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Blindsided and heartbroken


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I apologize if what I am about to type has a lot of typos/rambling. In the last 24 hours, I have gotten 30 minutes of sleep. I started dating a girl in February; quite honestly the nicest person I have ever encountered. I never had any serious relationships in college and at the age of 25, I thought it was time to pursue one. She was 5 years older than me. She had been in two prior relationships and both ended due to the man showing her lack of respect by cheating or pursuing other women during their relationship. Things were progressing great. She said she loved me, I loved her. We literally never fought one time and that still holds true to this day. We hung out all the time, I'd sleep at her apartment, she'd sleep at my apartment, we'd go on walks/runs together, go to the movies, and do all the exciting dating stuff. I was constantly complimented on how nice I was and how respectful I was to her. She would always tell me she felt "stable" when I was around her. At the start of May, I had my parents come to visit me to celebrate my mom's birthday and they meet the girl I was dating. They all got along great and were complimentary of each other. I thought this was a good step meeting my parents. Last Friday, we hung out all night and she told me she had to attend a friend's birthday party for their little girl. She invited me to go, but I had to work that Saturday and couldn't. I didn't hear from her after the party and she barely communicated with me via text until Wednesday when she unloaded a wave of emotions. She had doubts about us going forward because of an uneasy feeling she had inside. I don't know if it was due to my job, I make about 40K a year right now and I didn't know if that wasn't enough. What could the uneasy feeling be? We both lived in apartments but we always talked about getting a house together, getting married one day, etc.

I told her kids would be 100% up to her and I'd support whatever path she chose. I was as supportive and caring as one can be because I knew what she'd been through and I really cared for her. Anyways, we meet up Thursday night she decides she wants to ride it out with me. We hug 1000x, kiss 1000x, things seem great and back on.

 

I spend the night at her place Friday night. Things seemed great, were talking about planning vacations and trips together and she tells me her good friend is having a celebration of life on Saturday and she wants me to attend and meet all her friends for the first time. The celebration of life was for her friend's baby that died :(

 

I think that sounds great and I get it worked out to where I work just half a day and have plenty of time to attend this event in the evening. She makes me breakfast, we kiss, I leave and go to work. I text her to thank her for the breakfast and don't get a text back. That's ok. I am just about to leave work when I go grab my phone and see a essay text message on it. She knew my schedule and knew i'd be at work when I received this text. The text was the breakup text. She claimed she still had uneasy feelings about me and just wasn't ready for the step to meet her friends because that's a "huge step" and thanked me for my "honest love" and said she has nothing negative to say about me. I was perfect and as nice and respectful as a guy can possibly be and she hopes we find happiness one day which confused me, because I thought we did. Anyways, the majority of her text consists of compliments of me which is confusing and ends with her saying she's just too uneasy about our relationship as a life long relationship and doesn't want to hurt me. I was annoyed, but not mean and replied back that I wish she could have called me or talked to me face to face instead of loading that on me in a work environment where I am now not only too distraught to work but to drive home. My coworker saw the ghost like look on my face when I read and immediately said I should go home. It was painful as hell.

 

So, again, I apologize for my long rambling that'll probably bore most of you. It just feels good to get it out there. I am just left so damaged and confused. I always heard songs about heartbreaks or heard stories but never experienced it when it comes to dating and it's quite honestly the worst kind of feeling. Like there's this huge hole in my heart and I can't even muster up the strength to eat or sleep. It would be one thing if someone pointed out characteristic flaws or told me a real reason as to why they broke up with me. It would still suck, but at least it'd be something to keep in mind going forward that I could work on for a potential future relationship. But to have everything going perfectly and told it's going perfectly, to constantly being complimented for my personality and treatment of her, then to being dumped all for an "uneasy" feeling is the ultimate blindside. I am in shock. I'm terrified that this is going to linger for awhile and i'm going to feel helpless and broken inside. When I got home from work, I sent her a text and it'll be the last one I send if she never responds. I just wanted a true explanation as to why and told her i'll always love/care for her but respect her decision and won't press it if she doesn't feel the same way. I found it a little odd that she didn't want to hurt me as she says and cared so much about me but toyed with my emotions this last week. From thinking we are back on Wednesday night after she had doubts to being dumped on Saturday hours before seeing her. Not only that, but to do it via text message when she knows I am at work. No human will be able to properly function if they're dumped at work if they cared about the person that dumped them. That left me extremely vulnerable in an uncomfortable environment.

