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Is this a breakup?


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Bit of a weird situation - I'm going through a separation from my marriage and met someone else about 8 months ago - she knew I was married, but was unhappy. It's a long distance relationship, or (was?)...We were clearly head over heels in love, but we argued A LOT. Mostly due to insecurity on either her end or mine - she fundamentally had doubts about me actually leaving my marriage, constantly was intimidated by my ex wife (who is admittedly quite gorgeous) and often she started fights for no reason.

 

Anyway over the 8 months despite the arguing, it was always "i love you forever etc" and neither of us ever ended things. I don't think we could stand to not talk.

 

Last week some time she tells me I always seem to disappear on the weekend. I said I found that weird, as I actually thought she did the same. Last Saturday morning after not hearing from me on a Friday night she said "This is a prime example of you disappearing on the weekend" - I responded with the truth - I fell asleep watching the basketball game, then first thing in the AM had to take my car in. I said I hadn't disappeared at all, we chatted, I made a Simpsons joke to which she immediately took offense (very odd) and started telling me I always criticize her (I literally responded to her message with a quote from a simpsons episode, how she interpreted it as criticism I have no idea). I asked her why she was so angry at me all of the time lately, and what I had done, and she kept saying she wasn't. She was just getting over a horrific 2 week flu, and had missed a ton of work - in fact she was working on saturday last week to catch up.

 

After an afternoon of more arguing, I said "look do you just want to break up?" - and she said "Maybe we need space" - and I said, alright, I have no idea what's gotten into you but that's fine - her main issue is that she doesn't trust me - she doesn't believe I love her and want to be with her - I have a ton of money, a great job, a perfect life really. I am good looking, I have two doctorates, etc.

 

She is very avoidant, and I am very confrontational - very often our arguments were me pursuing a solution while she completely withdrew - frustrating as all hell.

 

Anyway, the Sunday following the argument I sent her a long text explaining how all of her worries were unfounded, I told her I loved her, and asked for a bit of clarity of what she wanted. I said "look, I've been in enough relationships to know space means we're breaking up" - she says "No, it means I need space". She insists, vociferously, that this is not about anyone else (and I do believe her, she is almost asexual- she is very withdrawn, private, and quiet)

 

Her response was that she still didn't believe me about a bunch of things regarding our future (for example, I told her I was looking at houses for us, and she called me a liar, I told her I was looking to move with her to her home country overseas, she didn't believe me, and these are things that I am NOT lying about) and that she needed space and not to push her because she felt very overwhelmed and couldn't trust what I was saying (she says this all the time as she feels trapped very quickly - she had a crazy ex who harassed her and is also a victim of a brutal and violent sexual assault (the guy is in prison for life).

 

She texted me "Honestly, it sounds like you want to break up with me but are too scared to do it".

 

I told her "we've been in love since that first text message, I never want to break up, unless that's changed" and her reply was "It hasn't".

 

I said fine, you won't hear from me again until you reach out. I told her I loved her, not to interpret my silence as ambivalence, and that was that.

 

Her reply was "Thank you. I love you"

 

Prior to this, I asked her "Deep down, despite this, do you want this to work out, do you still want to get married" to which she replied "Obviously".

 

We haven't spoken since, this was a week ago. None of it makes a lot of sense to me. She was complaining I wasn't around enough, constantly told me she was terrified of me leaving her, that she cannot imagine her life without me, wrote me long letters, has begged me to stay in the past when I got frustrated with her, then decided to deal with all of this by ending the relationship?

 

Is this a situation where a troubled, withdrawn, and scared person with some issues really just needs time to cool off? I am giving her space - but part of me wants to do something, anything, to reassure her I am committed - fly down to see her, I don't know. I don't want to push her, but doesn't leaving her alone and not getting in touch just confirm her suspicions that I don't care?

 

On the other hand, she keeps doing this. She withdraws, emotionally shuts down, cowers in the corner, ignores my genuine and heartfelt attempts at reconciliation etc. I feel rather manipulated and even emotionally abused. The ambiguity is cruel and undeserved. I am committed to her 100% and yet she keeps accusing me of not being there.

 

Thoughts?

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i think personally if you give her space you might not get her back. for what it's worth i've always believed that actions speak louder than words. for you and her. you told her you were looking at houses, you told her you were looking into moving to her country. you tell her you are separating from your wife. but you haven't done anything. just talk about it. talk is cheap. she might have trust issues and you aren't helping with that.

 

if you want her back and if you are sure she is the one for you then bring her out to look at houses, meet her at the weekends. do stuff. get a divorce if that's what you want. you have to show her you are serious. not just waffle.

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But when I was trying to talk to her about her fears, she was telling me to basically back off. I offered to fly down to see her and her reply was "Flying down to see me doesn't prove anything other than you don't respect my request for space".

 

So...how do I PROVE to her that her fears are unfounded when she is telling me to give her space?

 

Shoving things in her face seems to be the opposite of what she asked for...

 

Don't they say if someone does this you ought to back off? That showering someone with love looks desperate and needy?

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you don't have to shower them with love. just show her you mean what you say. she doesn't trust you. she said as much. she called you a liar. to me, doing nothing now is not good. there are times you need to give her space but i think if you want to salvage anything now is not the time for doing nothing. you need to sort it out between yourselves. face to face.

