zerogravity Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 (edited) Hello, So I'd like some advice on my situation. Dated this chick for about 2months, doesn't sound like a long time but it was pretty intense, then she dumped me. Honestly can't blame her, I wasn't ready to date at all, was a bit needy and weak and just messed up - almost couldn't have happened any other way. So far so bad. Now to the problem: First she went icecold on me, acted like she didn't even care about me as a person and acted like she was totally cool with never ever hearing from me ever again. I'm not gonna lie, I was totally crushed and felt worthless and unlovable. Then after a while she reinitiated contact. We are both very avid trailrunners, so I figured she just wanted to be cordial since we are in the same social circle. THEN however she also wanted to meet up for runs with me alone and hang out as buddies (wtf we wern't even friends before?!). It's been 4 months since the "breakup". She also blows me kisses n stuff but she's clearly emphasizing that we are "buddies". Thus I told her I was sexually attracted to her and had ulterior motives and had no interest in being buddies. She left me alone for a little while, but now she seems to be hellbend on being runningmates again. She clearly has enough runningpartners as is, so I am confused why she would want to meet up with me specifically. I am 98% convinced that she doesn't want anything sexual or romantic, I think it's sort of a powerplay for her, she wants me to validate her or some crap like that. Or maybe she just really thinks it's not really a big deal since she wasn't very emotionally invested in our fling to begin with. Or she pitys me/wants to alleviate guilt?... no idea. I don't reach out to her, she does occasionally contact me (it's clear that she understands that I would rather have her not do so, but she does it anyway), to which I reply in a cordial but short fashion. In public I engage her like I would any other girl. I am glad we are on decent terms, but I don't want unnecessary contact with her and I sure as heck don't want to hang! I'm still pining over her to some degree and my ego is hurt. Not that I think that's likely going to happen, would I like to have a second chance with her? To be honest yes, but not right now and not with a girl who's lukewarm for me. Before I start dating again I need to get my **** together and that's gonna take 0.5-1years. Any advice? Edited June 8, 2018 by zerogravity Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 Definitely don't be her running mate if you have one ounce of feeling left for her. You are right she just wants validation that someone still wants her and can't resist her. Tell her straight up you've found another running partner and you'll see her around. Stand back, and watch her chase. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zerogravity Posted June 8, 2018 Author Share Posted June 8, 2018 (edited) Not an ounce, more like a gallon! I guess it's not always the length of the relationship that counts. No worries I couldn't be her running mate - as much as I'd want to spend time with her I couldn't bear being demoted from lover to running mate. I'd rather be nothing in that case. Thing is, she's really not that bad of a girl and I'm to blame, which makes it so hard to completely get over it for me. When we met I had alot of **** going wrong in my life and I turned into a wuss/mess. While she was very infatuated with me at first that clearly wore off because of my mistakes and my value dropped in her eyes. It's just that she's so adamant about it! If I tell her I've found someone else she's going to ask to join. I feel like at some point I've to give her a speech again, but I don't want to burn all bridges... I feel like a toy. : P.S.: Do you think it's better to more or less have her chase for that validation like you proposed or just straight tell her she's better off running with her buddies and not ask again? (Not that I'm convinced that'd absolutely deter her) Edited June 8, 2018 by zerogravity Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 You have the right idea but you need to grow up and mature a bit. Women can smell needy a mile away. Cut her off completely. Stop the game playing. That's all you're getting. No complete man puts up with it. You'll learn and if you want a good relationship confidence is a big key to it. You don't need her she's just a want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zerogravity Posted June 9, 2018 Author Share Posted June 9, 2018 Yeah Marc, I see what you are getting at. I am not really interested in playing games, infact I'd rather have her leave me alone instead of this. I just don't want to come across as if I am still pining over her, but I don't wanna be rude either. Cutting her out completely without being rude is difficult - I organise several running events and regular training runs which are public events. Telling her to please not show up would be pitiful, won't it? I guess the point is I should just do my thing and not care either way.... Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 (edited) First, I think you need to quit putting yourself down and saying it's all your fault. Nobody is perfect, and we all have vulnerabilities when we're falling for someone. Connecting isn't about acting, it's about being authentic. Maybe you were too forthcoming too soon, or maybe she was looking for an image rather than a whole person. Sure, you can take a few lessons and perhaps conduct yourself differently in the future, but don't put yourself down for being who you are. Secondly, you don't know exactly what her motives are for contacting you (and neither does anyone else). Yes, it could be that she wants to string you along and get some validation out of it, but it could also be that she's interested in getting back together but can't bring herself to say so directly. You said that she has contacted you several times, even after you asked her not to, correct? So given that you know you still want her (like a gallon!), it's only going to cost you a bit of pride to figure it out... and maybe not even that since you already told her how you feel. And why are you so damn concerned about being rude or hurting her feelings? Tell her to sh*t or get off the pot! Tell her you have zero interest in being buddies or running with her or anything else... unless she's interested in getting back together. And if that's the case, be at my house at 7:00 wearing those lacy panties, otherwise leave me the hell alone. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with saying something like that. What she's doing is beyond annoying. Put the ball squarely in her court. Edited June 9, 2018 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 Sal is right. Women respect a man who gets in their face and tells them what he wants and doesn't accept less. Yes tell her that you have another running mate and if she asks to tag along tell her straight up NO. Tell her you aren't looking for female friends but a girlfriend. Don't be afraid to hurt her feelings as it will wake her up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zerogravity Posted June 9, 2018 Author Share Posted June 9, 2018 A lot of thanks for the additional input, also thank you Sal for the compassionate post - made me feel better about the whole thing. Yes that's exactly right, I did tell her that I didn't want to be buddies and to not contact me, sometimes I'm a bit too timid/reserved, but there's no way she didn't get whats up. She's got that happy-go-lucky attitude (she's extremely charming, one thing I adore about her) but I think you are right that it's disrespectful and playing with someones emotions is not so cute... I agree, I'd be justified in throwing her a curveball like that and if she reaches out (more like when) I'll do just that - otherwise she won't respect my boundaries and keep ignoring what I tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts