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Broken Up, Hoping to Reconcile


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 6th March 2018, 11:50 AM   #1
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Broken Up, Hoping to Reconcile

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was very drunk and we had a fight. I came back to our apartment a few days later and apologized for blowing up, apologized for leaving and not coming back, and asked if we could work it out. He said he couldnít think right then.

I wish I could say this is the first time I got way too drunk and had a fight with him, but it isnít. It happened every few months for the past few years. It was like I couldnít air my problems unless I was hammered. Which is ridiculous. Or I would be really upset about something else, and somehow that would turn into a fight between us.

Saw him the next day and he said he needed time, he had serious thinking to do.

Since then Iíve only made contact with him about practical things that legitimately need addressing. For example, the last exchange was about me coming to get my dresser and bedside table out of the apartment. We were planning on moving into a house together, heís still going. I live with a girlfriend for now. Iím trying to respect his space and not reach out when all I want to do is beg for another chance and tell him how sorry I am.

That fight made me realize a few unpleasant truths about myself:

1. I can handle liquor most of the time, but the 10% of the time that things get bad I always ended up fighting with him and being self-destructive (walking back to a bar late at night by myself, continuing to drink so much I woke up drunk the next day, etc.). Not worth it to me.

2. I was neglectful of just about everything. I did the bare minimum to get by. I would miss work a lot, blow off friends (like, someone I would really care about would text me and ask me to hang out and I would just not answer them because I was very anxious about leaving my house), and I was definitely neglectful of him in a physical way. He likes sex a LOT. He never shut me down when I wanted it, which was nice, but I felt like I was constantly telling him no and eventually he stopped trying. (Who wouldnít?) I was also neglectful of myself. I gained 70lbs during our relationship, and only showered likeÖ twice a week. It was like I was in this cloud and nothing was worth any effort except bare minimum survival.

3. I slept entirely too much. I slept sometimes 16 hours a day on a weekend.

I also realize that I love this man very much and I havenít been a good partner. Even when we got along, which was most of the time, I was still this useless, lump person.

Iím going to my third therapy appointment tomorrow (found someone I am so comfortable working with on CBT), Iíve been taking my antidepressants and reaching out to friends and following through on everything I say Iím going to do. I sleep 6-8 hours a day. Iím joining a gym today because Iíve been waking up every morning at about 5:45-6:00am and stress vomiting, then after that I just sit around, drink hot tea, chain smoke, and cry. So why not use that time productively to do something Iíve been putting off forever? I donít have to be into my job until 9am, so thatís plenty of time to hit the gym for up to an hour, shower, come home, and get ready.

Iíve been in this weird limbo for a month now. I feel like Iím playing a weird game, but I donít know the rules. Iím doing bare minimum contact, and thatís about to be no contact because he will be moved and there wonít be anything practical we need to discuss. The best thing I can think of to do is leave him be and let him lead our interactions. But is that the right move? Does that make it seem like I donít care either way? Because I very much do. I havenít even told him I miss him because I donít want to come across as trying to push him to do/say anything.

And I really do miss him. I miss talking to him about our days and nerdy stuff. I even miss hearing his political rants. (We lean the same, but he's a little more into it than I am.) We'll have to be around each other at some point, we just have too many mutual friends. Pretty much all of our friends are mutual. I've told everyone close to me who's asked the truth of what happened and asked them to please not treat him differently because of the situation we're currently in. There's no side choosing or anything going on with our friends.

Iím very confused on how to handle the situation best. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:26 PM   #2
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At least you acknowledge your mistakes and that is a great start. I think working out is a good idea and will raise your self esteem. If you haven't already (but it seems you have) stop drinking. It is poison and probably the main reason your bf has to think about whether to take you back or not. I think once he sees your self improvement that will make a big difference. Dress up, do your hair and makeup. You will be surprised how much better you will feel and look.
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Old 6th March 2018, 3:27 PM   #3
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I think you are right to focus on yourself and not try to patch things up immediately. It would be fair to let him know that you've realized you have a lot of issues to address and weren't a good partner to him as of late, and that you now want to take responsibility for that. And you're doing it for yourself, not him, and you know it will take time, but you wanted to let him know and maybe can check back in in a few weeks and have a more productive conversation then. Then keep things as they have been: you respecting each other's space and only reaching out for practical logistics reasons until you've had enough time to start getting into a healthier routine for yourself and he's had some time to process.

