what do i do? how can i fix this?

[tinyhuman22]

I was seeing this guy for just under 3 months, never made it official although it was established we were exclusive. Initially, everything was great and then we argued because he’d ignored my message for 25 hours and left another message “read.” We resolved it and after that we had a few more arguments, about similar issues but also what I perceived to be a lack of effort from him maintaining our “thing.” Eventually, I ended things with him because although I still have strong feelings for him I felt that I wasn’t being treated correctly.

 

It’s been a few days since then and all I’ve felt is regret and a desire to get him back. When we ended things he was the one who said he didn’t want this to be awkward at work (we work at the same place different departments) and that he didn’t want to completely stop talking to me. Yet he is actively ignoring my messages (I haven’t been bombarding him, just asked him in one message if he wanted his stuff back.) I guess my questions are:

 

1) Will I be able to get him back? And how?

2) How and what does he feel?

 

any other advice is appreciated too

[kendahke]

I was seeing this guy for just under 3 months, never made it official although it was established we were exclusive. Initially, everything was great and then we argued because he’d ignored my message for 25 hours and left another message “read.” We resolved it and after that we had a few more arguments, about similar issues but also what I perceived to be a lack of effort from him maintaining our “thing.” Eventually, I ended things with him because although I still have strong feelings for him I felt that I wasn’t being treated correctly.

 

It’s been a few days since then and all I’ve felt is regret and a desire to get him back. When we ended things he was the one who said he didn’t want this to be awkward at work (we work at the same place different departments) and that he didn’t want to completely stop talking to me. Yet he is actively ignoring my messages (I haven’t been bombarding him, just asked him in one message if he wanted his stuff back.) I guess my questions are:

 

1) Will I be able to get him back? And how?

 

The best way to get someone back is to not turn them loose to begin with.

 

Fact is, you weren't exclusive if no declaration was made--and that is why he's not answering to you: he's under no obligation to do so. There are a lot of mistaken people who assume one thing when in actuality, something completely different was going on with the person they're with exactly because they didn't get that point discussed and agreed upon.

 

So now you find yourself being blown off by a guy who doesn't feel like dealing with your hail of text messages.

 

Your relationship was at the point where all weak foundation relationships fail--the 3 month mark is when that happens. You two don't have the requisite compatibility for this to go the distance if you're arguing and fighting all the time and you're still supposedly in the "honeymoon phase".

 

2) How and what does he feel?

 

any other advice is appreciated too

 

He doesn't feel like fielding your messages right now and wants space.

 

Give him space and don't poop where you eat.

[carhill]

I guess my questions are:

 

1) Will I be able to get him back? And how?

2) How and what does he feel?

 

any other advice is appreciated too

 

1. Unknown. If you seek to, IMO leave things be for awhile and make personal contact, not electronic. Face-to-face.

 

2. Guys IME usually quit for a few reasons, presuming there was any attachment. A new or better deal comes along. The drama isn't worth the sex. They feel smothered or overwhelmed. Can't read this guy's mind but that's been my experience with about 60 on the planet as a guy and listening to guys for a lifetime talking about stuff they don't share with their wives.

 

How old are you and he? If young, like 25-under, pretty normal stuff. Life can be pretty dramatic in the 20's. Great time to learn and grow. Good luck!

[Highndry]

There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than breaking up with somebody. In fact, once you do that you can never, ever go back. You should have thought things through. Let this be a lesson to you.

 

No matter if you beg him back and he agrees, he will never trust you like he would have had you not broken up. Deep down he will always wonder if the shoe is going to drop again. I will never, ever take a woman back who breaks up with me.

[preraph]

Just sounds like he wasn't ready to be exclusive but knows that's what you're wanting because you get frantic when you don't hear from him and because 3-4 months is about right when someone starts wanting more or to know what's going on. If he was headed that direction, instead of backing off, he'd have doubled down with commitment, etc. He's just not that interested in keeping it going and is very likely seeing other women or going out and trying to meet new women. Since he's not in a committed relationship and is just dating you.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want him back?

