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Was it my fault this break up happened?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 18th May 2018, 11:26 AM   #1
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Was it my fault this break up happened?

Brace yourselves because this story is crazy.

OK so 3 years ago I met a woman. I was 23, she was 25. We met at the same job we both worked at. She has a 5 yr old daughter. My situation at the time, I was staying at my aunties house getting back into school to become a welder and get my own place, since I lost my last apartment. Her situation was that she was staying with her sister trying to get back on her feet due to her getting out of jail behind some domestic deal with her ex boyfreind in her last relationship that happened a yr before we met. And to be honest, In my mind I was
Still hurt behind my ex before I got with her.

So when we met, we clinged together easily, and we ended up getting together. Things went Hella fast from that point. Keep in mind at this time, she was staying with her sister. When her sister found out that that we were dating, they both didn't get along with each other, in fact they hardly ever got along. Soo that there lead to my ex moving out and staying at a friend's house, and i stayed there with them as well. I helped her moved all her things out her sisters house into her Freinds house with my truck. She has no car, no drivers license, no HS diploma.

So I was basically running her everywhere at this point. And it got worse when we saved up and got an apartment. At this point I was miserable. Having to wake up very early to take the child to school, daycare, and us to work was stressful, especially when we were still trying to get to know eachother. I been with women that had children and stuff, but they always taken care their own duties to where I didn't have to do anything but date them. Obviously this was not the case here. So out of stress and feeling like I got myself Into the wrong situation, I had to call it quits. So she ended up moving back to her moms house. But that only lasted for a week because we liked eachother so much. So she came back, but she decided to leave her child with her grandmother until she can get things sorted out to make it easier so she can take care of her duties with her child while I'm not around since I was going to school and work.

At that point, things just went downhill. When she came back she was still very hurt and broken up that I had to break it off with her because I felt like I was getting myself into something I had no business into, no matter how I tried to convince her she didnt take it that way. I swear you guys, i didnt break it off with her because i didnt like her, its cuz i thought i was doing the wrong thing.

So basically to keep the apartment, and my truck, I was working 2 jobs and continuing on with school using financial aid money. She on the other hand, didn't go back to her job because she was embarrassed of the short break up we had and just stayed home looking and applying for other jobs from her phone.

On the flip side, this caused problems because she wasn't motivated to get her g.e.d, to get a car, etc...and in the back of my mind I was like she has a 5 yr old daughter that isnt with her at this point why on earth isn't she motivated to do this and that to better her situation? Because at some point in this relationship I started to feel used. So that caused fights, arguments, just a hot mess. She did end up going back to her job when she supposedly told me she couldn't find a different job. Everytime when she was broke, she would be acting all depressed But during the relationship, I fell deep in love with her. But keep in mind she was on some insanity stuff meaning she did nothing different and same thing every year but was expecting a different result. Like for example, she would always be sad, have an attitude, and complain ALL the time when she was broke or when her whole paycheck was spent. I would try my damnest to motivate her to work 2 jobs, study her g.e.d book so she can get back into school, so she wont be so sad when shes broke and all but she was just a lazy person. This was the case with her the entire relationship and it drove me to insanity. I was with someone that did not do what was necessary to help themslves. I got so sick and tired of hearing her complain about her life when she wouldn't do nothing to change it, so bad that it was making me upset at her causing more and more arguements.

So all in all this ended up with me going far out my way to help with her and her child, using all the money I had to keep us a place to stay, we ended up moving to 3 different apartments, I always had to drive her and there all the time, because we only had one vehicle which was my truck, all she did was work that same job where I met her ever since we met I mean of course she did help me out when I needed it and came half on rent...but on the other hand I felt very used, and she acted ungrateful for the things I helped her with, causing a toxic relationship and then we started abusing eachother badly. In fact abuse happened between us the entire relationship.


tl;dr 3 months after being separated I been distraught, in agony, heart broken, and emotionally unstable since the post break up. I loved that woman so much we had awesome times, and horrific times, but all in all I just wanted to be with her no matter what. It's so sad because I just graduated welding school and was ready to start a family with her. During the post break up she was nasty to me. Posting pics like she was so happy with out me. Had another guy call my phone wanting to fight me, etc; she is a dramafied person. She purposely did all those things knowingly how heart broken i was. It took me lot of courage not to do nothing stupid because I didn't want to hurt nobody and go to jail behind an ex. Now i hate her so much that i never felt this much rage against anyone like this in my life. I will never ever forgive her. Since the break up, it seems like shes doing ok but that's just a guess.... i quit checking her social media almost 2 months ago now. but im not doing ok and why is this? And Finally the original question is, is this all my fault? On the the other hand, we both had anger issues. So we did abuse eachother physically and emotionally. As pathetic as it may sounds there's still a part in me that misses her and wants her back. For the past month or so she has been contacting me and I just been ignoring her. Like for example last week she called. She has been contacting me every 2-3 weeks about something irrelevant, like aboit some mail i left there, or that she was trying to sell me her dresser, etc,..not the kind of messages that like she wants to talk or anything. Why is this woman still contacting me when shes the one that broke up with me because she was emotionally drained and told me she can do better by herself? One side tells me to keep ignoring and reminders come into my head on how effed up she did me before and during the breakup, and the otherside tells me that its not a good idea to ignore her because i might lose her forever. It's really hard, I wakes up thinking about her, all day all night. I been hanging around Freinds and family, job searching for a welding job, but she is still present in my mind no matter what I do. It feels like I'm in the penitentiary.

Last edited by srt92; 18th May 2018 at 11:31 AM..
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Old 18th May 2018, 11:49 AM   #2
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Why is this woman still contacting me when shes the one that broke up with me because she was emotionally drained and told me she can do better by herself?
The two of you are attracted to each other because you both thrive on dysfunction.

Physical and verbal abuse is a dealbreaker. Maybe it should be a priority for you to work on those issues because those are not healthy traits.

It is best for you both to be away from each other. Relationships/partners are supposed to nurture, care and support each other not tear and break each other down. It's going to be painful for some time and you'll need to heal and the best way to do that is block all contact.

I do feel sorry for this child as she has no choice in the matter but become a witness to deplorable behavior and likely become a victim of her environment. For now, move on from this and work towards creating a better future for yourself.
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Old 19th May 2018, 3:53 PM   #3
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The two of you are attracted to each other because you both thrive on dysfunction.

Physical and verbal abuse is a dealbreaker. Maybe it should be a priority for you to work on those issues because those are not healthy traits.

It is best for you both to be away from each other. Relationships/partners are supposed to nurture, care and support each other not tear and break each other down. It's going to be painful for some time and you'll need to heal and the best way to do that is block all contact.

I do feel sorry for this child as she has no choice in the matter but become a witness to deplorable behavior and likely become a victim of her environment. For now, move on from this and work towards creating a better future for yourself.
Then why do I still want her? Why do I feel things will change between us if I had another chance?
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Old 19th May 2018, 5:29 PM   #4
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No. You were the giver and she was the taker. Her actions, literally everything you described, are more like those of a high school maturity. Obviously, she was in no way ready to have the responsibilities of a child. She was very silly and immature for not going to work. Very silly and immature to not be doing something to improve her situation. As you know, life, at its best, still takes hard work and determination. This girl is lazy and entitled and irresponsible in the extreme and expects others to take care of her life for her. I kind of wonder if she's maybe a little narcissistic. Not sure. But if nothing can ever be her fault, it would fit. Of course, so would just be young and irresponsible...

I know you love this girl, but you have just found out that you can't be her parent. It's a sex killer, a passion killer. But she keeps placing you in that role. That will not work.

You seem like a really really good guy, very giving, very driven, responsible, industrious. You need to leave her behind so she has to figure out for herself how to grow up and stop being childish. Part of you may be drawn to her because she needs you, but so often those same people don't appreciate you for it, which sours the whole thing. You deserve someone who is as industrious and responsible as you are, and there are plenty of women out there who are. At some point you will have to get her out of your sphere completely so she can't interfere with your next relationship, because she will just out of childishness.

I'm sure everyone would advise you totally get off her social media and stop looking. She's just trying to hurt you on it. Very sophomoric. And there's a reason for that -- her life was interrupted when she had her child. She's still a teen in her development. She may stay that way forever. That's why it's never a good idea.

You should block her on all social media so she can't see and interfere in your life or contact people she sees on there badmouthing you, and then totally stay off her social media and make it a goal to stop caring what she's thinking about you. You can and will do better once you free yourself from her emotionally and physically. Good luck.
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Old 21st May 2018, 4:44 AM   #5
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Then why do I still want her? Why do I feel things will change between us if I had another chance?
Probably because you don't have a healthy view of love.