Good luck, and even if this doesn't turn out the way you want it to with him, you are going to still be making your life infinitely better if you pursue this path of taking care of yourself! So keep on it and kudos for taking the first steps.
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Old 6th March 2018, 5:26 PM   #4
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I think it's great you recognized you have a problem and are seeking help. At this point, it's probably best you continue to work on yourself and not focus on trying to get him back. If the two of you are meant to be, he will come back into your life at some point but you need to take this time to get yourself on track.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:55 AM   #5
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Thank you all for the encouragement to keep moving forward. It does seem to be the best course right now. I can't be a good partner for anyone if I'm a mess.

So far, while I am extremely sad this happened and he's not in my life right now, this has shaken me up in a good way. I feel like I'm waking up for the first time, maybe ever.
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Old 7th March 2018, 12:52 PM   #6
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Yes, whatever you do, do not beg and plead to get back. Say your sorry, that you recognize you need to make some serious changes and maybe you guys can talk down the road again and wish him the best. As a guy, I totally respect this from someone had to break up with because of the same issue over and over. Someone wanting/begging to get right back together when I know nothing will change is a huge turn off and will make me lose all feeling for possibly getting back together ever again and make me finally go out and find someone new.
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Old 7th March 2018, 1:46 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by dumbass2 View Post
Yes, whatever you do, do not beg and plead to get back. Say your sorry, that you recognize you need to make some serious changes and maybe you guys can talk down the road again and wish him the best. As a guy, I totally respect this from someone had to break up with because of the same issue over and over. Someone wanting/begging to get right back together when I know nothing will change is a huge turn off and will make me lose all feeling for possibly getting back together ever again and make me finally go out and find someone new.
I completely understand that, and it sounds like the best plan. I don't want to fall back into the same situation (I'm 1000% positive he doesn't want that), if there's going to be anything between us down the line the foundation will need to be rebuilt. If that doesn't come to pass, I will be sad, but I'll move on like people do.
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Old 8th March 2018, 11:48 AM   #8
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Exclamation Update

So... my ex is moving out the last of his things from the apartment we used to share and I offered to go in after him and do a final clean (all my stuff fit in my car... he's got a lot more than that to deal with).

Well, I reach out just to confirm that it's okay with him if I still go on the day I planned (today). Because I was thinking he would be out... but his help fell through and I... kind of offered to help him?

I'm nervous, but my plan is to just stick to business, be friendly but not weirdly so, and not talk about "us stuff" unless he starts the conversation. If that happens, I will stick to my plan.

Oof. I wasn't expecting this so soon.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:09 PM   #9
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Yeah, it was probably a bad idea to offer to help him. It will be extremely awkward. If you "stick to business" it will seem like you're cold and uncaring. If you talk about things it will make a stressful time even more awkward. This seems like a lose-lose.

If I were you I would have told him how you feel and tell him everything you say in your initial post. Maybe in a letter. If he sees that you acknowledge your problems, you are making positive changes and sticking with them, then he may give things another chance.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:39 PM   #10
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I agree that you should not have offered your help. Let him find someone to help him. Stop doing the heavy lifting and let him pursue you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:31 PM   #11
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I disagree. She said she wasn't a good partner before and she's trying to change, so let her help and be nice and pleasant and respectful while doing so.

I usually advocate for saying important things in person (or at least the phone) over letter-writing etc., but maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to write down something short reflecting what I said in my earlier post in this thread to hand to him AFTER you're finished and as you're about to leave. Then you won't feel as much pressure while you're actually hanging out because what you need to say will be "delivered" after. Or, just play it cool (in terms of conversation topics, but be warm to him) and figure you can see how it goes and if it's OK then you'll be able to talk another time.

Just don't have any expectations for when you see him. You can start showing him you're becoming more thoughtful, self-aware, etc., but this is still going to be a process for you that can't be rushed.
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Old 9th March 2018, 10:38 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by SpecialJ View Post
I disagree. She said she wasn't a good partner before and she's trying to change, so let her help and be nice and pleasant and respectful while doing so.

