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Boyfriend hurt that i had sex with someone after he broke up with me


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Hello everybody,

 

I’m looking for some advice regarding my situation with my boyfriend.

 

Long story short, i m 28, he s 34. He broke up with me last summer, we were broken up for 3 months, i had no idea he would come back.

I was hurt and angry that he dumped me(again) and after almost 2 months i slept with another man(4times).

When we got back together, i told him about it.

He didn t break up with me, we are working things out(sexual problems and stuff)... It s been almost 4 months and it doesn t seem to get well... He is upset that i did it, upset that i told him and he even said that if he cannot move past this we will break up. We are functioning normally most of the time, but he is in his mind constantly upset about this issue. I m having anxiety problems because i don t want to lose him and i have no idea what to do...

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Upset that you moved on after a breakup, what a manipulative chump.

Be careful... people who put undue pressure on others like he is doing to you will do other controlling things...

 

At 34 he should be past this type of behavior...

 

On a side note.. did he not move on during that 3 months and never go out with anybody ? if he went out.. he was trying to have sex.. :)

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TeddyPSmith

I think it’s natural to be hurt by this. He doesn’t have a right to be mad at you though. He is allowed to feel what he feels. I think the best thing you can do is explain to him honestly why you did it and offer him support. It sounds weird that you should have that burden but it would go a long way to resolving this

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The Long Story:

 

 

We met more than 3 years ago while he was still married. We were involved for some time, he broke up with me many times due to his inability to decide what to do regarding his marriage. Each time was so painful, especially that he would always come back and than leave again.

 

Fast forward to last summer, during his divorce, he was really low and scared regarding his children that he broke up with me again to try and work things out with his wife. This didn t happen and the divorce was final 3 days after he ended it with me.

It was so painful and i was so angry, especially that he sent me an email saying that he loves her and has no room in his life for me anymore.

During our relationship we would talk about us having more and being together and i always hoped for a real relationship. Telling me those hurtful things made me believe that this time was really over...

 

During this time, I struggled with anger issues, low self esteem and a really “i don t give a s**t” state of mind. I felt rejected and humiliated and i suffered for losing him. After almost 2 months, i had sex with someone else(a guy i knew from work and kissed once in 2016, during another break up period, when he told me to “move on”).

I had sex with this guy 4 times, i didn t enjoy it, i was just in a state of mind of erasing my ex from my mind...

 

3 months after the break up, my ex comes back. We get back together and i told him about it because i didn t want to lie(he told me long ago that he would have issues if i slept with another man). I told him about it but he didn t ask more questions as i expected... He said he doesn t want to know.

Fast forward 4 monts ago, that guy texted me and i told my boyfriend about it and that s when we talked more about it. I felt i was keeping something from him and instead of risking him asking someday or finding out later, i decided to tell him everything.

 

I feel this is so unfair to me. I understand that he s hurting and i support him, he goes to therapy to work his things out. We love each other and are trying to build a relationship that lasts... But i constantly live in fear that he will not get over this and he will end the relationship...

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FilterCoffee

Your boyfriend’s immature. It’s not like you slept with the guy immediately after your bf broke up with you. You waited 2 months and rightfully tried to move on. Don’t wait for him to break up with you for the third time, do it yourself.

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PegNosePete
We are functioning normally most of the time

He broke up with me last summer

...

I was hurt and angry that he dumped me(again)

Umm. Breaking up multiple times is NOT functioning normally!

 

You should break up with him. This is not a good relationship and you are clearly not a good match for each other.

 

You need to move on and find a guy who will not break up with you multiple times. That is a major RED FLAG that you will never, ever live happily ever after.

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Here are a couple of points to consider:

 

1. He is 24 and was married, had an affair while married, divorced and now but hurt you moved on.

 

2. What kind of commitment do you think you can expect based both on his past and on his age?

 

3. Run

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Here are a couple of points to consider:

 

1. He is 24 and was married, had an affair while married, divorced and now but hurt you moved on.

 

2. What kind of commitment do you think you can expect based both on his past and on his age?

 

3. Run

 

 

Hello,

Thanks for your reply. He is 34, not 24:D

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I think the best thing you can do is explain to him honestly why you did it and offer him support.

 

Really.. why SHE did it ? they were not together... good gosh

 

She shouldn't explain anything.. it's NONE of his business.. period...

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You did nothing wrong. You were free to do what you did. The fact that he's now upset about it is HIS problem.

 

 

Get a grip on yourself. You should not be having anxiety problems & being afraid to lose some guy who 1). thinks he can control your life when he's not in it; 2). has limited compassion; 3). was unfaithful to his WIFE; & 4). can't keep the past in the past to move forward in a healthy way.

 

 

If you two are on the break up make up merry go round recognize that for what it is: you are fundamentally incompatible. Your relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy. Think long & hard about why you are fighting so hard to hold on to something that has not been working for so long.

 

 

End your anxiety by dumping him for good.

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TeddyPSmith
Really.. why SHE did it ? they were not together... good gosh

 

She shouldn't explain anything.. it's NONE of his business.. period...

 

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if she tells him to **** off while also wanting to make it work with him, it will not work. Im offering something that might make it possible for both of them to win.

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Here are a couple of points to consider:

 

1. He is 24 and was married, had an affair while married, divorced and now but hurt you moved on.

 

2. What kind of commitment do you think you can expect based both on his past and on his age?

 

3. Run

 

My bad....however, end result is the same...Run

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He was 1) having an affair 2) cheater and liar 3) dumped you several times 4) then told you he didn't have room in his life for you anymore. So you decided to move on and he's butt hurt and making you look like the bad guy?

 

What a selfish and controlling arsehole.

 

I'm not sure why you're with someone like him. I don't think this is going to end well. It's dysfunctional and it's going to tear your self-esteem to shreds.

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I think it's been said... I stopped reading when I heard he had previously been unfaithful to his WIFE. That's all I need to know...

 

But, further to that, this guy (who slept with another woman while he was MARRIED) has the nerve to be upset because you slept with another guy while you were broken up - totally allowed, by the way. Um, no thank you. Pot, meet kettle... He's a little too self-righteous for me.

 

And, another who says constantly breaking up and getting back together is the sign of an UNhealthy relationship. You seriously need to reconsider... Good luck.

 

PS. I love your name. Turn to the sun, and away from this guy...

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I can tell you with 100% certainty that if she tells him to **** off while also wanting to make it work with him, it will not work. Im offering something that might make it possible for both of them to win.

 

Being manipulated like that in a relationship isn't a win.. it's a loss...

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I really think you need to think... about being with this guy.

 

Most relationships that start as an affair, fail, just saying.

 

That push pull dynamic that you say while you were in the affair, has hurt you more than you know.

 

I know that you love him, but you need to understand that he copes with relationship problems by cheating. That in and of itself is just a really bad deal.

 

Understand that what you did while broken up was not and never will be his business.

 

He is 34, and I am sure that "his wife was a terrible person", "she did not treat him right", he is a tortured soul and he just needs the right woman in his life (you) to make everything OK.

 

No, he is a 34 YO man child that really has no business being with a nice girl like you.

 

And frankly you really need to be done with this guy, the sooner the better...

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Thank you all for your support. He is not a bad man or something, i know he has some issues to work on and he already does that.

 

Except this current issue, we are ok. He knows that wht i did was when we were not together, but the issue is beyond that.

He says that it s always been like this, if the woman he loves is intimate in any way with another man, he cannot be with her anymore.

 

He is upset with me that i told him about this, i say i wanted to be honest and we go round and round throwing words like “what u did, what i did” kind of c*ap... This doesn t happen often and in general we are able to communicate properly.

 

I m guessing this is some deep issue, maybe a mother thing...

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These are just immature games, passing judgment on you so your guilt makes you powerless, DONT FALL FOR THIS!.

 

He's not a child and should be capable of rationality

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He says that it s always been like this, if the woman he loves is intimate in any way with another man, he cannot be with her anymore.

 

 

 

I m guessing this is some deep issue, maybe a mother thing...

 

It's not a "mother thing" per se but it is called a Whore/Madonna complex. He sets up the women he's with as paragons of virtue, pure as the driven snow kind of thing then when he finds out they are human he can't handle it because his illusion is shattered. He also knows that he's a snake so he assumes other men are too & if you were with another man you must be of very low character indeed.

 

I would not waste my time trying to get him to employ a more balanced & reasonable approach.

