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Broke up after 6 months, my fault.


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 18th May 2018, 3:00 AM   #1
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Broke up after 6 months, my fault.

Hello everyone,

Really glad that LS is back when I really needed it.

A short history before, my last gf broke up with me back in 2016 and a few months later, my father passed away after more than 20 years of suffering.
For my mother and I, it really hit hard as we took care of my dad for such a long time.

Anyway, for a year or so, I really wanted to be alone, I quit my job around 6 months later and took a couple of months off where I had this "friend with benefits". It came at the right time as I wasn't ready for anything serious.

After my time off, I decided to go back to college for a year for a degree I really wanted. This is where I met this girl (who was in my class) and I really took a liking to her.

We talked for a few weeks before I asked her out and we started dating. She was younger than me (23, I'm 27) and didn't show her feelings at all, I wasn't used to that.
During that time, even though she would ask, I refused to talk about my father as it was still a very touchy subject for me. I felt like I didn't want to "burden" her with that, for lack of a better word.

A couple of months down the line, we start this really difficult project and for 10 weeks, don't see much of each other as we were both really busy. I would sometimes be really stressed and anxious and would work weekends so avoided alcohol or any going out.

Two weeks ago, she was acting really distant and after we talked about it, she told me she wanted to break up as she was tired. I wasn't attentive or affectionate enough, didn't want to meet her friends (to be fair, she asked literally once and I was studying) and every time I was stressed or sad, I wouldn't talk about it.

While I agree with most of what she said, she never mentioned once that she had a problem with me before. I apologized and told her she was unlucky in the fact that she was my first gf since my father passed away.
I didn't know that it affected me this much honestly, I was more closed off emotionally than I though. I talked to a few friends about it and they told me that my past wasn't "baggage" and if she wanted to know, it was because she cared.

It's been a week now (total NC) and it made me think. While I had a few problems with her (that she was quiet and never told me off if she had a problem), I do acknowledge that I was mostly to blame here. I took her for granted and should have appreciated her more for the sweet girl that she is.

I also feel very guilty for treating her like this so I'm a bit confused as to what to do now. I wanted to wait a little longer to see how I feel. If I really miss her for who she is or it's just that I don't want to be alone.
Also, just to deal with my emotions a bit better. I'm here because everyone on this site advocates NC (which helped me a lot before) but in this case, should I try to get back in contact in a few weeks? Or do you think it's completely over?

Thank you for reading.
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Old 19th May 2018, 6:53 AM   #2
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Anyone...?
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Old 19th May 2018, 10:36 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fitnerd View Post
... I do acknowledge that I was mostly to blame here. I took her for granted and should have appreciated her more for the sweet girl that she is.
The "human experience" is about living and learning...

You admit you are to blame and took her for granted. You have learned a valuable lesson. You probably won't repeat that mistake again, for someone you care about.

When a woman dumps me, I always ask myself was I the best person I could be?? If the answer is "no", then its on me to improve myself and not make that mistake, again.

You are doing the right thing, stay "no contact". Take a little time, then get back out there.

As far as meeting her friends, I'm not much for that either. They are her friends, if she wants to go play with her friends, go be with them. Why do I need to be paraded out for their approval?? Her friends are just going to be negative, mostly because they are jealous about some aspect she has with you, that they don't have with their current boyfriends.
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Old 20th May 2018, 3:44 PM   #4
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You're taking on too much of the fault, because you're both at fault here. I'm glad you've started introspecting, and you've come up with some solid points to work on. However, she doesn't communicate, and that's really the death-knell here. If she'd been telling you for 3 months how she felt and you continued to ignore it, I'd suggest work on yourself a bit then reach out to show her you've changed. But I don't think that matters here because you've both got issues, and you have no control over hers. You could try letting her know she doesn't communicate and see if she's already aware that it is a problem, but if you as a couple can't fundamentally communicate well then it's a real incompatibility that you can't fix just by not taking her for granted.

Because she's so young and you're still healing after your dad, it's going to be hard to work on the communication issue, so I'd recommend trying to move on from this one. And be kind to yourself, because it's really not all your fault.
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Old 20th May 2018, 6:22 PM   #5
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Just a quick update, we talked today (after 7 days NC). I had a long talk with a few close friends and my mother and everyone told me I should've opened up more. But as a lot of people here say, you will never get closure or at least feel that you won't, so might as well start NC as soon as possible. I "only" wasted 7 days and this talk was definitely worth it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
The "human experience" is about living and learning...

You admit you are to blame and took her for granted. You have learned a valuable lesson. You probably won't repeat that mistake again, for someone you care about.

When a woman dumps me, I always ask myself was I the best person I could be?? If the answer is "no", then its on me to improve myself and not make that mistake, again.

You are doing the right thing, stay "no contact". Take a little time, then get back out there.

As far as meeting her friends, I'm not much for that either. They are her friends, if she wants to go play with her friends, go be with them. Why do I need to be paraded out for their approval?? Her friends are just going to be negative, mostly because they are jealous about some aspect she has with you, that they don't have with their current boyfriends.
Thank you for that. For me this time, it was absolutely no. She was my first since my father passed away and I had no idea it affected me this much. I was very closed off emotionally. I will never be making the same mistake ever again.

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Originally Posted by SpecialJ View Post
You're taking on too much of the fault, because you're both at fault here. I'm glad you've started introspecting, and you've come up with some solid points to work on. However, she doesn't communicate, and that's really the death-knell here. If she'd been telling you for 3 months how she felt and you continued to ignore it, I'd suggest work on yourself a bit then reach out to show her you've changed. But I don't think that matters here because you've both got issues, and you have no control over hers. You could try letting her know she doesn't communicate and see if she's already aware that it is a problem, but if you as a couple can't fundamentally communicate well then it's a real incompatibility that you can't fix just by not taking her for granted.

Because she's so young and you're still healing after your dad, it's going to be hard to work on the communication issue, so I'd recommend trying to move on from this one. And be kind to yourself, because it's really not all your fault.
Thanks a lot for those words SpecialJ, they really helped. Yes, from what she told me, she was feeling like this for a couple of months and never mentioned anything to me so I do agree that it is partly her fault.

Also yes, I know now that there is absolutely no chance of redeeming this. I know that girls' feelings, once changed, do not change back anymore (this is not my first breakup).
Communication is the most important thing about any relationship and she wasn't good at it at all. I honestly think that if she had mentioned anything, I wouldn't have ignored it but no point in lamenting about the past, what's done is done...

I know the next few weeks will not be easy, I'm very thankful that LS is back as it really helps with the healing process.
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Old 24th May 2018, 1:47 PM   #6
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I had an ex like that. The type who would sit back and watch you drown and then BU and find out she had been feeling that way for months and months.

It definitely sux but some people just roll that way.

I too was dealing with some trauma but I still cared for her, its just I was biding time I guess to work through the trauma. I thought I had that time since she never said anything. How wrong I was.

Like you I think I wasn't saying much because I didn't want to drag her into my mess. It's funny how you think that's the right thing to do yet they see it the exact opposite.

Last edited by marky00; 24th May 2018 at 1:50 PM..
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Old 25th May 2018, 5:38 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
I had an ex like that. The type who would sit back and watch you drown and then BU and find out she had been feeling that way for months and months.

It definitely sux but some people just roll that way.

I too was dealing with some trauma but I still cared for her, its just I was biding time I guess to work through the trauma. I thought I had that time since she never said anything. How wrong I was.

Like you I think I wasn't saying much because I didn't want to drag her into my mess. It's funny how you think that's the right thing to do yet they see it the exact opposite.
Yep, very similar situation, not a good one to be in. How long did your RS last though?
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Old 25th May 2018, 11:16 AM   #8
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I wouldn't say this was your "fault." I think your shutting down and refusing to discuss your father's death was a relationship killer.

But here's the deal. The fact that you didn't know this was a relationship killer (the whole "i didn't want burden her" thing) shows that you weren't quite ready for a serious relationship.

Great learning lesson, dude. I speak ... because I used to do this. Pissed off every woman I did this withholding with.

The whole point of a relationship is to talk about our lives and get love and receive love, and where we really are as people. Imagine she ended up homeless ... and was living in a homeless shelter ... and had a sister who had died recently ... and decided not to tell you any of this for fear of "burdening" you. You can see the ridiculousness of that.

If you were closed about your father, 100 percent chance that carried over to a lot of other stuff that you were closed about ... and your body language reveals the pain anyway ... so she saw and felt the pain ... but then was told in effect to pretend everything with you.

What you failed to get is that if a partner really likes you, and you're in pain ... they will come over and cook for you ... and hug you and take care of you ... And your job is to figure how exactly you want a partner can help you in grief. And if you're into that other person, you'll do that for them. You could literally spend an afternoon partly crying and telling stories about your dad in her arms .. .and make great love later on ... same night.

Time to work on the skill of intimacy. Google intimacy and sharing and revealing and do some good reading ... and more if you need to.

Last edited by Lotsgoingon; 25th May 2018 at 11:22 AM..
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Old 25th May 2018, 2:09 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post

But here's the deal. The fact that you didn't know this was a relationship killer (the whole "i didn't want burden her" thing) shows that you weren't quite ready for a serious relationship.

Great learning lesson, dude. I speak ... because I used to do this. Pissed off every woman I did this withholding with.

