(M, 30) emotionally abusive. How do I (F, 25) heal? (Narcissim)

[CHOOSEYSUSEY]

How do you heal from a narcisstic abusive relationship?

 

I met a guy while on vacation, he instantly swept me off my feet by being extremely charming. Basically mimicking my dream guy. I had recently left another emotional abusive relationship (4+ years) 6 months prior meeting this new guy. I was hesitant letting him in because I was enjoying being single, and just going through life with a new head on my shoulders. He convinced me that he was the one for me, totally ignoring my concerns, and so I let him in. The relationship progressed at the speed of lighting, not enough time to even process everything fully. Now that I think about it he never even took the time to truly know me for me.

 

Fast forward to now, we spent 6-7 months together in a relationship. It started off long distance as we met while on a trip of mine. He was instantly hooked to me and actually booked a flight to my home city within less of month of us talking. I noticed red flags as he would always talk about previous accomplishments, send me pictures of when he body used to be well built (MULTIPLE at a time), professing his love for me so quickly and always asking if I'm falling in love with him or do I miss him yet? Actually he wouldn't even ask... he would say "Tell me..." I ignored it all.

 

The city he lived in actually happened to be the very city I wished to move in for better quality of life, and also dream and aspiration purposes. So I'm thinking in my head, I found my dream guy in my dream city, it's perfect. He wanted me to move in with him right away, I rejected the offer seeing we don't know each other well. He actually had got very upset about it. But for obvious reasons, I thought it was weird. Well, later on I caved in and biggest mistake ever made...

 

He completely lied about his personality and embellished his life. There were red flags in the beginning (actually HUGE) within just 2 months of us speaking but I obviously ignored them. He is a 30 year old man newly emigrant to the country who lives with his pregnant 23 year old sister (8 months) who aids him in EVERYTHING. He doesn't have a room so he has a mattress on the floor and keeps his belongings in the linen closet. His name is not on the lease, nor the utility bills and he has never lived alone in this country. He works 7 days a week, has no social life, wakes up, works, goes to sleep and does it all over again. He made no time for me while we lived together and living with his sister changed the dynmanic of our relationship. I stupidly paid for the month I was staying there with the two.

 

He would takes jabs at my personality and also he seemed as though he was watching me carefully and putting me to the test to see if I am a good fit for him. IE, watching carefully how I wash dishes, sweep the floor, cook, clean the bathroom, pay bills, etc. Meanwhile he doesn't do any of this himself. I have experience of living alone so I know ALL of this. He has his sister take care of him and show him the way.

 

I became aware that he is just looking for any woman to live with him because he's been alone forever and so he conned me from the beginning with his sweet charm. He tried to make me seem like I am irresponsible, weak, unknowledgeable, etc overtime. When in reality that's how he feels about himself. I never thought that about myself until he put it into my mind over time. When he saw that I am not going to be his servant that's when he discarded me and said I am no good. But what about you telling me you loved and cared for me, saw a future together, even showed me off to his family? My head was spinning with confusion. Then he dropped the bomb on me and revealed his secret motive. He sacrificed everything for his dear beloved cousin (seems like he's in love with him) and had a plan to take me to his homeland to marry his cousin so he can bring him back to the US so they can be happy together. Crazy, right?! He put me through so much emotional abuse, words can't eevn explain. He really only cared about himself from the beginning. I helped him with so much and gained nothing in return.

 

We are over and I flew back home to clear my mind. But I stilm have moments of anger and shame inside of me. How could a person be so evil? The latest news he has a new girl all of a sudden. We officially separated less than a week ago. He says she is prettier, more intelligent and responsible than me. That she is willing to take on the role of a wife and mother in the near future and that I meant nothing to him, I was just a step for him to get ahead but I wasn't fast enough for him. My guess is he is conning her like he did me because he realizes he's getting older and still has nothing to show much for it in life and also his baby sister is giving birth soon and she wants her space to herseld again. So he's quickly charming any woman he could find to use and abuse later, con her into living together since he can't live alone and theb reveal his true self sooner than later since he can't keep up the act for too long, if she doesn't comply with his game she's out the door like I was. True physco $h*t!

 

How do I get over this emotional abuse that I have endured for 7 months? My head is spinning. I just want to heal.

 

tl;dr: Met a man while vacationing, swept me off my feet and charmed me, extreme progression and pressure. Long distance relationship turned into a relationship together in the same city. Man conned me into being an aide for him since he lacks experience of handling things on his own, doesn't have anything to show for his age so he's insecure, tried to con me into marrying his cousin in his homeland, spinned it on me to make me seem selfish. Projected his own insecurities on me, I gave more in the relationship and all he did was take. Discardes me as if I meant nothing. Left with the damage. How do I heal?

[magnesium]

First thing you want to do is to be sure to keep him out of your life forever. I have a feeling you will already do that. These narcissist types always circle back at a later time to see if they still have their hooks in you.

 

As for the healing, it's going to take time. You have been essentially mind-fudged, and I know you will be kicking yourself for seeing the red flags, but not doing anything about it.

 

It's a phase, you will be very angry and lost for a while. You will feel lots of powerful negative emotions, and lots of rage. While this may feel abnormal, it's actually a perfectly normal response to an abnormal situation. That is key for you to understand.

 

Toxic relationships can actually cause temporary brain damage. Fortunately, all of the effects can be reversed, and many people actually come out the other side stronger and wiser.

 

Joining a narcissistic abuse support group can help get you educated, and learning about where your boundaries need to be strengthened is vital. Many of us never actually had good boundaries to begin with, and that's why the narcissist pretty much walked all over us.