 

So to wrap it up, I am insanely confused and just devastated. I always heard about breakups where there were fights or character flaws pointed out, but we never fought once, she told me we are so alike, and never stopped complimenting my character but still ended it in an extremely mean manner. This feeling is AWFUL. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. A coworker picked me up and got me drunk last night(i know that's not the solution) and I thought that'd help me fall asleep. I couldn't. I stayed up all night with an extremely damaged heart and don't have the energy to even think about eating, drinking, or really doing anything. I've never felt this heartbroken in my life. I hate I'm experiencing this and I am sorry if others on this forum are experiencing it too.

 

:(

Edited by JP92
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So sorry for your heartbreak JP92. Your girl sounds very confused and my guess is there is more going on than she's told you, and it's about her, not anything to do with you.

 

Give her space. She will likely reach back out again, she just needs to deal with whatever "demon" she's battling.

 

In the meantime take care of and focus on yourself. Give yourself some time to process everything and come to terms with the fact that we don't always get to know "why".

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JP, I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with Finding that your exGF likely has a mental health issue she was hinting at when -- as you say -- "She would always tell me she felt 'stable' when I was around her." In that repeated statement to you, she seems to be implying that she is emotionally unstable when not around you.

 

As to the breakup suddenly occurring four months into the relationship, that is quite common when one partner carries strong fears (e.g., fear of abandonment) from early childhood. What typically happens is that this partner's infatuation is so strong that it convinces her that her new mate poses no threat and is the nearly perfect man. In that way, the infatuation holds the fear at bay. After 4 to 6 months, however, the infatuation starts to fade and the fear returns in full force. Perhaps this fear is what your exGF was referring to when writing that she was now experiencing "uneasy feelings."

 

Finally, I suggest you be very skeptical about your exGF's claim that both of her prior BFs had disrespected her by cheating with other women. Granted, she may be absolutely convinced that both had cheated. Such conviction doesn't make it true, however.

 

Whenever a person suffers from a strong abandonment fear, that fear is so intense that it distorts her perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. The result is that the person "sees" abandonment and cheating behaviors where they don't even exist. If this is what is happening to your exGF, her next BF likely will be told that all three of her prior BFs had cheated on her.

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The only small explanation I can offer is that she isn't someone comfortable about airing her feelings on issues in a relationship; hence, why there was no prior fighting. So perhaps she does have many and varied issues about the relationship that she has, unfairly, never aired or tried to work on. Perhaps that is why, too, she is unwilling to break up in person, because she wasn't even willing to air disagreements verbally during the relationship (or at all apparently). So she's not a confrontational person.

 

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions that it's about your money making abilities. Most women if they care about a guy just require they're reasonably employed and intend to stay that way. If she was a mercenary, there's have been plenty of signs and constant nagging to buy her bigger and better gifts, etc. I don't think that's it.

 

She may have decided she doesn't see it working long-term for her unspoken reasons (unfair, I agree) or she may have gotten out and about with her friends and simply decided she doesn't want to be tied down anytime soon. You may never know.

 

If she does make any moves to reunite, you should do it only if you both go to marital counseling together, where she will be forced to learn to communicate with you. Good luck.

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So to wrap it up, I am insanely confused and just devastated. I always heard about breakups where there were fights or character flaws pointed out, but we never fought once, she told me we are so alike, and never stopped complimenting my character but still ended it in an extremely mean manner. This feeling is AWFUL. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. A coworker picked me up and got me drunk last night(i know that's not the solution) and I thought that'd help me fall asleep. I couldn't. I stayed up all night with an extremely damaged heart and don't have the energy to even think about eating, drinking, or really doing anything. I've never felt this heartbroken in my life. I hate I'm experiencing this and I am sorry if others on this forum are experiencing it too.

 

:(

 

Wow, I read this and it is so similar to my situation, only the genders are reversed. Few things to keep in mind:

 

1. If you know in your heart that you did your best and still it was not enough for her, its not your problem. We cannot control what other people do, we can only control our reaction. Don't punish yourself because of another person not seeing your value. Take this as a sign from God that you deserve better so you need to keep looking. This is a blessing in disguise. Who knows what all crap you got saved from.

 

2. If she had any concerns with you (which I am sure were not major even if there were any, you were obviously not ignoring her or cheating on her or other such crazy stuff) and she did not discuss them with you, its not your fault. She has to learn to discuss her concerns and not just give up on a relationship just like that. This kind of behavior makes her very unattractive.

 

3. I know how you feel because I am going through it. Some days I feel okay and other days I struggle. Talking to friends helps. Appetite dies due to the shock of it all. However bad it maybe though, it will get better. It will. And you will meet someone else who will appreciate you more. Who will not dump you like this so cruelly.