The whole point of a relationship is to talk about our lives and get love and receive love, and where we really are as people. Imagine she ended up homeless ... and was living in a homeless shelter ... and had a sister who had died recently ... and decided not to tell you any of this for fear of "burdening" you. You can see the ridiculousness of that.
Sounds good in theory but with some partners you just get a gut feeling they don't want to entertain your negative emotions.

I was in a similar situation and I did the same thing as the OP. A couple of times, when it got very bad, I would try and explain to her how bad my situation was but I would get responses like" It's your life" etc. I don't think deep down she wanted to be involved with trying to help my situation. She just wanted me to man up and fix it already. But that wasn't going to happen because I needed time to sort through it.

I think its more that "shutting down" is a turn off to women (usually shallow in nature) like my ex and the OP's ex. They see it as en emotional weakness. It's complex because opening up and spilling your emotions is ultimately a turn off as well so you kind of lose whichever way you go.

I do think the shutting down method does indicate you love them more. A man doesn't want the woman he loves to see him in a mess and struggling so he tries to cover up as best he can.

But yeah as much as talking it out sounds good in theory, there's good reason for not always doing that. Your gut never lies. I'm sure my shutting down contributed to the demise of things but pushing my negative emotions in the name of communication would have most likely lead to the same result. Only time shutting down is not good is when you have a partner who genuinely wants communication (despite its content) and genuinely cares for you. But if you had a partner like that, the BU probably wouldn't have happened.

And OP, I was in a LDR with my ex for about 9 years. Had a BU mid way though that lasted for 6 months or so.

Last edited by marky00; 25th May 2018 at 2:13 PM..
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Old 25th May 2018, 6:51 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
I wouldn't say this was your "fault." I think your shutting down and refusing to discuss your father's death was a relationship killer.

But here's the deal. The fact that you didn't know this was a relationship killer (the whole "i didn't want burden her" thing) shows that you weren't quite ready for a serious relationship.

Great learning lesson, dude. I speak ... because I used to do this. Pissed off every woman I did this withholding with.

The whole point of a relationship is to talk about our lives and get love and receive love, and where we really are as people. Imagine she ended up homeless ... and was living in a homeless shelter ... and had a sister who had died recently ... and decided not to tell you any of this for fear of "burdening" you. You can see the ridiculousness of that.

If you were closed about your father, 100 percent chance that carried over to a lot of other stuff that you were closed about ... and your body language reveals the pain anyway ... so she saw and felt the pain ... but then was told in effect to pretend everything with you.

What you failed to get is that if a partner really likes you, and you're in pain ... they will come over and cook for you ... and hug you and take care of you ... And your job is to figure how exactly you want a partner can help you in grief. And if you're into that other person, you'll do that for them. You could literally spend an afternoon partly crying and telling stories about your dad in her arms .. .and make great love later on ... same night.

Time to work on the skill of intimacy. Google intimacy and sharing and revealing and do some good reading ... and more if you need to.
I get you, I already had a very very long talk with my mother and that already did me a lot of good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
Sounds good in theory but with some partners you just get a gut feeling they don't want to entertain your negative emotions.

I was in a similar situation and I did the same thing as the OP. A couple of times, when it got very bad, I would try and explain to her how bad my situation was but I would get responses like" It's your life" etc. I don't think deep down she wanted to be involved with trying to help my situation. She just wanted me to man up and fix it already. But that wasn't going to happen because I needed time to sort through it.

I think its more that "shutting down" is a turn off to women (usually shallow in nature) like my ex and the OP's ex. They see it as en emotional weakness. It's complex because opening up and spilling your emotions is ultimately a turn off as well so you kind of lose whichever way you go.

I do think the shutting down method does indicate you love them more. A man doesn't want the woman he loves to see him in a mess and struggling so he tries to cover up as best he can.

But yeah as much as talking it out sounds good in theory, there's good reason for not always doing that. Your gut never lies. I'm sure my shutting down contributed to the demise of things but pushing my negative emotions in the name of communication would have most likely lead to the same result. Only time shutting down is not good is when you have a partner who genuinely wants communication (despite its content) and genuinely cares for you. But if you had a partner like that, the BU probably wouldn't have happened.

And OP, I was in a LDR with my ex for about 9 years. Had a BU mid way though that lasted for 6 months or so.
I definitely did care about her and indeed did think that it's "emotional weakness" as you say if I did talk to her about it.

I'm sure she did care, but I guess not enough? I will never know.
I am sure of one thing though, if she had sat me down and explained how she felt, it would have really made me think about our situation and how closed-off I was.

9 years is such a long time, the BU must have been hard. I really hope that you're less closed-off now. I learned now that recovering from any kind of trauma is never as easy as one thinks.
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