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Trying to get a handle on the situation here


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Dating GF for 4 years, living together for 3. No big fights, spent great times together, traveled, etc. Over the past few months things got stagnant. Enter her high school crush who she never got with. Handsome, suave, masculine. Smooth talker. They start texting daily (behind my back), and only after she develops strong feelings for him does she tell me about them. Says that she is "worried about cheating".

 

She wanted a break. I said no break - either we break up or she cuts this guy out of her life and chooses me. I am not interested in being 2nd choice. Night of crying, then says she chooses me.

 

However trust is now broken for me. I cannot know for sure if she really has stopped talking to him, since I won't snoop on her phone (but she is on it so damn much). When she's going out with "friends from work" I can never be truly sure where or what she is doing.

 

So I shut down a bit. Started spending more and more time on the computer, doing my own thing. We still talk, do things on the weekend but when we both come home from work I am in the computer room and she is in the living room watching Netflix. There's a spare bed in the computer room so I sleep there usually. I snore like a diesel truck so she either ends up kicking me out of the bed halfway through the night or she leaves to sleep on the extra bed, then complains about how she didn't get any sleep the next morning. Also I get hot or something "like a furnace" so there's that too.

 

Anyways this past weekend she breaks up with me. She comes with her dad to move her stuff out (I made sure I wasn't there), and I come back to a mostly-empty apartment and begin to realize the situation.

 

I have no friends. I recently moved here, to her hometown, because I loved her and she had to be close to her family (family issues that are understandable why she wanted to be close). I work in a dying factory, among an equally dying, unionized workforce that are all 45+ years old (I am in my early 20s). So there's no one I really care to get close to.

 

She moved out to her parent's house, leaving me with the apartment. It was my suggestion, because my parents are halfway across the country and my car isn't large enough for all of my things, and there is no way I would feel comfortable up and leaving all my stuff there without any place to go to anyways.

 

I am angry at myself for not being a better bf when I should have, and her, for not communicating the problems with the relationship before getting in too deep with that guy.

 

I wonder what came first, our relationship was missing something, so she found it in that guy, OR that guy started making moves first, and she justified continued communication by believing there was something missing in the relationship. Mix in enough willful thinking and she's built up a great fantasy future with this guy, something that I cannot possibly compete with to any reasonable extent. To add salt to the wound she's added the guy on facebook pretty much the day after we broke up, so it seems the plan with him was deliberate and she is going to follow through with it.

 

I wanted to go NC, but we had to contact the landlord about our lease and trying to get rid of our stuff, so we did text a bit. I dropped off the last of her stuff last night, left it on her doorstep and sent her a text that it was there. She texted back thanks and tried making small talk but all the necessary communication was finished so I specifically said "Please do not contact me again". Bit harsh, maybe? Since then (2 days ago), we have both been NC.

 

Feels bad man.

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Happy Lemming

Here is my two cents...

 

Get out of there. Call your parents and see if you can stay with them until you can get re-employed and back on your feet financially. Go back to your home town where you have friends, family and a support system.

 

Talk to the landlord about breaking the lease. If both names are on the lease, then let the landlord contact her about this issue, not you. Stay "No Contact"... If the landlord won't let you out of the lease, give him her local address and give him the keys on your way out of town.

 

The next thing I would do is research how large a U-Haul trailer your present car can pull. I've found "one-way" U-haul trailers to be quite affordable for moving long distances. I usually rent the 5' X 8' version. U-haul reps can really be helpful with suggestions, etc.

 

I know you feel bad, and I'm sorry this happened to you; but there is no reason to stay in a town that offers you no future and will only foster bad memories.

 

Going forward, next time you move, set up and maintain (don't touch) an emergency "move back home" savings account. I've been nomadic all of my life and I've always had this savings account back in my home town. There is enough money in it to get me back home, if I fall on my face. I mail small deposits to that bank to keep the account active.

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Here is my two cents...

 

Get out of there. Call your parents and see if you can stay with them until you can get re-employed and back on your feet financially. Go back to your home town where you have friends, family and a support system.

 

Talk to the landlord about breaking the lease. If both names are on the lease, then let the landlord contact her about this issue, not you. Stay "No Contact"... If the landlord won't let you out of the lease, give him her local address and give him the keys on your way out of town.

 

The next thing I would do is research how large a U-Haul trailer your present car can pull. I've found "one-way" U-haul trailers to be quite affordable for moving long distances. I usually rent the 5' X 8' version. U-haul reps can really be helpful with suggestions, etc.

 

I know you feel bad, and I'm sorry this happened to you; but there is no reason to stay in a town that offers you no future and will only foster bad memories.

 

Going forward, next time you move, set up and maintain (don't touch) an emergency "move back home" savings account. I've been nomadic all of my life and I've always had this savings account back in my home town. There is enough money in it to get me back home, if I fall on my face. I mail small deposits to that bank to keep the account active.

