Should I just go with no contact?

[AmIMatureEnough]

My girlfriend and I broke up this past Tuesday after 3.5 years, and we started dating when we were 23-24 years old. The odd thing was that a year ago, I had constantly struggled with staying in the relationship as well. I knew deep down inside that we were not right for each other. We both just had different goals in life, very little common interests, and were just ignoring all of our problems. I knew the only thing that was powering our relationship was blind love, and devotion.

 

Yet, I held back on breaking up with her back then. She has had a rough life, and was very mentally fragile when we first started dating. She had very deep abandonment issues from past events in her life, and lived in constant fear of it. So I told myself that I would not just be another person that abandoned her because I did love and care about her a lot. I did not want to be the one to break her even more than she was already.

 

Finally this past week she told me that she finally recognized all the insurmountable differences we had, and the impending time limit on our relationship. We had an honest talk, and I agreed with her that the differences were too much to carry this relationship much further.

 

This should have been the ideal situation. She had control of the break-up, and we ended it amicably. Neither one of us hates the other, and she didn't feel like I abandoned her. Yet, here I am feeling content with the decision, but empty at the same time. Checking on her social media constantly, thinking about if she is doing well, and yearning to talk to her again.

 

Is it just a habit that I have to give time to break? If so, do I really just have to cut her out of my life to heal?

 

I don't think it is truly regret, but maybe it is on some level?

 

Is it because I just keep remembering all the good times? Because we honestly did have a lot of them, and all of our fights/bad times were petty and forgettable.

 

Part of me knows that once I cutting her off there's a high likelihood that it is final time I'll ever see her. She isn't the type to would want to re-connect once the line has been completely severed because she doesn't want to deal with the potential pain that exists. She has ignored friends in the past that want to re-connect because the pain that caused them to lose touch was still to real to her. We agreed that we needed to at least stop texting, and calling each other for the next few weeks to allow the separation to settle in. But the pain and temptation is so great that I feel like it is easier to just delete the possibility.

 

tl;dr - Why does it hurt so damn much when I know the right decision was made?

[Marc878]

You've already went through the pros and cons on this and reached a decision.

 

Now you're backtracking? Why?

 

Go NC you'll never is her once you're over it.

 

Why live with this drama in your life?

[bluecastle]

After so much time with someone, doubts about the decision, now that its been made, are inevitable. Regardless of whether you thought it was working or not, and clearly you didn't, now that you're apart there is a void. And in that void is pain, longing, all the thorns.

 

Just remember: you've known for over a year that this wasn't working out, and she accepts that too. You both need to move forward, and need some space to do that, to ride the waves of emotions that will come and, believe it or not, settle. You'll be happier soon.

 

I'm writing from recent experience. Ended a 3 yr relationship in Sept that I always suspected wasn't the best fit. Still, it's been devastating. Nearly six months out, though, things have gotten brighter. The pain is still there, but with it a lot more acceptance and excitement about what's next.

 

You'll get there...

[AmIMatureEnough]

So based on the replies I've been reading on the forum, everyone generally seems like a fan of no contact with exes. I have continued to do no contact for about a week now.

 

However... before we broke up. My ex is about to graduate pharmacy school in about 1.5 months, and we worked really hard together on her pharmacy residency applications/interviews. The pharmacy residency match day results are released tomorrow at 8AM, and I know it has been a huge source of stress for her the last month or so.

 

Should I at the very least just text her good luck about tomorrow's results?

[Marc878]

You are just looking for an excuse to contact her.

 

No, is the correct answer.

 

She made it clear. What did you not get?

[AmIMatureEnough]

You are just looking for an excuse to contact her.

 

No, is the correct answer.

 

She made it clear. What did you not get?

 

You're not wrong, but I am also legitimately hopeful that she is successful tomorrow. We ended on relatively good terms, and I don't hate her. I don't deny that I am missing her companionship, but I also want to be a good person.

 

She took the day off work weeks ago for match day because she knew she was going to be a big ball of anxiety. I remember that, and I want her to know she is going to be just fine tomorrow, and she will match somewhere.

[Marc878]

Let her go. It's what she wants.

 

If you chase they just move farther away.

 

You're better off to leave her alone.

[canadaman817]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, that must be hard after being together for so long. It sounds like you guys made the right decision and avoided what could have become a toxic long-term relationship or marriage. Unfortunately, though it may hurt, it sounds like keeping to what you agreed upon with avoiding contact is likely better. Do you have someone else you can turn to when you feel tempted to contact her, like a friend? Do you have other interests you can pursue or start up to help keep your mind occupied? I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing her well or praying for her with her exam, but re-opening a line of communication could potentially be unhealthy.

[AmIMatureEnough]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, that must be hard after being together for so long. It sounds like you guys made the right decision and avoided what could have become a toxic long-term relationship or marriage. Unfortunately, though it may hurt, it sounds like keeping to what you agreed upon with avoiding contact is likely better. Do you have someone else you can turn to when you feel tempted to contact her, like a friend? Do you have other interests you can pursue or start up to help keep your mind occupied? I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing her well or praying for her with her exam, but re-opening a line of communication could potentially be unhealthy.

