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Should we keep trying or is it over?


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My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me completely out of the blue on Sunday. He came to visit me (weÂ’re long distance) and we were having a great day and were joking and laughing all day and I kept thinking ‘I haven’t been this happy in so long’.

 

I brought something up about our future and suddenly he said he just doesnÂ’t love me enough to marry me and he doesn’t find me attractive and hasn’t for two of the three years we’ve been dating. He had a list on his phone of things I did wrong and that annoyed him and he had a lot of valid points but he wrote it in a very cruel way. He had also brought everything I had at his house with him when he drove down to see me and he wouldn’t be staying because he booked a hotel that night. I was completely blind sided and shattered. I was still on a high from what a fun day we had had and what he was saying just wasn't computing so I begged him to reconsider and he said we could give it a few weeks.

 

Last night, I talked to him on the phone and he admitted that a lot of the things he said were exaggerated so I would accept the breakup. He said he wasn't attracted to me but he actually still was but it wasn't the butterflies when we first started dating. This is his first relationship so I think he equated infatuation with being in love. When he was trying to break up with me, he said he had been feeling bad about our relationship for six months but when we talked again, he admitted it had only been about a month and it was all based on one particular week when I visited his house. During that time, I had a lot going on in my personal life and was very depressed. His mother was also quite rude to me which I later found out was because she was very sick and felt poorly and she has apologized to me for multiple times since. I do admit I was incredibly difficult while I was there and said a lot of things to him I regret but that week was very uncharacteristic of how I usually am.

 

When we talked last night, he made a lot of valid points about how I was acting and things I could change that I would want to work on regardless of whether we stay together or not. He said the main reason he wanted to break up was because he was worried about my plan for the future which he thought was set in stone for me. I think he didn't realized when I talk about the future, I kinda just dream out loud and I don't really care all that much if it happens exactly how I plan. I also thought he was very chill and go with the flow so I assumed he would rather have me plan and be along for the ride. I didn't realized he had such strong opinions on things because he never voiced them. If he had, I would have definitely listened because I love him and I care very much about what he has to say. After a long talk where we addressed a lot of issues we had been skirting over, he was sorry about a lot of things he said and the way he tried to break up with me and said he wanted to work on the relationship and think we have a future together. Since, he has been making a huge effort and texting me way more than usual and has been really sweet.

 

So after this whirlwind, I guess I'm just not really sure what to think. I do still love him and I think we are usually so great together but he exaggerated problems so I would accept the break up and he said a lot of really hurtful things. I think there is so much good in our relationship to salvage but I'm also worried we are too far gone. Sorry for the long rant but does anyone have any advice?

Edited by lexo
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ItsJustMyOpinion

You have 2 choices:

 

Go after him and tell him how much he means to you and try to win him over, or simply move on and work on yourself. The latter option will obviously be emotionally painful as this isn't what you wanted, but after enough time passes, you will be quite alright!

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He put a great deal of thought & planning into this break up It wasn't a sudden spur of the moment emotional reaction for him. Accordingly, as much as you feel blindsided by him & annoyed that he exaggerated some points, I think it's a finality for him.

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ExpatInItaly
He put a great deal of thought & planning into this break up It wasn't a sudden spur of the moment emotional reaction for him. Accordingly, as much as you feel blindsided by him & annoyed that he exaggerated some points, I think it's a finality for him.

 

All of the above, but especially the bolded.

 

He planned to end it with you, and evidently had been thinking about it for a long time. While you were trucking along thinking everything was fine, he was writing out a list of all the things he doesn't like about you. That is awful, but it speaks volumes about where his heart is at. This wasn't a sudden decision for him, and he only took it back when he saw how hurt you are.

 

I would move on. He's been checked out for too long and I can just about promise this will happen again.

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Lotsgoingon

Anytime someone has said something like this to me ... even if they backed off at the moment ... or anytime I said something like this to a partner ... even if I later backed off ... the feelings were real.

 

he said he just doesn’t love me enough to marry me and he doesn’t find me attractive and hasn’t for two of the three years we’ve been dating.

 

Game over right there ... I once dated a woman who said something like this to me ... that she wasn't all that attracted to me ... but she really liked me ... I pushed past this ... a few months later she dumps me ... Her reason: she wasn't all that attracted to me.

 

I also once dated a woman who was pretty and sexy ... but from the git-go, I always felt like she was a friend ... I could not explain it ... That feeling NEVER went away ...

 

Never pursue a relationship with someone who says they're not attracted to you ... No one says that by accident. I don't care how much sex you've had.

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I do think he expected the carefree lust to last forever. I don't think he's ready for a mature warts and all relationship. He may think there's someone out there who will always be what it was in the beginning, but there's not. One either matures or one doesn't. I'm not into being together with warts and all either, so I understand it on his part. It's good you talked, but do you want someone who you now know really wanted out? I mean, if he comes back, it will likely be on his terms now, and even worse for you, but I hope I'm wrong. Take it slow wading back in with him. If he shows any more disrespect, understand those thoughts didn't come out of the ether. They came from his brain.

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