Is everything lost forever?

[username1982]

Ill try to make it as short as possible...boy meets girl..they have an instant connection and fall deeply in love with each other. things are perfect for nearly two years. boy supports girl, girl supports him. they work together through the relationship, supporting each other and caring for each other. Boy starts a new business, which takes a lot of his time and energy. at some point boy confesses that he has emotional problems, due to what he had to endure during his childhood (a lot of parental abuse, lack of emotional support, etc).

 

Boy starts pulling away, mentally, emotionally, sexually. Girl thinks that this is all temporary - a bump in the road, to otherwise a perfect relationship. Sex life starts slowing down, he becomes distant, detached. They talk about it and address it as a grown up couple.

 

Boy promises to work on his issues in order to salvage the relationship. Another year passes by, and things don't seem to change. Boy detaches even more, even though he starts seeing a therapist in order to address his mental and emotional issues. Girl loves him to death and persuades him to go forward with the therapy, for their mutual benefit and the benefit of keeping the relationship alive. Over the past year boy has been very detached, often very tired and consumed in his newly started business.

 

Shortly after therapy started, boy decides to end things with the girl. A lot of tears are shed on both ends... She understands that he needs time on his own to heal, both have been faithful to each other all along - even though many things in the relationship are not the same as they were in the beginning. Boy keeps on saying that he is emotionally unavailable due to his past, and that he needs time to work on himself.

 

The break up is devastating.Both spend time talking about it, but boy is convinced that he is only hurting the girl too much and he cannot make her happy. Girl is devastated and broken...she understands that he is probably right and the best thing is to end things now, in order to prevent further pain...Girl lets him go...

 

Now, two weeks after the break up..I am that sad, broken hearted girl..We barely talk to each other (only about personal items - who is going to keep what). He cut off 99% of contact...I am devastated...He asked me to move on and find someone else who can truly give me the happiness and love of a relationship.

 

I can't help but think that he was the one. We had a deep connection and even though I agree that our relationship was not going anywhere at this point, I can't help hoping that someday he will come back around... We broke up both telling each other that we still love each other... We didn't have many fights throughout the relationship - actually very few. We got along very well and always finished each others sentences. We had the same taste in everything and the same views of a family.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated..Has anyone experienced this type of break up?

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn't the one if he spent so much time pulling away and disengaging from the relationship.

 

Yes, he might indeed have issues he needs to resolve. The point is that he knows he doesn't want to solve them in the context of (or for the benefit of) your relationship. He isn't comfortable doing so.

 

When someone tells you to move on, I have always found that it's best to heed that advice. They know their hearts and minds better than we ever could, and whatever their reasoning, they know they aren't motivated to work toward a future together.

[breadbin]

He is spelling it out for you. move on. most people aren't so lucky. the whys and wherefores aren't important now. he had his reasons. he probably wanted to end it a year ago but didn't know how.

 

in my experience when someone in a relationship has to 'promise' to work on issues it's not a good sign. this usually happens after the honeymoon period of about a year or two. both parties see who they are really with and then this happens. it's no one's fault. just put it down to incompatibility. i'm sure he is a nice guy and you sound like a nice girl. you will both get over it. hard as it may seem now.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

He asked me to move on and find someone else who can truly give me the happiness and love of a relationship.

 

 

 

Once someone tells you the above you have no choice but to give up hope and move on with your life. He was pulling back it seems for quite some time before he ended it. If he were truly "the One" he wouldn't have let you go. Feelings didn't match.

[username1982]

Thanks for your input guys. It took me a few days to digest your replies, and I am trying to accept the facts.

 

Yes he seems to have moved on completely and a while ago, which is why now he has no trouble ignoring me. We bumped into each other at an office a few days ago, and even though he saw me standing there - he completely ignored me. He was smiling, laughing, jolly and happy and he walked right passed me. He had a damn big smile on his face and that just ruined my day. I remember driving back home with tears in my eyes and just wanting to lay in bed and wonder how he could have moved on so fast.

 

He also kept contradicting himself while breaking up with me. See, we lived together for almost 3 years, and when he brought the break up news to me - it still took me two weeks to figure out a new place to stay. During those two weeks we both discussed our failed relationship in great detail. I asked him all the questions that tortured my mind. He listened and responded patiently.

 

He told me that even though he still loves me and cares deeply for me, it is not the kind of romantic love that I desire from him. He said that his focus now lays on figuring out his life, his financial situation and his future. He said that he has no interest in having a relationship at the moment, and even though I was the most perfect woman in his life, and he would probably never find someone like me - it is unfair to me to keep me on a string like that. He said that he was a broken man with little emotional sensitivity and he simply doesn't know how to love. He says it goes deep in his childhood, and he needs time to figure himself out.

 

I never really begged for him to change his mind. Even though we both cried and hugged and held hands, there was something cold about him. He was absolutely disconnected and it hurt me so bad...I think I accepted the break up gracefully and haven't made stupid desperate attempts to win him back. Deep inside I realize that there is no return from this situation, there is no salvation...

 

I can't shake the hope that, in future, when enough time passes by, he will reach out to me and realize his mistakes. I can't help but hope that he will "fix" his financial and emotional problems, and will at least want to have a friendly chat with me and see how I am doing...

