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Breakup with girlfriend of 4 years after she kissed another man [Update]


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somuchgrief

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, and the last 11 months we have been long-distance. I took a job that was 3.5 hours away in a city where I did not know a single soul.

 

Three days ago, she confessed to me that recently she has been getting feelings for another guy because they have been confiding in each other for the last 3 weeks or so. She said they have never had sex, or done anything sexual, but admits that the thoughts have crossed her mind and this past weekend she kissed him at a friend's birthday celebration at a bar. She immediately regretted doing it, and left the bar right afterwards.

 

This is the first time she has ever sought emotional support from another man, and the only time she has cheated on me. It is not, however, the first time we have had doubts about our relationship. My girlfriend handles stress really poorly like most people, and often that bleeds over as insecurity/uncertainty in our relationship. Recently, she has been trying to cope with graduation, finding out the next step of her life with residency program matching, and has been overall very stressed. Obviously, she crossed a line this time in dealing with her stress and insecurity. She has owned up to it, and said that she is sorry, and she felt so guilty that she could hurt someone she loved so much, especially since she has had 2 boyfriends in the past that cheated on her. She said she is so confused, and doesn't know if the kiss of a moment of weakness, or if this was her subconscious telling her she has truly fallen out of love with me this past year.

 

She said that this past year of long-distance, I have seemed more out-of-reach, and our phone conversations have seemed to trend to just talking about me and my life problems. I can't deny this is partly true. I am at a new job in a new city that I hate, and I am all by myself here. When I call her 75% of the time, it is to confide in her, and tell her how much my life has been sucking recently, and I have so much regret in moving away from her. She did tell me a few times this year that our conversations have been really heavy on her, and she feels like she has to support all of my negative energy. I would also try to stop talking about it for a few days or weeks, but eventually I will go back to my routine of bitching. I thought about finding a counselor here as a confidante instead because quitting the job is just not a option for several reasons, but I never acted on it. She said that she feels like she has been my therapist for a 11 months, and that is not what she wanted in our relationship.

 

We been having this conversation for a 2 days now, and yesterday she called me and told me she has had thought about things, and she has made her decision. She said out of respect for the last 4 years, she wants to tell me her decision in-person, which may take a few days to happen. In other times when we have come close to breaking up, she would emotionally shut down, and just become a robot willing to accept whatever decision brings her the least harm. From the tone of our last conversation, I have a strong suspicion she has gotten to that point, and has started to put up her defenses for what she thinks is the inevitable outcome. When we lived together, I was always be able to slowly prod her to open up, and realize she is purposely shutting me out as a defense mechanism, and we could eventually talk about and work out the core issues.

 

I, on the other hand, have not made my "final decision." Now that she has confided all these feelings to me, I finally understand how selfish I have been the last year, and it has shaken me. When I asked her if she thought the first 3 years were the same, and she said she doesn't think she will ever find someone that will treat her as well as I did the first 3 years, but thinks that I have been taking her for granted recently. She wishes we could go back to those times, but doesn't think it is possible anymore.

 

I had recognized that long-distance had been really rough on our relationship, but I was blindly powering through because I was hoping that it would all be better once she moved here. We had been making plans for her to move back in with me this summer, and that was my "end of the rainbow" these last 6 months. She even had a month off school last month, and stayed with me the whole time, and it was so fantastic. I thought everything was doing fine, and talked about getting engaged in the Fall once she moved in and settled in at her new job. She talked about how great it would be to have me by her side again, and we were physically insatiable in bed. I had no indication she was struggling with things, but I guess she has been hiding those feelings because she didn't want to stress me out.

 

This event has also made me take inventory of my life, and my goals. It made me realized that there were a LOT of holes in our relationship that I never addressed. A lot of her past fears were always centered around our future together, our families coming from vastly different cultures, our religion are conflicting, and what holds it all together? I have always told her that we would address them as they come, but that she should know without a doubt that I love her, and I am willing to work through any issue or mountain that comes up to make it work. However, now I realize that the reason I avoided talking about those fears is because I was also afraid of them.

 

This is not to say the last 4 years were use just blindly holding on. We have worked through a lot of significant milestones, which made our relationship stronger. They were just always things that we addressed as they came up, and we knew if we didn't work on them, it would be the end. We never sat down to talk about the issues that hadn't came up yet, but we both knew were bound to happen eventually. There have been a few conversations in the past where she told me she would not budge on something in our future, and I lied and told her that was fine instead of honestly telling her it bothered me.

 

Since our last conversation, I have written down all the things in my own life, things that I consider a part of my identity, and the things I believe could be issues down the road. Then I compare those to the things that I know about her, and have found the things that I am willing to work on, and change for our relationship, and the things I don't think will ever go away. I really want to know her thoughts too, and if there are things on her "list" that can she think she can or can't change, but I am so afraid that she is beyond that point and isn't willing to open up to me anymore.

 

Do I fight tooth and nail to save our relationship, and together we find the deficiencies that can be fixed? Or... Do I accept that it is too late now, and we should try to end things on friendly terms? Her currently momentary stressor in life ends in about 6 days, and I think she will be much happier and her thoughts less anxiety-filled. However, I don't want that momentary happiness to be the band-aid to hold our relationship together for just another couple of years. So should I drive over this weekend, and we talk this out face-to-face now to get her rawest emotions? Or do I wait and let her get to a happy place, and have that potentially mask the issues again.

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somuchgrief

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, and the last 11 months we have been long-distance. I took a job that was 3.5 hours away in a city where I did not know a single soul.

 

Three days ago, she confessed to me that recently she has been getting feelings for another guy because they have been confiding in each other for the last 3 weeks or so. She said they have never had sex, or done anything sexual, but admits that the thoughts have crossed her mind and this past weekend she kissed him at a friend's birthday celebration at a bar. She immediately regretted doing it, and left the bar right afterwards.

 

This is the first time she has ever sought emotional support from another man, and the only time she has cheated on me. It is not, however, the first time we have had doubts about our relationship. My girlfriend handles stress really poorly like most people, and often that bleeds over as insecurity/uncertainty in our relationship. Recently, she has been trying to cope with graduation, finding out the next step of her life with residency program matching, and has been overall very stressed. Obviously, she crossed a line this time in dealing with her stress and insecurity. She has owned up to it, and said that she is sorry, and she felt so guilty that she could hurt someone she loved so much, especially since she has had 2 boyfriends in the past that cheated on her. She said she is so confused, and doesn't know if the kiss of a moment of weakness, or if this was her subconscious telling her she has truly fallen out of love with me this past year.

 

She said that this past year of long-distance, I have seemed more out-of-reach, and our phone conversations have seemed to trend to just talking about me and my life problems. I can't deny this is partly true. I am at a new job in a new city that I hate, and I am all by myself here. When I call her 75% of the time, it is to confide in her, and tell her how much my life has been sucking recently, and I have so much regret in moving away from her. She did tell me a few times this year that our conversations have been really heavy on her, and she feels like she has to support all of my negative energy. I would also try to stop talking about it for a few days or weeks, but eventually I will go back to my routine of bitching. I thought about finding a counselor here as a confidante instead because quitting the job is just not a option for several reasons, but I never acted on it. She said that she feels like she has been my therapist for a 11 months, and that is not what she wanted in our relationship.

 

We been having this conversation for a 2 days now, and yesterday she called me and told me she has had thought about things, and she has made her decision. She said out of respect for the last 4 years, she wants to tell me her decision in-person, which may take a few days to happen. In other times when we have come close to breaking up, she would emotionally shut down, and just become a robot willing to accept whatever decision brings her the least harm. From the tone of our last conversation, I have a strong suspicion she has gotten to that point, and has started to put up her defenses for what she thinks is the inevitable outcome. When we lived together, I was always be able to slowly prod her to open up, and realize she is purposely shutting me out as a defense mechanism, and we could eventually talk about and work out the core issues.

 

I, on the other hand, have not made my "final decision." Now that she has confided all these feelings to me, I finally understand how selfish I have been the last year, and it has shaken me. When I asked her if she thought the first 3 years were the same, and she said she doesn't think she will ever find someone that will treat her as well as I did the first 3 years, but thinks that I have been taking her for granted recently. She wishes we could go back to those times, but doesn't think it is possible anymore.