 

Although I think your stance is unreasonable -- you broke up because he didn't respond to a text for 25 hours-- that level of lack of response bothered you. He's still not responding to your logistical message & has ignored other messages that you sent. So what happens if you get back together? My guess he still won't communicate with you in a time frame that suits you so why are you bothering?

 

Be professional at work but let this go.

 

 

His post break up behavior -- not responding even about exchanging stuff -- tells me he does not wish to engage with you on a personal level. He only cares that work is not awkward. Hound him about this at your onw peril; you might end up on the wrong end of an HR complaint.

[tinyhuman22]

The best way to get someone back is to not turn them loose to begin with.

 

Fact is, you weren't exclusive if no declaration was made--and that is why he's not answering to you: he's under no obligation to do so. There are a lot of mistaken people who assume one thing when in actuality, something completely different was going on with the person they're with exactly because they didn't get that point discussed and agreed upon.

 

So now you find yourself being blown off by a guy who doesn't feel like dealing with your hail of text messages.

 

Your relationship was at the point where all weak foundation relationships fail--the 3 month mark is when that happens. You two don't have the requisite compatibility for this to go the distance if you're arguing and fighting all the time and you're still supposedly in the "honeymoon phase".

 

 

 

He doesn't feel like fielding your messages right now and wants space.

 

Give him space and don't poop where you eat.

 

 

he and i had multiple conversations where we explicitly stated that we were 100% exclusive, not interested in anybody else, but without the labels and i did only send one message about the stuff i thought he might want back.

 

but i think you're right about the whole 3 month mark thing, we did discuss the fact that we are complete opposites of each other and maybe that was the reason for our almost-relationship failing.

[tinyhuman22]

1. Unknown. If you seek to, IMO leave things be for awhile and make personal contact, not electronic. Face-to-face.

 

2. Guys IME usually quit for a few reasons, presuming there was any attachment. A new or better deal comes along. The drama isn't worth the sex. They feel smothered or overwhelmed. Can't read this guy's mind but that's been my experience with about 60 on the planet as a guy and listening to guys for a lifetime talking about stuff they don't share with their wives.

 

How old are you and he? If young, like 25-under, pretty normal stuff. Life can be pretty dramatic in the 20's. Great time to learn and grow. Good luck!

 

i've decided to take your advice and just ride it out, if he comes back he'll come back, we both left the possibility of future communication open so i'll just leave it at that. i do think that could be the case, as i was much more expressive and emotional whereas he was more logical about things.

 

we're in our 20's, under 25.

[tinyhuman22]

There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than breaking up with somebody. In fact, once you do that you can never, ever go back. You should have thought things through. Let this be a lesson to you.

 

No matter if you beg him back and he agrees, he will never trust you like he would have had you not broken up. Deep down he will always wonder if the shoe is going to drop again. I will never, ever take a woman back who breaks up with me.

 

i see where you're coming from but i'm sure there are people who have broken up only to get back together and make it work. i should have, i still regret it but i can only live with that and at least try to move on & better myself. i had people around me telling me he wasn't worth it and i let them cloud my judgement.

 

i have thought about that, if we got back together after we'd ended things. would it be awkward? would it be possible to start again without bringing the old drama back? i don't really see a happy ending in any possible scenario...so i've decided to just live with regret and learn from this for any future relationships.

[tinyhuman22]

Just sounds like he wasn't ready to be exclusive but knows that's what you're wanting because you get frantic when you don't hear from him and because 3-4 months is about right when someone starts wanting more or to know what's going on. If he was headed that direction, instead of backing off, he'd have doubled down with commitment, etc. He's just not that interested in keeping it going and is very likely seeing other women or going out and trying to meet new women. Since he's not in a committed relationship and is just dating you.

 

he said that his previous relationships never worked out because he jumped into them too quickly, which is why he wanted to take his time with me. when i ended it, he didn't put up a fight at all, said something along the lines of 'this probably won't work out, i did want it to but not everything does.' i very much doubt that he's out trying to meet other women, it's just the vibe i get from him that he isn't really like that.

