Breaking up with boyfriend of 7 years share same friend group

[kellbello]

I recently BU with my boyfriend of 7 years in February. We had been together since we were 16 and essentially grew up together. We stayed together while I went off to college and started to get rocky my Junior year. He wanted an open relationship which worked while we were away and we remained together.

 

As I went into my last semester, I wanted a break because the open relationship made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't like being on a date with another guy and then receiving texts from my "boyfriend." I felt awkward.

 

This semester was difficult for me, I missed him every day and felt immense regret and guilt. I missed my best friend.

 

After I graduated and moved home this last December, I reached out to him and he was open to fixing things with me. He expressed that in his mind it was over for good and was very surprised that I still wanted to be with him, which hurt me a lot, but I realize you can't control how other people feel or receive your actions.

 

Things were going better, we had discussed areas in our relationship we wanted to work on, but I started to freak out. Suddenly the length of our relationship begun to weigh on me. I wanted to be with other people. I didn't understand where our relationship was headed. I felt like we were missing out on being young dumb 20-some-things.

 

I expressed my thoughts, because in the past I had always held things in and in an effort to be in a healthier relationship, I shared all of this.

 

He took this as a break up and we didn't speak for two weeks...and eventually I reached out wondering what the f*** just happened. We went out for a drink and everything felt better, I missed him and it was like a breath of fresh air to be around him again.

 

We went back to his place, and he expressed that he was sad because he felt like he couldn't be affectionate given the unknown status of our relationship.

 

This is sort of where the **** really hit the fan and we completely broke up. I told him I wanted to see other people and no longer wanted to be in a serious relationship, and with him, it's going to be serious given how long we'd been together.

 

It's been about 3 months since this happened, and we see each other some what often because we have the same group of friends. All of his friends are my friends and vice versa.

 

The first month was okay, I felt like this was for the best... but now I think about him everyday, I think about what a piece of s**t I am for leaving him without trying to work things out. I worry that I broke up with my best friend for the wrong reasons.

 

Recently, whenever I do see him I get extremely emotional afterwards. These encounters always leave me in tears. I miss him, so I want to see him but when I do my heart breaks.

 

What does this mean? Is this normal to feel this way? I want to tell him how I feel but I don't think it's fair for him. I don't want to get back together to do this to him all over again. I know I need to take my time to think, but I feel like I need to express my guilt, or apologize for being so wishy-washy. I feel horrible everyday and miss him terribly I just don't know where to go from here.

[ExpatInItaly]

It means you are sad and hurt that the relationship is over. And yes, it's completely normal to feel this way. You two have only really known each other and now that it's ended, you're learning how to really be on your own for the first time as a single adult.

 

I don't think it was actually you who ultimately brought about the end, though. It was likely over the moment he suggested opening up the relationship. You said you weren't comfortable with that, and there's a reason: you didn't want to date others, while he evidently did. Don't forget that.

[marky00]

Not fair the way you are acting.

 

Its like you miss him but then every time you go back and he shows a vulnerability, you then push him away again.

 

Your doing a lot of push/pull and acting somewhat selfish in my opinion.

 

Can't tell you exactly what to do here but stop doing what you are doing at present. It isn't doing anyone any favours.

[marky00]

 

I don't think it was actually you who ultimately brought about the end, though. It was likely over the moment he suggested opening up the relationship. You said you weren't comfortable with that, and there's a reason: you didn't want to date others, while he evidently did. Don't forget that.

 

Depends. He might have suggested an open relationship as a form of bargaining if he felt he was losing her. Hard to know without the full context.

 

And the reason she felt awkward about the open relationship was most likely because she started to feel guilty that she was actually enjoying it, especially the freedom of it.

[kellbello]

The open relationship basically came about when I asked when he was going to come visit. He responded with I don't think I want to visit, let's see other people and continue to stay in touch via text.

[ExpatInItaly]

The open relationship basically came about when I asked when he was going to come visit. He responded with I don't think I want to visit, let's see other people and continue to stay in touch via text.

 

Yes, I had the impression it wasn't your idea and you didn't like it very much.

 

At a guess, he had someone else already in mind at that point. Is that accurate? Did you date others as well?

[kellbello]

I don't think he did have someone in mind. I think he went on a few tinder dates. He slept with 2 other people during these periods of open relationships/breaks. He told me he didn't enjoy it as much as he did being with me. I started sleeping with a friend and still sleep with him sometimes, but we don't live in the same city and I don't have feelings for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like this relationship has probably run its course after 7 years, but since you are both so familiar to each other, you are having trouble letting go.

 

My question would be this: what has really changed for him (and you) that would make a reconciliation more feasible this time around? What would you both do differently?