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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 6th March 2018, 7:52 AM   #1
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Sweet love

My love story.

From a very young age I was intrested in girls. I used to find girls even as a toddler. I found whilst i was very young that I simply couldnt handle rejection. It would consume me and take a while for me to get over anyone. I never really broke up with anyone.

My first long term girlfriend was a very lovley and beautiful girl who came from a poorer background, I was very internment with her and spent 24/7 with her. She locked onto me as well and we were both very happy. We was together over a year and after a while I was less and less amazed by this person and didnt want to be with her. We had lots of arguements and one day we broke up. Turns out she got into a relationship with my best friend since primary school. I was devastated and it destroyed me. I did everything to win her back and we did have a short few day relationship which once again ended in tears.

I moved on to partys and drugs and entered depression. Perhaps my darkest days.

After about 6 months or so I was doing better but still very insecure about my self and then I met Charlotte. She was perhaps the purest and cutest person Id ever hoped to meet. She was low on confidence and I helped her with that and she helped me put my life back on track. I got good qualifications and got a good stable life. She moved in when I was 20 and she was 18. Again we spent all our tine together. She would do absolutley everything i asked and was so loyal and loving and i trusted her with everything. For years we was that cute couple everyone thought would be together for ever and we thought the same. She was however not very exciting and was not all that bright. I soon started to fear missing out on life and other girls. I lost intrest in her and sometimes would get angry with her for no reason whatsoever. I was trapped with her for fear of being alone, knowing she was good for me and would one day make a great wife and mum. She had no other friends having cut them off for bullying her. I cared about her very much but spent over a year watching my life move on without much excitement. I wanted to escape. I initially wanted to buy a house with her, she was good for me and new Id be in safe hands. She wanted to travel together ... soon we swapped roles and I wanted to travel and she wanted a house. I didnt want to travel with her and wanted to do this alone. I had been saving for over a year and was on target to leave for Thailand in early 2018. In November 17 I was sick of how I was to such a lovley girl and told her I didnt want to be with her and that I wanted to travel.* She was sick of me not caring about her either and hadnt wanted to be with me for a long while too. But we still got on very well and decided* to set a expirey date for January and break up. We got through Christmas enjoying our last days and convinced ourselves that we needed to move on. We spoke often about one day getting back with eachother as we did get on so well usually. We had an emotional good bye and I set off on my travels about 10 days later. I was worried about her and not me and ensured she had girl friends to look after her.

A few days into my travels I was doing fine and when i slept in my first dorm I boasted to my friends that my dorm was me and three other girls...I left out that they werent stunners...

News of my boasting got back to Charlotte presumably because one of the girlfriends of the boys had relayed this news to her. One friend let me know she had questioned him about it. I was furious and left the whatsapp chats with both boys only and boys and girls. This betrayal stirred up so much raw emotion for her that I hadnt dealt with I just felt home sick and sorry for her. In fact although she struggled for the first days of our breakup she was ok but still kept checking up on me through friends. A few days later and after a 16 hour journey around Thailand I broke and wad crying down the phone to her. I loved her and wanted her back. She told me she had moved on and not to come home.
*
After a few more days, trying and failing to enjoy myself I booked a flight home. On one of my stop overs I spoke to her and told her id made a huge mistake. I was on my way home. She told me that she didnt love me anymore and had moved* on. I carried on home and sorted my drama out with my friends. We made up but charlotte was still close with the girlfriends and was going out with them and some other new friends.

I persuaded one of my closest friends to come back to Thailand as he was not working I paid for his flight and promised to pay for his whole trip. I couldnt bare with the lonleyness on my own and was happy to cover him in return of his company. We have to wait 2 weeks for him to be able to come over to me to then fly to thailand.

During these two weeks I was destroyed and was conviced I needed her back. I eventually phoned her on a payphone as she blocked me on all social media. We met for a chat and she reitterated with me kindly that were not getting back together. I couldnt move on though. We texted as friends. I went out the day before my birthday and had heard through friends that she was also out that night. We arranged to go to different pubs and clubs. She text me on the day saying she was going to the same pub. I changed plans and went elsewhere. I then saw her outside the club i was going out to and she told me she was going there too. I told her to meet me after, she said no. I was shaking all night and was hurt she just gate crashed my night. I did however manage to pick up a girl and spent the evening with her talking. We then left the club and went to buy alcohol to come back to mine. I also texted charlotte saying to meet me. Charlotte texted me back saying yes and I literally ran away from my hookup to meet her.