 

4. Don't contact her. Staying away from her will reduce the pain faster. Yes, she may come back but for me as soon as someone dumps me they just have done the worst for me to give them second chance and risk going thru this pain all over again. So don't be stupid. Don't say anything to her... don't be mean to her. She and her problems are no longer yours to deal with.

 

5. Don't DRINK. Feel every bit of this pain.. its important for healing.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

She texted me today and said she just didn't have the energy to have a relationship right now. She has too many unanswered questions about herself and can't give her all for a relationship. She says she wants to feel like she has a more stable life before she shares it with someone else due to uncertainties with her career and going back to school. I understand all of that but I just can't figure out why she didn't think I'd be willing to wait or break it off for a while before dating again. if I am as great as she claimed, I feel like she would have fought a little harder. She once again wanted to reiterate that I'm an amazing guy and by far the best person she ever dated. Hearing this does me no good.

 

It is really hard to hear and still a little confusing to me because I would have done anything to make it work no matter the uncertainties she's feeling with her career. It left me wondering if she'd want to date again if she found some stability and answered some of the questions about herself but I know I deserve better than that. I don't need to wait around on a person for a thing that isn't even a guarantee. It just really hurts a ton right now and is hard to process. I still can't eat or sleep and feel dead on the inside. I feel like I lost the love of my life forever and if I ever regain the strength to pursue dating again, nobody will compare to this woman because she checked all the boxes.

 

She said we could remain friends and keep up every once in a while via texts but would leave that entirely up to me. The fragile version of myself on display right now would probably be down with that but I know deep down it is probably best to not text someone if I can't get over their feelings for them. This just really sucks because I have never experienced or seen anyone experience a breakup where both partners had nothing bad to say about the other and still split.

Edited by JP92
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I feel like I lost the love of my life forever and if I ever regain the strength to pursue dating again, nobody will compare to this woman because she checked all the boxes.

 

 

Really? The moment she decided to give up on you, that same moment she should have become really unattractive to you. How can she check all the boxes when the the most important box - which is to want to be with you - itself is unchecked now?

 

You are just overwhelmed with feelings and emotions. Once they settle down you will see straight and you will know how stupid you sound.

 

There are many other women who are well sorted in their minds and who will want to be with you no matter what. This woman is nothing compared to them. (A woman who breaks up on text... she is really low standard as per me. You need to raise your standard and choose better.)

Edited by winny
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First things first do not even THINK of keeping in touch with this woman as a friend. If you are still texting her, go NO CONTACT immediately. Once you fall into the friends category, that's all you'll ever be to a woman. State that you do not accept this "friendship" bs and move on with your life, as hard as that will be and as rough as things to come will be for you. I do not want to give you false hope as you MUST move on now and act as if you will never date this confused/irrational chick again, but if you ever want any chance of becoming attractive to her again you must become scarce to her so her feelings for you can grow, IF they are still there on her end.

 

A woman giving you compliments up the wazoo after a breakup is nothing out of the ordinary. It's the equivalent of her spraying febreeze after the huge sh-t she just took on you. Your thread hit home bc I experienced the EXACT same thing after my horrific blowoff earlier this year. A few months of AMAZING dating without a blip on the radar and boom, left me out of nowhere for an ex bf she wasn't over and it killed me emotionally. Was the worst experience of my entire life. She then came back and went push/pull jerking my emotions around even more before eventually fading for good. Sadly I entertained her texts and BS bc I was naive and didn't know all I know now about how to deal with women like this post break up. Take my advice and learn from me before it's too late. You'll at least be able to save a lot of your dignity.

 

Forget her saying she needs to be stable in her career or "find herself" or whatever kind of cliche' BS she is throwing at you. There is one of only TWO things going on here with this woman in my honest opinion...

 

1- She's just not that into you. She had the fun pre-honeymoon honeymoon phase, and when it came time for serious business and taking the "next step" in the relationship she got nervous and got cold feet bc the emotions just aren't that strong. It's weird no doubt, as a girl to go as far as she did with you only to cut you right off is wrong, but it's just how some girls are. Emotionally sporadic beings. Sad but true. Best way to deal with this in the future? Don't even DARE getting attached or putting both feet in the door until at least 6 months of dating. You'll thank me one day. Right now you're in a lot of pain bc of this mistake. I know I sound harsh, but I'm speaking from an experience JUST like the one you're going through right now. Never underestimate what human beings are capable of, especially women, although this happens with plenty of men too.

 

2- There's another guy in the picture. A better option. Whether it be her ex or someone else that came along, there's someone else, and she was iffy, but eventually let you down.

 

My Final Thoughts

The second that I read this girl broke up with you via text message I was finished with her. If it was a long emotional phone call and she laid it all out there, i'd say move on, never look back, go NC, but maybe she'll reach back out eventually realizing she made a mistake. Then you could get another chance but this time keep one foot out the door bc you know what she's capable of. Now? I'd say it's time to move on for good. It's clear she has little respect for you and it's clear you deserve better bc you sound like a great guy.

 

Guys like me and you are the types who will eventually find someone we deserve, but for some reason it seems like we also go through the most heartbreaks first unfortunately.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Mac0908
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ExpatInItaly
About 6 months before we started dating.

 

Hm. I'm wondering if that might have something to do with her unwillingness to try another relationship right now.

 

She might just not be fully healed from her previous one.

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Hm. I'm wondering if that might have something to do with her unwillingness to try another relationship right now.

 

She might just not be fully healed from her previous one.

 

No. If a woman likes a guy a lot, no previous relationship she had will come close to stopping it. That's just my two cents. In this guys case, it wasn't even a few week fling. They sounded pretty serious for several months. She had plenty of time to eject if she wasn't mentally prepared. She didn't. She's either back with the ex, some other guy, or she's just a piece of work who let things go too far when she wasn't 100% into him.

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ExpatInItaly
No. If a woman likes a guy a lot, no previous relationship she had will come close to stopping it. That's just my two cents. In this guys case, it wasn't even a few week fling. They sounded pretty serious for several months. She had plenty of time to eject if she wasn't mentally prepared. She didn't. She's either back with the ex, some other guy, or she's just a piece of work who let things go too far when she wasn't 100% into him.

 

Well, yes, that's exactly my point. If someone is still hung up on a previous ex, they won't be fully willing and able to commit to anyone else yet.

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First things first do not even THINK of keeping in touch with this woman as a friend. If you are still texting her, go NO CONTACT immediately. Once you fall into the friends category, that's all you'll ever be to a woman. State that you do not accept this "friendship" bs and move on with your life, as hard as that will be and as rough as things to come will be for you. I do not want to give you false hope as you MUST move on now and act as if you will never date this confused/irrational chick again, but if you ever want any chance of becoming attractive to her again you must become scarce to her so her feelings for you can grow, IF they are still there on her end.

 

A woman giving you compliments up the wazoo after a breakup is nothing out of the ordinary. It's the equivalent of her spraying febreeze after the huge sh-t she just took on you. Your thread hit home bc I experienced the EXACT same thing after my horrific blowoff earlier this year. A few months of AMAZING dating without a blip on the radar and boom, left me out of nowhere for an ex bf she wasn't over and it killed me emotionally. Was the worst experience of my entire life. She then came back and went push/pull jerking my emotions around even more before eventually fading for good. Sadly I entertained her texts and BS bc I was naive and didn't know all I know now about how to deal with women like this post break up. Take my advice and learn from me before it's too late. You'll at least be able to save a lot of your dignity.

 

Forget her saying she needs to be stable in her career or "find herself" or whatever kind of cliche' BS she is throwing at you. There is one of only TWO things going on here with this woman in my honest opinion...

 

1- She's just not that into you. She had the fun pre-honeymoon honeymoon phase, and when it came time for serious business and taking the "next step" in the relationship she got nervous and got cold feet bc the emotions just aren't that strong. It's weird no doubt, as a girl to go as far as she did with you only to cut you right off is wrong, but it's just how some girls are. Emotionally sporadic beings. Sad but true. Best way to deal with this in the future? Don't even DARE getting attached or putting both feet in the door until at least 6 months of dating. You'll thank me one day. Right now you're in a lot of pain bc of this mistake. I know I sound harsh, but I'm speaking from an experience JUST like the one you're going through right now. Never underestimate what human beings are capable of, especially women, although this happens with plenty of men too.

 

2- There's another guy in the picture. A better option. Whether it be her ex or someone else that came along, there's someone else, and she was iffy, but eventually let you down.

 

My Final Thoughts

The second that I read this girl broke up with you via text message I was finished with her. If it was a long emotional phone call and she laid it all out there, i'd say move on, never look back, go NC, but maybe she'll reach back out eventually realizing she made a mistake. Then you could get another chance but this time keep one foot out the door bc you know what she's capable of. Now? I'd say it's time to move on for good. It's clear she has little respect for you and it's clear you deserve better bc you sound like a great guy.

