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How to be a dumper?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th February 2018, 3:33 PM   #16
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That's great, Jack!

I try to be thoughtful... it just gets mixed with my own feelings and ego and withdrawal and relief and hormones hahaha... so some days I don't know what to do and feel tempted to fall back to "old habits".

But overall I'm doing a good job in taking care of myself. Hope he's doing the same.

Hope you are too! ^^
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Old 1st March 2018, 11:04 PM   #17
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Personally, after the way my ex left, I would rather he stay NC (he initiated). I'd have even less respect for him if he did try to "show he cares" now. Just saying. Move on. I doubt they would want to hear from you, or they would reach out when they thought they could be your friend.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 3:01 AM   #18
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This is where I'm most confused about. I understand false hopes and that it would be cruel, but isn't it worse to think that you're not even remembered by your ex,

No. Definitely not.

Hopefully he is getting on with his life and starting to forget about you.

You are trying to justify contacting him to make yourself feel better. Own your decision to end things (it was the right one most likely) and the fact that you are a bit sad now is part of that.

Don't hurt him just to make things better for you.
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Old 4th March 2018, 11:14 PM   #19
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As a dumpee myself I wouldn’t want my ex to contact me without a decision on her part to rekindle the relationship. Anything else is totally cruel.

Just let him recover and find someone else.
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Old 7th March 2018, 3:00 PM   #20
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So just to keep you posted:

Yesterday he emailed me again, just something random, and I realized this "endless end" is what kills me. I want to own my decision, I've kept no contact for almost 2 months, but then there's this lingering on his side. It makes me sad because it shows me he hasn't started to move on yet, which I want him to do, and at the same time, it does feed my ego, I don't deny it, and I can't properly move on either. A sort of a weekness, but anyway.

And it also makes me wonder "haven't I been clear enough? Did I do anything wrong in communicating that was the end?" - which I know it's not true, because it's not as if he's begging for explanations, it's just purely random.

So I took the opportunity and replied. Thought a lot before sending, wanted to be firm but not rude.

Here's what I said:

That's good, I'm glad.

You keep writing me. You haven't stopped. In 2 months. Using different email addresses. I don't know why you still do it, when I asked you not to.

I don't know if you didn't understand me, or you plainly want to disrespect my request, but I don't want to receive anything else from you. I don't want you to write me.

I want to keep moving forward, and I would really like you to do the same. That's the only option: moving on. And for that matter, contact has to be 0, at least for a while - I don't know how long for.

Does it mean that we will never speak again or that we will never be "friends" or something? I couldn't say it yet, it's too early. It's not about that anyway. It's not about me not appreciating you, it's just about moving forward. That chapter is closed and the next ones will be wonderful, but only if you accept the "death" of what happened and open yourself up to the "birth" of what's to come. Only if you take responsibility for your own happiness.

I care about you and I deeply want you to be happy, and I suppose you know this much, but I want to have my request respected. I need full distance (and you too, in fact), please.

Take care!


My first line is in response to the random piece of news he sent me.

In response to that, he said: "Oh, I see, you've met someone new. Congratulations!"

o.O I don't know where he got that from, certainly not from the email I sent! haha... I haven't met anyone new and deep inside I didn't want him to think that, I find it sort of "disrespectful" or at least weird when people get into new relationships so soon after a breakup.

But I left it at that, didn't say anything else and don't plan to. It's just my ego, wanting to look good at all times, so it's not worth the discussion. If thinking I have a new bf helps him to move on, then be it.

I'm really hoping this means the end of communication from him. Then I know I'll complete my healing. I know I shouldn't rely on his healing to have my own, but I see that this is what's been happening.

My boundaries with him have been reaffirmed and I think I left no room for false hopes. I'm ready to keep moving on, hope he does the same


Thanks for reading Any polite takes and views will be much appreciated!
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Old 7th March 2018, 3:27 PM   #21
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His response was from hurt. I would just let it be and keep total NC with him -- just as you said you want to own your decision. Even if he does reach out again, ignore it. If you do, any attention, even negative is attention so don't give it to him because in his hurt and disappointment he's going to translate contact as hope.

Dumpees have a difficult time letting go. They're struggling with their pain and looking for ways to soothe and unfortunately, most times they seek out what is hurting them. Your response was empathetic but firm. Hopefully he moves on -- believing you may be with someone new will likely help him close the door.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:06 PM   #22
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"Translate contact as hope": that's so true. That's why I haven't said a word in 2 months. I wasn't sure about sending a response yesterday, for the same reason, but at the same time I wanted to make sure he understood my boundaries, because his contact was really affecting me.

I totally see his attempts of contact as a way to soothe his pain. And it makes me sad to see him hurting. Not guilty, I guess, not anymore, just sad. Added to my own share of natural breakup sadness.

(so dumpees, if you want to know whether dumpers hurt, yes they do!!! Hehe... Maybe not in the same way you do, but if they're a "normal person" and you shared mutual affection, don't assume they're all fine and dandy, even if that's what it looks like... if that's of any comfort)

I'm relieved to read that you think my response was empathetic but firm.

Yeap, keeping total NC!

