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Will her anger for me ever diminish?


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So it's been almost a year since I broke up with my ex. I won't go into too much detail but basically she started becoming distant so I apparently didn't give her enough time to deal with other stuff that was bothering her. After 2 months of her being distant, I basically snapped and called things off and after that I said and did things I regret.

 

It took a very long time for me to get hold of my emotions but I'm finally at that point and after not talking to her at all for a while, I sent her a heartfelt apology a week ago.

From her reply which came 2 days later, she's clearly still extremely pissed off at me. It almost seems like she's madder now than she was after the breakup.

 

She's a pretty stubborn person that holds on to stuff so I'm just wondering if there are people out there who really can't let stuff go and will she remain this mad at me forever?

 

FYI, I didn't apologize to get back together. I did it for for myself to feel better about the situation. I'm just the type of person that doesn't like being the reason somebody else is mad so seeing how she is makes me feel bad for her.

 

If she's just going to be mad forever, so be it but I would prefer that not to be the case. Even if it's not as a couple, I would still like to keep this person in my life. She's also very close friends with one of my cousins so we'll eventually see each other again and I want us to be able to get along.

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ExpatInItaly

Will she remain angry forever? Maybe, but that's her issue to deal with. Not yours. You can't sort out her emotional condition for her.

 

Even if the anger fades, it doesn't mean she will want to be in your life. I would just be civil when you see her and leave it at that.

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The best predictor of whether or not her anger will diminish is the way she speaks about her other exes. If she's the type who speaks of them well, then it's likely she will get over it in time.

 

But if she's the type who complains that every guy screws her over, then she's going to stick you on that long list of hate.

 

For what it's worth, I went back to the thread you wrote after breaking up, You had very good reason to end things. Most people are pretty good when things are going well, but it's during times of stress when you see the stuff they are really made of. It's when you see the real person. A person who will be a good partner will come towards you when they are stressed, not lock you out. I think you dodged a bullet.

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You broke up with her. Based on that choice, you don't get to "keep her in your life." If you are polite when you see her you can have civil interactions when you see her through your cousin, but that is it. Your desire to periodically talk to her, have her on social media or whatever else you mean by "keep her in your life", is more then she is willing to give.

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Who knows? Some people can nurse a grudge for a lifetime, and some people eventually move on. Some people always hold some residual, and the situation will always give them a bad taste. In the end, her anger is for her to deal with. She is the one who has to carry around that burden and work through it. I think you need to figure out why you care so much if she is angry with you. Do you think her anger is legitimate? Do you feel guilty for some actions towards her? Do you feel like a bad person if someone is angry with you?

 

The thing that really struck me is that you were honest and said you only apologized to her to make yourself feel better. You didn't do it because you thought it would be beneficial for her to get an apology. That's the reason why most people apologize, but they won't admit it.

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You don't get to breakup with someone AND keep them in your life. You may have had very good reasons for dumping her but now she's entitled to cut you out of her life forever if that is her wish.

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If your ex was going through a tough time, it really sucks to get dumped on top of that. It happened to me and it was the hardest BU to get over.

 

Your gut feeling must tell you if she was ignoring you because she didn't really care or was it that she was just overwhelmed with life.

 

With me, it was the later and as I said, it really hurts when you get dumped like that because you know it wasn't the real you that got dumped.

 

The way she is acting, it's seems more like she was legitimately hurt by the BU but then again it could be some sort of Jedi mind trick to disguise the truth.

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Thanks for the feedback everybody. Just a few comments on some of your answers.

 

If your ex was going through a tough time, it really sucks to get dumped on top of that. It happened to me and it was the hardest BU to get over.

 

Your gut feeling must tell you if she was ignoring you because she didn't really care or was it that she was just overwhelmed with life.

 

With me, it was the later and as I said, it really hurts when you get dumped like that because you know it wasn't the real you that got dumped.

 

The way she is acting, it's seems more like she was legitimately hurt by the BU but then again it could be some sort of Jedi mind trick to disguise the truth.

 

Well, I didn't go into details as I said and while I was the one who finalized the breakup, she was the one who pushed me to it until I did it. At one point about a month before the official breakup, she actually said she wanted to split up but after a long discussion that night, she said she didn't really want to break up and wanted to work on the issues that bothered her. A month later with no signs of her actually trying to work those things out, I ended it so if she's extra hurt because it was during tough times for her, she brought it on herself.

 

As far as my gut feeling, I think it's a bit of both. She was too overwhelmed by other stuff which put me on the backburner so when issues came up with me, it wasn't a top priority.

 

 

The best predictor of whether or not her anger will diminish is the way she speaks about her other exes. If she's the type who speaks of them well, then it's likely she will get over it in time.

 

But if she's the type who complains that every guy screws her over, then she's going to stick you on that long list of hate.

 

The only one she spoke bad of was her most recent ex but that was also her longest relationship in which they also have a child. He's basically an idiot that does everything he can to make her life a living hell so she's fully entitled to speak badly of him.

 

I have a feeling that relationship just broke her and I was the unfortunate sucker that had to follow it.

 

 

And to everybody saying it's not my choice if I want to keep her in my life, I understand that. I'm just stating what my preference would be and I also fully believe it would be beneficial to both of us and to her son if we could eventually get back to being on civilized speaking terms.

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The best predictor of whether or not her anger will diminish is the way she speaks about her other exes. If she's the type who speaks of them well, then it's likely she will get over it in time.

 

But if she's the type who complains that every guy screws her over, then she's going to stick you on that long list of hate.

 

For what it's worth, I went back to the thread you wrote after breaking up, You had very good reason to end things. Most people are pretty good when things are going well, but it's during times of stress when you see the stuff they are really made of. It's when you see the real person. A person who will be a good partner will come towards you when they are stressed, not lock you out. I think you dodged a bullet.

 

This right here concisely tells you all you need to know. I learned the above the hard way, and it took me a very long time to forgive myself and come to terms with it.

 

And really, do you want to be with someone who stays that angry and is unforgiving, no matter who is at fault?

 

Agreed on bullet dodging. I’d say more like dodging a nuke.

 

Be safe.

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FYI, I didn't apologize to get back together. I did it for for myself to feel better about the situation. I'm just the type of person that doesn't like being the reason somebody else is mad so seeing how she is makes me feel bad for her.

 

 

And that's where you went wrong. An apology is not for you. It's for the other person. You don't apologize to make yourself feel better. You apologize to recognize to the other person you did wrong and shouldn't have.

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canadaman817

Thanks for sharing. It takes courage to apologize to somebody, and I commend you for doing that, even if the apology might feel late to her. Sadly, apologizing to somebody does not guarantee they will forgive you, and this may be the case with her. I had a girl in my life who never forgave me for the mistakes I made and it still weighs on me. On the other hand, sometimes forgiveness takes a while, and if she sees you have good intentions for the future of your friendship and are honestly remorseful, she might warm in her response to you over time. Is it possible you two could ever casually meet up for coffee so that you can get some baggage off as you try to move on? It is always best to try to reconcile to some degree when possible, and I wish you the best!

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And that's where you went wrong. An apology is not for you. It's for the other person. You don't apologize to make yourself feel better. You apologize to recognize to the other person you did wrong and shouldn't have.

 

Sorry but I don't agree with this. If you actually mean the apology, it should fit both those criteria anyways. I was just saying my main reason for doing it was for myself, not for her.

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