 

This sounds very tempting, and now thinking about it I can get rid of/sell/donate many of the items in this apartment that remain like the fridge, stove, washer, dryer, bed, desk etc.

 

I have contacted the landlord and he's told me that the lease won't end until 2019, so I am on the hook until then, unless I can find someone to take it over. He said that he's put it as available online, so if anyone contacts him about it he can give them a tour and with the bonus of "free appliances and bed!" it may be an easy sell.

 

So while I do want to get the **** outta Dodge, I can't find it in myself to leave my ex (and likely her parents) on the hook for what could end up being a 14k monetary hit.

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Downanddown

Feel yeah but good on you for not going thru her phone and breaching that trust. Shows strength and character. Found out after my ex went thru my phone and internet history quite often behind my back lollol.

 

Hang in there OP. No one is perfect. After 2-3 years passion literally dies. It's a proven fact. This is when communication is crucial.

 

Trust me. You don't want someone that overlaps in a relationship anyways. You will look back at this and laugh one day. Promise.

 

Stay strong brother

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Feel yeah but good on you for not going thru her phone and breaching that trust. Shows strength and character. Found out after my ex went thru my phone and internet history quite often behind my back lollol.

 

Hang in there OP. No one is perfect. After 2-3 years passion literally dies. It's a proven fact. This is when communication is crucial.

 

Trust me. You don't want someone that overlaps in a relationship anyways. You will look back at this and laugh one day. Promise.

 

Stay strong brother

 

I don't think she ever went through my phone, but once I came home from work and in the recycling bin on my computer there was a few photos of her. I asked her why she deleted those and she was surprised I knew about it, then said they were embarrassing/didn't make her look good so they got deleted. Kinda weird?

 

I put a password on my computer after that heh, not sure what other trickery she'd been conducting.

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Happy Lemming

So while I do want to get the **** outta Dodge, I can't find it in myself to leave my ex (and likely her parents) on the hook for what could end up being a 14k monetary hit.

 

OK... so it is a joint lease, she (and her parents) were aware of the terms and conditions when they signed it. They knew they would be "on the hook" for half of the money, if the relationship didn't work out. Moreover, she moved out and left you holding the bag. Has she volunteered to pay her half of the rent this month and next month, etc?? It is her legal obligation to pay her half of the rent, even if she is not living there.

 

If you really feel obligated to pay your half of the rent until its re-rented, tell the landlord that and tell him you will contact him once you get re-settled in your original town.

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OK... so it is a joint lease, she (and her parents) were aware of the terms and conditions when they signed it. They knew they would be "on the hook" for half of the money, if the relationship didn't work out. Moreover, she moved out and left you holding the bag. Has she volunteered to pay her half of the rent this month and next month, etc?? It is her legal obligation to pay her half of the rent, even if she is not living there.

 

If you really feel obligated to pay your half of the rent until its re-rented, tell the landlord that and tell him you will contact him once you get re-settled in your original town.

 

Yes, she has told me that if I need help paying rent to let her know. I thought that would be kind of petty, since I make enough money to easily cover the cost of rent, not to mention the hassle of breaking NC to ask for cash makes me appear like a bit of a dweeb.

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Happy Lemming
Yes, she has told me that if I need help paying rent to let her know. I thought that would be kind of petty, since I make enough money to easily cover the cost of rent, not to mention the hassle of breaking NC to ask for cash makes me appear like a bit of a dweeb.

 

You are a better man than I am. Personally, I would send her an invoice (for half of the rent) and a stamped self addressed return envelope. Making her own up to her financial obligations and sending her an invoice is NOT breaking "no contact", in my opinion.

 

There is also a lesson here about signing long term leases. I've been nomadic all of my life and I only sign "month to month" leases when I rent. (Unless the landlord is willing to put an early out or lease cancellation clause in the lease for a reasonable amount of money)

 

Best of luck... and I hope you can get out of there fairly quickly.

 

Blue skies...

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You are a better man than I am. Personally, I would send her an invoice (for half of the rent) and a stamped self addressed return envelope. Making her own up to her financial obligations and sending her an invoice is NOT breaking "no contact", in my opinion.

 

There is also a lesson here about signing long term leases. I've been nomadic all of my life and I only sign "month to month" leases when I rent. (Unless the landlord is willing to put an early out or lease cancellation clause in the lease for a reasonable amount of money)

 

Best of luck... and I hope you can get out of there fairly quickly.

 

Blue skies...

 

Yes, lessons learned... I likely won't be asking her for rent, I really am trying not to contact her or think about her but it's kinda hard.

