if she texted afterwards saying thanks or something, I wouldn't reply and would go straight back to no contact and carry on focusing on healing.

 

FYI - If we were officially broken up I wouldn't even consider doing this and wouldn't say or do anything for her birthday.

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

 

Don't do it.

 

Breaks are just a cowardly way of keeping someone on the backburner while the person who requested the break, explores other options and figures out what they want. The other person ends up stuck in limbo without any answers. It is damaging and it is disrespectful. This tells a lot about her character.

 

Don't send her flowers, don't wish her Happy Birthday. Do nothing. If she was thinking about you, she'd have contacted you. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be there with you. Not somewhere else. You wouldn't be wondering. Read the actions.

 

If you need confirmation though, talk to her and see for yourself.

 

If she ever does contact you again, be real careful.

 

- Beach

Edited June 30, 2018 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

I have bad news for you. There is no such thing as "time off" from a relationship. You are either together, talking, interacting & actively working on the relationship or you are broken up. You can call it "on a break", "resting" "alien wishes" or "bob" because the label / name is not the controlling factor. The behavior is the controlling factor. And you two are apart, therefore broken up.

 

That said, I'm actually going to go against CW & tell you to call her for her birthday, maybe even send a card. Do not get a gift but reach out.

 

If she is silly enough to suggest this "break" she is probably immature but manipulative enough to be testing you. So she may actually want to hear from you & this is test to prove you care. There are very valid reasons to run screaming from somebody who pulls this nonsense & tests you but that is a different issue.

 

The other side is that this break is her way of ripping the Band-Aid off slowly by trying out another relationship, When you reach out you may find out she's been with or trying to get with another guy all this time. That is usually the reason for these breaks. The person who suggests them wants their SO as a back up in case the new shiny person rejects them.

 

If Zahara is correct & your EX previously told you she wants to be single, you are just not hearing her. This is not a break. It's a break up but you have continued to hold out false hope. That is so sad but maybe, this last attempt will finally prove to you that this is over. Hearing from you will probably piss her off. If she dumped you, the last thing she wants on her birthday is for the dark cloud that was her clingy EX to be showing up. However if getting this door proverbially slammed in your face one last time drives home the finality of your break up then it may be best for you to experience this all over again.

 

Either way I think you are screwed but if you reach out this will be over for good. You will get peace & closure because you will learn you have been played & that should spur you forward.

 

Best wishes.

[Moos]

I have a feeling you are all right. It's crazy to think 3.5 years together and she would just leave me in the dark like this for so long without any indication of what's going on. So cruel...

[amaysngrace]

You're just looking for an excuse to contact her.

 

Take the money you would have spent to send flowers and buy yourself a present instead.

[Adiron]

I have a feeling you are all right. It's crazy to think 3.5 years together and she would just leave me in the dark like this for so long without any indication of what's going on. So cruel...

 

 

Happens all the time. Once you are no longer of use to her, she isn't interested in going to the trouble of actually telling you it's over. It's not worth her time or effort. There's also the awkwardness and unpredictable reaction when you tell a former relationship person that you're done.

[Blanco]

Spoiler: You two are not on a "break" if you've had no interaction with her for a month.

[Mac0908]

So my girlfriend asked to go on a break about a month ago and since then I have been strong with NC and not said a single thing to them! The situation is, we're not 'officially' broken up. We are just on a break

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: