Drifting apart...anxiety about breaking up [update- broke up]

[snowboy91]

I've been with my GF for 6 years now (both mid 20s) - I've posted a handful of threads here about how I've been feeling, but recent events have really put the relationship into free-fall... and the blame is more mine than it is hers.

 

We've been spending very little time with each other aside from just being on the couch at home at the times we are home. I feel like I've gone through a big phase of self-discovery and really becoming far more social and outgoing than I have at any point in my life, and I'm using this chance to develop and maintain friendships as well as consider my career options more fully. So I'll admit I've been spending little time with her at home because I always feel more comfortable spending time with friends, going on big hikes, travelling, etc.

 

My GF is very career focused herself, but at the same time it seems like she's trying to put down roots where we are and seems unwilling to even move across the city for work, let alone move cities (yes, in a previous thread I said she considered moving internationally, but nothing came of it - the idea of being away from existing friends and family was unsettling to her). She goes out with friends semi-regularly as well, but aside from that she prefers to sit at home, watch TV, clean the apartment, etc.

 

I've realised we have very few things we like to do together - every time we go out to dinner it always feels rushed, if we try and go on a day trip it doesn't feel like both of us are enjoying it fully, so as a result neither of us plan anything together any more. And she used to want me to stay home with her a lot, which might sound fun to some but I can't sit still, I need adventure and fresh air... and to spend time with people who share my interests. Maybe I'm asking for too much?

 

What I know now is that I don't feel like we have much in common, and that I'm not treating her as a priority like I should be. We are starting to want different things in life (at this point in our life, anyway). I think I've checked out of the relationship, and so I know what I need to do, but... I just can't bring myself to actually break up with her. I chicken out every single time. I know some very hurtful things will be said, I may not have anywhere to go. And so I put it off... but at the same time I can't see things getting better.

 

I wonder whether this anxiety means I actually do love her and should try and make this work no matter how I'm feeling... or if it's just getting in the way of breaking it off.

[d0nnivain]

6 years together is a long time. You are also at a point in your life where marriage & kids are things to be considered seriously. It sounds like things are coming to a head & while you may genuinely care about her, you know deep down she's not the one you want next to you in 25 years.

[heavenonearth]

6 years together is a long time. You are also at a point in your life where marriage & kids are things to be considered seriously. It sounds like things are coming to a head & while you may genuinely care about her, you know deep down she's not the one you want next to you in 25 years.

 

I also think this is possible.

 

My boyfriend was with his ex for 15 years, started dating her when he was 23 and broke up with her when he was 37. You have to imagine that their relationship probably should have ended at least 5 years prior, when he was 32 or so, because that is when he realized she is not the one for the rest of his life... BUT.. it is hard to leave a relationship with someone who you know so well and who you spent such a significant amount of your life with. It is painful to walk away from that, in a sense, I can imagine (although my longest relationship was only 3,5 years, but that was also painful already to walk away from).

 

I think that you really need to evaluate what it is you seek from this relationship, what you seek for your future, and if there is a place for her in it.

 

I personally think you don't need to have everything in common, but a few things are mandatory, if you want to continue a strong bond.

For example, my partner and I have similar tastes in music/movies/arts in general, we have a similar aesthetic (the way we dress, the way we decorate our houses), we both like arty stuff, but hate pretentiousness, we both are very creative and love to travel...

 

He was into cycling, now he made me interested in it and I just took it up myself = me interested in his world.

I am into romantic poetry = he showed interest in my world by ordering books by romantic poets and reading them, to understand me better. I am a vegan = he is cooking vegan meals for me... etc...

 

And you don't always NEED to like what your partner is into, but showing a certain amount of interest, that is what is important, in my opinion.

 

 

I am rambling, but you get the gist.

Hope this helps.

[snowboy91]

I also think this is possible.

 

My boyfriend was with his ex for 15 years, started dating her when he was 23 and broke up with her when he was 37. You have to imagine that their relationship probably should have ended at least 5 years prior, when he was 32 or so, because that is when he realized she is not the one for the rest of his life... BUT.. it is hard to leave a relationship with someone who you know so well and who you spent such a significant amount of your life with. It is painful to walk away from that, in a sense, I can imagine (although my longest relationship was only 3,5 years, but that was also painful already to walk away from).

 

I think that you really need to evaluate what it is you seek from this relationship, what you seek for your future, and if there is a place for her in it.

 

I personally think you don't need to have everything in common, but a few things are mandatory, if you want to continue a strong bond.

For example, my partner and I have similar tastes in music/movies/arts in general, we have a similar aesthetic (the way we dress, the way we decorate our houses), we both like arty stuff, but hate pretentiousness, we both are very creative and love to travel...

 

He was into cycling, now he made me interested in it and I just took it up myself = me interested in his world.

I am into romantic poetry = he showed interest in my world by ordering books by romantic poets and reading them, to understand me better. I am a vegan = he is cooking vegan meals for me... etc...

 

And you don't always NEED to like what your partner is into, but showing a certain amount of interest, that is what is important, in my opinion.

 

 

I am rambling, but you get the gist.

Hope this helps.

 

Thanks for the kind response I think that's part of the problem too - I try to sometimes show an interest in what she does. We have some common ground on TV show preferences but I can't sit down and watch all day, being trapped inside all day actually makes me feel unwell. Board games are also something I'll do with her friends on occasion but I'm not into it enough to make it a hobby.

 

With some of my hobbies she has no interest at all in taking part. Others, she has but doesn't take to them strongly enough to want to do them regularly. Which I think has resulted in us not planning anything because we feel the other is just going along with it to keep things going.

 

Ultimately I do need to sit down with her and discuss all of this. It's just frustrating that I get anxious and try to avoid it again and again - I manage to convince myself that everything is fine before realising what's wrong again.

[Marc878]

Conflict avoidance, being passive aggressive is a horrible life to live.

 

Fix yourself or you'll just wallow.

[heavenonearth]

Thanks for the kind response I think that's part of the problem too - I try to sometimes show an interest in what she does. We have some common ground on TV show preferences but I can't sit down and watch all day, being trapped inside all day actually makes me feel unwell. Board games are also something I'll do with her friends on occasion but I'm not into it enough to make it a hobby.

 

With some of my hobbies she has no interest at all in taking part. Others, she has but doesn't take to them strongly enough to want to do them regularly. Which I think has resulted in us not planning anything because we feel the other is just going along with it to keep things going.

 

Ultimately I do need to sit down with her and discuss all of this. It's just frustrating that I get anxious and try to avoid it again and again - I manage to convince myself that everything is fine before realising what's wrong again.

 

Preferences on tv shows!????????

That’s it?

 

Yeah you need to break up with her.

[olivetree]

I haven't gone through your past threads.

 

Have you actually sat down and talked about your issues?

[snowboy91]

I haven't gone through your past threads.

 

Have you actually sat down and talked about your issues?

 

Yes - The discussion resulted in her storming out of the room a couple of times but we eventually agreed to try and find things to do together. I did put in that effort and we went on a few day trips but it didn't always feel like she was enjoying what we were doing. So I have to try and base our activities on what I know she enjoys, and ignore my own preferences in the process. Which gets really draining and I just end up putting in less effort again, and start spending more time with friends because the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. I think she might feel the same way though without having recognised it - she is super bubbly around her friends and is quick to say yes to things they are organising.

 

We also had a discussion on the lack of intimacy in the relationship about a week ago. She has picked up on the amount of time I spend with friends and said that it seems like we're behaving as housemates, and I never initiate anything. It's true that I've initiated sex a lot less than I used to, my sex drive has almost vanished (really unusual... I always thought it was high). I feel really cornered here - we seem unable to get the quality time together that will hopefully bring back the desire for sex, but it seems like for her she needs the sex to come back so we at least have something.

[basil67]

Snowboy, sorry you're in this situation. My gut feeling is that the anxiety may be due more to fear of hurting her and the drama of the breakup than love.