 

I feel angry at myself for not being a better bf because if I was she likely wouldn't have gotten attached to this new guy. Speaking of new guy, I'm not actually mad at him, in fact we have something in common, we have the same taste in women :lmao: But he's no saint, he had cheated on gfs he's had before and he's the guy in high school who slept with tons of girls. However my ex gf and him never hooked up, so he probably sees her as "the one I never got to bang", and likely working very hard to rectify that.

 

So in the end, I don't really want to get her back, BUT I kind of wish that they don't work out either. I want her to be happy, but with a different guy, who she likely hasn't even met yet. It would kill me inside if these two end up getting married and having kids. Is there a chance that this will happen, is it just an infatuation on her part, and he's just playing a game to get her? She seems to believe that he is just the bees knees, and he is so interesting. You see, they just have such deep conversations, he talks to her about death and the afterlife, he's so deep and mysterious!! That's basically what she said when I asked what was so special about him, I nearly blew chunks :sick:

 

You think she's just using him as an excuse to leave the relationship, and would have left me anyways if he wasn't in the picture? I think she might have been more willing to work things out and communicate with me more if he hadn't been whispering in her ear the whole time.

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Dating GF for 4 years, living together for 3. No big fights, spent great times together, traveled, etc. Over the past few months things got stagnant. Enter her high school crush who she never got with. Handsome, suave, masculine. Smooth talker. They start texting daily (behind my back), and only after she develops strong feelings for him does she tell me about them. Says that she is "worried about cheating".

 

She wanted a break. I said no break - either we break up or she cuts this guy out of her life and chooses me. I am not interested in being 2nd choice. Night of crying, then says she chooses me.

 

She wanted a break to try out the other guy.

 

Looking back you should have ended it there and then.

 

Move on with a strict NC

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She wanted a break to try out the other guy.

 

Looking back you should have ended it there and then.

 

Move on with a strict NC

 

Yes, another reason I am angry at myself - for not being strong enough to end it when she first told me about him. I honestly thought we could get through it, I loved her and wanted to make it work. I hoped we would overcome it but in the end I see I was being optimistic or blind to reality. She had likely already made up her mind to leave me long before I realized there was even a problem.

 

And so, when that initial trust was broken, I wasn't really "in the mood" to be a loving bf and so she took notice and convinced herself that I wasn't the best bf period, comparing our relationship vs her imagined new relationship with the new guy. It's easy to see which won out and why.

 

Just hurts when it goes like that.

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Yes, another reason I am angry at myself - for not being strong enough to end it when she first told me about him. I honestly thought we could get through it, I loved her and wanted to make it work. I hoped we would overcome it but in the end I see I was being optimistic or blind to reality. She had likely already made up her mind to leave me long before I realized there was even a problem.

 

And so, when that initial trust was broken, I wasn't really "in the mood" to be a loving bf and so she took notice and convinced herself that I wasn't the best bf period, comparing our relationship vs her imagined new relationship with the new guy. It's easy to see which won out and why.

 

Just hurts when it goes like that.

 

When the trust goes so does everything else. Your reaction was normal.

 

If you spend 5 minutes worrying about this its 4.5 minutes too long.

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Although this is a terrible situation, she really did you a favor. She showed you she is not loyal and that quality is one you will find in few women.

 

Even when you do find it, it is usually temporary. Better to deal with a broken lease than a divorce which could have cost you much, much more.

 

One thing I’ve learned about women in my years is they require constant excitement/challenge. Once they get too comfortable they get bored and start looking for other entertainment.

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When the trust goes so does everything else. Your reaction was normal.

 

If you spend 5 minutes worrying about this its 4.5 minutes too long.

 

Kinda hard to do since we been together for 4 years, it's a lot of time to reflect on.

 

Although this is a terrible situation, she really did you a favor. She showed you she is not loyal and that quality is one you will find in few women.

 

Even when you do find it, it is usually temporary. Better to deal with a broken lease than a divorce which could have cost you much, much more.

 

One thing I’ve learned about women in my years is they require constant excitement/challenge. Once they get too comfortable they get bored and start looking for other entertainment.

 

This makes a lot of sense. I suppose near the end there I was sort of not really paying her a lot of attention. So I guess she got bored with that and other guy started wiggling his way in there, and she took it. I'm angry though that she didn't talk to me about these issues in the first place, before those feelings got any stronger. All I needed was for her to sit me down and say something like "I'm feeling a bit lonely, we should do more things together" and I would take that as a realization that I need to put more effort into it.

 

But nah, she expects me to read her mind and be 100% my best, that if I *really* was a good match for her I would understand and try harder. I can just imagine her complaining to this guy and he's feeding her what she wants to hear. I don't know why I'm getting so angry at that, I just know the guy is only in it to add her to his "chicks from school I've been wanting to bang" book and he isn't really interested in pursuing anything serious.

