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Is there one person you just can't get over?


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Coming up to about 9 months since we ended.

Since then i didn't date again until january, just casually. Found myself unfairly comparing between them.

 

Then i didn't really bother until about 2 months ago where i began talking to someone who "ticked every box". I know i have feelings for her and she reciprocated. Prior ti speaking to her, i was sure i was over my ex. Sure i missed her from time to time but that's just normal.

 

Then a couple weeks ago it hit me that I'm not over her at all, i don't know what triggered it; conversation with a friend i think and i realised i would still want to try and work things out with her. I had to let the girl i was seeing know. Initially, i thought it was just a phase and would go but its been stronger now. She didn't take it too well but that's understandable. The worst part is i feel like i threw away something good because i still have feelings for my ex a little, even when i know there is absolutely no chance she's coming back. Is there that one person that's just hard to get over for everyone? I.e the one that got away

 

Previous exes i think about now and then but i don't miss them at all but with her, its still a little tough.

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Just curious did you ever get any hard reasons as to why she suddenly ended the relationship after 2 years? That's a hard pill to swallow and I'd say it makes it normal that even at 9 months you're still thinking of her. Truth is though it's over and you either need to seek help, or reach out to her and see her reject you again to get more validation. Either way I feel you bc I've been there.

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In nearly every breakup, there's one who wanted to break up and one who didn't. But moving on has more to do with self-discipline and maturity than anything. You're the only one who can make yourself change and get over it. You have to use self-discipline and you have to accept things. You have to know you can't always get what you want, which your parents should teach you but sometimes don't. You have to know that if you want her but she doesn't want you, that she knows BETTER than you. She has information you don't have that tells her you are not a match, no matter that you think you are. That's where respect comes in. You have to respect her decision and accept that she is right and you are perhaps in the dark but that doesn't make you correct.

 

Only you can stop it from messing up your life going forward. Good luck.

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Just curious did you ever get any hard reasons as to why she suddenly ended the relationship after 2 years? That's a hard pill to swallow and I'd say it makes it normal that even at 9 months you're still thinking of her. Truth is though it's over and you either need to seek help, or reach out to her and see her reject you again to get more validation. Either way I feel you bc I've been there.

 

At the time she said its because we were "at different mental places" and it was pretty much out the blue. We'd just been on our first holiday and had booked anotjer for Christmas so it was definitively strange. A few weeks later i found out she was seeing someone else and even though that was hard to take , it made moving on easier ( or so i thought) as i pretty much had a reason now. I guess the fact she was one of my closest friends for 6 years prior to the relationship too is making it harder for me.

 

How did you deal with it if you don't mind me asking?

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In nearly every breakup, there's one who wanted to break up and one who didn't. But moving on has more to do with self-discipline and maturity than anything. You're the only one who can make yourself change and get over it. You have to use self-discipline and you have to accept things. You have to know you can't always get what you want, which your parents should teach you but sometimes don't. You have to know that if you want her but she doesn't want you, that she knows BETTER than you. She has information you don't have that tells her you are not a match, no matter that you think you are. That's where respect comes in. You have to respect her decision and accept that she is right and you are perhaps in the dark but that doesn't make you correct.

 

Only you can stop it from messing up your life going forward. Good luck.

 

I agree with everything you said. When i found out about her new partner, i wasn't angry or anything, a little down sure, but if anything i am happy for her.

The rest of my life is in a good place, I've found new hobbies, new friends, I've been working in the gym harder than ever and I've been studying hard for my exams. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to someone about it

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I agree with everything you said. When i found out about her new partner, i wasn't angry or anything, a little down sure, but if anything i am happy for her.

The rest of my life is in a good place, I've found new hobbies, new friends, I've been working in the gym harder than ever and I've been studying hard for my exams. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to someone about it

 

Working out helps dissipate the anger and tension and keep it from affecting your body at least. It's a release. You sound like you're on the road to getting through it. It wouldn't hurt to talk about it IF you feel you haven't already thought it to death and that there's more to mine, but sometimes what you need to do is stop thinking about it more and more each day rather than concentrating on it. I say unless you're having bad problems with depression, which doesn't sound that bad because you sound fully functioning, then you get help, but as long as you're functioning, unless you just want to go somewhere and blow off steam about it, I saw devote less time to thinking about her each passing day. You certainly do not have to be happy for her. The goal is to stop caring very much what she's up to.

 

If this isn't a recurring problem which would indicate that maybe you are attracting wrong women for you, and it's really just a single instance like this, I don't necessarily think it's something you need to fix, other than to stop focusing on her and move on. If you're religious, you might ask your religious leader to pray for your rapid healing. Or just pray it to yourself, which is a way of affirming that you want to heal and move forward and not get stuck in place. If you're lonely, maybe get a pet sometime in the near future. The love they give every day can be your sunshine, believe me. I had one that saved me, that's for sure.