 

Guys like me and you are the types who will eventually find someone we deserve, but for some reason it seems like we also go through the most heartbreaks first unfortunately.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank for your reply and I am sorry you experienced something similar to me. I guess I am experiencing all stages of grief all at once because I do feel kind of angry now. She always would talk about marriage, kids, vacations, or just things in the future to make me feel certain she was in for the long run. I thought we had a strong love. We did everything together and she always told me I was great at dating. To just a week ago to be told and to think everything is perfect to being single a week later is just so cruel. Literally the night before, the last thing we discussed before going to sleep was planning summer vacations.

 

I wish there were signs or I wish I'd find out the real reason. I know it'd hurt but it'd give me closure. I think if you truly love someone, you find a way to make it work and I was always willing to do anything for the relationship. If she needed space, time, or needed me to modify my schedule, I would have done so in a second. I feel so confused and I do kind of find her selfish to able to lead me on so hard and try to get so serious with him only to pull the plug in a second via text message. I would like 1 last face to face meeting for closure. I want her to have to show some courage and stop hiding behind her phone, but I know dropping it is probably best. She's convinced she wasn't selfish and never wanted to hurt me but I don't get how she can say that. She even says that one day she'd like to have a relationship again but made a strong indication that it wouldn't be with me.

 

I've wrote so much and I'll leave my last thought. If I was such a great guy and what we had was true love then why did she put up such a weak fight to stay together? I'll never understand it. I've always believed that if you truly love someone you will find a way. I wish I could know the real reason.....getting over a breakup is 1000x harder than I could ever imagine and the manner in that happened has me just as shocked as I am sad.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

She texted me today and said she just didn't have the energy to have a relationship right now. She has too many unanswered questions about herself and can't give her all for a relationship. She says she wants to feel like she has a more stable life before she shares it with someone else due to uncertainties with her career and going back to school. I understand all of that but I just can't figure out why she didn't think I'd be willing to wait or break it off for a while before dating again. if I am as great as she claimed, I feel like she would have fought a little harder. She once again wanted to reiterate that I'm an amazing guy and by far the best person she ever dated. Hearing this does me no good.

 

It is really hard to hear and still a little confusing to me because I would have done anything to make it work no matter the uncertainties she's feeling with her career. It left me wondering if she'd want to date again if she found some stability and answered some of the questions about herself but I know I deserve better than that. I don't need to wait around on a person for a thing that isn't even a guarantee. It just really hurts a ton right now and is hard to process. I still can't eat or sleep and feel dead on the inside. I feel like I lost the love of my life forever and if I ever regain the strength to pursue dating again, nobody will compare to this woman because she checked all the boxes.

 

She said we could remain friends and keep up every once in a while via texts but would leave that entirely up to me. The fragile version of myself on display right now would probably be down with that but I know deep down it is probably best to not text someone if I can't get over their feelings for them. This just really sucks because I have never experienced or seen anyone experience a breakup where both partners had nothing bad to say about the other and still split.

 

She doesn't want to know or feel like someone is waiting on her while she is trying to figure herself out because it's pressure and it's not really freedom. "You can do what you want but I expect you to come back to me." is what you're communicating by waiting. She doesn't want that. She wants to live her life without being responsible for anyone at the moment.

 

The big thing that I picked up on from your post is she said she feels "stable" with you. You should not be the reason she feels stable. She should be stable already in her own right. She should be generally happy with her life. All this means is after you left every night, the thoughts she wouldn't share with you would creep up into her mind and she would deal with them alone. It means, she wasn't being her true-self to you because she was either trying to protect you or protect herself.

 

Do not do friendship with her. It will only serve her..not you and you will regret it. She proposed it because she feels bad about what she did because she knows you're a good person. It's a way for her to soothe the guilt and perhaps ween herself off of you until she meets someone new. Hence, it won't be a real friendship because the truth is, you two can't be friends right now..especially you. For you to be friends, you'll have to grieve and learn to live life and be happy without her and that's unimaginable to you at the moment.

 

Furthermore, it will prolong the pain and delay the starting point of your healing process as well as keep you holding on. If she chose to break it off, she needs to face the reality of her decision in its entirety. She needs to know what life is like without you. If you're there, she won't.

 

Right now, I would take her off social media and delete her number because you're going to feel an incredible need to reach out to her as the weeks pass by. She will also most likely try to contact you inside of 3 months atleast once. It won't be about getting back together and even if you two do, what in her life or her perspective could change in such a short period of time? If she ever does hint about getting back together, I would have a forward, upfront conversation about the issues and make sure they're dealt with first. But for now, you need all of your energy for you.

