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Saw ex for the first time in NINE months?


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faithandfood

Sorry this is going to be kind of long. I just really need advice. So I'm a 19 yr old virgin, who has never dated before. I met this 24 yr old guy at a party in November. Was hesitant at first, but I decided to give him a chance. This was the first time a guy treated me like this (I have anxiety). I noticed how we had certain things in common and how we made a lot of jokes. One red flag I noticed was how he pressured me to kiss him the second time we hung out. Besides that, I still decided to see him (despite my mother's objections).

 

When I was at college, he came to see me once a week. We would spend the whole day together. We go to different colleges as he is a grad student, and I'm a sophomore nursing student. My mom didn't want me to see him because of an incident in April. My little sister saw how a girl sent him a "Netlfix and Chill" message.. something that hurt me, but we talked about and decided to move on from it. He "claims" he never received a message like that. Around this time, we started to get closer and the relationship became physical (making out/dry humping/he would rub me).

 

Fast forward to summer... this is where I noticed things were getting a little different. Because of my mom, I managed to meet up with him about once a week. I took summer classes so our time was limited. We would spend about 2-4 hrs together, but I noticed how physical things were getting. We would talk for like 20 mins, then the remainder of the time would be making out, which I enjoyed at times tbh but I was still worried. I told him several times how I wanted to save myself for marriage, and he said he wouldn't pressure me. Well mid-June, I asked him whether the fooling around would lead to sex/and whether that was something he was going to expect. He got mad because he said that I'm making it seem like he only wants it.

 

Well I went to his place the next day, and he pressured me to take off my underwear. Also talked me into him giving me oral, and got mad because I didn't give it back to him, despite the fact I told twice that I was scared and not ready. When I said no, he left me in the bed, partially naked. He didn't even let me kiss him or anything as he was mad. Because of his, I felt ashamed and regretted my actions... ANYWAYS. When I tried to talk about how I felt, he started blaming me by calling me selfish and hung on me when we were on the phone. I noticed how he started to talk to me less before this even happened. When I told him about the lack of communication, he said he was busy.

 

Anyways, I can't stop thinking about him as it's been 4 weeks NC and two months since I last saw him. I told him I couldn't handle the pressure and disrespect, as he last said he will distance himself from me so he won't hurt me anymore. I thought maybe he would try and least fight for the relationship. But I guess not. I haven't been able to fully focus. I regret opening up to him. I already know he probably is seeing someone else or already having sex (he is not a virgin). Sorry this was so long. Thanks.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Cookiesandough

I'm sorry:( You made the right decision to stand up for yourself and to not to sleep with him. This guy is a jerk. If he cared about you he would pressure you to get physical and disrespect you like that.

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Sorry u felt this way I think he's left because he can see what that means to u and he can't fulfill this so he's left. We all feel that way wen an ex leaves believe me they play in ur head like a tape 24/7 and it's got nothing to do wth age either believe me.

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He was your 1st BF so of course you are going to dwell on things. You were together for 7-8 months which is considerable.

 

From the age difference alone, most of us would have warned you that there was going to be sexual pressure. No matter what he said most 24 year old men want sex. He probably wasn't a creep but he also probably thought he could talk you into it by at least the 6 month mark.

 

Here's the thing though -- if you want to keep your virginity, do not get horizontal and keep your panties on! No means no. But that message is stronger & more clear when you are fully dressed then half naked.

 

Because you were getting pressure, ending this was the right thing to do.

 

Also going forward, don't sneak around behind your mom's back. She loves you unconditionally & has your best interest at heart. Most men you meet will not do either.

 

Don't regret dating him. You learned a lot.

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faithandfood

I know. I regret taking them off. Because without my permission, he also placed his private on top of mine for about ten seconds. I just hope I didn't catch anything. And the thing is, it hurts because besides the pressuring, I liked him. He was the only person I was close to as well. I thought maybe he would ask for a friendship..that's why I'm confused to why he still kept me on social media. I'm going to be attending a concert as he will be there too. I hope I do not see him or bump into him. And you're right. Yeah I didn't want to sneak around, but I just wanted to see him. Even before this happened, my mom would routinely ask about him, and I was thinking of telling her we were exclusive. But I told her already about it ending, and she just said I hope I find someone better. I didn't tell her about the details or circumstances because I know she will be highly upset with me.

