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Out of the blue and brutal


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TerraceHaus

I met a girl online two and a half years ago, we chatted, and within minutes I knew we had a strong connection, we eventually meet and I know I want her in my life, luckily the feeling was mutual and we start spending as much time as possible together.

 

Our time together was limited by distance, we generally saw each other about once a month. We both had/have lives that took us in different directions for work, research, etc. Eventually she gets a job as a park ranger, and I find myself with my dream job, but in a different state. Park rangers generally seem to change parks every six months or so, so I visit her wherever she is working. Every visit is wonderful, we would do all the things, and it was nothing short of amazing. We seem to have accepted that this is the way things will be, at least for a couple years. Saying goodbye always hurt, but in my mind she was worth it, and once she found a more stable job within the parks I knew I was willing to move to be with her. There was no park too remote for me to visit to see her. During our times apart we exchanged letters, packages, and regularly talk.

 

Over the last few months we’d been able to see each other more regularly, she visited me, I visited her (it was a quick, 2 day trip that I had to do some finangling to make work between the holidays and a work trip). While we were together we made plans for another visit in a few weeks - I was supposed to be there right now. She mentions that she has a month off in April and will come stay with me, I’m beyond pleased with that. She also introduced me to her neighbor, a guy who looked like a shorter, stockier version of me. A decent guy, but he’s been described as “swipe left” me, kind of boring.

 

I return home, her and I keep talking, exchanging pictures, and making plans. Then the government shut down happens. I call her to see how she’s doing, she’s upset, but I try to be positive and say that at least we’ll get to see each other soon. We confirm the dates of my visit, then I don’t hear from her for a day or so.

 

She then calls me in the middle of the work day, she’s crying, flustered, and almost seems to be having a panic attack. She says all sorts of things: she needs time alone to focus on her career, she needs someone who is more present in her life, she can’t handle a relationship right now, she wants kids though not right now, she doesn’t know which direction her life is going in. Despite all that is said there is no definitive conclusion, I give her space.

I message her a few days later saying that I’d like a better understanding of what is happening and she breaks up with me. The conversation lasts for three hours.

 

She says she:

 

Needs be to be there more often, I had just visited and had plans to return in a couple weeks.

 

Would have broken up with me if I had moved closer to her, yet encouraged me to apply to jobs near her.

 

Needs time to focus on her career, her career was always first as it was the reason we were long distance and only seeing each other once a month or so offers plenty of time for her to focus on work.

 

The age difference between us is too great, yet has dated guys 20 years her senior.

 

Wants me in her life, but can’t handle the stress of a relationship at the moment.

 

Will soon be working at a park so remote that I won’t be able to visit, yet of the 417 national parks she has only applied to the four that are closest to me.

 

Feels like she isn’t part of my life, but has only once made an effort to visit me. Park rangers have very limited time off, I understood this though.

 

Wants to travel, but feels I’m not interested; I’m on a plane at least once a month.

 

Hates the thought of living in my state; yet again has applied to all sorts of jobs in it.

 

Feels I am unsuitable because I was once very casually “engaged” (a story in itself); yet has her own fair share of baggage.

 

Needs more space and freedom in her life; again, we saw each other every month or so.

 

Finally she says she and “swipe left” guy have been together “in a way that makes it clear they are more than friends” for the past three weeks. From this point on I’m devastated, and she becomes cold. There are no apologies, or recognition of the pain the is inflicting. It almost seems as if she feels justified to tear me apart. At the end of it all she encourages me to find support to help me deal with this. Had it not all been so devastating and unexpected I would be able to handle it with some help, but because of her approach and the acute viciousness of it all I am particularly devastated.

 

I box up all her letters and gifts to send back to her and write her a letter explaining how hurt I am.

 

A couple weeks ago she sends me a message saying “Happy Birthday, I hope you’re doing well” I tell her that is the most thoughtless thing she has ever said, she blocks me on Facebook.

 

Update:

We had a somewhat civil conversation the other day. She told me she lied about cheating on me, and did it to anger and hurt me to the point that I would hate her. She then said that she thought it would be best if I had believed that she cheated, I don't understand why.

 

She also said she’d love to hang out in the near future when she moves closer to me.

 

This whole thing is a complete mind****.

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HumanMachine

She cheats on you so you send her a letter telling her how much she hurt you. Lol and you wonder why she cheated on you...

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TerraceHaus

I called her out on all sorts of stuff in the letter, including the cheating. It was all pretty harsh.

Edited by TerraceHaus
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ExpatInItaly

I'm sorry, OP.

 

I don't believe for a second that she lied about cheating. She was telling you the truth about that, but backtracked when she realized how awful it made her look.

 

But make no mistake, she was unfaithful. Her list of reasons for breaking up with you were meant as justifications to cover the truth - she's with someone else.

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HumanMachine
I called her out on all sorts of stuff in the letter, including the cheating. It was all pretty harsh.

 

It was beta and needy. Which is exactly why she was off with the “short stocky boring” version of you.

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It’s likely that she wanted a permanent break up and couldn’t think of any other ‘beytee’ reason that would be as strong as cheating.

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  • 2 weeks later...
HumanMachine

OP i’d like to apologise for my previous posts. I hope everything is going well for you.

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