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Okay, I can understand your BF being "hurt" about this.

 

I personally don't see this as a red flag as he is entitled to "feel" how he feels and he is being honest and trying to talk through it with you from what I have read.

 

Is he treating you poorly or is he simply trying to communicate his feelings?

 

Can you ask him specifically what it is that troubles him about the intimacy with the other guy...i.e. following someone else, measuring up etc.

 

If you can get to the bottom of this, can you work together to help him feel safe with you....I will probably get some flack on this but I do get it, he is hurt, not mad, not controlling just feeling deflated etc.

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Hello everybody,

 

I’m looking for some advice regarding my situation with my boyfriend.

 

Long story short, i m 28, he s 34. He broke up with me last summer, we were broken up for 3 months, i had no idea he would come back.

I was hurt and angry that he dumped me(again) and after almost 2 months i slept with another man(4times).

When we got back together, i told him about it.

He didn t break up with me, we are working things out(sexual problems and stuff)... It s been almost 4 months and it doesn t seem to get well... He is upset that i did it, upset that i told him and he even said that if he cannot move past this we will break up. We are functioning normally most of the time, but he is in his mind constantly upset about this issue. I m having anxiety problems because i don t want to lose him and i have no idea what to do...

 

Bare bones? I can't imagine being in love with a man and deciding that having sex with someone else will make it easy to 'get over it.'

Just me.

 

Now you...what is happening in your head that sex is a weapon. Think about this for a minute.

 

If my fiance and I had a problem and split, the last thing in my head would be getting laid.

If that was his way to handle his emotions, that would be telling, very telling.

 

I don't blame your ex for not taking you back.

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Okay, I can understand your BF being "hurt" about this.

 

I personally don't see this as a red flag as he is entitled to "feel" how he feels and he is being honest and trying to talk through it with you from what I have read.

 

Is he treating you poorly or is he simply trying to communicate his feelings?

 

Can you ask him specifically what it is that troubles him about the intimacy with the other guy...i.e. following someone else, measuring up etc.

 

If you can get to the bottom of this, can you work together to help him feel safe with you....I will probably get some flack on this but I do get it, he is hurt, not mad, not controlling just feeling deflated etc.

 

 

Thank you for your input. We went thru many stages with this problem, we are talking a lot about it, i m not denying his right to be hurt and i m trying to be supportive with all this. We had sexual problems that seem to get better(he would lose his erection or sometimes refuse to have sex with me).

 

The problem, as he puts it it s that i gave something to another man/someone else touched me, stuff like that. He doesn t treat me poorly, we are trying to be friends in this issue, he goes to therapy. He said it s his issue and i cannot help him, that he s the one who can fix it. Latey he s been thinking that perhaps this has to do with his mother somehow, deep childhoow issues...

 

I love him and i don t want this relationship to end because of this... I never cheated on him nor slept with another man when we were together, even if he was married...

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Asunflower, while broken up did he date others ?

 

His reaction to something so normal is a bit unnerving...

It's perfectly normal to date and have sex with others after being broken up.. that is what moving on and living life is about.

 

As long as he learns to drop this and not punish you for his inability to accept something that happened when you weren't together then that would be working through it and a good thing.

 

Hopefully he doesn't let this be a wedge and break you up again.

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thefooloftheyear

The problem, as he puts it it s that i gave something to another man/someone else touched me, stuff like that. He doesn t treat me poorly, we are trying to be friends in this issue, he goes to therapy. He said it s his issue and i cannot help him, that he s the one who can fix it. Latey he s been thinking that perhaps this has to do with his mother somehow, deep childhoow issues...

 

I love him and i don t want this relationship to end because of this... I never cheated on him nor slept with another man when we were together, even if he was married...

 

See bolded...

 

Whether it's right or wrong I have known a number of guys that while they wouldn't care so much who the women they are with had sex with before, if they were with anyone after, then there is about a zero possible chance of a redo...I've had women tell me this as well of men they have been with, but to a lesser degree..

 

 

I know it makes little sense, really, but it's not that rare...I don't know if it's a hurdle he'll ever overcome, especially since there were bedroom issues resulting in the first breakup...

 

Bear in mind, I am not saying you were in the wrong, here...You were clearly free to do whatever you wish....But may have to move on.....sorry..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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