 

If you feel the need to talk to her, talk to us on Loveshack instead. Use the Coping thread.

 

Stay strong man

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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This forum is helping me a lot. Thank you everyone for your replies and true thoughts. It sounds overdramatic, but I am going to seek grief counseling at my job. I think I need as many voices as I can right now because I am too fragile. I've never been one that has been able to handle big life events well. It stays on my mind 24-7 and I can't even get an ounce of energy to do anything. All the activities that I love or loved, I shared with her. From the sport I played, to the parks I'd walk at, etc.

 

They feel ruined for now. All these activities will bring up so many memories and remind me that she's not with me. This is really tough and I know I sound pretty weak right now.

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To just a week ago to be told and to think everything is perfect to being single a week later is just so cruel. Literally the night before, the last thing we discussed before going to sleep was planning summer vacations.

 

You want cruel? Forget a week. Saturday morning December 30th 2017 she's in my bed telling me she's excited to spend New Years Eve with me, is planning to do her hair a special way, has a dress PICKED out for the party of my friends we planned on going to, and lastly, told me she wanted to come in early before the party to have s-x with me.

 

Under 24 hours later.... New Years Eve morning. December 31st 2017. I come home from getting a haircut for the night out and get a call from her, and that was that.

 

Yeah.

 

Her texts were a little watered down in the days leading up to all of this and I had a funny feeling something was up, but never in a million years would I have predicted what happened.

 

So believe me, I feel your pain, and if my recovery was any indication, and then some.

 

Also, listen to Beachead. Stay AWAY from this woman. It will do you absolutely positively no good. You make me nervous that you are going to give in. Understand that no contact means deleting her number, photos, social media, and anything else that can trigger her into your mind. You're about to go on an uphill battle to move forward and away from this girl. But ultimately you will one day find one that deserves you and you deserve. It won't be today, it won't be tomorrow, and it might not even be in the distant future. But it WILL happen one day if you want it and take the right course of action. That begins with NC from your ex. It's ok to be weak right now. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be angry. It's all normal. This won't be easy but it all starts with NC. After that, constant communication with friends and family is what I felt helped me. Nothing wrong with a couple of counseling sessions either IMO. You had your heart destroyed out of nowhere and for really doing absolutely nothing wrong. As human we're not programmed to handle that without being devastated if you don't have the proper mentality. The good news is you live and learn, and I hope my posts helped you today.

Edited by Mac0908
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This forum is helping me a lot. Thank you everyone for your replies and true thoughts. It sounds overdramatic, but I am going to seek grief counseling at my job. I think I need as many voices as I can right now because I am too fragile. I've never been one that has been able to handle big life events well. It stays on my mind 24-7 and I can't even get an ounce of energy to do anything. All the activities that I love or loved, I shared with her. From the sport I played, to the parks I'd walk at, etc.

 

They feel ruined for now. All these activities will bring up so many memories and remind me that she's not with me. This is really tough and I know I sound pretty weak right now.

 

No you don't sound weak. You sound human and you sound like many of us. Do not feel like you are being overdramatic. There is no shame in therapy, counselling or support. A lot of people seem to feel ashamed that they are in so much pain when it's such a normal reaction to such a devastating situation.

 

You got used to this woman and then she left you out of nowhere. There will be a gigantic void inside of you for a long time. If you want the scientific reason. It's because your brain developed neurochemical pathways that were associated with her and doing things with her as you two progressed in your relationship (Habits patterns lifestyle) and now she's gone and those pathways are still wired into your brain. That's why you feel a void. It's going to take a very long time to retrain your mind but it will happen. That I promise you.

 

- Beach

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Well, yes, that's exactly my point. If someone is still hung up on a previous ex, they won't be fully willing and able to commit to anyone else yet.

 

I see where you're coming from, but if the guy starts to (justifiably) develop feelings, it can become a serious problem when the hammer gets dropped on him like it did me all those months ago.

 

It's a terrible thing when someone can be careless with someones emotions, yet it seems to happen way too often.