This is emotional dependence. There's a significant difference.
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Old 21st May 2018, 2:50 PM   #6
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Probably because you don't have a healthy view of love.

This is emotional dependence. There's a significant difference.
Possibly, I mean I wasnt clingy to her like that during the relationship..she was more like of what your describing. For example she would get upset when I wanted to hang with my family and freinds, but didn't have a problem with us hanging out with her family and Freinds that she knew. And the fact of everytime I would leave after fighting with her just to cool off, she would blame me for that as well for leaving her by her so called lonesome. She was a serious victimizer too. Her behavior drove me insane. Bought out the worse in me. I guess maybe I just really loved how she treated me when we were on good terms. And I miss that.
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Old 21st May 2018, 3:51 PM   #7
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One doesn't need to be clingy to be emotionally dependent on someone.

It can also happen when you come to see the other person as your source of validation (even subconsciously) so that even when they mistreat you, you yearn for that high that comes from when they start being nice and loving again. You begin to bargain with yourself to overlook the serious bad behaviour, because you can't tolerate feeling so low about yourself that even this "crazy person" doesn't want you. So you stay, hoping they'll be sweet to you again or even change.

It's a vicious cycle. It keeps people stuck in abusive relationships, because they know their partners have a caring side too. But it comes at a huge price: one's emotional and sometimes physical well-being.
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Old 21st May 2018, 5:33 PM   #8
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One doesn't need to be clingy to be emotionally dependent on someone.

It can also happen when you come to see the other person as your source of validation (even subconsciously) so that even when they mistreat you, you yearn for that high that comes from when they start being nice and loving again. You begin to bargain with yourself to overlook the serious bad behaviour, because you can't tolerate feeling so low about yourself that even this "crazy person" doesn't want you. So you stay, hoping they'll be sweet to you again or even change.

It's a vicious cycle. It keeps people stuck in abusive relationships, because they know their partners have a caring side too. But it comes at a huge price: one's emotional and sometimes physical well-being.
That sounds pretty evil. And I say that because she did these things knowing how frustrated i was, and how I felt about her. Especially during the post break-up. Letting her go is really tough. I don't even know why I loved her so much, despite how miserable I was when I was with her; not all the time, but most of the time.
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Old 21st May 2018, 5:35 PM   #9
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No. You were the giver and she was the taker. Her actions, literally everything you described, are more like those of a high school maturity. Obviously, she was in no way ready to have the responsibilities of a child. She was very silly and immature for not going to work. Very silly and immature to not be doing something to improve her situation. As you know, life, at its best, still takes hard work and determination. This girl is lazy and entitled and irresponsible in the extreme and expects others to take care of her life for her. I kind of wonder if she's maybe a little narcissistic. Not sure. But if nothing can ever be her fault, it would fit. Of course, so would just be young and irresponsible...

I know you love this girl, but you have just found out that you can't be her parent. It's a sex killer, a passion killer. But she keeps placing you in that role. That will not work.

You seem like a really really good guy, very giving, very driven, responsible, industrious. You need to leave her behind so she has to figure out for herself how to grow up and stop being childish. Part of you may be drawn to her because she needs you, but so often those same people don't appreciate you for it, which sours the whole thing. You deserve someone who is as industrious and responsible as you are, and there are plenty of women out there who are. At some point you will have to get her out of your sphere completely so she can't interfere with your next relationship, because she will just out of childishness.

I'm sure everyone would advise you totally get off her social media and stop looking. She's just trying to hurt you on it. Very sophomoric. And there's a reason for that -- her life was interrupted when she had her child. She's still a teen in her development. She may stay that way forever. That's why it's never a good idea.

You should block her on all social media so she can't see and interfere in your life or contact people she sees on there badmouthing you, and then totally stay off her social media and make it a goal to stop caring what she's thinking about you. You can and will do better once you free yourself from her emotionally and physically. Good luck.

That's the problem my emotions run too high for her.
And like told the other person on this thread, I just miss the good things that happened between us, it feels like I will never find that same kind of person again.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:28 AM   #10
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That's the problem my emotions run too high for her.
And like told the other person on this thread, I just miss the good things that happened between us, it feels like I will never find that same kind of person again.
You better hope you don't!

Being great sometimes isn't enough to outweigh the bad times you experienced in this relationship. There was an awful lot wrong here. You became addicted to the high of the good times, but a relationship cannot survive on that.
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