Why Do I Have A Gut Feeling Ex Will Be Back?

[Doubtful35]

I have been in a relationship with my ex for almost 4 years now. Things were very rough in the beginning, but we have worked through many of our problems. I have grown and matured from the relationship and he has as well. Just two months ago, my ex was boasting to me about how I am the one and it feels right. We were very much in love (at least what I thought was love). I am 26 and he is turning 25.

 

Fast forward to now, my ex says there is someone at work he is interested in. This someone and him stare at each other a lot and recently this other girl has given him a little bit of attention. That he is no longer sure of his feelings for me. He tells me that for a long time, he didn't think we would work out because he just simply could not love me the way I wanted him to.

 

Things he says about me:

- I only view you as a best friend

- I love you like family, like a sibling

- I only want what's the best for you

- You're the most important person in my life

- I'm not closing the doors to the future

 

Things he says about breaking up:

- I feel like if I don't explore, I'll regret it

- I need to leave you to figure out my feelings for you

- I have to try and date this other person at work

- I need to validate my feelings for you

- I'm not happy with myself so I can't be happy with you

- He wants to be with someone the OPPOSITE of me. This new woman and him are definitely NOT compatible. He knows this.

 

Things about this other woman at work:

- He only likes the superficial things (looks, career, polite attitude). Mind you I have a great career myself and I am definitely not bad looking at all, nor am I a rude person.

- He says he's only talked to them TWICE briefly and got infatuated

- He says because she is older (by over 10 years), he wants to 'conquer' someone like that, and is interested in the sex with an older woman part.

- He says that regardless if this woman was in the picture or not, he still needs to go on dates with other people to validate something within himself and learn (god know what). So he reiterates that it's not the woman that was the problem, it's his feelings for me. He believes he shouldn't be curious.

 

Honestly, it just sounds like to me it's a work crush. He was not very interested in her in the beginning (from what he tells me), but the moment this other woman showed him a little bit of interest, he couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

Meanwhile, he says that I am the BEST girlfriend he has ever had. I have been supportive, understanding, loving, and has always been there for him. He says that he really wants to love me the way I should be loved, but he doesn't feel the passion anymore and doesn't feel like he ever had that 'romantic' love for me.

 

He also tells me that he feels like he needs to do this to figure out his feelings for me. And that he would rather have no doubts if he ever came back. And of course the whole, 'I feel like I'm going through a life crisis right now!'

 

And guess what? For a moment in time I ACCEPTED all of this. I accepted the break up. I knew he was making a mistake, leaving someone that he can only talk good to others for someone he barely knows. I know that good partners are hard to find and dating is hell, and that finding someone who has loved you unconditionally is so rare these days. Him and I were also very compatible in terms of hobbies, interests, and core morals and values.

 

 

The problem comes from how contradictory he is:

- He only sees me as a best friend/sister but still cuddles with me and wants sex with me. Ew?

- He says he thinks about me ALL THE TIME and respects me.

- When I told him I no longer care about it and he can do whatever he needs to do to grow, he says he misses me already and is even a little depressed that I'm cutting off contact.

- He says he knows him and this other girl won't ever work out and aren't likely compatible but he insists he needs to 'grow' and 'explore' and go through this 'lesson'. Wtf?

- He still calls me boo/baby/babe and still flirts with me

- He says that I am the one person he can truly be comfortable with as himself and he always wants my opinion about everything but I am so important to him.

 

Like what is his deal?

 

I truly loved him unconditionally. But we have gone down this road before as well where he doubts his feelings for me only to want me again. He has had 2 serious relationships prior to me (of course he was much younger). We were even talking about marriage two months ago!

 

He admits there is NOTHING he can complain about me and I have been a terrific girlfriend. The only petty things he can manage to blame me on are things from the past. I had a moment when I was very lazy and that was like 2 years ago. I have changed so much. But he says he just cannot love me the way he should. I told him all relationships will lose that spark and turn into comfort. He says he simply doesn't find me attractive and never did, but tried to love me.

 

It's breaking my heart but I'm also accept it with a grain of salt. I don't want him to go and explore things with this other woman at work but I also know I can't stop him. He's single and I'm single and that's that. But I know I can't ever forgive him if he chooses someone else over me, after all I have given him and done for him.

 

But for some gut wrenching feeling, I feel like he will regret it. His actions and words all tell me he does love me deeply but has this fairy tale fantasy of what love should be.

 

He consistently says he doesn't know for sure what he feels for me, but also tells me he doesn't love me at all.

 

And WORST OF ALL, his entire family (who loves me btw) ALL disagree with his choice to leave me and go explore 'what may be better out there'.

 

Everyone thinks he will regret it. Yet he still decides that he needs to 'grow' and 'date around' and try and figure out his 'feelings for me'.

 

This gut feeling of knowing his regret simply won't go away. The thought of him dating this other woman hurts, and I think it's simply disappointing that he is willing to throw it all away for a little bit of 'fun' as he put it. But again, he says he 'has to do this' or he will always be curious for other people. I told him our relationship will never be the same after this, and it may no longer be reparable.