Charlotte was 9/10 drunk and halfway to mine said* she wants to go home. I ignored her got her home and got her into my bed. I spent all night hugging her and relishing spending one last night with her. When she woke up she blurted out ****! She was cold as hell with me but hungover and rough she stayed for breakfast (Mcdonalds delivery) and left very sharpish after that. Id checked her phone and saw she was very active with other blokes and had spent a lot of time meeting guys and partying. This explains why the girl who loved me so deeply and who i was worried about was able to move on easily. Id been sexually active with three girls since our break up but refused to sleep with them as I didnt feel i could...

That day Charlotte texted me happy birthday and a couple of nice replies after that. I was still hurting and suffered. Two days later and its the day before my travels. My friend arrives tonight although im not over her and always thinking of her. Im going to struggle travelling even with my friend.

How can I be so heart broken over a girl I didnt want to be with. I planned to leave for ages and was happy to move on? Whats wrong with me and being alone? I obviously care about the girl a lot but couldnt stomach her to be content with our relationship. How can I move on, how can i stop being clingy. How can I learn to appreciate what I have at the time and not dwell on not showing them love after we break up.

Thoughts and advice would help a lot.
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Old 6th March 2018, 10:32 AM   #2
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Man youíve described my same dilemma. I initially love a girl so deeply and get so attached that they sometimes run. Then when I have them I begin to find faults and fall out of love. I stay with them long after I should bc I donít want to hurt them and bc I still love them. Then when they inevitably get sick of not getting the love they need and break up with me, Iím utterly destroyed.

I recommend you go to Reddit and search for a person called ďtothecoreĒ. His comments and analyses are outstanding. Theyíve inspired me to seek out professional counseling, specifically psychoanalysis, to uncover the deep seated issues causing me to act this way. Itís a pattern really. We are unconsciously trying to resolve some conflict that happened earlier in life. We will repeat the pattern until we feel itís resolved. Psychotherapy can help wth this.

Anyway, I could be way off base but your story resonated with me. Good luck.
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Old 6th March 2018, 10:46 AM   #3
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I’m def not a psychoanalyst but I am curious, did either of you crave love from your mother In your childhood that you did not get?
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Old 6th March 2018, 11:35 AM   #4
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Iím def not a psychoanalyst but I am curious, did either of you crave love from your mother In your childhood that you did not get?


MOST DEFINITELY
My mother loved me but I don't think she was capable of being warm and nurturing. In fact, she rarely tells me that she loves me and hugs feel awkward. The psychoanalyst identified this in the first session...so good insight!
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Old 6th March 2018, 11:43 AM   #5
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MOST DEFINITELY
My mother loved me but I don't think she was capable of being warm and nurturing. In fact, she rarely tells me that she loves me and hugs feel awkward. The psychoanalyst identified this in the first session...so good insight!
Interesting. Thank you for answering.

This came to mind because I have two friends who suffer from this and I only know because they identified it in themselves and told me. Both do what you do and both desperately wanted their mothers love and attention when they were children but could never get it how they needed.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:11 PM   #6
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Interesting. Thank you for answering.

This came to mind because I have two friends who suffer from this and I only know because they identified it in themselves and told me. Both do what you do and both desperately wanted their mothers love and attention when they were children but could never get it how they needed.

It's comforting to know that I am not completely alone, although it certainly feels like it. I hope the psychotherapy helps. Ill gladly keep you updated.
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:06 PM   #7
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I strongly suggest you get counselling. I think the truth is, you probably did love her but you did not know how to receive her love. Knowing how to receive is just as important as knowing how to give.

If you come from a background which would make recognizing that a difficult thing, then counselling will help you build the tools to recognize that.

I have made the same mistake as you once in a big way and several times in small ways before I started working on myself.
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:07 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
Interesting. Thank you for answering.

This came to mind because I have two friends who suffer from this and I only know because they identified it in themselves and told me. Both do what you do and both desperately wanted their mothers love and attention when they were children but could never get it how they needed.
I think it has been established in another thread that Teddy and I are going through very similar emotions as part of our breakups. I, for some reason, always get attachment issues after a relationship ends even though I may have questioned the relationship as it was going on. I wanted to point out that my mother was incredibly nurturing and showed as much love and compassion as any mother could. Just goes to show that people can have completely different upbringings but still handle a situation in a similar matter.

I am hoping to figure out what it is that causes me attachment issues and insecurities once a relationship ends, because I hate living with this feeling.

Last edited by Lloyd4Christmas; 7th March 2018 at 9:08 PM..
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