Common for your cheating EX to blame you for their cheating?

[iaudio]

Got out of a relationship (4+ years) last month. Caught her cheating with a younger guy.

 

When I called her out on it, she knew she had been caught and said "Just lay it on me". I told her we were done and we'll have to sort out our stuff.

 

She didn't talk to me at all the next day, at the behest of a mutual friend I sent her a text if she wanted a talk.

 

She sent an email the next morning saying she was sorry for hurting me, but went into a few paragraph long explanation as to why she did what she did. (Ie, justification for her actions / blaming me for them)

 

I felt like **** for her cheating, I felt even worse for her blaming me for what she did.

 

For this, I will be attending therapy fairly soon cause that really messed me up even more.

Edited June 10, 2018 by iaudio

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Years ago, I was also betrayed by a long-term partner. It's not pleasant.

 

I would say it's not unusual for the more immature variety of cheaters to blame their infidelity on their partners. She knows how bad this makes her look, and she's in damage-control mode to protect her ego. That alone tells me she has a lot of growing up to to.

 

Therapy can be a great way to get it all out and seek some guidance in managing the difficult road ahead to healing. Good for you for making that decision and attending to your own well-being.

[NopeNah]

How could it be her fault for not ending it with you if she was unhappy? Get over yourself,buddy!

 

See how stupid that reads/says? Yeah..you were dating a selfish person. Take whatever 'justifacation' you were told and know it was BS. Seriouly..block and get on with your life. I've found that every cheater ,I've ever dated, always tried to come back after they cheated. Because..that's who/what they are/do..cheaters.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Praying4Daylight

[iaudio]

How could it be her fault for not ending it with you if she was unhappy? Get over yourself,buddy!

 

See how stupid that reads/says? Yeah..you were dating a selfish person. Take whatever 'justifacation' you were told and know it was BS. Seriouly..block and get on with your life. I've found that every cheater ,I've ever dated, always tried to come back after they cheated. Because..that's who/what they are/do..cheaters.

 

Why even come back? They cheated cause they were unhappy, and in the end they got what they wanted. (Out of the relationship)

[PegNosePete]

Why even come back? They cheated cause they were unhappy, and in the end they got what they wanted. (Out of the relationship)

Because that's not what they want. They want to have their cake and eat it. ie. have a bit of fun on the site and come back to Mr. Reliable for dinner afterwards.

[Arieswoman]

laudio,

 

Common for your cheating EX to blame you for their cheating?

 

 

Absolutely.

 

 

They blame you because they can't take responsibility for their own actions and trust me, they don't change.

 

 

Never waste your time trying to find out why they did it, because you'll never get the real reason.

They aren't going to admit to you that they did it because they could, and that they are selfish, entitled @r$ehole$ who totally lack empathy.

 

 

Naaah, much either to blame you rather than examine themselves and their own motivations, because that would involve them being honest, which is another quality they totally lack.

 

 

Do not waste one more precious minute of your time on this person.

[iaudio]

laudio,

 

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

 

They blame you because they can't take responsibility for their own actions and trust me, they don't change.

 

 

Never waste your time trying to find out why they did it, because you'll never get the real reason.

They aren't going to admit to you that they did it because they could, and that they are selfish, entitled @r$ehole$ who totally lack empathy.

 

 

Naaah, much either to blame you rather than examine themselves and their own motivations, because that would involve them being honest, which is another quality they totally lack.

 

 

Do not waste one more precious minute of your time on this person.

 

Damm that hurts, considering we were together for quite awhile.

[carhill]

Here's how our MC separated out things....

 

The spouses are jointly and severally responsible for the marriage.

 

Any spouse's actions that betray the marital agreement are solely the responsibility of that spouse.

 

There was none of that 'he/she did it first' or 'he/she did this and that's why I did this'.

 

We each have free will and are solely responsible for our actions.

 

In your case, OP, if you do go to IC for any reason, task the counselor to examine your actions in your relationship and how you can improve both your own actions as well as how to deal with and communicate regarding the actions of any partners you may have in the future. If you go in with the 'she cheated I'm perfect' attitude you'll get nowhere.

[iaudio]

Here's how our MC separated out things....

 

The spouses are jointly and severally responsible for the marriage.

 

Any spouse's actions that betray the marital agreement are solely the responsibility of that spouse.

 

There was none of that 'he/she did it first' or 'he/she did this and that's why I did this'.

 

We each have free will and are solely responsible for our actions.

 

In your case, OP, if you do go to IC for any reason, task the counselor to examine your actions in your relationship and how you can improve both your own actions as well as how to deal with and communicate regarding the actions of any partners you may have in the future. If you go in with the 'she cheated I'm perfect' attitude you'll get nowhere.

