Should I trust my intuition?

[Fayem]

Hi everyone, I've read a lot on these forums and I decided to register because I could use some opinions on my current situation. Thank you in advance

 

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 8 months, he's kind, sweet and loving. He's very thoughtful and very much in love with me it seems. Often calling me the love of his life, perfect, etc etc. However I've heard those words before and I know they're words, and therefore not always a 100% true. Or they can change fast.

 

However.. I think I want to break up.. and I feel absolutely terrible about it. But these are my reasons:

 

* There are trust issues between us, past conflicts have caused this. And personally I find it very very hard to get over this. I don't always trust what he says/means (he's lied before, about a girl). He thinks I chat with a million guys (I don't) and he thinks I want my ex back (I don't). And he's always snooping in my stuff.

 

* Something doesn't feel quite right.. I doubt my feelings for him from time to time.

 

* My feelings for my ex were a lot stronger during my previous rship, I know comparing is wrong but this is just a fact and it feeds doubts I already have.

 

*We do not have the same goals. We're both 24 and I'm looking for a job, a career, a path. Something to give my energy to and achieve something for me personally. His view on life is a lot more laidback, he wants to work part time and thinks jobs are hard/boring/rob him of his freedom. In my opinion he doesn't always have realistic views on how the world works. But I could be wrong you know.. I don't want to judge him but the fact is that this causes friction.

 

*He smokes (too much) marihuana in my opinion. He says he'll quit when I move in but I don't know.. smoking almost daily is just a bit much in my opinion. That's addiction I think.

 

*We don't have the same passions. We do love the same things like good food, making love and relaxing. But I miss certain deeper connections (opinions, our surrounding environment, culture)

 

*We fight and bicker a lot.

 

I feel bad for writing this because he really is a gentle and kind man and he does try very hard for me. These are the reasons I'm still in this rship:

 

*The intimacy is amazing, our bedlife is just beyond this world good.

 

*I love him

 

* He actively tries to better himself for me

 

* He knows a lot about me and I'm afraid he'll share my private matters in anger. (Ive seen him do this before about exes, friends, people he dislikes).

 

*He seems to me as if he would be a wonderful father.

 

I just keep thinking we might not be a good match but I'm just so torn up about it. I can't make a decision. My gut feeling is telling me it's not going to work out, no matter how much work and time I put in. BUT my gut feeling has definitely proved me wrong before. I'm a very emotional person and I can sometimes not always think straight. I've always acted very emotional in my previous relationship and it ruined the whole thing.

 

I've spoken to my counselor about this and she says that I'm too rational in this whole relationship and always considering pro's and cons whilst in my previous relationship I would go through straight fire to show that person my love. I don't know who I am anymore in this whole relationship thing.

 

I do care about him a lot and I don't want to hurt him neither waste his time..

I'm so confused.

[preraph]

Your instincts are right. What they're doing there is correlating a lot of info that sends up red flags.

 

Here's one thing I know that pertains to your situation. Guys who suspect women of cheating who aren't cheating -- are cheaters. The reason they think you're cheating is because they have a cheating mindset, which reflects their ethics. In other words, if they think they can cheat and not get caught, they will cheat, so they assume that everyone else thinks about this the same way they do and that others would also cheat if given the opportunity. This is a fundamental ethical difference in you two that shouldn't be overlooked. My father was like this, so trust me you don't want to have kids with someone and have to listen to that growing up. The first time I used his razor to shave my legs, he noticed it had been used and went off bigtime on my mom saying she had a man in the house! Just crazy!

 

 

He has a bad attitude about work and authority and responsibility. There's just no reason to stay with him long-term. Please be careful and don't get pregnant or you'll be stuck with him for life and he may end up not working or addictive or something.

 

Always listen to your instincts. They are legit and were formed for survival for the past thousands of years. Gavin de Becker, a stalking expert and security to the stars, says humans are the only mammal that will purposefully not listen to their instincts and that it's a mistake not to. You may or may not always be able to put your finger on why that alarm is going off, but it's going off for a reason, so act on that.

 

Good luck.

[marky00]

 

He has a bad attitude about work and authority and responsibility. There's just no reason to stay with him long-term. Please be careful and don't get pregnant or you'll be stuck with him for life and he may end up not working or addictive or something.

 

 

This is over the top. People can sometimes fluctuate in their work ethic. I know I have over my lifetime, where i had the odd strange year where I lost a bit of motivation (especially in my 20s). He's 24. Its not like she has been with him for years. It's been 8 months.

 

I feel like this advise is somewhat misplaced.