[tinyhuman22]

Why do you want him back?

 

Although I think your stance is unreasonable -- you broke up because he didn't respond to a text for 25 hours-- that level of lack of response bothered you. He's still not responding to your logistical message & has ignored other messages that you sent. So what happens if you get back together? My guess he still won't communicate with you in a time frame that suits you so why are you bothering?

 

Be professional at work but let this go.

 

 

His post break up behavior -- not responding even about exchanging stuff -- tells me he does not wish to engage with you on a personal level. He only cares that work is not awkward. Hound him about this at your onw peril; you might end up on the wrong end of an HR complaint.

 

it wasn't just the fact that he didn't reply for 25 hours, it was other things such as our time together becoming less frequent. in hindsight, i know now that my stance on texting/messaging whatever was completely irrational and since i've ended things with him i've changed my perspective on that entirely.

 

if we did end up together again i'd change my attitude towards us messaging, as the time we spent together face to face was nothing less than amazing.

 

that is a bitter pill to swallow but i made my bed so i have to lay in it. i have seen him since we ended things and he was joking and laughing about with his friend, so i guess he's over it. no way would i hound him with messages or requests to talk to him face to face, i'm dealing with it by giving him space and bettering myself (gym / yoga etc)

[ExpatInItaly]

Get back to..what, exactly?

 

He was clearly losing interest, OP. You changing your stance on his response time or dwindling frequency of meet-ups isn't going to revive that. He was checking out, you sensed that, and did the right thing by calling it off.

 

He evidently hadn't yet worked up the courage to tell you, but this wasn't working out anyway.

[capsicumspray]

Honestly, the "why didn't you text me back with X timeframe" thing shows immaturity that turns lots of guys off. I have friends who like having a gf like that, but most find it chore and invasive and kinda kills the trust in the relationship over time. Since you guys fought over it, you can guess what group he is in.

 

It's a good thing you've realized that it's a negative thing and committed to changing it. It's easy to say that now, but it takes a lot of work and effort to keep it up because if that comes back, you two will have the same issues and will eventually break up again,

 

Since you dumped him, he's probably open to getting back together. Just make sure this time round it works!

 

Good luck!

[tinyhuman22]

Get back to..what, exactly?

 

He was clearly losing interest, OP. You changing your stance on his response time or dwindling frequency of meet-ups isn't going to revive that. He was checking out, you sensed that, and did the right thing by calling it off.

 

He evidently hadn't yet worked up the courage to tell you, but this wasn't working out anyway.

 

i guess so...if it was the right thing then why am i so upset over it? i shouldn’t be having regrets if it’s the right thing to do. when i ended it with him he did put up a little resistance but gave in....

[tinyhuman22]

Honestly, the "why didn't you text me back with X timeframe" thing shows immaturity that turns lots of guys off. I have friends who like having a gf like that, but most find it chore and invasive and kinda kills the trust in the relationship over time. Since you guys fought over it, you can guess what group he is in.

 

It's a good thing you've realized that it's a negative thing and committed to changing it. It's easy to say that now, but it takes a lot of work and effort to keep it up because if that comes back, you two will have the same issues and will eventually break up again,

 

Since you dumped him, he's probably open to getting back together. Just make sure this time round it works!

 

Good luck!

 

i know, i realize my mistakes now and i know i’m not entirely blameless in all of this. i’m willing to change, i have anxiety and depressive issues which obviously aren’t an excuse for my behaviour but more a reason why i reacted the way i did. do you really think so? half of me is saying let him go and move on and the other half is full of regrets...

 

i’ve had people tell me to let him do all the chasing and don’t give him the power. i assume you’re a guy from the tone of your reply so honestly if you found yourself in my guy’s position what would you think/do? i don’t know how i would ever approach him if i do decide to

 

i saw him today at work, he was alone in the canteen sitting away from his friends. we glanced at each other, i sat down on an empty table away from him and then a few minutes later he walked out and aggresively threw his drink or whatever in the bin...don’t know what that means, if anything.