 

He is VERY confident he can chase me back once he figures out his 'love' for me. He isn't a player either and he is very honest and straightforward, so I'll commend him for that. He tells me it breaks his heart to lose me but also wants me to date and see other people too.

 

I can't understand how him dating other people will allow him to find out if he loves me. I just have this feeling he does and my intuition has never been this strong before.

 

I know he will regret it.

 

And I feel like even he knows too.

 

How do I handle this? Or am I just being delusional?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

And just a little bit more info: My ex has also treated me really well. We have always been there for each other. There is nothing we can really hate or resent each other for. And to be honest, I thought we were happy. And we are very compatible. I just don't understand why he has this need to see others and is always so curious about others, and now is leaving me with the excuse of 'it's not because of this woman, it's because I was never truly happy with you.' when he actions really spoke differently....

Edited March 23, 2018 by Doubtful35

[JDJ]

He is telling you directly that he is not really into you as a lover, partner, wife material. He tells you he doesn't love you, but you have a feeling that he does.

 

This is not some kind of test that you get to pass if you do all of the right things. Or that you get the guy if you can prove that you are "better" than the other girl. Nothing is necessarily fair about it.

 

I am not sure of the backstory of why he is your ex and came back once already. Maybe that is an influence. But it sure sounds like you should just let him go. And then take some time for yourself to let the wounds heal and start again without worrying about him, or if he'll regret his leaving.

[Doubtful35]

He is telling you directly that he is not really into you as a lover, partner, wife material. He tells you he doesn't love you, but you have a feeling that he does.

 

This is not some kind of test that you get to pass if you do all of the right things. Or that you get the guy if you can prove that you are "better" than the other girl. Nothing is necessarily fair about it.

 

I am not sure of the backstory of why he is your ex and came back once already. Maybe that is an influence. But it sure sounds like you should just let him go. And then take some time for yourself to let the wounds heal and start again without worrying about him, or if he'll regret his leaving.

 

Thank you for your input. His main reason is that he tells me he is confused and is just curious on seeing other people, because he doesn't 'feel' like he loves me. He says he loves me in every way but isn't sure if he does romantically.

 

My issue is that he consistently still treats me like a couple and compliments me on being such a good girlfriend to him despite 'not being sure' about his feelings. His infatuation from work has catalyzed him from telling me that he loves me deeply and that I am the one into 'I don't feel like my feelings are there for you.'

 

So I am accepting the fact that I have to let him go, but his on and off signs of showing me he loves me and then telling he 'has to date others to be sure I am the one' is breaking me into pieces.

 

Also I have not done any begging or chasing or anything to 'get him back'. I fully recognize that when he makes up his mind, I simply cannot change it. But lately I've been feeling like he doesn't even know what is on his mind. I guess I just keep trying to guess what he wants from me. He can go from just saying that I'm only a best friend to I'm more than just a best friend. How I'm the best to him and he will never find someone he connects with so well to how he doesn't love me.

 

It's been back and forth turmoil for him, and he believes him dating other people (not seriously) will allow him to see if I am the one. He also tells me he feels great pain and hurt and remorse for hurting me, and that he is deeply hurt too from the thought of losing me and he doesn't know why. But he also says he has accepted losing me forever if it means he has to do this to find out if he feels love for me. Yet he has a lot of trouble letting me go.

 

Even when he is drunk (and he doesn't get drunk often), I am the one he says that he wants to text and call first because he trusts me with his life and safely, that I make him feel safe, secure, and valued.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Doubtful35

[JDJ]

It does sound painful. It would be better if he just left you alone without the back and forth. I am not sure what to suggest to you though.

[ExpatInItaly]

His behaviour is typical for a dumper who is test-driving someone else. He likely is confused but not so much that he isn't willing to risk his relationship with you for her. He may not intentionally be doing this, but he's keeping you just warm enough in case she and him don't work out.

 

He obviously isn't convinced that she's not a match for him if he's trying to date her. He's telling you that they will never work, yes, but his actions speak louder than his words here. Even if he believes they're not compatible, he still wants to try her (or others) out more than he wants to stay with you. This doesn't bode well for a future together. And this isn't the first time he has had doubts. Take it from someone who's been in almost exactly the same position as you are now - this is a sign he's not the right person fro you and he knows it.

 

Dumpers sometimes have a hard time weaning themselves off long relationships too, even when they know it's the right choice. My guess is that he does indeed miss you in some ways (how could he not after years together) but his desire to see what else is out there and date others is overriding that. You are comfortable and familiar to him. But that's not enough to keep him from trying out someone else, unfortunately.

 

Many dumpees have the gut feeling their exes will return. Some do, some don't. It's better if you stay away from him for a while, as you don't want to become his emotional crutch to lean on and his warm body to enjoy while he moves on with someone else.

Edited March 23, 2018 by ExpatInItaly