 

Thank you, and I think you are right about us avoiding a toxic relationship later on. I actually have been pretty good at contacting my friends whenever I get the urge to contact her instead, and it has been very helpful.

 

I just thought this day would be a little different. We were both previously very nervous about this day together because we knew it would decide where she got placed for the next 2 years for advanced training. Together we worked on her applications, and coached her through interviews. So knowing that today would be particularly stressful for her on top of recently ending our relationship, I thought it might be a nice thing to do.

 

I was actually the one that suggested that at the very least we don't see each other face-to-face for a while, which she did not think was necessary. I just think it would be healthier for us to physically separate for a time period to get used to being single again. When she asked if that meant calls and texts as well, I said for the time being, yes... However, I wasn't thinking about today when I said that.

 

In any case, I didn't text her, and instead decided to put the ball in her court. I have found out through mutual friends that she did indeed match at a program she was previously excited about, which makes me feel better. I am hoping that she will personally text me the results of the match since she knows I am probably wondering and worrying along with her. If so, I will genuinely congratulate her, and wish her good luck on her future career, but I will do my best to hold off on making first contact.

[CaliBabe]

I'm sorry you are going through this but it very much sounds like you are doing the right thing. The familiarity will be what you will struggle with the upcoming weeks but I promise with proper NC it will become less intense.

 

NC is really what is best for both parties to move on. Good luck and good job on making the right decision here.

[AmIMatureEnough]

Well she contacted me first, and asked me when I would be able to come by to get my stuff from her apartment.

 

Trying to figure out the best response, and not seem mean. I briefly thought about asking her to pack everything up, and leave the apartment when I come, but that seems kind of mean and petty. I have stuff of hers that I can drop off too, and a key to her apartment still. I feel like it is too risky for us to see each other face-to-face right now, especially without me feeling like I still miss her companionship.

[Marc878]

Pick a time and tell her you'll return her stuff too.

 

Get it all. Make it a one time deal or have a friend go by and exchange for you

[AmIMatureEnough]

Pick a time and tell her you'll return her stuff too.

 

Get it all. Make it a one time deal or have a friend go by and exchange for you

 

May not be possible. We moved to different cities recently and long-distance was kind of the motivator for this breakup. However, before we were long-distance, we lived together for 1.5 years, and I left a lot amount of things behind. The plan was always for her to bring it with her whenever she moved back in with me. I am honestly not sure that I can fit all my stuff in my sedan in 1 trip because I can't remember how much there is anymore, especially things we bought together (i.e. couch).

[CantTakeMySmile]

U-Haul it. Those are pretty cheap

[AmIMatureEnough]

Today has been a step back.

 

The last two days I started to feel like myself again, but today I was swept with an overwhelming sense of regret.

 

I started to think about all the little things she used to do for me to show me she cared. Even though we had very little common interests, she would always put effort into learning about the things I was interested in. The little gifts and care packages she sent me while we were long-distance this year. When she visited, we wanted nothing more, but for us to spend all day in bed holding each other knowing she would have to leave again.

 

I started fearing that I will never love anyone as deeply as I loved her, and that maybe we gave up too soon. Did I love her enough to change parts of my identity, so that our life goals do align? Is she willing to do the same for me? Can we still make this work, or are we just setting ourselves up for failure again?

 

I want so badly to reach out to her, and ask her these questions. I know I probably shouldn't, but I feel like I have no sense of closure until I do. How can I feel closure breaking up over the phone with someone that I still love so much?

[JennFoss]

I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my ex in November 4.5 months ago and it felt like I would literally die. The pain was too much for me. I was in despair, confusion, regret and lots of yearning and so many questions.

 

I wanted answers, a closure. I obsessed to get answers not just from him but from everyone else. I needed someone to explain what happened, why, how? How can two people love so deeply then it all crumbles and vanishes over night? I always struggle with breakups and struggle to move on. It feels like it sucks the life out of me.

 

After 5 weeks of NC we both started talking again. We talked for like a month regularly and now I regret it so much. It brought out even more hurt and pain. I had hope that we’ll get back together but over time it became appearent we won’t. Not now, not ever. I struggled to even get through one day. I distracted myself with everything around me. I would cry every day.. sometimes sobbing, sometimes just a few tears, and sometimes unbelievable pain feeling in my chest. That feeling of doom and gloom, dread.

 

Only once I went NC again and stuck with it that I started feeling normal again. My logical part took over me. Do I want to feel this way for 4 more months!? 6 months? A year? Forever!? NO! And deleting him out of my life was the only possible solution to fix myself. I got selfish. I knew there’s a chance he’ll feel hurt but now only I matter. He’s not in a relationship with me so I gotta look out just for me, I know he’ll be doing the same.

 

I deleted him everywhere, our pictures, texts... and I started to literally forget how he sounds, how he smelled, how he looked like (sometimes forgetfulness is a blessing!) I still have his phone number but I know eventually I’ll delete it when I’m ready.

 

Just know what you’re feeling is so normal, but it doesn’t mean the breakup is wrong. It means that’s how you love, you love hard and deep. You miss lavishing your love on someone. You’ll love again and maybe even harder... but you gotta recover and leave this behind so you go into a new relationship healed and ready to really love and be loved back.