Thanks
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:54 PM   #23
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Depends. I wouldn't want my ex to contact me just to make herself feel better. I would notice that one pretty quick. If she wanted to reach out to make me feel better, and go out of her way to support me and express that then I would reconsider. Unless you are really willing to go out of your way for this person I would steer clear, would probably just annoy them. Sure would annoy me. My suggestion is get it together, you made a decision, this is the outcome of that decision, think twice before getting into a committed relationship with someone about the reasons you are getting into a committed relationship.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:07 PM   #24
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Ouch,

I don't think you should have written that. That was way over the top as a dumper and just so much text.

I think your being somewhat unfair. You acknowledge its feeding your ego yet you actually just fed your ego immensely by sending that long speech.

When he disappears, you post here telling us you miss him and feel bad. Then when he breaks NC, your almost disgusted by it and take the ego boost.

I personally think a very short response or none at all would have been more appropriate.

You don't respect him.

Last edited by marky00; 7th March 2018 at 10:14 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:35 PM   #25
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POINT 5. A month after the breakup, send a kind but breezy email to your ex and say that you hope he or she is doing well.

In most cases, it’s best to not get into a back-and-forth exchange, so leave it at one or two emails and then let it go. After all, it’s time to move on—remember? Most of all, don’t contact each other too soon after the breakup. Both of you will probably be flooded with mixed up feelings, and you don’t want to open the (romantic) door and confuse things. But sending an email an month or so after the breakup is a kind way to show that you haven't forgotten about your partner.
not really sure it might be ok.....for some to do this ...for others ...it might not be ok....personally ....if i break up with someone friend date lover partner whomever......depending on the break up level of feeling and emotive context involved......out of respect for them ....i do not contact them... they will contact me....if they do i answer.....always.....

if i want a person to stay in my life however .......i will contact them.....because its honest.....i want them in my life....so i reach out.....
i let them feel im there whatever the break up was about there's that reconciliation thing possible.....i let them know if you need me im here.....i show them an open door.....and then i wait .....

in this....the door was never shut by me in the first place.....the break up wasnt really wanted by me..theres that honesty behind me reaching out...that connection i have with them was never completely severed......and i try to build it again...the break up was either an unwelcome necessity....or out of integrity i needed to say bye but it was never intended to be forever....

so as i said reaching out has to be honest....you don't reach out ...unless your hand will stay put.......you shouldn't reach out to someone who is hurting,maybe missing you and say hey how are you i wish you well....and then disappear again...who is that to satisfy.....yourself or them....you reach out and contact because you want to continue contact or you ....leave them to heal ...in peace..o rif you want them in your life .....contact them directly....

there's ways to find out how people are doing without having to contact them..mutual friends family aquaintances....you can even pass a message on indirectly......care about them from a distance love them from afar not direct contact pray for them.... and let them heal.......deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 7th March 2018 at 10:50 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:57 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
so as i said reaching out has to be honest....you don't reach out ...unless your hand will stay put.......you shouldn't reach out to someone who is hurting,maybe missing you and say hey how are you i wish you well....and then disappear again...who is that to satisfy.....yourself or them....you reach out and contact because you want to continue contact or you ....leave them to heal ...in peace..or if you want them in your life .....contact them directly....
^^ Exactly this.

This also applies to dumpers responding to dumpees' moments of weakness. If you don't want them in your life, you shouldn't respond at all.

Last edited by marky00; 7th March 2018 at 11:01 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 11:08 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
^^ Exactly this.

This also applies to dumpers responding to dumpees' moments of weakness. If you don't want them in your life, you shouldn't respond at all.

mmmmmm.....sometimes......as a dumper if a guy... i had feelings for messaged me...i would respond .....i would however make it clear there was no chance....i dont leave people to drown.....in confusion and uncertainty.i give clarity and peace will follow......i would probably like i advised my daughter to do .....travel to them and be with them face to face....to help them with closure....if that is what they needed to move on...i had one guy i broke up with call me often .......i always answered gave him my time.....he said at the end of one phone conversation..... i have had my fix of deb...i feel better....i was glad to be there for him...and glad when he moved on......to another....undamaged by me....the woman he moved on with .....he rang me and asked if i would say hello to her..he wanted her to know me.......i have had this happen a fair bit...........deb...

Last edited by todreaminblue; 7th March 2018 at 11:13 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:33 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
mmmmmm.....sometimes......as a dumper if a guy... i had feelings for messaged me...i would respond.
So you agree with me. You wanted him in your life on some level. Or at least saw some type of benefit in staying connected.

Last edited by marky00; 8th March 2018 at 12:35 AM..
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Old 14th March 2018, 2:22 AM   #29
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The void is unavoidable. You had a physical bond with that person. You are going to miss them. Biologically we have reactions akin to addiction when we cut someone we are bonded with out of our life. That is one of the reasons no contact is a good method to move on after a breakup. You need the separation to get that person out of your system...literally.

I understand that urge to reach out because you want the person you left to know you care This is akin to withdrawal. If I just send this one email to let him know I care, it will all be OK...Only it won't be that person is going through the same process of getting you out of their system and you are resetting the cycle when you remind them of your existence.

Leaving someone you care about is one of the hardest things we can do. And it's painful beyond words to know that there is a high probability you are being demonized/hated by someone you once loved as they work through their pain. In the long run though, if the relationship was primarily a good one, that person will eventually realize that you will always care about them. In the meantime, you don't need to send the random message here and there to reinforce that.
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Old 14th March 2018, 8:35 AM   #30
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I wish my ex would have been clear about not wanting me never in his life but last Saturday he called me and told me that maybe in the future we could be together and that he still loves me. Him giving me hope doesn't leave me move on
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