 

Oh, I know what I did wrong. I was shutting myself out emotionally for the past year.

 

However, she didn't communicate well and did her venting through email rather than talking with each other. I wanted face to face, she avoided conflict.

 

But she didn't take any responsibility on her end leading up to her cheating, but turned it around on me. That hurt worse than the cheating.

[sdraw108]

I only have one experience of this, but it definitely involved her (repeatedly) blaming me for the cheating. Half of the justifications were things that she knew (and admitted, at other times) were not even true.

 

Some people just can't live with the emotions that come with knowing they have done something awful to another person. By shifting the blame they get to carry on being selfish and not have to feel bad about it.

 

Remember, there is never a good excuse for cheating, and it is always BS when you hear one. A cheater is always faced with a choice: (a) end the relationship gracefully, go through a grieving period, and then date others, or (b) cheat, string the old partner along, and then leave when they no longer need the safety net.

 

(a) is painful but morally correct.

(b) is immoral but less painful

 

Which option a person chooses says everything about them and nothing about you.

[fredflint]

I only have one experience of this, but it definitely involved her (repeatedly) blaming me for the cheating. Half of the justifications were things that she knew (and admitted, at other times) were not even true.

 

Some people just can't live with the emotions that come with knowing they have done something awful to another person. By shifting the blame they get to carry on being selfish and not have to feel bad about it.

 

Remember, there is never a good excuse for cheating, and it is always BS when you hear one. A cheater is always faced with a choice: (a) end the relationship gracefully, go through a grieving period, and then date others, or (b) cheat, string the old partner along, and then leave when they no longer need the safety net.

 

(a) is painful but morally correct.

(b) is immoral but less painful

 

Which option a person chooses says everything about them and nothing about you.

 

Is it possible to build a loving relationship with someone who chooses option (b) ?

[sdraw108]

Is it possible to build a loving relationship with someone who chooses option (b) ?

 

Yes, but only if they fundamentally change as a person. This is quite a rare thing for most people to achieve, I think.

 

You have to ask why someone is like that in the first place. The answer is that they're selfish, lack empathy, don't care about hurting others, lack morals, etc. It also demonstrates a certain kind of lack of forward thinking, because this type of behaviour ultimately affects their life in a negative way too. It results in failed relationships, it makes people think less of them, and it causes them to attract people who are themselves less likely to be quality people (because only a certain type of person is willing to date a known cheater, or even worse, to date someone who is already in a relationship).

 

With those kind of negative traits, cheating is not going to be the only symptom. Invariably it will show itself in other ways for people who choose to be in a relationship with them. A person who is willing to do the ultimate selfish act is probably generally quite selfish. It's unlikely to be just that one thing.

 

Can someone like that change? I think it is possible, but most people will not do it. The ones that are more likely to change are those who have only cheated once and realised it is something they never want to do again, or people who did it when they were younger and managed to grow up and leave that kind of behaviour in the past. I would be very wary of a cheater in general, but if I came across someone who was into their 30s or beyond and had cheated multiple times including recently, I wouldn't even bother giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Edited June 19, 2018 by sdraw108

[iaudio]

Yes, but only if they fundamentally change as a person. This is quite a rare thing for most people to achieve, I think.

 

You have to ask why someone is like that in the first place. The answer is that they're selfish, lack empathy, don't care about hurting others, lack morals, etc. It also demonstrates a certain kind of lack of forward thinking, because this type of behaviour ultimately affects their life in a negative way too. It results in failed relationships, it makes people think less of them, and it causes them to attract people who are themselves less likely to be quality people (because only a certain type of person is willing to date a known cheater, or even worse, to date someone who is already in a relationship).

 

With those kind of negative traits, cheating is not going to be the only symptom. Invariably it will show itself in other ways for people who choose to be in a relationship with them. A person who is willing to do the ultimate selfish act is probably generally quite selfish. It's unlikely to be just that one thing.

 

Can someone like that change? I think it is possible, but most people will not do it. The ones that are more likely to change are those who have only cheated once and realised it is something they never want to do again, or people who did it when they were younger and managed to grow up and leave that kind of behaviour in the past. I would be very wary of a cheater in general, but if I came across someone who was into their 30s or beyond and had cheated multiple times including recently, I wouldn't even bother giving them the benefit of the doubt.

 

I'll have to agree with the above. In my case, the EX was in her mid 40s. Since the official break (4 weeks), she has since gone on a dating website looking for Mr. Right. (After our 4 + year relationship)

 

She is on a path towards self destruction. I had some empathy for her before, but only because I know where I contributed to the build up. However, I have 0 for her now. She is destroying her life and people around here because she is worried about her own selfish needs.

[preraph]

Oh, yes, cheaters usually do deflect blame and try gaslighting you.