 

Your relationship sounds a lot like my marriage was before I left. Nothing terrible, just a huge disconnect with each of us wanting such different things from life. The hardest thing for me was to question my belief that I loved him. To be honest, I didn't question it till I was out the door and felt wave of relief rather than grief and knew that the romantic love had gone.

 

With this in mind, have you given yourself permission to question whether or not you truly hold romantic love for her? Posters are fond of saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means that the person has someone else on the side...but I think that's bollocks and simply means you care about them but not in a way strong enough to continue to sustain a relationship.

[Romantic_Antics]

Yes - The discussion resulted in her storming out of the room a couple of times but we eventually agreed to try and find things to do together. I did put in that effort and we went on a few day trips but it didn't always feel like she was enjoying what we were doing. So I have to try and base our activities on what I know she enjoys, and ignore my own preferences in the process. Which gets really draining and I just end up putting in less effort again, and start spending more time with friends because the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. I think she might feel the same way though without having recognised it - she is super bubbly around her friends and is quick to say yes to things they are organising.

 

We also had a discussion on the lack of intimacy in the relationship about a week ago. She has picked up on the amount of time I spend with friends and said that it seems like we're behaving as housemates, and I never initiate anything. It's true that I've initiated sex a lot less than I used to, my sex drive has almost vanished (really unusual... I always thought it was high). I feel really cornered here - we seem unable to get the quality time together that will hopefully bring back the desire for sex, but it seems like for her she needs the sex to come back so we at least have something.

 

A woman's goal in a relationship is to destroy it. It doesn't matter what you do to earn her trust, she will ignore it and remain committed to doing whatever it takes to get a breakup. Without trust you're wasting your time.

Edited June 6, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[heavenonearth]

Yes - The discussion resulted in her storming out of the room a couple of times but we eventually agreed to try and find things to do together. I did put in that effort and we went on a few day trips but it didn't always feel like she was enjoying what we were doing. So I have to try and base our activities on what I know she enjoys, and ignore my own preferences in the process. Which gets really draining and I just end up putting in less effort again, and start spending more time with friends because the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. I think she might feel the same way though without having recognised it - she is super bubbly around her friends and is quick to say yes to things they are organising.

 

We also had a discussion on the lack of intimacy in the relationship about a week ago. She has picked up on the amount of time I spend with friends and said that it seems like we're behaving as housemates, and I never initiate anything. It's true that I've initiated sex a lot less than I used to, my sex drive has almost vanished (really unusual... I always thought it was high). I feel really cornered here - we seem unable to get the quality time together that will hopefully bring back the desire for sex, but it seems like for her she needs the sex to come back so we at least have something.

 

This is not what love is supposed to be like.

Why are you still together with her?

[Els]

Yes - The discussion resulted in her storming out of the room a couple of times but we eventually agreed to try and find things to do together. I did put in that effort and we went on a few day trips but it didn't always feel like she was enjoying what we were doing. So I have to try and base our activities on what I know she enjoys, and ignore my own preferences in the process. Which gets really draining and I just end up putting in less effort again, and start spending more time with friends because the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. I think she might feel the same way though without having recognised it - she is super bubbly around her friends and is quick to say yes to things they are organising.

 

We also had a discussion on the lack of intimacy in the relationship about a week ago. She has picked up on the amount of time I spend with friends and said that it seems like we're behaving as housemates, and I never initiate anything. It's true that I've initiated sex a lot less than I used to, my sex drive has almost vanished (really unusual... I always thought it was high). I feel really cornered here - we seem unable to get the quality time together that will hopefully bring back the desire for sex, but it seems like for her she needs the sex to come back so we at least have something.

 

 

Unfortunately I think both of you have just grown apart - it's a very common thing to happen to couples who get together in their late teens or early twenties. It's a big factor in why most people are advised not to marry young, because you really have to see whether you're growing apart or together before making a lifelong decision like that. At least now you know.

 

 

I empathize and I know it hurts, but it is far kinder to both of you to get out of this now so you can both find compatible partners. There really doesn't seem to be any reason to stay IMO.