I usually advocate for saying important things in person (or at least the phone) over letter-writing etc., but maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to write down something short reflecting what I said in my earlier post in this thread to hand to him AFTER you're finished and as you're about to leave. Then you won't feel as much pressure while you're actually hanging out because what you need to say will be "delivered" after. Or, just play it cool (in terms of conversation topics, but be warm to him) and figure you can see how it goes and if it's OK then you'll be able to talk another time.

Just don't have any expectations for when you see him. You can start showing him you're becoming more thoughtful, self-aware, etc., but this is still going to be a process for you that can't be rushed.
Thanks. I can totally understand why it seems like I'm a thirsty girl who's just like "OMG, attention? Yes!!" Or that I'm trying to rush things, perhaps.

Honestly, it went as well as it could have. He had some car trouble, so I was mostly there by myself cleaning. And I did a kickass job. He was very appreciative of my help, which was nice. It was definitely weird seeing him. We only saw each other for about 20 minutes, it had gotten dark, so we just loaded up what little things we could in the time we had and amicably parted ways. He asked me to talk to the landlords about needing a little extra time, which I did. (They're really nice people. They told us to take the weekend, and just let them know if we needed more time. I honestly don't think we will. He's got enough to fill his truck 1 more time left, and I have a few more things to clean.) He asked if I could help again today and I agreed. Even while we were texting and he was keeping me updated on the vehicle situation, I feel like it's the first time we've had a conversation that hasn't been super emotionally fraught and it felt nice to just talk to him again.

I don't think it could have gone any better than that, interaction-wise. (Obviously it would have been better if he wasn't having car problems while trying to move.)

I plan on seeing how today goes, and maybe asking if we could get together and talk after he gets settled in and his situation calms down a little bit. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. As much as I miss him and hate being apart, I'm not ready yet and I know it. I won't sacrifice the progress I've made. While I don't blame him a single bit for my own problems, I fear that if we reunited right now, I would slack on my self care and slowly, but surely backslide right back into where all this horribleness started in the first place.

Happy thoughts and good vibes would be amazingly appreciated. I'll be keeping this thread updated as the process moves along. It's like journaling, but with the additional benefit of third-party opinions/advice and I am so grateful everyone who has engaged with me during this time. Even if you disagree with my actions, that's cool! Opposing perspectives make me think about stuff from different angles! It's been amazingly helpful.
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Old 9th March 2018, 3:31 PM   #13
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Good luck OP, lots of love and positive energy from Calibabe!
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Old 12th March 2018, 10:40 AM   #14
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Phew. What a weekend.

So we met at our old apartment on Friday to do some more work. It went really well, we were both friendly and joking and getting along just fine.

Saturday I had to help a friend clean her new house (she's getting a really great deal, but it needs a lot of love at this point). I asked how it went and he didn't get anything done, he would go over Sunday after work and finish up. That fell through because of weather. So I went ahead back on Sunday and finished up most of my cleaning. Left the apartment key with the landlords.

During our messaging on Sunday, I told him thank you for Friday, it was nice to see him and hang out a bit. I said I would like to get together and talk, maybe grab coffee once things settle down for him. He said "That's fine" and we planned on Tuesday of next week. He did get a little... less friendly? Not mean or cold or anything... it just felt like the warmth got sucked out of the conversation.

For instance, when I suggested the meeting date (9 days from the time of the conversation) he messaged me back saying I would have to remind him closer to the date. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it (because this was all text) or not. I'm thinking that maybe because our interactions previously did go so well and I did help him out he thinks I might leverage that into asking to get back together right away? I keep telling myself to stop over analyzing, go about my business, see how it goes when I get there, and stick to my plan. I just have this knot in my tummy whenever I think about it too much, so I'm not going to dwell. I've got plenty to do to keep myself busy and occupied over the next week.

Trying to keep the stressing to a minimum, especially over unknown things. It is... difficult.
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Old 12th March 2018, 1:23 PM   #15
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Is it possible that he's hesitant to meet because he thinks you want to talk about the relationship/reconciliation? Perhaps it's too soon, as he's still sorting through his feelings?

What is the purpose of meeting for coffee? If you were a dumpee coming on here asking about a coffee meet that a dumper initiated we would probably suggest that you see what that person's purpose is. That may be why he's hesitant? OR - you are over analyzing and misinterpreting the texts, as you stated.
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