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You don't have to tell your mom details about your relationship but parents do need to be informed about the people you are dating when you are young.

 

Go to the concert. If you see him, square your shoulders, give him a tight smile & move on. Act like he doesn't phase you. If you have to bite your cheek & dig your nails into your palm to appear cool & composed to him do it. The walk to the ladies' room & cry your eyes our or puke if you have to but do not let him see you upset.

 

While I highly doubt you "caught" anything from that contact, if you are concerned ask your doctor to run an STD test for you. If you are on your parents' health insurance ask how the bill / EOB will be written to protect your medical privacy

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faithandfood

I'm just wondering. I'm going through my first breakup now, and it's been something.

Background: 19yr, dated a 24 yr old for eight months. He was the first person I ever dated, and I was hesistant many times but I decided to give him a chance (and many actually) This is what happened:

So I saw my ex like once a week due to classes. In June, he wanted me to come to his place, which I did. Now he's not a virgin, but I am, and I always told him how I wanted to wait until marriage. I told him from the get go. At first, he wasn't too pressuring as we just stuck to fooling around like making out. The day before I went to his place, we met the previous day and he wanted to see my private. I declined because I wasn't comfortable. So I later asked him on the phone if he was expecting sex from me? He got mad and said that I'm acting like he only wants it. I don't know what I was thinking at the time (hormones), but he then asked what I thought about oral. I said I was unsure and he started saying how it was safer and blah blah. So when I went to his place, we started making out. He then pressured me to take off my underwear, which I highly regret, but I did. He then asked me twice to give him oral, but I said no because I was not going to do that. He said okay. Now, the day before, he mentioned that he was going to go down on me. Again, at the time, I wasn't thinking so I asked if he was still going to go down (another thing I regret). He did for like two minutes. Now before he went down, I asked him whether it's okay if I don't give him anything. He said it was okay.

After he was done, he asked me again and I said no. He got mad and when I tried to pleasure him differently, he got mad and left me in the bed. He then went out for like 5 mins. So basically, I was left in the bed, partially naked. I felt so so ashamed of myself. After he came back, his demeanor changed and he just asked me, "are you okay?" I was upset so I just said yeah. Whenever he dropped me off, he didn't even talk to me as he knew I was upset. This made me more upset. So before I left, I told him how he was guilt-tripping me. He basically didn't respond and said, "Should I say sorry?" Besides that, he kept reminding me that he had a soccer practice to go to. That hurt so bad. He didn't even call or talk to me afterwards.

The next day, I posted on my Snap story how I was regretting. I ignored for two days because I was upset. When I finally talked to him, I told him how I felt and he didn't care to ask why. I recommended we talk on the phone, which he agreed. When we first talked, I simply asked him how he felt about what happened. This led to personal attacks as he called me selfish, he pointed out how I have an emotional wall, and he even cut me off because his friend came over. I had to wait FIVE hours for him to call me back. Once he did, we were arguing and he started saying hurtful things like, "you think I'm gonna leave you once we have sex. What if you leave me?" "Do you know how easy it is to get sex?" "Why would I waste this with you?" Since nothing was resolved, I told him to call me the next day.

Now this was the last straw. I noticed how he was being utterly dishonest and apathetic. He did eventually call, but when I asked him about honesty, he HUNG up on me and blocked my number. I had to call through my sister's phone. His reason: I was asking too much questions and being inconsiderate...when I only asked him about honesty once. Anyways, I was done and ignored him as he messaged me later, "are you okay?" Couldn't even call. The following week, he started texting me, "Why are you doing this?" "If you don't feel the same way, let me know so I can't stop bothering you" again, guilt tripping and I sent him how I felt, and how he could talk to other girls. I then didn't see his response and decided to not open the message until four days later. I used a texting app, and I thought maybe he would call or anything, but he last said, "You're wrong for leaving me hanging. It was good knowing you. I won't bother you again"

NOW I thought that was the end, and he wasn't going to contact me anymore. It wasn't until a week later (July) where he sent me a message on Snap and asked why I cut him off. I wasn't even intending to until I saw what he last sent me. So I spilled my heart out, how he pressured me, lied, disrespected, and didn't care anymore. He didn't apolgize as he was just defending himself. How I ask too many questions, how I don't trust him. So I didn't even think he was going to end things. I thought that he would try to work things out cause I really did like him.

