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Working on getting by


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This is my story. I'm hurting right now and need to verbalize. To those that read, thank you.

 

We are in our 40s. Have been with my guy for 9 years which included him living with me. I was pretty much his first relationship while I have had a few serious ones before him (most notably my baby daddy who I was with for 16 years). I have 4 kids but 3 are all grown and moved out while I still have the one 12 year old at home. I also have 2 grandbabies with a 3rd on the way. He doesn't have any.

 

Sex happened very, very rarely for quite some time and he wasn't giving me the love and affection I needed. I found I was less happy with my life year after year. We were getting into arguments more and more often so I told him it's just time to call it quits and move on. We got along quite well in general so there wasn't any big incident or anything.

 

We officially broke up beginning of October but he didn't move out until after he found a place to live. He took possession of a place December 1st. In December and into January I went on the dating sites, went out on a couple dates as well as took care of my sex dry spell. Basically, I went on "tilt" for a month. The ex showed up a couple times and ended up in my bed as well. We had a dog we were going to try to share custody with so the NC idea wasn't happening. Also we off and on kept talking and sometimes hung out so we weren't really doing a good job on this breaking up thing.

 

This week, the dog died. When my family and world falls apart it happens BIG to me :)

 

This last few months my world has come crashing down all over the place and I've decided it's time to get my **** together. I don't really have anyone to talk to so have decided to come here.

 

When I decided to break up with him I already knew I'd be happy with him if I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. While my secret hope is that after a break we can reconcile I went into this breakup knowing that may never happen. Sort of that "let it free ... if it comes back" idea. I just knew that where things were I couldn't keep at that.

 

I've decided to set myself a couple goals to work towards to focus me on healing myself. Until these goals are achieved I won't consider going into to another relationship ... either back with the ex or looking for someone new.

 

1) Focus on my career. I've pretty much always done this but I slip often. In my spare time I do at home courses but I frequently slip and fall behind. I am being considered for a promotion to replace a retiring manager in the next year or two and I have a lot of work to get ready for this if it happens.

 

2) Learn Spanish. I've always wanted to have a second language (bucket list). I like traveling for my vacations. More often than not I'm traveling to Spanish speaking countries.

 

3) Get fit. I was always slender but after I had a few abdominal surgeries over 10 years ago I put on a few extra pounds. I have been wicked slowly getting rid of this over the last number of years but that's because I haven't seriously focused on getting back slim again. I don't feel sexy any more and I'd like to feel sexy again.

 

4) Quit drinking. I like my beer a little too much. Likely why #3 hasn't happened.

 

5) Quit smoking. I did actually quit for 2 months dec - jan. Had a weak moment and started again. I really want to quit.

 

6) Make friends. I've been pretty isolated from people this last couple years. I would like to make some friends and get out and do things again. I've done very little in a number of years. I'm thinking I'll start getting involved in community events and organizations and hopefully meet new people and make some friends.

 

7) Do the NC thing. Now that the dog is gone there is no reason for us to have contact. I so very much miss him terribly every second of every day. It's almost seems like I'm missing him more and more with time passing rather than less. Whether we end up back together or not, I need to close the last chapter of my life and move on.

 

I'm hoping the above will help me find myself again because I think I've lost it somewhere along the way.

 

If you made it to the end, I appreciate your time. I think I need to use this as a diary of sorts so will update when I need to talk.

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Ladybug1982

Congratulations on finding you.. I think you have made great progress in realizing that you can be happy alone sometimes. Sometimes we are all so focused on being in a relationship that we forget that it all starts with being happy within ourselves.

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Last text I sent ex was about 50 hours ago. It's a small milestone but really big for me. He texted me 28 hrs ago talking about coming over this weekend so I can help him with his taxes. I almost physically have to stop myself from texting him telling him all the notable stuff that's happened lately. This is really rough.

 

I turned back on the dating site profiles just to help keep me occupied/distracted from trying to talk to him.

 

I really am missing him :(

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I'm really sorry about the dog. I think you may be going backwards by helping him with his taxes. I was hoping to hear more about how you were progressing with your list.

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