[ambyc92]

I think in the wake of a break up we have a tendency to blame ourselves and while i'm sure you attributed in some way to the circumstances, it takes two for a relationship to dissolve.

 

In this day and age of social media cell phones etc we are essentially always connected.I don't see a problem with saying to a partner , hey it kind of bums me out when you don't respond to my texts for a whole day knowing you've seen them. Like some other posters have mentioned it seems like he was distancing himself during a 3 month period you both should still be pretty into each other everything is new, ignoring messages and not putting in much effort at 3 months is a bit unusual.

 

The only thing i would be mindful of is your delivery as long as you weren't yelling and screaming. Bringing up your concerns is important in any relationship romantic or platonic, as long as its done in a healthy way. As far as getting back together i imagine there was quite a discussion before the break up that ultimately led you to say you know what i don't think this is working. Often times when we feel someone is not treating us the way we should we feel sort of forced to break up as if they left us no choice and when the situation wanes you can feel a bit down especially when like you said despite this you had a great connection. However I'm sort of interested in what you don't say you had multiple discussions about this issue did he express any desire to work with you given the outcome i'm thinking no.

 

Whether you get back together I of course can't say but I think you should go a little easier on yourself you wanted something he couldn't provide i mean if hes distant now what happens down the road...while everyone is different it seems there were multiple times you felt like an afterthought. Reality is setting in and adrenaline is wearing off so your feelings are going to be a bit more raw. Focus on you don't worry about him perhaps in time and i'm talking real time like a year or so you guys could do a friendly check in if he hasn't reached out already perhaps you won't give a crap then this was pretty short lived but either way be kind to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was seeing this guy for just under 3 months, never made it official although it was established we were exclusive. Initially, everything was great and then we argued because he’d ignored my message for 25 hours and left another message “read.” We resolved it and after that we had a few more arguments, about similar issues but also what I perceived to be a lack of effort from him maintaining our “thing.” Eventually, I ended things with him because although I still have strong feelings for him I felt that I wasn’t being treated correctly.

 

It’s been a few days since then and all I’ve felt is regret and a desire to get him back. When we ended things he was the one who said he didn’t want this to be awkward at work (we work at the same place different departments) and that he didn’t want to completely stop talking to me. Yet he is actively ignoring my messages (I haven’t been bombarding him, just asked him in one message if he wanted his stuff back.) I guess my questions are:

 

1) Will I be able to get him back? And how?

2) How and what does he feel?

 

any other advice is appreciated too

[tinyhuman22]

I think in the wake of a break up we have a tendency to blame ourselves and while i'm sure you attributed in some way to the circumstances, it takes two for a relationship to dissolve.

 

In this day and age of social media cell phones etc we are essentially always connected.I don't see a problem with saying to a partner , hey it kind of bums me out when you don't respond to my texts for a whole day knowing you've seen them. Like some other posters have mentioned it seems like he was distancing himself during a 3 month period you both should still be pretty into each other everything is new, ignoring messages and not putting in much effort at 3 months is a bit unusual.

 

The only thing i would be mindful of is your delivery as long as you weren't yelling and screaming. Bringing up your concerns is important in any relationship romantic or platonic, as long as its done in a healthy way. As far as getting back together i imagine there was quite a discussion before the break up that ultimately led you to say you know what i don't think this is working. Often times when we feel someone is not treating us the way we should we feel sort of forced to break up as if they left us no choice and when the situation wanes you can feel a bit down especially when like you said despite this you had a great connection. However I'm sort of interested in what you don't say you had multiple discussions about this issue did he express any desire to work with you given the outcome i'm thinking no.