 

I did block him from all social media and my phone. The only way for him to contact me is to send me an email...

I just need some support guys, this is so hard on me.

[breadbin]

I know it's hard. It's literally the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. I got through mine with distractions, job, friends and of course loveshack.org. I only allowed myself to break down now and then listening to music and watching films. I remember the car was my goto place for crying:)

 

There are so many peoples accounts on here of similar situations I'd suggest you read them if you can. It does help to know that you are not alone. It also helps to hear about peoples progression and knowing that you will get through it will make it bearable.

 

Keep posting here too, it's what we are here for.

[PRW]

(1) Yes he seems to have moved on completely and a while ago, which is why now he has no trouble ignoring me. We bumped into each other at an office a few days ago, and even though he saw me standing there - he completely ignored me. He was smiling, laughing, jolly and happy and he walked right passed me. He had a damn big smile on his face and that just ruined my day. I remember driving back home with tears in my eyes and just wanting to lay in bed and wonder how he could have moved on so fast.

 

(2) He also kept contradicting himself while breaking up with me.

 

(3) He said that he was a broken man with little emotional sensitivity and he simply doesn't know how to love. He says it goes deep in his childhood, and he needs time to figure himself out.

 

(4) I can't help but hope that he will "fix" his financial and emotional problems,

 

I am very suspicious of this. I think there is more to this and that he is using the Childhood excuse as exactly that,...an excuse. But I guess that is neither her nor there. It won't change the result or fix anything.

 

I did block him from all social media and my phone. The only way for him to contact me is to send me an email...

I just need some support guys, this is so hard on me.

 

Remove the blocks. There is no valid point in doing something like that other than emotional satisfaction. You do stuff like than when you have a stalker or a guy that won't take no for an answer,....that is clearly not the case here. Remove the blocks,...he may actually have something important to say in the future.

 

My recommendation is to go out on Casual Dates (does not mean casual sex) with more than one person. I recommend 2 or no more than 3 at once. Maybe two dates a month, keep the other weekends for yourself. Keep your pants zipped and your clothes on. Just go on the dates,...hangout,...have fun. You will be amazed at the healing effect that can have when you begin to realize that you really do have options and some of the options really aren't that bad. Keeping your pants zipped and your clothes on is to keep you out of any new "messes" before you start thinking more clearly. It is going to take some time before you start thinking clearly.

[username1982]

Remove the blocks. There is no valid point in doing something like that other than emotional satisfaction. You do stuff like than when you have a stalker or a guy that won't take no for an answer,....that is clearly not the case here. Remove the blocks,...he may actually have something important to say in the future.

 

My recommendation is to go out on Casual Dates (does not mean casual sex) with more than one person. I recommend 2 or no more than 3 at once. Maybe two dates a month, keep the other weekends for yourself. Keep your pants zipped and your clothes on. Just go on the dates,...hangout,...have fun. You will be amazed at the healing effect that can have when you begin to realize that you really do have options and some of the options really aren't that bad. Keeping your pants zipped and your clothes on is to keep you out of any new "messes" before you start thinking more clearly. It is going to take some time before you start thinking clearly.

 

Speaking of the blocks...to be honest I had done that because some of my friends that know the situation have really suggested this as the best option. They said that it would keep me away from constantly checking my social media and constantly waiting on him to say anything...I already had a bad gut feeling about the blocking part to be honest. Indeed he is not a stalker, nor he is annoying me with messages, so I was really unsure of the blocking part. I'll probably follow your advice and unblock him - I don't think I will be hearing from him anytime soon anyway.

 

My friend who is also friends on FB with him told me that he still has all of our photos together on his page. I guess this can mean that he still cared for me at the time of the break up, and it's not like he was anxious to remove me from his life. He hasn't spoken to me ever since I moved out though, which is also contradicting because in my head it can only mean that he had moved on...My head keeps spinning, I keep over-analyzing things, I keep focusing on the smallest details in our long break-up conversations and trying to figure out what exactly did he mean...He would say that he loves me and cares about me, yet he hasn't contacted me. He would say that it hurts him just as bad and he is suffering in his own way, yet he seemed happy the other day when I bumped into him. Too many contradictions here...

 

I agree on the dating part too. I am not looking forward to engaging in anything intimate with anyone at the moment. Some casual dating will help though, but I have quite a strong sense of self-worth and I am quite conservative on this matter.

 

Thanks for your advice anyhow. I am still extremely hurt and keep thinking of all possible outcomes in future. I miss him so terribly...

[username1982]

I know it's hard. It's literally the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. I got through mine with distractions, job, friends and of course loveshack.org. I only allowed myself to break down now and then listening to music and watching films. I remember the car was my goto place for crying:)

 

There are so many peoples accounts on here of similar situations I'd suggest you read them if you can. It does help to know that you are not alone. It also helps to hear about peoples progression and knowing that you will get through it will make it bearable.

 

Keep posting here too, it's what we are here for.

 

 

Thanks breadbin...I saw some stories that could really relate to mine..It made me feel a little better about myself...I guess I am not the only girl that had gone through this and had a similar break-up.

 

During working hours I sometimes retreat to the bathroom, brush off my tears go back out smiling like nothing happened. Nobody at the office even knows that this happened, except for some of my closest friends. I like to keep my personal life to myself..