 

I had recognized that long-distance had been really rough on our relationship, but I was blindly powering through because I was hoping that it would all be better once she moved here. We had been making plans for her to move back in with me this summer, and that was my "end of the rainbow" these last 6 months. She even had a month off school last month, and stayed with me the whole time, and it was so fantastic. I thought everything was doing fine, and talked about getting engaged in the Fall once she moved in and settled in at her new job. She talked about how great it would be to have me by her side again, and we were physically insatiable in bed. I had no indication she was struggling with things, but I guess she has been hiding those feelings because she didn't want to stress me out.

 

This event has also made me take inventory of my life, and my goals. It made me realized that there were a LOT of holes in our relationship that I never addressed. A lot of her past fears were always centered around our future together, our families coming from vastly different cultures, our religion are conflicting, and what holds it all together? I have always told her that we would address them as they come, but that she should know without a doubt that I love her, and I am willing to work through any issue or mountain that comes up to make it work. However, now I realize that the reason I avoided talking about those fears is because I was also afraid of them.

 

This is not to say the last 4 years were use just blindly holding on. We have worked through a lot of significant milestones, which made our relationship stronger. They were just always things that we addressed as they came up, and we knew if we didn't work on them, it would be the end. We never sat down to talk about the issues that hadn't came up yet, but we both knew were bound to happen eventually. There have been a few conversations in the past where she told me she would not budge on something in our future, and I lied and told her that was fine instead of honestly telling her it bothered me.

 

Since our last conversation, I have written down all the things in my own life, things that I consider a part of my identity, and the things I believe could be issues down the road. Then I compare those to the things that I know about her, and have found the things that I am willing to work on, and change for our relationship, and the things I don't think will ever go away. I really want to know her thoughts too, and if there are things on her "list" that can she think she can or can't change, but I am so afraid that she is beyond that point and isn't willing to open up to me anymore.

 

Do I fight tooth and nail to save our relationship, and together we find the deficiencies that can be fixed? Or... Do I accept that it is too late now, and we should try to end things on friendly terms? Her currently momentary stressor in life ends in about 6 days, and I think she will be much happier and her thoughts less anxiety-filled. However, I don't want that momentary happiness to be the band-aid to hold our relationship together for just another couple of years. So should I drive over this weekend, and we talk this out face-to-face now to get her rawest emotions? Or do I wait and let her get to a happy place, and have that potentially mask the issues again.

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BarbedFenceRider

Seems to me, this is just icing on a really crappy cake. You will be spinning this hamster wheel indefinitely unless you address the underlying problems in your lives....

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Seems to me, this is just icing on a really crappy cake. You will be spinning this hamster wheel indefinitely unless you address the underlying problems in your lives....

 

I fully agree with Barbed here....that said, If it were me, I would ask her before she makes the trip to see you to have "that conversation face to face" if she's come to a conclusion and it is to break, then there's no need to come...just make the break. I say this for several reasons:

 

1. First and foremost, you don't want to be in a position of "talking someone into staying with you". You want a partner who hates not being with you....

2. This will give you some time to recover emotionally keeping your dignity and not breaking down in her presence...BTDT and it's humiliating later when the dust settles.

3. If this is the case, it is better to begin to build your life where your life is...this will add to making things better for you.

4. And this is a big one....she has already cheated on you with the guy, it is likely that it was more than a kiss and that is all she is telling you. She's to some extent at the very least subject to more of the same behavior....

 

Just my two cents.

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bathtub-row

I think if you want to salvage this relationship, you’ll get off your hiney and go see her — ASAP. And don’t tell her about it, just go. I think part of the problem is that you’re no longer romantic and don’t do much to show your feelings. It may be time to put the brakes on everything else and show her that you really cherish her.

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somuchgrief

I just got done texting with her, and she said she can’t wait until this weekend and wants to tell me her decision tonight after work. I’m fairly certain she has decided to end the relationship, and I think I am at peace with it.

 

It is going to suck, and I have a lot of regrets from the last 4 years that I will never be able to tell her, but ultimately I think it is the best decision.

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somuchgrief
I think if you want to salvage this relationship, you’ll get off your hiney and go see her — ASAP. And don’t tell her about it, just go. I think part of the problem is that you’re no longer romantic and don’t do much to show your feelings. It may be time to put the brakes on everything else and show her that you really cherish her.

