annalilian26 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 (edited) This guy (28M) once took me (26F) out on a date and we ended up going to the bar that him and his ex would frequent. She was there at the time and her and her friend went out of the way to sabotage the date (she kept stopping over to talk, she dragged him outside to have a cigarette with him while I was waiting at the bar for 15 minutes and later her and her friend sat with us during our date). Earlier he complained how much he couldn't stand her but did nothing, so I got up and told him that I am leaving and he just shrugged. A year later he got in touch to apologise for this saying that he was drinking heavily at the time and was also addicted to benzos so he wasn't in a good place. I accepted his apology and we became friends, hanging out lots and talking everyday. Out of nowhere he confessed that he had strong feelings for me, that he had never been so attracted to anyone in his life and that he really loves being around me. He said he had been trying to get it out of his mind for a while but he just couldn't and it had been driving him crazy. I told him that I was very attracted to him too and had been feeling the same (because I really had and was trying to repress it) and he said he really wants to make me happy and he won't screw it up this time because he isn't a brute. The next day I couldn't help but think about that first date and how humiliated I felt. Also, him and his ex are still close friends who hang out a lot so I was apprehensive getting involved with someone when I had this level of resentment and distrust and I definitely didn't want the ex girlfriend to put me in that situation again. I decided to express that I was still feeling hurt from that event and it was holding me back a little. This was something I expressed in hopes that we could talk through it, however the only response I got from him was 'yep, ok I kinda get you. Anyway i'm going to sleep now'. I asked him if what he said about liking me the night before was just drunk talk (he had been out drinking when he wrote that stuff to me) and he responded saying 'well I was drunk and I was talking'. I felt disappointed by his responses, so I broke it off with him and he said 'ok, all good, all good'. I then got very triggered by all these mixed messages and told him that I found it hurtful that he expressed all these sweet things to me the night prior and now he was just treating me like it all meant nothing. The day after he said that he did mean what he said and he now feels like a total idiot about it and wants to just forget it now. The following day I wrote in saying I would like to still be friends in the future and he said 'sure' and i apologised that I had been all a bit too much with my emotions. He then said that this conversation was getting boring and said that we can talk when we have something better to talk about. This comment sent me in a total spiral of anger and I told him that I feel he needed to really check himself and that I couldn't believe he had gone this far in his life being so disrespectful to people. This became a massive row between us where I lashed out telling him how much of an awful person I think he is and now he doesn't want to know me anymore after I apologised. I had a similar situation happen to me with a guy (27M) before him earlier this year. Me and this other guy had been dating for 2 weeks and we hit it off really hard and fast. I was a little concerned because he smoked a lot of pot and he had photos of his ex girlfriend on the wall (even though he swore he was over her) but our first date lasted 3 days and after a week he was telling me that meeting me has 'given him hope' and that I was 'everything he was looking for'. After 2 weeks he joked that since we started dating he has had all these girls message him on tinder and that they are 'sexy' but he is not pursuing them and he is exclusive with me. I felt anxious and confused by this remark and asked where this hopes to go in the future and he responded saying that he 'doesn't know what he wants from me yet' and that 'this is not a priority' for him. I felt anxious about my position and place and worried that if I were to invest myself further, I would get hurt so I decided to call it off with him. Two days after, I had a friend convince me that I made the wrong decision because 2 weeks is not enough time for him to know what he wants and that I called it off too soon. I got in touch with him saying that I feel I may have ended it prematurely and if he was still willing, we could try again. He read the message that morning and didn't respond until about 12 midnight apologising for the delay saying he had a hectic day at work and needed to take time to look at himself before he writes me a proper response. He hadn't gotten in touch for 2 days so I was quite hurt as I was feeling ignored, so I regrettably sent him an angry message stating that I felt he used me because he was lonely, wanting the companionship of a woman and that he took me for a ride, that i didn't want to know him anymore and I then impulsively removed him as a friend on Facebook. He read this and also ignored it. Later on that night I sent him 1 last message to apologise profusely for my hostile message and told him that I didn't think he meant any hurt and things just got a bit messy and I wished him the very best. He read this message and ignored it for 2 days and said that its ok and 'he still wants to be friends in time'. I asked him how long he would like to wait and whether he would prefer to talk over phone rather than message and he didn't respond for 2 weeks so i sent him a message calling him out for ignoring me. He then responded the day after saying that all these messages have done is prove to him why it would never have worked for him and that he isn't going to give me the time of day anymore because of the messages I sent him. I have been single for 3 years and before that I was in a 7 year relationship with a wonderful guy who was very supportive and kind to me and It's hard for me not to feel like maybe this relationship has made me too demanding of men. Also because I have been single for this amount of time now I am worried that there must be something wrong with me and my behaviours when dating and with all this shame from my previous behaviours and I am not only very concerned that these guys will look back on me and shudder after I acted this way, but I will never find a partner that was this understanding and supportive. Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome the shame from all this behaviour after being triggered like this? I really regret losing these guys and hate being remembered as this kind of person. Edited March 15, 2018 by annalilian26 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Way to long to read every little detail. Sorry, but I did give it an effort, but it is just too much to get through. But the first paragraph and the piece of the other one I quoted is plenty good enough. This guy (28M) once took me (26F) out on a date and we ended up going to the bar that him and his ex would frequent. She was there at the time and her and her friend went out of the way to sabotage the date (she kept stopping over to talk, she dragged him outside to have a cigarette with him while I was waiting at the bar for 15 minutes and later her and her friend sat with us during our date). Earlier he complained how much he couldn't stand her but did nothing, so I got up and told him that I am leaving and he just shrugged. So the little spineless beta male still couldn't stand up for himself against his Ex even while he's on a date with a new girl? You didn't just "end up" at a place he always went to with her, and he probably knew she would be there,...that was the plan. Most likely he was just using you as a way "make her jealous" to get the Ex back. But the Ex is probably very skilled by now at manipulating the little beta like putty, and so she sat with you guys and had a little fun with the situation. And when you left he didn't even give a crap. Her and her friend probably got a big laugh out of it and he probably shrugged and paid for their drinks. A year later he got in touch to apologise for this saying that he was drinking heavily at the time and was also addicted to benzos Lovely! We gotta winner! Impulsive addictive disorder with tendencies to manipulate Out of nowhere he confessed that he had strong feelings for me, that he had never been so attracted to anyone in his life and that he really loves being around me. So he throws out the "big net" to see if he can catch you. I'm sure his Ex now has a new guy and won't look his way anymore, while the rest of the women over the last year caught on to him too easily and quickly. So now it's your turn,...again. After all, he fooled you into baiting his Ex a year ago, and he hasn't forgotten how easy that was. Seriously! Come-on! A year has passed and you should have already been seeing someone new by then and the first words our of your mouth should have been, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend". You get caught in this because you have a scarcity mind-set thinking there isn't any guys out there for you, or maybe you lack confidence that good guys out there won't want you. But whatever it is, you need to get over it, or you will be an easy mark for every predator and hustler out there. Your life will be ruined along with any kids lives you might end up with along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsSimpf Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 (edited) Oh, my, you know the expression--it's me, not you! Flirting with an ex on a date? There would be no second chance on top of his "drinking/addiction" issues. That's a life's recipe for disaster. I applaud you for having high enough standards to not continue with such selfish people yet I'd like to suggest that you remember you deserve the loving/supportive type of person you'd experienced in the past. You are discerning and nothing is wrong with your expectations. Stay strong--God wants us to be with someone who treasures us, not remotely the opposite. Perhaps go very slowly the next time you enter in a relationship==be guarded so you can be sure you want to move forward. Check out this article: http://bit.ly/2pkDWmj And you really seem to know the flags! You knew them; embrace them. God has plans for you, I'm sure, to bring you a wonderful mate. Praying for you. Edited March 16, 2018 by MrsSimpf Link to post Share on other sites
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