Edited by Mac0908
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I think this has been a rude awakening to how attached I get. The minutes seem to be going by slowly and I left my phone in another room. Every 20-30 minutes, I'll get up to check it and deep inside am hoping for a message/call from you know who and it's not going to come. I know it. Even though I am at a very weak state, I won't text her. It's such a hopeless/empty feeling knowing the 1 thing that can get you out of your state of misery is the thing that put you there in the first place. My God, I wouldn't wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. This is the ultimate suckery. I keep rereading the breakup texts and I know that is toxic and I need to stop. Some of it just doesn't add up. Schedules/Energy can't be the two biggest reasons you dump someone you love. How can you not sit down with a person and try to fix your uneasy feelings or fight for them? It's so baffling. I never would have expected such a huge cut from her of all people. If something was wrong or uneasy, I just knew she'd try to work them out and she knew i'd do anything for her. If everything she says is true it literally reads as her ending the relationship the second a conflict arose. Not even a second thought. How can that be after you've always told someone you love them and they're the best BF they've ever had? Unreal.

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salparadise

JP92, I am really sorry that you're going through this. I know how how it feels because I had a similar breakup scenario a little over a year ago, and I was similarly devastated. It's here if you're interested. I don't want to recount the whole thing in your thread, but rather share a few nuggets that may help assuage your suffering and allow the incongruity and dissonance to affect you less.

 

It's not your fault and there's nothing you could've done to prevent it. Like Downtown, I suspect that she does not have a complete sense of self, and she wasn't able to deal with the fear of vulnerability (inherent when you begin to care deeply for someone). A healthy, mature person holds it and works through; an immature/damaged person often sabotages and/or runs away. Try to accept that she simply did not have the capacity for reasons that are not about you.

 

In every relationship we gain insight into ourselves. What you now know is that you do have the capacity, that you are loving, and worthy of being loved. And when the right person come into your life, you will be able to love wholeheartedly.

 

Time heals, but our experiences become part of us. It's extremely painful right now, but you should not try to escape you feelings. The grief counseling will help. You need to talk about it (a lot). That's how we recover from grief. You'll go through the five stages, and eventually you'll reach acceptance and the joy of living will return. Don't expect it to be immediate. The time it takes is different for everyone, and every loss.

 

I clearly remember the first time I had a moment of light, happy feeling and was briefly not dwelling on the loss. It was about three months after. It has improved day by day, but fifteen months later it's still painful... but not nearly to the same degree, and I only recall it occasionally now.

 

Pain is one thing, suffering is another. You can't will the pain away, but after taking time to grieve you can quit suffering via acceptance. Loss is inevitable in life. We get better at it, fortunately and unfortunately. Right now you just need to feel that pain and suffering knowing that it's normal, okay, not permanent, and inevitably a part of the human experience. Let go lightly, think about impermanence, inevitability, acceptance, and allow those to become part of your consciousness.

 

Four months... I know that you certainly can develop strong feelings in four months and I will not discount what you're feeling in any way. However, as you gain relationship experience I think you'll find that four months is an average lifespan for short-lived relationships. That's about how long it takes to see past each other's facade, and for infatuation/limerence to begin allowing some reality to seep through and become visible. So my recommendation (for next time) is to take things slower and be conscious of the fact that we don't know another person very well at all in the early months.

 

Right now, focus on self-care. As soon as you're able (days, not weeks) exercise, socialize, eat nutritious food (cook for yourself), stay away from alcohol, take on an easy project and complete it, do something to help those less fortunate... and generally do not allow yourself too much time for self-pity.

 

You really need friends to talk to now. I hope you have someone who is a good listener and won't quit you as soon as it get a little bit tiresome. Your need to talk will probably exceed your friend's ability to absorb.

 

Keep posting here. It definitely helps to say how you feel, and you can do that better on an anonymous forum in a way you can't quite to elsewhere. Get with a counselor and don't hold back.

 

It will get better. Take care!

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JP92, I am really sorry that you're going through this. I know how how it feels because I had a similar breakup scenario a little over a year ago, and I was similarly devastated. It's here if you're interested. I don't want to recount the whole thing in your thread, but rather share a few nuggets that may help assuage your suffering and allow the incongruity and dissonance to affect you less.

 

It's not your fault and there's nothing you could've done to prevent it. Like Downtown, I suspect that she does not have a complete sense of self, and she wasn't able to deal with the fear of vulnerability (inherent when you begin to care deeply for someone). A healthy, mature person holds it and works through; an immature/damaged person often sabotages and/or runs away. Try to accept that she simply did not have the capacity for reasons that are not about you.

 

In every relationship we gain insight into ourselves. What you now know is that you do have the capacity, that you are loving, and worthy of being loved. And when the right person come into your life, you will be able to love wholeheartedly.

 

Time heals, but our experiences become part of us. It's extremely painful right now, but you should not try to escape you feelings. The grief counseling will help. You need to talk about it (a lot). That's how we recover from grief. You'll go through the five stages, and eventually you'll reach acceptance and the joy of living will return. Don't expect it to be immediate. The time it takes is different for everyone, and every loss.