 

I actually thought about it, and I told her I was going to get off work and drive to her ASAP to talk about everything. She said no, that this weekend is not good for her because she has too much planned already and has stuff at work she needs to finish. She said we can still meet next weekend if I feel the need too, but she is ready to have the conversation on the phone tonight.

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bathtub-row
I actually thought about it, and I told her I was going to get off work and drive to her ASAP to talk about everything. She said no, that this weekend is not good for her because she has too much planned already and has stuff at work she needs to finish. She said we can still meet next weekend if I feel the need too, but she is ready to have the conversation on the phone tonight.

 

That doesn’t sound very promising. Well, let us know how it goes.

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somuchgrief
I fully agree with Barbed here....that said, If it were me, I would ask her before she makes the trip to see you to have "that conversation face to face" if she's come to a conclusion and it is to break, then there's no need to come...just make the break. I say this for several reasons:

 

1. First and foremost, you don't want to be in a position of "talking someone into staying with you". You want a partner who hates not being with you....

2. This will give you some time to recover emotionally keeping your dignity and not breaking down in her presence...BTDT and it's humiliating later when the dust settles.

3. If this is the case, it is better to begin to build your life where your life is...this will add to making things better for you.

4. And this is a big one....she has already cheated on you with the guy, it is likely that it was more than a kiss and that is all she is telling you. She's to some extent at the very least subject to more of the same behavior....

 

Just my two cents.

 

1. Yes, I think that is the point we are now. We are going to have a phone call tonight. I firmly believe that I am the only one now committed to making this work anymore, and I am not willing to do this solo nor should I have too.

 

2. I think we will still have to meet next weekend, which will be tough, but at least it will give us some closure. Hopefully, I can remain composed.

 

3. It is going to be hard to tear down and re-build. Many of the decisions that I have made the last 2+ years have been with her in mind, and she has been my driving force of making it through this new city/job.

 

4. This one, I'm pretty sure she has not done. Maybe I am naive, but there was no way for me to know if she was cheating on me with this guy, and she felt compelled to tell me. Now, I get the impression that right after we break up she will probably run to him for immediate comfort, and that does piss me the **** off.

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Just my opinion, this relationship was over long before this guy came along. Meeting him simply made her realize how emotionally detached she had become. You both were in limbo, not realizing the deterioration that was going on. Happens to a lot of relationships....things just start to unravel and before you know it...here you are.

 

Who know where this will take you. Sometimes it takes a breakup to have a makeup. Anyways I wish you well.

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1. Yes, I think that is the point we are now. We are going to have a phone call tonight. I firmly believe that I am the only one now committed to making this work anymore, and I am not willing to do this solo nor should I have too.

 

2. I think we will still have to meet next weekend, which will be tough, but at least it will give us some closure. Hopefully, I can remain composed.

 

3. It is going to be hard to tear down and re-build. Many of the decisions that I have made the last 2+ years have been with her in mind, and she has been my driving force of making it through this new city/job.

 

4. This one, I'm pretty sure she has not done. Maybe I am naive, but there was no way for me to know if she was cheating on me with this guy, and she felt compelled to tell me. Now, I get the impression that right after we break up she will probably run to him for immediate comfort, and that does piss me the **** off.

 

I don't know if it will help but I went through something very similar. GF for 2+ years, went long distance (I left for college, she stayed home) She was missing out on a lot of the things her friends were able to experience locally, I wore out two cars driving home to try to be there but in the end, it wasn't enough....I "pretty quickly" met someone new at College, much better fit, local and similar interests. We really hit it off and it did take the sting out of the break up....just be sure you're ready when you do go to meet someone..

 

BTW, why do you "have" to see her?

 

Also, I see it as you do, except, I believe it was more than a kiss or she know's it's going to be more than a kiss...this would be the reason for me, not to see her. BTW, this is also alluded to in her excitement for the weekend, without you. That in my way of thinking was mean for her to say.

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this may be the last nail in the coffin of a dying relationship. If your GF was scheduled to move to you very shortly, once you were in the same city, I think maybe you could resolve this. But with you in your city & her still in school with convenient access to this guy, geography will win every time.