 

Anyone have experience with girls who have a "romantic fantasy" ideal relationship? Like she tends to believe that love is and should be how it is in movies and tv shows. That her "soulmate" of high school guy will come in and she will throw everything away to be with him and they will live a full life of passion and she will feel complete. I tried to explain to her what "honeymoon phase" is but she seems to believe that *real love* (whatever that is) is a never-ending, head over heels, Dear John type of thing. I obviously can't provide that for her, but can anyone else?

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Kinda hard to do since we been together for 4 years, it's a lot of time to reflect on.

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. I suppose near the end there I was sort of not really paying her a lot of attention. So I guess she got bored with that and other guy started wiggling his way in there, and she took it. I'm angry though that she didn't talk to me about these issues in the first place, before those feelings got any stronger. All I needed was for her to sit me down and say something like "I'm feeling a bit lonely, we should do more things together" and I would take that as a realization that I need to put more effort into it.

 

But nah, she expects me to read her mind and be 100% my best, that if I *really* was a good match for her I would understand and try harder. I can just imagine her complaining to this guy and he's feeding her what she wants to hear. I don't know why I'm getting so angry at that, I just know the guy is only in it to add her to his "chicks from school I've been wanting to bang" book and he isn't really interested in pursuing anything serious.

 

Anyone have experience with girls who have a "romantic fantasy" ideal relationship? Like she tends to believe that love is and should be how it is in movies and tv shows. That her "soulmate" of high school guy will come in and she will throw everything away to be with him and they will live a full life of passion and she will feel complete. I tried to explain to her what "honeymoon phase" is but she seems to believe that *real love* (whatever that is) is a never-ending, head over heels, Dear John type of thing. I obviously can't provide that for her, but can anyone else?

 

Dude, I think EVERY guy has experience with that. It's just the way most women are. Women like fun and excitement, they abhor boredom and routine.

 

Guys on the other hand are usually pretty comfortable doing the same things day after day and limit excitement and adventure to sex. Women also tend to give up a lot easier because they have more options. They know it's just a matter of time before dozens of guys are beating down their door for the chance to spend money on them.

 

As for the last question, no. Here's the thing, if some guy could muster up the energy due to his high interest to give her everything she wanted, she would likely get bored. I can't count how many women I've dated who said exes used to do all these things that I dont. Yet, why am I having sex wih them and their exes are history? They got bored.

 

Women like a challenge but they don't like being ignored or taken for granted. They will put up with it for a while but eventually will leave.

 

Lastly, you are damned right to be angry - just like I still am 1.5 years later. How f'in hard would it be to say something when they feel things are less than what they want? I've found women tend to not be great communicators to men because they don't understand (or care to learn) to what we respond. In my experience it has been on either side of the spectrum. Either they never say anything until it is too late or they complain about everything.

 

I feel for you brother. Use this as an opportunity to learn that when a woman says "I love you" it means at that moment; it's subject to change at any time.

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Dude, I think EVERY guy has experience with that. It's just the way most women are. Women like fun and excitement, they abhor boredom and routine.

 

Guys on the other hand are usually pretty comfortable doing the same things day after day and limit excitement and adventure to sex. Women also tend to give up a lot easier because they have more options. They know it's just a matter of time before dozens of guys are beating down their door for the chance to spend money on them.

 

As for the last question, no. Here's the thing, if some guy could muster up the energy due to his high interest to give her everything she wanted, she would likely get bored. I can't count how many women I've dated who said exes used to do all these things that I dont. Yet, why am I having sex wih them and their exes are history? They got bored.

 

Women like a challenge but they don't like being ignored or taken for granted. They will put up with it for a while but eventually will leave.

 

Lastly, you are damned right to be angry - just like I still am 1.5 years later. How f'in hard would it be to say something when they feel things are less than what they want? I've found women tend to not be great communicators to men because they don't understand (or care to learn) to what we respond. In my experience it has been on either side of the spectrum. Either they never say anything until it is too late or they complain about everything.

 

I feel for you brother. Use this as an opportunity to learn that when a woman says "I love you" it means at that moment; it's subject to change at any time.

 

Thanks man, your words sing to me, I feel like you understand this situation and what I'm going through. Can I expect to be bitter about it for 1.5 years as well? I feel like I'm going through waves, one minute I feel "relieved" that she is gone but then it comes back down and I'm angry again at the situation and want to say something to her. I know it won't have any affect but I feel so powerless and I could clearly see how we could have worked it out, it's frustrating.

 

I wonder what kind of relationship I can expect to have with her, she has kept in contact with her exs (only 2) and talked to them occasionally while we were together, she said they were just friends. I don't really want to stay in contact with her because then in that way she has power over me (she still keeps me around but only on her terms). It's bad news bears when your gf keeps in contact with her exs, but even moreso when she keeps in contact with her crush from high school and tells you not to worry about him (then this happens :mad:).

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