Edited February 28, 2018 by marky00

[SummerW]

Your post reminded me of myself when I was younger. I didn't want to hurt anyone and even ended up marrying a man that I didn't really want to marry because I didn't want to reject him. He ended up being an abuser. Our children were abused as well. We divorced, but it was a long and painful nine years. Dating isn't easy and it's risky. Either of you could get hurt, but you date so that you can see if you are right for each other. It sounds like you kinda know what you want to do...you just don't want to do it. I understand that, but not everyone is best for you, even if they are really nice and have some good qualities. I'd like to suggest something that I do when I have a tough decision to make or feel overwhelmed. I get by myself and write down all of my thoughts. It clears my mind and helps me to process. Many times as I'm writing things down, I can see exactly what needs to happen. If you decide to stay with him, maybe the two of you could talk to a counselor or minister to work through some of the issues you mentioned. You will want a healthy relationship that is upfront and honest.

[S2B]

Always trust your intuition.

[d0nnivain]

This isn't an intuition Q.

 

 

You have FACTS upon which to base your decision. You started the pros & cons list in your post / Q. Re-read them. Weigh them & make a decision.

 

 

IMO, a pot smoking guy who doesn't have meaningful goals & who has an expressed aversion to work / jobs is a poor prospect for a long term partner / potential father but that's just me,

[Fayem]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice!

 

I do think his views on work and the pot smoking can change. I try to support him as much as I can. Although he sometimes calls me "pushy and aggressive" and I can be. But I just want to light his fire. Maybe I'm doing it the wrong way? He always says I should convey things in a "sweet" way and he wants me to be very sweet. Says I can be very mean sometimes.

 

Which I think is stupid because I'm only mean if I get challenged and dared. I'm a very verbal person, if someone tries to pull me down, I will react. And what is "sweet" even? I don't understand. I should be some cookiebaking, always hugging and kissing, submissive, sweetheart (I admire people who can give that much love)? That's just not me.. it's something i've heard in another relationship too. Makes me feel as if there's something wrong with me?

 

About the cheating.. I don't think he would physically cheat ever. He's too lazy to move his ass to another women. He's always asking me to stay over and stay with him. He does however seem to look for attention in other places when I'm not giving it (not on purpose). I think he's a lot smarter than he lets off.

 

Sometimes I just think he's so insecure. He's insecure about himself, he thinks I'll leave him by the second. I would never but he's pushing me away and I have tried talking about this. This is also a reason I doubt our relationship. Maybe I'm not meeting his needs? He needs a girl to be completely at his feet?

[Whodatdog]

I may get flack for this, but dont count on his views on pot and working to change. Ive never known anyone to stop smoking pot, because they dont WANT to. People dont consider pot a drug, but it is. Deal breaker for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are incompatible on some very significant issues.

 

I would not continue this relationship. You should stay with someone because you love and respect who they are now, not who they might become in the future. That future potential may or may not actually materialize, and then what?

 

Don't hedge your bets on a hypothetical version of him.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice!

 

I do think his views on work and the pot smoking can change. I try to support him as much as I can. Although he sometimes calls me "pushy and aggressive" and I can be. But I just want to light his fire. Maybe I'm doing it the wrong way? He always says I should convey things in a "sweet" way and he wants me to be very sweet. Says I can be very mean sometimes.

 

Which I think is stupid because I'm only mean if I get challenged and dared. I'm a very verbal person, if someone tries to pull me down, I will react. And what is "sweet" even? I don't understand. I should be some cookiebaking, always hugging and kissing, submissive, sweetheart (I admire people who can give that much love)? That's just not me.. it's something i've heard in another relationship too. Makes me feel as if there's something wrong with me?

 

About the cheating.. I don't think he would physically cheat ever. He's too lazy to move his ass to another women. He's always asking me to stay over and stay with him. He does however seem to look for attention in other places when I'm not giving it (not on purpose). I think he's a lot smarter than he lets off.

 

Sometimes I just think he's so insecure. He's insecure about himself, he thinks I'll leave him by the second. I would never but he's pushing me away and I have tried talking about this. This is also a reason I doubt our relationship. Maybe I'm not meeting his needs? He needs a girl to be completely at his feet?

 

Are you kidding? You come on here asking us whether you should trust your intuition about this guy meaning you know something is wrong. When we all tell you that yes, this is a not a great guy to date you 1). defend him 2). conclude that you can change him and 3). decide you are going to meet his needs by being "sweeter" and "completely at his feet." If that is your strategy to hold on to this man, it sounds like you are so desperate for a relationship that you will put up with almost anything not to be alone. I fear you are in for a rough ride.

 

I'm all for diplomacy & getting your point across without being mean but I think you are bending yourself into a pretzel here & I have to ask why.

[Mr.Me]

I'd say he has ALMOST all the traits your looking for but a few are missing. The missing ones seems to be pretty big in your eyes. No one you'll ever meet will be a perfect match in every way but a choice is made to accept the the traits that aren't perfect and love them anyway. I suspect the missing ones here are too much however. Breaking up will be tough, but might be something you just have to do in order to be free enough and open enough for the right guy.

[preraph]

Are you kidding? You come on here asking us whether you should trust your intuition about this guy meaning you know something is wrong. When we all tell you that yes, this is a not a great guy to date you 1). defend him 2). conclude that you can change him and 3). decide you are going to meet his needs by being "sweeter" and "completely at his feet." If that is your strategy to hold on to this man, it sounds like you are so desperate for a relationship that you will put up with almost anything not to be alone. I fear you are in for a rough ride.