[snowboy91]

It went about as badly as I was worried it would. Shock, tears, she begged me to stay. I thought that the last time we argued, she was starting to see that we were drifting apart. Turned out not to be the case, she thought that what we had could conquer whatever disagreements we would have.

 

I know that in the long term, we will heal and move on. But there is a hell of a lot of emotional fallout to deal with in the meantime. And I'm still probably yet to process it. But the pain I'm feeling now is different to what it was in the end of the relationship... it's sad that it's ended but it feels like I know that it will get better.

 

There will probably be more updates in other topics as I process this. Thanks for all your replies.

[Els]

Hugs, OP. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult to leave someone whom you have literally grown up with. However, I agree with you that it is for the better long-term.

 

 

Take care of yourself.

[MissBee]

Snowboy, sorry you're in this situation. My gut feeling is that the anxiety may be due more to fear of hurting her and the drama of the breakup than love.

 

Your relationship sounds a lot like my marriage was before I left. Nothing terrible, just a huge disconnect with each of us wanting such different things from life. The hardest thing for me was to question my belief that I loved him. To be honest, I didn't question it till I was out the door and felt wave of relief rather than grief and knew that the romantic love had gone.

 

With this in mind, have you given yourself permission to question whether or not you truly hold romantic love for her? Posters are fond of saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means that the person has someone else on the side...but I think that's bollocks and simply means you care about them but not in a way strong enough to continue to sustain a relationship.

 

This is such a great post. I agree.

 

I just broke up with someone, it's not the same kind of situation, it's one where I do have romantic love for them and they for me, we're absolutely in love, but at the same time we've come to a crossroads where we either would be more committed and make concrete choices (where to live, etc) towards that end or not. It ended up being that the choice to be committed and the real concrete stuff we want to do with our lives weren't aligning. It's hard in its own way to walk away when the love is strong, but life isn't as easy as just loving someone unfortunately and you do have to consider practicalities and important other life choices.

 

In the OP's situation though, I think it's a different type of scary to perhaps acknowledge that your feelings have changed for a partner and that things aren't working. We all like our comfort zone and change can be so scary, but from the looks of it, I agree that the anxiety isn't about love but probably fear of change and going through the breakup.

 

Breakups are hard, even when you initiate it or know it's right. Trust me. But most of us can say we do live to tell the tale and end up better off for it after the period of heartbreak and grief. And in my experience, dragging a relationship on that is slowly dying or is already dead and where people are simply going through the motions causes more anxiety, stress and a drain than just ripping the bandaid and dealing with the fallout which allows you and the other person to find a better situation that is actually positive and growing.

Edited June 13, 2018 by MissBee

[snowboy91]

This is such a great post. I agree.

 

I just broke up with someone, it's not the same kind of situation, it's one where I do have romantic love for them and they for me, we're absolutely in love, but at the same time we've come to a crossroads where we either would be more committed and make concrete choices (where to live, etc) towards that end or not. It ended up being that the choice to be committed and the real concrete stuff we want to do with our lives weren't aligning. It's hard in its own way to walk away when the love is strong, but life isn't as easy as just loving someone unfortunately and you do have to consider practicalities and important other life choices.

 

In the OP's situation though, I think it's a different type of scary to perhaps acknowledge that your feelings have changed for a partner and that things aren't working. We all like our comfort zone and change can be so scary, but from the looks of it, I agree that the anxiety isn't about love but probably fear of change and going through the breakup.

 

Breakups are hard, even when you initiate it or know it's right. Trust me. But most of us can say we do live to tell the tale and end up better off for it after the period of heartbreak and grief. And in my experience, dragging a relationship on that is slowly dying or is already dead and where people are simply going through the motions causes more anxiety, stress and a drain than just ripping the bandaid and dealing with the fallout which allows you and the other person to find a better situation that is actually positive and growing.

 

The worst part is that she a) didn't seem to see it coming despite the distance between us and the fights, and b) begged me with everything she had for me to stay. It really made me feel like a monster knowing that my feelings had changed in an irreversible way. For myself, staying and trying to make it work would have just led to me losing myself again. But for her, these were just the normal ups and downs of a relationship, nothing that isn't easily fixed.