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I'd be really grateful for any other opinions here... I am debating taking a few days off work this week and just surprising her at her place, but am worried this will push her away.

 

And I am worried about contacting her after this week of not speaking - I don't want to be put in the category of her crazy ex - who apparently called her daily and like stalked her - I have basically let sleeping dogs lie. And don't want/need to beg her - any female opinions on this?

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hippychick3

It’s been 8 months... why are you still married and living with your wife?

 

She’s probably distancing herself from an unhealthy relationship with a married man that seems to be going nowhere.

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The answer to this is because she basically was the reason that I am ending things with my wife, yet consistently does things to make me think she isn't committed.

 

It is an awfully big risk to end my marriage for someone who can drop me like this and seemingly not care.

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It’s been 8 months... why are you still married and living with your wife?

 

She’s probably distancing herself from an unhealthy relationship with a married man that seems to be going nowhere.

 

But to address this - to show her it IS going somewhere what do I do when she asks me for space? How do I simultaneously respect her ask for space yet show her I am serious, without seeming desperate?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
The answer to this is because she basically was the reason that I am ending things with my wife, yet consistently does things to make me think she isn't committed.

 

It is an awfully big risk to end my marriage for someone who can drop me like this and seemingly not care.

 

Have you guys ever actually met in person? I'm confused about how you got into an affair with someone who lives in another country.

 

It's a big risk for HER too.....she must see that if she breaks it off you'll just decide to stay with your wife....which makes her plan B....

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Have you guys ever actually met in person? I'm confused about how you got into an affair with someone who lives in another country.

 

It's a big risk for HER too.....she must see that if she breaks it off you'll just decide to stay with your wife....which makes her plan B....

 

Haha she doesn't live in another country, she is just from the UK. And yes, of course.

 

So what do I do?

 

Do you think it'll come off as desperate if after a week of no contact, with what you've read above, if I contact her?

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The answer to this is because she basically was the reason that I am ending things with my wife, yet consistently does things to make me think she isn't committed.

 

It is an awfully big risk to end my marriage for someone who can drop me like this and seemingly not care.

 

i was under the impression your marriage was ended already. no wonder she doesn't trust you. you're cheating on your wife with her. you have to make a choice. you can't have your cake and eat it too.

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hippychick3
It is ended - her fear is unfounded.

 

If you are still married and living together, then it’s not really ended... and given that you’re technically a cheater, her fears are not unfounded.

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If you are still married and living together, then it’s not really ended... and given that you’re technically a cheater, her fears are not unfounded.

 

Before you pass judgement, we have not been physically intimate. At all. Do I have feelings, of course. But I have not touched her.

 

Also, divorces are hard. I will spare the details but its possible for two people to cohabitate amicably for financial reasons until paperwork is finalized.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Before you pass judgement, we have not been physically intimate. At all. Do I have feelings, of course. But I have not touched her.

 

Also, divorces are hard. I will spare the details but its possible for two people to cohabitate amicably for financial reasons until paperwork is finalized.

 

Does your wife know about this woman?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Yes of course.

 

Could we please return to the issue at hand here.

 

I think the only way you're going to get her to trust you and think you're serious about this relationship is to move out so you can pursue her without going home to someone else in your home. I can't blame her for withdrawing.

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I get that. But in the interim, what do I do here? She asked me for space and withdrew due to trust and has a history of being stalked by an ex! So do I make active moves to prove to her she is wrong about me or do I continue to give her space at the risk she totally moves on?

 

I really dont think she is just "not into me". If you were a woman who did this would you want to be pursued and proven wrong or to be left alone?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I get that. But in the interim, what do I do here? She asked me for space and withdrew due to trust and has a history of being stalked by an ex! So do I make active moves to prove to her she is wrong about me or do I continue to give her space at the risk she totally moves on?

 

I really dont think she is just "not into me". If you were a woman who did this would you want to be pursued and proven wrong or to be left alone?

 

I don't think she's just "not into you" either, but I do think she's not into this situation. So she needs space to decide if this is what she really wants for her life. So, my opinion is, give her space.

 

How old is she, by the way?

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I don't think she's just "not into you" either, but I do think she's not into this situation. So she needs space to decide if this is what she really wants for her life. So, my opinion is, give her space.

 

How old is she, by the way?

 

Shes only 24. I am 33.

 

How can I help her to understand that she isn't choosing "this"? Just back off totally and tell her if she reaches back out?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Shes only 24. I am 33.

 

How can I help her to understand that she isn't choosing "this"? Just back off totally and tell her if she reaches back out?

 

Don't make "this" "this" anymore. Actions speak louder than words. Do you have children?

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But you said to give her space...sooo how do I act? It's like I'm handcuffed - I want to demonstrate it but effectively she said not to.

 

Nope no kids.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
But you said to give her space...sooo how do I act? It's like I'm handcuffed - I want to demonstrate it but effectively she said not to.

 

Nope no kids.

 

I think you proceed with the divorce and cease co-habitating while respecting her wish for no contact. Reach out to her once that has happened and you're actually a free man. She probably has friends her own age, and/or family members, telling her this relationship is going nowhere because of your marriage.

 

Were you her professor?

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No, I am a physician and scientist - our relationship has nothing to do with my career.

 

Thanks for the advice - its sound.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

What's the reason for you never have even "touched her" in the 8 months you've been a couple?

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