 

Whether you get back together I of course can't say but I think you should go a little easier on yourself you wanted something he couldn't provide i mean if hes distant now what happens down the road...while everyone is different it seems there were multiple times you felt like an afterthought. Reality is setting in and adrenaline is wearing off so your feelings are going to be a bit more raw. Focus on you don't worry about him perhaps in time and i'm talking real time like a year or so you guys could do a friendly check in if he hasn't reached out already perhaps you won't give a crap then this was pretty short lived but either way be kind to you.

 

he put it down to him not being a phone person which i can understand in a sense. when we were together face to face it was great aside from the fact that he wasn’t as into hugging and stuff as much as i was but he enjoyed sex.

 

i made a big deal of dealing with my issues with the relationship as diplomatically as possible aka no name calling insults or screaming. he refused to apologise after the first argument which angered me at the time but i realise now i was wrong to demand his time like that.

 

the thing is, is that i messaged him like “i can’t do this anymore”, he put up a bit of resistance and then when i suggested meeting to talk about it in person properly he refused and said “i think you’ve said enough, this probably won’t work.” beforehand, we’d discussed it and i said multiple times i’m unhappy and it needs to change and he promised he would, with messaging and meeting up more often, does that count as a desire to work with me? maybe i was too harsh on him...he blamed himself at times for making me upset

[tinyhuman22]

so since my last reply, i messaged him once more apologizing for my mistakes and asking to try again. i made it clear it’d be my last message to him but i thought if i have these regrets they’ll eat me up.

 

he responded a few days later saying that it meant a lot that i apologized for my mistakes, but that it wouldn’t work if we tried again right now. he said that we should try to be friends first and then if that works out well then we can try again in the future.

 

is this a good thing? i’m not quite sure if he’s being genuinely serious or trying to let me down gently. i’ve yet to break the ice at work with him.

[SpecialJ]

It sounds like you weren't secure in what you had, and so you ended it to stop those bad feelings. It may be worthwhile for you to reflect about whether your insecurity was justified (he wasn't making you feel secure vs you are very anxious in your relationships). If you'd calmly communicated your needs to him and his response was to keep doing what he was doing and not stepping up to commit or be more responsive, or at the very least explain his needs which could be he hates texting or something -- so that you two could compromise from there -- then this was just incompatible and he's not right for you. I suspect it was a combination of him not being as into it and you being in a position where you're still young and have room to learn to manage your anxiety better, and to figure out if something bothering you is really being caused by a partner or if it's something being triggered by your own issues (baggage, anxiety, whatever) in which case you need to recognize and solve for it.

 

Dating where you work is a bad idea anyway, so this sounds like a good opportunity to let this one go and figure out if you can find better coping mechanisms to manage your anxiety and depression so it minimizes their impact on your future relationships.

[sickofgettinghurt]

so since my last reply, i messaged him once more apologizing for my mistakes and asking to try again. i made it clear it’d be my last message to him but i thought if i have these regrets they’ll eat me up.

 

he responded a few days later saying that it meant a lot that i apologized for my mistakes, but that it wouldn’t work if we tried again right now. he said that we should try to be friends first and then if that works out well then we can try again in the future.

 

is this a good thing? i’m not quite sure if he’s being genuinely serious or trying to let me down gently. i’ve yet to break the ice at work with him.

 

 

I'm going through the same identical thing at work so I figured I'd put my two cents in. First of all, you mentioned you work together. Do you work for a large company that has multiple offices/floors or do you work in an environment where there are just a few employees? I have different pieces of advice depending on your scenario. My situation is the first so it's making it easier to stay away from them.

 

Secondly, 9 times out of 10 when you get the friends line it's not a good sign. Nobody likes conflict and it sounds to me like he is in fact letting you down gently so he doesn't hurt you. That's just my speculation though. Sounds like your handling this really well though by working on yourself and giving him space.

 

My best advice is love yourself first and don't let someone's desire or lack of desire influence your happiness. Hope this helps!

[Adiron]

a few minutes later he walked out and aggresively threw his drink or whatever in the bin...don’t know what that means, if anything.

 

 

It means that seeing you aggravates him and he's into a bit of drama.