He last told me, "I'm sorry if what I did wasn't enough for you. I hope you find someone that will treat you right. I'll keep my distance. I don't want to hurt you anymore." And that was that

It's been 5 weeks NC and two months since I last him. We still follow each other on Twitter and he has me on Snap (he watches my story, but I recently changed it to private).

Sorry it's so long. I appreciate any advice. I'm just confused and hurt as I was there for him, opened myself up to him, and he would end things like this..he would always tell me how I made him happy, that he loves me, that he likes me more than any girl he know. He was the first guy I showed to my mom. And I have anxiety and self esteem issues due to being assaulted/bullied, plus my parents are dysfunctional at times. He was the only person I confided in these last 8 months. I regret so much. Even before the breakup, I noticed how he would communicate with me less, and he claimed that he was busy. I have a feeling he already met someone else.

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This is the same Q you posted the other day with more details: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631768-why-can-t-i-stop-thinking-about-my-ex-what-do-you-think-about-break-up

 

Bottom line: Even though you told him you were a virgin who wanted to wait until marriage he honestly thought that by the 6 month mark he'd get you to give it up to him. When you didn't, he got frustrated. He viewed you as a tease because you took your underwear off, let him give you oral & then refused to reciprocate.

 

The idea of if you love something set it free is not this. It's telling people not to be clingy. People who love other people stick around of their own free will not because their partners keep them tied down. It does not mean that when you break up the other person will ever come back.

 

Unfriend / unfollow him from all social media. You will not heal while you are still tethered to him.

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ExpatInItaly

You should love yourself enough to set yourself free.

 

This was not a healthy relationship. What you had with this guy isn't love, OP. Therefore, you need to respect yourself more to walk away when something turns toxic.

 

I am very sorry you've had such a tough time of things growing up. You sound like you need a big hug and a reminder of what is special about you, so that you can strengthen your self-esteem enough not to become attached to people who are not good for you.

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faithandfood

So I've been waiting for this concert for the past two months. I knew my ex was going to be there because he was one of the promoters. Well background on the breakup: we broke up on July 6. No contact since. He has me on Snap and Twitter. Broke up with him because of the way he treated me after not giving him a BJ. He was pressuring (I'm a virgin), personally attacked me, and wasn't honest. First bf ever and we dated for 8 months.<br>I was having a great time during the first half. I decided to go the restroom and when I came out, I felt someone staring at me. He gave me the meanest glare and I glanced at him, and quickly went back to my area. He then PURPOSELY brought his new girlfriend in front of where I was with my friend. I didn't even know until I looked up. Because of this, I quickly moved to a different area. Next thing you know I see his girlfriend looking my way and smiling. Smh, who knows what he told her about me. When the main artist came out, they were again in front and I could see everything. They were grinding, flirting, he looked happy. I couldn't even fully concentrate on the concert. After it ended, I cried in the bathroom. The fact that he moved on after just a month hurts so much. And that fact he purposely tried to intimidate me.<br>He was the first guy I opened up to since 2011. He knows I'm sensitive and has anxiety. It all makes sense now that he didn't bother fighting for the relationship. The girl is gorgeous as well. I have been crying since and honestly feel like crap. I hate him.

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Ho:eek:n, there are few men as sleazy as a concert promoter. There are always silly women willing to give them BJ's for concert favors. You did the right thing breaking up with him when he was disrespectful to you as a person. He sounds like a jerk. So of course he's going to act like a jerk after you broke up with him. And of course he's got some woman nearby at any kind of concert to pretend she's a girlfriend but he doesn't want a girlfriend. He just wants BJ's so leave them to it and be glad you found out what type of sleazeball he was and how little he valued you as a person before it went any further. You can surely do better and good luck