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somuchgrief
I don't know if it will help but I went through something very similar. GF for 2+ years, went long distance (I left for college, she stayed home) She was missing out on a lot of the things her friends were able to experience locally, I wore out two cars driving home to try to be there but in the end, it wasn't enough....I "pretty quickly" met someone new at College, much better fit, local and similar interests. We really hit it off and it did take the sting out of the break up....just be sure you're ready when you do go to meet someone..

 

BTW, why do you "have" to see her?

 

Also, I see it as you do, except, I believe it was more than a kiss or she know's it's going to be more than a kiss...this would be the reason for me, not to see her. BTW, this is also alluded to in her excitement for the weekend, without you. That in my way of thinking was mean for her to say.

 

Yeah, I think that was the final nail in the coffin to convince me this was done. I offered to prioritize this relationship over everything, called off work, and rush over to see her to discuss all of this... and she said no, she has already made plans this weekend with her friends, and she is behind on things for work/school.

 

So this relationship has now fallen down her priority list to below plans with friends, and work. What the hell is that ****? Yes, I get from past experiences that she likes to turtle and hide from the issues, and distract herself with bull**** to pretend that nothing is wrong. But this is different. This is her saying that she is over it, and doesn't want to give it any more thought.

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somuchgrief
this may be the last nail in the coffin of a dying relationship. If your GF was scheduled to move to you very shortly, once you were in the same city, I think maybe you could resolve this. But with you in your city & her still in school with convenient access to this guy, geography will win every time.

 

Yeah, the messed up part was that she was scheduled to move back in with me in about 3 months. She will graduate school in 2 months, and she has applied to do residency programs all over the city that I am currently in, including the hospital I am now working at as a resident. Our grand plan was for her to match with a program here, we move in together in June, and live happily ever after.

 

Now it is too late for her to withdraw any of her applications, and she gets the results of her residency match in 4 days and there's is a high likelihood that it is in my city like we had planned, potentially in my exact hospital. But I guess 3 months is too long for her to wait, and try to patch things up. She wants to blow it up now.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

Unfortunately, to me this sounds like the beginning of the end of your relationship.

 

End it amicably, you never know if you'll cross paths again later in life, or end it like a nuclear bomb if you're sure you don't want to cross paths again.

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Then let it be blown up now. If she ends up in your city, after she moves there & settles in you can try again. For now, let it be over.

 

 

If you two are soon to be doctors, she's not some silly undergrad who doesn't understand that actions have consequences or that she got caught up in the moment.

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bathtub-row

Whatever all the underlying stuff is, I know you’re hurting and I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. Hang in there.

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Why are you cooperating with this?

 

She's in love with someone else, and she cheated on you with him. Please do me a favor and throw away the ticket to her "theatre show", all this nonsense of "I kissed a guy, and i stopped it".

 

She met someone, they are not only haveing sex, they are fully together now. You are just something that needed to get rid of... She chose to create a few days script in which she confesses "just a kiss", let you process, maybe let you break up yourself, and when you didn't it's the (fake) "dilemma time", bla bla bla...

 

And you put up with this? Cancel the phone call, and ghost her. After 2-3 days, a short text from you that it's over and you just didn't want to hear more lies and BS in addition of the lies she already told you, and then block her.

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bathtub-row

I don’t agree that she cheated. I think if she had, she wouldn’t have brought up the other guy at all. It would’ve been much easier to lie and say, “Hey, this ain’t working for me anymore and I’m calling it quits.”

 

I never see any point in believing something that’s hurtful and unsubstantiated. Especially in this case, the relationship sounds like it’s over. What difference does it make at this point? I’d take her at her word and leave it alone.

 

I do agree, though, that there’s no point in going to see her. It’s going to hurt like hell no matter what.

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somuchgrief
Then let it be blown up now. If she ends up in your city, after she moves there & settles in you can try again. For now, let it be over.

 

 

If you two are soon to be doctors, she's not some silly undergrad who doesn't understand that actions have consequences or that she got caught up in the moment.

 

Yeah, we blew it up. It was a painful conversation, but there was a sense of relief and finality to it afterwards. There’s about a high likelihood that she ends up in my city, and some that she ends up at the same exact residency program as me. However, I think we both have decided that our paths were never truly aligned and we both were making compromises that would make us miserable down the road.