 

Once you realize how poor your boundaries were, you may begin to realize there are other people in your life who also violate your boundaries, though not as extreme as how the narcissist did. It's a real eye-opener.

 

To give you some perspective, it took me around 20 months to heal most of the effects of damage my last narcissistic relationship caused. Now I still have thoughts at times, but it doesn't bother me.

 

To give you direction on healing, join a support group, and educate yourself about narcissistic abuse, as educating yourself will validate your experiences (you have been invalidated a lot by the narcissist) and this education will reduce your cognitive dissonance. Try your best to eat healthy, exercise, hang out with safe people, find a new hobby, etc.

Edited June 1, 2018 by magnesium

[Romantic_Antics]

How do you heal from a narcisstic abusive relationship?

 

It's going to be the hardest break up you've ever had. I don't say that to be negative, I say it to prepare you since I was completely unprepared for mine and how long it was going to take for me to get over it.

 

My ex was a narcissistic abuser as well only I'm a guy, and a muscular one too, so I kept it to myself for months. It didn't help that I'd just relocated to a new state so I had to basically weather the entire storm by myself and with a little bit of help from this site, but even then I kept the narcissistic abuse part to myself for a very long time before I finally made a post about it.

 

So my first bit of advice is to continue talking to people about it, including a therapist as that might help you the most. When a narcissist discards you it is to punish you because you've seen through them - you've called them out for their bull**** - and they *have to* disappear in order to keep the facade intact. You've seen who they really are through the illusions and they hate you for it. Why? Because they never really loved you in the first place. They love bombed you and got you to fall in love with this wonderful, perfect, marriage worthy person, but they are so insecure that they then resort to devaluing you to try to "keep you in check". They insult you for no reason, tear you down, blame you if you get upset with them or confront them about it, and even start to fade you out of their life only to pull you back in and start the whole process over again.

 

It's so draining, confusing , and manipulative that it leaves you with some pretty lasting scars. It leaves you wondering wtf just happened and even blaming yourself as you get no answers, only silence.

 

In addition to talking about it as often as you need to, exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, write/keep a journal, find a new hobby, date yourself for awhile, and date others as soon as possible, but not before you've had some time to heal. You won't be fully healed when you go on that next date, but it's imperative that you go on it. If you go on several more dates and you really like the person, that is the moment your healing will be complete and you can finally put this scumbag behind you for good.

 

That was my process and I'm confident it will work for you too. Hang in there.

[escapedmelody]

I'm sorry that you had to endure such a terrible relationship, but I'm glad that you stood up for yourself. It hurts now, but you'll be glad that the relationship ended because you'll realize that you didn't deserve to be treated that way. You did the right thing to walk away. He's a loser, and YOU ARE AN AWESOME PERSON!!

 

 

First, cut off contact with him. Then, grieve: cry, get angry, don't keep your emotions in. Talk to someone you trust, a friend, family member, therapist. Don't keep anything in because it'll make you feel more terrible.

 

 

Once you're not emotional anymore, work on yourself. Exercise, eat well, do things that you couldn't do before when you were with him.

 

 

Ultimately, you want to learn from this experience and better yourself for your next relationship. It's going to be tough, but everyone's been through a breakup and has come out stronger than before. And you will too.

[littleblackheart]

Adding to the chorus of support, I will also tell you these breakups are traumatic and will tear you apart for a while.

 

My relationship with my exH took 15 years from meetup to final decree of divorce. It took me 3 years to gather the strength to leave him (after ALOT of back and forth) .

 

I'm almost 4 years post-divorce and still not quite there yet. I still feel sick at the thought of having chosen him as a life partner (I only ever wanted one, he knew it and took full advantage) and I don't think I'll ever fully heal. I've accepted that and I see it as a good thing; a reminder to always listen to my instincts.

 

I have kids with him so I'll never be rid of him. Some days are better than others. I sometimes still relive periods of my life as if it was yesterday as they are still raw. Take full advantage of the fact that you won't ever have to see him again.

 

I agree with those who said to talk about it to as many people (that you trust) as they can. It'll help aleviate the guilt and the sense or powerlessness and feeling of isolation you're left with. My support network (sisters on call pretty much 24/7, good friends to vent to and obviously 2 gorgeous kids) was a huge help in seeing me through the dark times.

 

People who went through the same experience (almost like a scrpit) also help put things in perspective.

 

But you know what, it gets so much better - owning back your life, your sanity, your sense of self is worth the price of going through this hard spell of constantly questioning yourself.

 

You'll come through - don't doubt that.

[BaileyB]

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest that you find a good counsellor.

 

There is clearly a pattern of behavior here. It's not so much about these men and what they have done, as it is about your inability to see the warning signs (and they were big, flashing, neon signs in this last relationship) and your willingness to let these men into your life.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 1, 2018 by BaileyB

[Rockdad]

When I got out my narcissistic abusive relationship it was like a ton of weight lifted immediatly off. The anger you feel I sure do understand. It took a while and a lot of coaching from my girlfriend for me to let somethings go. Two things I have never managed to let go. I am still embarrassed of myself for getting in it and putting up with it for 17 yrs then having to deal with Satan's bride another 17 yrs due to the kids. The second thing is extreme HATE.

 

 

 

Thank goodness you got out in 7 months! I have such empathy and sympathy for you living it and recovering from it. If you hang around here you will read of others staying in these types of relationships no matter what advice is presented to them. They don't understand the freedom that comes from leaving and I too feel bad for them for deciding that. I also want to slam my hand in a car door when they reach out for help only to continue living in the mess and not change a thing.