 

I clearly remember the first time I had a moment of light, happy feeling and was briefly not dwelling on the loss. It was about three months after. It has improved day by day, but fifteen months later it's still painful... but not nearly to the same degree, and I only recall it occasionally now.

 

Pain is one thing, suffering is another. You can't will the pain away, but after taking time to grieve you can quit suffering via acceptance. Loss is inevitable in life. We get better at it, fortunately and unfortunately. Right now you just need to feel that pain and suffering knowing that it's normal, okay, not permanent, and inevitably a part of the human experience. Let go lightly, think about impermanence, inevitability, acceptance, and allow those to become part of your consciousness.

 

Four months... I know that you certainly can develop strong feelings in four months and I will not discount what you're feeling in any way. However, as you gain relationship experience I think you'll find that four months is an average lifespan for short-lived relationships. That's about how long it takes to see past each other's facade, and for infatuation/limerence to begin allowing some reality to seep through and become visible. So my recommendation (for next time) is to take things slower and be conscious of the fact that we don't know another person very well at all in the early months.

 

Right now, focus on self-care. As soon as you're able (days, not weeks) exercise, socialize, eat nutritious food (cook for yourself), stay away from alcohol, take on an easy project and complete it, do something to help those less fortunate... and generally do not allow yourself too much time for self-pity.

 

You really need friends to talk to now. I hope you have someone who is a good listener and won't quit you as soon as it get a little bit tiresome. Your need to talk will probably exceed your friend's ability to absorb.

 

Keep posting here. It definitely helps to say how you feel, and you can do that better on an anonymous forum in a way you can't quite to elsewhere. Get with a counselor and don't hold back.

 

It will get better. Take care!

 

Thank you. I am truly sorry about what you experienced. Looks like both of us were completely blindsided. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she ran the second adversity arose and didn't even try to fight it or talk to me in person about it. I feel like a shell of a person.

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I think this has been a rude awakening to how attached I get. The minutes seem to be going by slowly and I left my phone in another room. Every 20-30 minutes, I'll get up to check it and deep inside am hoping for a message/call from you know who and it's not going to come. I know it. Even though I am at a very weak state, I won't text her. It's such a hopeless/empty feeling knowing the 1 thing that can get you out of your state of misery is the thing that put you there in the first place. My God, I wouldn't wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. This is the ultimate suckery. I keep rereading the breakup texts and I know that is toxic and I need to stop. Some of it just doesn't add up. Schedules/Energy can't be the two biggest reasons you dump someone you love. How can you not sit down with a person and try to fix your uneasy feelings or fight for them? It's so baffling. I never would have expected such a huge cut from her of all people. If something was wrong or uneasy, I just knew she'd try to work them out and she knew i'd do anything for her. If everything she says is true it literally reads as her ending the relationship the second a conflict arose. Not even a second thought. How can that be after you've always told someone you love them and they're the best BF they've ever had? Unreal.

 

I've been there man..one time too many. Like you and many people, I couldn't even get passed half hour without checking my phone in the beginning. Getting through an hour was unimaginable. The heartbreak was so overwhelming, I felt fatigued. It kept me in bed, sleeping for the better part of the day for months.

 

In my recent break up about 10 months back..it was the same. It's just not crippling or overwhelming anymore. You will eventually get back to a point where you can function and focus again but those scars..they stick around. Let yourself feel everything. Don't run, don't hide, face it. It'll be real important for you as you proceed through your grieving. Keep using Loveshack and read other people's experiences. See the advice they got and how they've been doing. Talk to a therapist if you need to, journal out your thoughts by freewriting etc. I don't want to tell you what you're going to go through because it will be rough but I will tell you to take it day by day. Take this crappy time as an opportunity to learn about yourself and the way you heal and deal with grief which is why I will encourage you to journal. Over time, you will gain clarity about this breakup, about her, and about yourself and everything.

Edited by Beachead
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Another hard part is I really don't have any friends where I live. I'm still new to the area and have a couple work friends but not people I do things with outside of work. She has a large group of GFs she calls "family" and I am sure they'll quickly help her get over this if she's even feeling sad. I'll just be locked up in my apartment full of memories of her with my dog. This place is really my only support group I have and I do appreciate it but not having in person contact is brutal and guys are usually pretty bad with emotional stuff anyways.

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journal out your thoughts by freewriting

 

Funny bc at first I thought I was just losing my mind when I would do this day after day in the early stages, but it really did help.

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