 

I think what makes me the most worried for some sick reason is that if she matches in this city, I was suppose to be her support system since she doesn’t know anyone else here. Right now, I don’t think we have separated long enough for me to fight that urge to take care of her in 3-4 months if she is struggling.

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I think what makes me the most worried for some sick reason is that if she matches in this city, I was suppose to be her support system since she doesn’t know anyone else here. Right now, I don’t think we have separated long enough for me to fight that urge to take care of her in 3-4 months if she is struggling.

 

You are a nurturer That is why you were drawn to medicine as a profession. Take care of your patients, not your EX. Whatever else you feel about her, she's an intelligent adult. She's going into the same profession as you where other people will put their LIVES in your hands. Based on that alone assume she can navigate something as banal as a new city. Lots of people with far less education & fewer resources then she will have available to her manage relocation regularly. You are not obligated to be her White Knight.

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You are a nurturer That is why you were drawn to medicine as a profession. Take care of your patients, not your EX. Whatever else you feel about her, she's an intelligent adult. She's going into the same profession as you where other people will put their LIVES in your hands. Based on that alone assume she can navigate something as banal as a new city. Lots of people with far less education & fewer resources then she will have available to her manage relocation regularly. You are not obligated to be her White Knight.

Ding Ding Ding !! This^^^^

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Yeah, we blew it up. It was a painful conversation, but there was a sense of relief and finality to it afterwards. There’s about a high likelihood that she ends up in my city, and some that she ends up at the same exact residency program as me. However, I think we both have decided that our paths were never truly aligned and we both were making compromises that would make us miserable down the road.

 

I think what makes me the most worried for some sick reason is that if she matches in this city, I was suppose to be her support system since she doesn’t know anyone else here. Right now, I don’t think we have separated long enough for me to fight that urge to take care of her in 3-4 months if she is struggling.

 

She's made it clear she's not your problem anymore. She fired you so stay fired unless you want to drag yourself through a bunch of stupid drama that is self inflicted.

 

If you're smart you cut off all contact and move on like she has. Wallowing in this will get you nothing.

 

Doing the white knight thing is about the worst mistake you can make.

 

She's a big girl let her figure it out.

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somuchgrief
She's made it clear she's not your problem anymore. She fired you so stay fired unless you want to drag yourself through a bunch of stupid drama that is self inflicted.

 

If you're smart you cut off all contact and move on like she has. Wallowing in this will get you nothing.

 

Doing the white knight thing is about the worst mistake you can make.

 

She's a big girl let her figure it out.

 

I almost wish we had a big, huge fight where we yelled hurtful things at each other while we broke up, so that I can feel vindicated to cut her out of my life completely.

 

Instead we had a very calm, friendly conversation where she accepted blame that she hurt me, and that she will always regret that because she recognizes that I have treated her like a princess for 4 years. We just came to a conclusion that we both wanted different things in life, and she realized she had changed so many things about herself in order to make it work. Things that I never asked her to change, but she did it out of blind love and realized if she went through with them long-term she would end up hating herself and me. She said that after self-reflecting, she never actually had feelings for the other guy because she hasn’t thought about him at all since Saturday, and that deep down inside she just wanted out of this relationship. She was sorry that she chose one of the most hurtful ways to express that need to escape.

 

Ultimately, I told her that after 4 years, I just wanted her to be truly happy. I have always thought that happiness was with me, but clearly it was not going to last, and we would end up resenting each other. Up until that point in the conversation, she had been holding it together and trying to remain deadpan, but that finally caused her to completely open up and cry it all out.

 

I hated how vulnerable she looked and how vulnerable I felt wanting to reach out and comfort her at that moment. So I said that this was probably a good a place as any to end the conversation and she said that maybe if one day I didn’t feel as hurt or betrayed by her, we could talk in person.

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Sounds like you had a healthy adult conversation, kudos to the both of you. Now the work is accepting reality. You can do it. Go NC, do the stages of grief and move on. Easy? Nope! You'll get there. Four years is a long time. It won't resolve in a day or a week. It's a process. Good luck!

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