 

Thanks for your insight!

[ExpatInItaly]

The worst part is that she a) didn't seem to see it coming despite the distance between us and the fights, and b) begged me with everything she had for me to stay. It really made me feel like a monster knowing that my feelings had changed in an irreversible way. For myself, staying and trying to make it work would have just led to me losing myself again. But for her, these were just the normal ups and downs of a relationship, nothing that isn't easily fixed.

 

Thanks for your insight!

 

She saw it coming. She saw there were big problems but probably was in denial about the gravity of the situation, because the reality is very painful.

 

However, you have done the right thing. You knew in your heart that this relationship was over. It will be a big adjustment period for you both, but like you said, it will get better.

[Whodatdog]

It may feel messy now, but it was the best thing for both of you. It is so easy to put a relationship on autopilot. Relationships are supposed to be easier than yours was, and Im sure both of you will find more compatible relationships.

[snowboy91]

It may feel messy now, but it was the best thing for both of you. It is so easy to put a relationship on autopilot. Relationships are supposed to be easier than yours was, and Im sure both of you will find more compatible relationships.

 

I really do hope that she does. Seeing her so upset, and reading other threads here, I get this feeling it will be a very long recovery process for her. The strange part is I feel like I'm recovering really quickly... except when I hear from her. Maybe it just feels like I'm recovering because it's all relative - I'm a lot less anxious now than I was in the lead-up to the breakup, and I can think a bit more clearly. But maybe "better" isn't exactly "good" yet - I'm certainly not ready to date yet, but I'm ready to get back to doing all the things I enjoy. I just need a permanent place to live first - but I'm ready to find that.

[Whodatdog]

You're recovering quickly because it was ultimately what you wanted. She will get over it, too. Not as quickly as you, since she didnt want the break up, but she will get better.

[snowboy91]

I'm just adding this post as a journal type thing.

 

Yesterday I went over to grab the final few things I'd left behind, and to sort out rent, bills etc. Given the nature of texts over the past week, I was expecting her to be in tears all over again. But when I arrived we ended up just talking like old friends might talk, and there was certainly nothing negative about it. She seems to have quickly recognised how we weren't right for each other and understood fully why I had to break it off. She is definitely still hurting but is also getting comfortable with being on her own already - redecorating, planning events the way she wants, etc. Something I don't think she's had the confidence to do for a while.

 

Anyway, long story short it seems like she's healing a lot faster than I expected. She seemed less keen to keep in contact but that's fully understandable at this early stage. I'm just glad she's doing OK, I can stop worrying and move forward.

[heavenonearth]

I'm just adding this post as a journal type thing.

 

Yesterday I went over to grab the final few things I'd left behind, and to sort out rent, bills etc. Given the nature of texts over the past week, I was expecting her to be in tears all over again. But when I arrived we ended up just talking like old friends might talk, and there was certainly nothing negative about it. She seems to have quickly recognised how we weren't right for each other and understood fully why I had to break it off. She is definitely still hurting but is also getting comfortable with being on her own already - redecorating, planning events the way she wants, etc. Something I don't think she's had the confidence to do for a while.

 

Anyway, long story short it seems like she's healing a lot faster than I expected. She seemed less keen to keep in contact but that's fully understandable at this early stage. I'm just glad she's doing OK, I can stop worrying and move forward.

 

It is likely she is “pretending” to be ok in order to not come across as the weak one or as desperate toward you.

 

I certainly have done it in the past after break ups.

[SevenCity]

It is likely she is “pretending” to be ok in order to not come across as the weak one or as desperate toward you.

 

I certainly have done it in the past after break ups.

 

Yep. But it has also alleviated the OP’s guilt.

 

Not that he has anything to feel guilty about.

 

She likely won’t get over this for many, many years.

[Whodatdog]

Yep. But it has also alleviated the OP’s guilt.

 

Not that he has anything to feel guilty about.

 

She likely won’t get over this for many, many years.

 

Thats a little dramatic. She could just as easily meet the man of her dreams in a month or two. Its much easier to meet and get involved with someone when you arent already in a bad relationship.