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In nearly every breakup, there's one who wanted to break up and one who didn't. But moving on has more to do with self-discipline and maturity than anything. You're the only one who can make yourself change and get over it. You have to use self-discipline and you have to accept things. You have to know you can't always get what you want, which your parents should teach you but sometimes don't. You have to know that if you want her but she doesn't want you, that she knows BETTER than you. She has information you don't have that tells her you are not a match, no matter that you think you are. That's where respect comes in. You have to respect her decision and accept that she is right and you are perhaps in the dark but that doesn't make you correct.

 

Only you can stop it from messing up your life going forward. Good luck.

 

Great eye-opening point.

 

For me, I've gotten over all my exes. I'm still healing from my most recent relationship and at times do have moments of pain but am able to function and focus on my life for the most part just fine now.

 

I used to always feel like I wouldn't be okay again after a breakup. Eventually with enough time and the right mix of leisure, self-development, and grieving, I'd come to realize I was wrong. Understanding of self and the situation helps piece together the bigger picture and helps us quiet the pain down when it comes. As Preraph mentioned, the rest is discipline; making sure you have purpose, setting your goals and sticking to them and doing what you need to be doing to help you move forward.

 

And though we never really return back to who we were, it's important to remember we are always changing anyway from all the experiences we have in our day to day life.

 

- Beach

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The only person I wouldn't get over as such, as in wouldn't stop desiring to be with her, would be the one I was with.

 

Its futile to want to be with someone you broke up with, the relationship was quite simply not meant to be which is why it broke.

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Just curious did you ever get any hard reasons as to why she suddenly ended the relationship after 2 years? That's a hard pill to swallow and I'd say it makes it normal that even at 9 months you're still thinking of her. Truth is though it's over and you either need to seek help, or reach out to her and see her reject you again to get more validation. Either way I feel you bc I've been there.

 

I still get some pangs from an ex who ended it a couple of years ago. Although we were in a relationship of about 9 years.

 

I think Mac's point is key. I've wondered myself why although I've essentially moved on and functioning reasonably well, she usually enters my mind at some point... usually when I try out a new relationship etc.

 

When my ex left, she dumped me and gave zero reasons for it. Just left. Actually there was a 3rd person involved but did try to ask her why and all I got was that she "had some thinking time".

 

I've thought about it over the years and I think had she given me some reasons, that would have helped considerably. I realise its hard to tell someone the reasons you don't want them in your life but I think you do need to give the dumpee something. That helps lead to healing and forgiveness.

 

After a year of NC, she bread crumbed me for 12 months. I never replied. The way I see it, she gave me no reasons for the BU so I decided there's no need to give her reasons for why I'm not talking to her.

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At the time she said its because we were "at different mental places" and it was pretty much out the blue.

 

That means nothing and isn't a solid reason.

 

Although if I had to interpret it, I would say she was suggesting your drive to succeed (to better your life) was lower than hers.

 

I would say that's the most common reason women dump men. I've had exes tell me that was their reason when i saw them years later. Funny thing was, one of them had no job , pulled out of uni and I was supporting her but apparently she had a higher drive for life (go figure). Once the love fades, they will find any reason to justify the decision in their heads.

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That means nothing and isn't a solid reason.

 

Although if I had to interpret it, I would say she was suggesting your drive to succeed (to better your life) was lower than hers.

 

I would say that's the most common reason women dump men. I've had exes tell me that was their reason when i saw them years later. Funny thing was, one of them had no job , pulled out of uni and I was supporting her but apparently she had a higher drive for life (go figure). Once the love fades, they will find any reason to justify the decision in their heads.

 

I thought that's what she meant too, but given that i had just started medical school, was playing for sports teams on the side, i don't know how much more drive i could have had at that time in my life.

 

Your final sentence is very true though. To them it probably seems like a good enough reason because they've already checked out the relationship

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That means nothing and isn't a solid reason.

 

Although if I had to interpret it, I would say she was suggesting your drive to succeed (to better your life) was lower than hers.

 

I would say that's the most common reason women dump men. I've had exes tell me that was their reason when i saw them years later. Funny thing was, one of them had no job , pulled out of uni and I was supporting her but apparently she had a higher drive for life (go figure). Once the love fades, they will find any reason to justify the decision in their heads.

 

That is a straight up fact.

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No idea of the future but so far all business was finished, things wound down right to the end, goodbyes said and that's that. However, I have noticed one thing, and often; apparently if/when a man mentions an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend in anything but a derogatory manner, women seem to think he's still not 'over' her. Seen that many, many times.