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abandoned386

I know nothing we will say will take the pain away as fast as you or we would like, but I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine the pain of having to see that.. And shame on him to say the least for ruining the concert that you had been looking forward to. Let me just say that you are the clear winner here.. I promise you. You don't need that in your life.. Others have hit the nail on the head.. If sexual favors were so important to him, I'm sure he'd cheat to partake in any sleazy opportunity.. And I don't like the feeling that he seemed to be using you for it either. I don't think you're supposed to ask for it.. You're supposed to be thankful when your partner gifts you with it. Again, I'm sorry for what he did to you, to say the least. Not sure of your ages but it was an insanely immature move on his part. I believe in karma and I believe he will feel an emotional pain worse than what he caused you someday. I don't mean I wish it on him, but I'm just saying. You don't need that in your life. Take the time you need to get over this d-bag and then focus on finding someone way better who actually deserves you.

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I am not sure if he actually was a jerk. He is a 24 year old non-virgin.

Dated since Nov 2016 no sex.

OP got naked one night he gave her oral and she refused to give him a BJ.

He essentially dumped her after that.

 

Moral of the story if you are a virgin and want to save sex for marriage do not get naked and horizontal and accept oral from horny 24 yo guys...

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faithandfood

Thank you. I'm trying my best to keep my head up as this has been a very painful summer. I always keep to myself and study as I am a 4.0 student. During the first months, I was very hesistant and asked him if he was going to pressure me for sex. He said no, but with the way things were going, I was scared. He would always "you'll get used to it. It'll feel weird now." And I am a religious person so I asked him if he was just lusting after me. I didn't kiss this jerk for FOUR months because I believed that was bad. He pressured me to do that as well. What hurts the most is I feel ashamed of myself for even engaging in that. I feel like I lost myself as he pressured me to take off my underwear. And like you said, about getting the opportunity to have sex, you know he said that sex is easy to get and if that was case, why would he be with me. I gave him so many chances. In April, my sister found a message on his phone from a girl asking him to "Netflix and chill". Who knows if that was the girl. But I let it slide because I "loved him" and he wouldn't hurt me (as he said he wouldn't three times). When I even tried to work things out, this guy hung on me as he said I asked the same questions over and over again (as they were questions pertaining to sex, his past relationship, STDs etc). It all hurts.

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faithandfood

He last told me that he would keep his distance so he wouldn't hurt me anymore. He still talks to ex who cheated on him with several guys. I gave my all this guy. I would stay up for him, buy him gifts, give him wellness advice, listen to his stories, sacrifice my studying time. And this is what I get in return.

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faithandfood

It's not like I opened my legs from the get go. Since it was eight months, I thought maybe it was going to be long term so I was like, okay maybe this can be an alternative. It didn't occur to me until after that he was just using me. I told him that I didn't want to engage in oral because I was scared, and I even asked him if he wanted to go down on me as he said that was fine. When I refused to give him back, this guy left me in the bed, partially naked for like five minutes. So..but I learned my lesson.

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It would be best that your next relationship is with a guy who has made the same decision as you regarding not having sex before marriage. If you don't heed this advice you are going to experience this same disappointment with any guy you want who is sexually active. Most guys in their early 20s are very sexually active or constantly thinking about it.

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Ok, so this happened: Broke up with him because of the way he treated me after not giving him a BJ. He was pressuring (I'm a virgin), personally attacked me, and wasn't honest.

 

And, you're worrying about what he told her?????? C'mon. This girl has not gotten herself a prize and she may be rowing the same boat you did after their little "honeymoon"/endorphin fest ends!!!!

 

Get a grip. The guy was a dbag. Focus on that.

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I am not sure if he actually was a jerk. He is a 24 year old non-virgin.

Dated since Nov 2016 no sex.

OP got naked one night he gave her oral and she refused to give him a BJ.

He essentially dumped her after that.

 

Moral of the story if you are a virgin and want to save sex for marriage do not get naked and horizontal and accept oral from horny 24 yo guys...

 

Still sounds like a jerk to me.

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faithandfood

I doubt they will break up because she's probably not a virgin. He told me he last had sex in November, which was before he met me. He's got what he wanted now so..

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f&f,

 

Lol didn't mean it like that. But I mean now sex won't be an issue.

 

maybe not, but him being an abusive person will be :rolleyes:

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