[tinyhuman22]

I'm going through the same identical thing at work so I figured I'd put my two cents in. First of all, you mentioned you work together. Do you work for a large company that has multiple offices/floors or do you work in an environment where there are just a few employees? I have different pieces of advice depending on your scenario. My situation is the first so it's making it easier to stay away from them.

 

Secondly, 9 times out of 10 when you get the friends line it's not a good sign. Nobody likes conflict and it sounds to me like he is in fact letting you down gently so he doesn't hurt you. That's just my speculation though. Sounds like your handling this really well though by working on yourself and giving him space.

 

My best advice is love yourself first and don't let someone's desire or lack of desire influence your happiness. Hope this helps!

 

sucks doesn’t it? its a large company lots of employees and multiple floors.

i’m in two minds about the text, he added that “in [his] opinion, successful relationships start off as friendships first and then progress into relationships” he wouldn’t say that unless being in a relationship is the end goal no? he also said i wasn’t the last person he wanted to talk to and the fact that he replied to a message where i specifically said “if i don’t get a reply then i’ll say this isn’t what you want anymore and i’ll move on — thank you for everything” makes me wonder.

 

i’m trying to instill that message into myself right now...thank you. i hope your situation gets better too

[sickofgettinghurt]

sucks doesn’t it? its a large company lots of employees and multiple floors.

i’m in two minds about the text, he added that “in [his] opinion, successful relationships start off as friendships first and then progress into relationships” he wouldn’t say that unless being in a relationship is the end goal no? he also said i wasn’t the last person he wanted to talk to and the fact that he replied to a message where i specifically said “if i don’t get a reply then i’ll say this isn’t what you want anymore and i’ll move on — thank you for everything” makes me wonder.

 

i’m trying to instill that message into myself right now...thank you. i hope your situation gets better too

 

It does! And thank you. Just being friendly here, but what type of work do you do for a living? The reason I ask is depending on the nature of the work, that can help with your situation as well (i.e. if you seem to be busy vs a lot of down time). Mine is fast paced so that's helping.

 

Just try to stay busy AND don't over analyze texts, I'm saying that to myself too. Sometimes ultimatums have to be given and you did the right thing. There's a book called "Tough Love." He doesn't want a relationship or he'd be with you. That's what I'm seeing on my end too. If you've already been intimate then you are no longer friends. So you aren't essentially starting over.

 

There are PLENTY of other people out there. I know it's tough when feelings are involved, but it kind of sounds like he's wanting to play the field. I don't think he's playing you, I think he's keeping you on the side while he figures out WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM. That's what you have to do. You have to be selfish in these types of situations. How old are you and how old is he because that can also factor in on what people really want in life....

[tinyhuman22]

It does! And thank you. Just being friendly here, but what type of work do you do for a living? The reason I ask is depending on the nature of the work, that can help with your situation as well (i.e. if you seem to be busy vs a lot of down time). Mine is fast paced so that's helping.

 

Just try to stay busy AND don't over analyze texts, I'm saying that to myself too. Sometimes ultimatums have to be given and you did the right thing. There's a book called "Tough Love." He doesn't want a relationship or he'd be with you. That's what I'm seeing on my end too. If you've already been intimate then you are no longer friends. So you aren't essentially starting over.

 

There are PLENTY of other people out there. I know it's tough when feelings are involved, but it kind of sounds like he's wanting to play the field. I don't think he's playing you, I think he's keeping you on the side while he figures out WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM. That's what you have to do. You have to be selfish in these types of situations. How old are you and how old is he because that can also factor in on what people really want in life....

 

i work in retail so its a mix of fast pace and down time. i mean he had the option of not replying at all and letting any chance of a relationship go...but he didn’t do that. we’re both 20/21, i don’t really want to think that’s what he’s doing as he really doesn’t seem to be the type of person to do that...

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not that interested, OP.

 

A guy who really wants to see you and keep you in his life isn't this wishy-washy and vague. I would take this as your cue to keep moving and not wait around for him.