 

I personally don't agree with that assessment, rather feel that once one has reached a neutral state one can experience memories of their past life and enjoy the positive ones without having any attachment to the person they shared them with, like a spouse or girlfriend or lover, etc. Anyway, having been around awhile, it's something I've noticed enough, including from female friends/male friend's wives, to comment on.

 

I do notice that the guys I know who are married (again) will rarely or never mention an ex-spouse even if they have children with them. It's like the name is erased from existence. Perhaps that's why they're married and I'm not anymore. Gotta know how to play the game.

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Art_Critic
Is there one person you just can't get over?

Yeah.. myself :laugh:

 

There isn't anybody from my past that I wasn't able to get over, most rather quickly but many years ago there was one that I had a tough time getting over and it was only a 6 month relationship and truth be told she wasn't all that and was kinda a mean person IRL..

 

The issue was the amount of loss I had in my life during that time was just too much to handle and I refused to get over her.

I had lost my Grandmother, my Stepmother, my Grandfather and my Dog all in about a one or so year period, on top of that I went thru a divorce..

 

So when I broke up with this girl I just felt like I didn't want anymore loss in my life and I held on to her till I could better handle it...

The good thing is I got my basement reno finished working thru it all...

 

Time fixes all, if you are having a tough time getting over someone it might be something else going on in your life not allowing you to move forward and when the time is right you will...

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OP, is this referring to the girl you wrote about in your first thread?

 

Yeah, same person.

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No idea of the future but so far all business was finished, things wound down right to the end, goodbyes said and that's that. However, I have noticed one thing, and often; apparently if/when a man mentions an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend in anything but a derogatory manner, women seem to think he's still not 'over' her. Seen that many, many times.

 

I personally don't agree with that assessment, rather feel that once one has reached a neutral state one can experience memories of their past life and enjoy the positive ones without having any attachment to the person they shared them with, like a spouse or girlfriend or lover, etc. Anyway, having been around awhile, it's something I've noticed enough, including from female friends/male friend's wives, to comment on.

 

I do notice that the guys I know who are married (again) will rarely or never mention an ex-spouse even if they have children with them. It's like the name is erased from existence. Perhaps that's why they're married and I'm not anymore. Gotta know how to play the game.

 

That's quite an interesting insight. I agree with your first statement; once a person can speak about an ex partner without any emotion, its a pretty good place to be at.

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Yeah.. myself :laugh:

 

There isn't anybody from my past that I wasn't able to get over, most rather quickly but many years ago there was one that I had a tough time getting over and it was only a 6 month relationship and truth be told she wasn't all that and was kinda a mean person IRL..

 

The issue was the amount of loss I had in my life during that time was just too much to handle and I refused to get over her.

I had lost my Grandmother, my Stepmother, my Grandfather and my Dog all in about a one or so year period, on top of that I went thru a divorce..

 

So when I broke up with this girl I just felt like I didn't want anymore loss in my life and I held on to her till I could better handle it...

The good thing is I got my basement reno finished working thru it all...

 

Time fixes all, if you are having a tough time getting over someone it might be something else going on in your life not allowing you to move forward and when the time is right you will...

 

I'm glad you were able to come through all that loss and come out well on the other side! On a side note, it kind of puts everything in perspective.

 

I'm hoping that time does help. I've realised that i don't really want a relationship for a while. I'm pretty happy with tbe progress I've made in different areas of my life and i want thst to continue.

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Let me analyze this question... you've asked it because of a fairy tale, gooey romantic notion that there's one special person for everyone and if you can't forget them you've lost 'the one' and will pine away for eternity.

 

I've brooded over people for quite some time but I always get over it. There is no 'one' special person out there. Everyone you meet is just that... someone you met once. They hold no special, mystical meaning nor will you spend the rest of your life with regrets unless you choose to live with that person forever in a fantasy world.

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Romantic_Antics

Somebody better always comes along, whether it's months or years later. When you do meet that special person -- that soul mate that's out there just waiting to be found -- you'll be able to look back on heartbreaks like this and appreciate that they were a necessary step toward helping you find the person you were ultimately destined to be with.

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Yeah, same person.

 

For the relationships I lost, sometimes I still blame myself. I remind myself I gave my best and they left. Not much else could have been done except pretend to be someone else.

 

When they want to be with you, they stay. Whatever you two shared was not compatible with what she wanted in her life. So what you miss about this girl is probably what you wanted her to be. What you hoped the relationship could have been as well. Not what actually was.

 

Hence, it was a situation that had 0 potential. Even if she came back, there's nowhere for you two to go.

 

Embracing the new means potential. Possibilities for something better.

 

Between the two options, I choose embracing the new.

 

- Beach

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