 

I'm all for diplomacy & getting your point across without being mean but I think you are bending yourself into a pretzel here & I have to ask why.

 

I completely agree! I'm glad I'm not the only one who found this shocking, if not nauseating, that you think it's okay for him to be the slacker in the relationship but still allow him to tell you to be sweet and be critical of you for taking a position on something. There are so many red flags here.

 

You will not change him -- but he's well on his way to trying to change you so that you will tolerate every bad thing about him.

[marky00]

Interesting how it's female posters ripping into the OP's boyfriend.

 

Your talking about this guy like he is a criminal or something. what about his side of the story? there is always 2 sides.

 

The guy is 24 and smokes pot and chooses to work part-time. And based on this, your suggesting he's going to be worthless/unemployed/unmotivated for life?

 

OP, you could try telling him that the pot and lack of drive is bothering you and make it clear it's almost becoming a deal breaker (for you). But just talk in a normal tone rather than in anger etc. People are more likely to listen and take things in if its delivered in a normal tone of voice. If he still doesn't listen, then you can honestly say you tried.

[d0nnivain]

Interesting how it's female posters ripping into the OP's boyfriend.

 

Your talking about this guy like he is a criminal or something. what about his side of the story? there is always 2 sides.

 

The guy is 24 and smokes pot and chooses to work part-time. And based on this, your suggesting he's going to be worthless/unemployed/unmotivated for life?

 

OP, you could try telling him that the pot and lack of drive is bothering you and make it clear it's almost becoming a deal breaker (for you). But just talk in a normal tone rather than in anger etc. People are more likely to listen and take things in if its delivered in a normal tone of voice. If he still doesn't listen, then you can honestly say you tried.

 

Depending on where he lives pot smoking is a CRIME so yeah, I'm treating him like a criminal. Even in states where it's legal, it's still against federal law.

 

The pot smoking & the failure to have a real job are only part of the OP's problem. She said they have different values; she's uncertain of her love for him / their connection; and they have trust issues. When she has complained in the past he accuses her of being a bad GF, that somehow if she was sweeter, he'd be a better man. BS.

 

She knows that something about her relationship is off but despite the laundry list of problems, she is uncertain about breaking up then she defends him. Something doesn't add up.

[marky00]

Depending on where he lives pot smoking is a CRIME so yeah, I'm treating him like a criminal. Even in states where it's legal, it's still against federal law.

 

The pot smoking & the failure to have a real job are only part of the OP's problem. She said they have different values; she's uncertain of her love for him / their connection; and they have trust issues. When she has complained in the past he accuses her of being a bad GF, that somehow if she was sweeter, he'd be a better man. BS.

 

She knows that something about her relationship is off but despite the laundry list of problems, she is uncertain about breaking up then she defends him. Something doesn't add up.

 

Actually, I don't think the BF called her a bad GF. I think he's just one of those types who doesn't respond well to confrontation/directness. That is a shortcoming on his part but doesn't necessarily mean he was suggesting she's a bad girlfriend.

 

And yes, she has quite a long list. But her post is about intuition (based on the title). Intuition is about sub-conscious or deep feeling that you can't really explain in words.

 

Yet here we are, focusing on his pot smoking and lack of worth ethic which are indeed very easy to put into words.

[basil67]

This isn't about intuition. This is about you having a substantial list of incompatibilities. This stuff is real - far more than a fuzzy feeling in your gut.

[Fayem]

I'm not desperate I think that's a bit strong. I'm also not afraid to be alone, I've been single in the past and I'm okay with it.

 

The reason I'm still holding on is because I made the mistake in the past of giving up on someone because I got frustrated with certain "qualities". And I shouldn't have given up so easily.

 

This guy with all his flaws is not a bad person. Yes sometimes he asks me to be sweeter and it annoys the hell out of me.

 

I don't want to defend him neither tear him down. I do love him and I don't want to handle this lightly. I have a list of things that do bother me and makes me think we're incompatible. I am far from perfect and he always chooses to work through our issues even when I feel like blowing it all up.

 

I came on here because I just don't know if these doubts are something I can overcome or if it's something I should act on. I was wondering if anyone had like this moment where they knew for sure: Yes I will do everything to make it work / It's been enough I can't go on.

 

To me our biggest issue is the broken trust, it comes up every few weeks. Where either one of us brings up some past issue (which caused us to be distrustful). And we fight. During or after those fights I often think: see, we can't overcome our issues and then I start thinking about other things that bother me about him/ our relationship.

 

But I do love him

[ExpatInItaly]

To me our biggest issue is the broken trust, it comes up every few weeks. Where either one of us brings up some past issue (which caused us to be distrustful). And we fight. During or after those fights I often think: see, we can't overcome our issues and then I start thinking about other things that bother me about him/ our relationship.

 

 

And what exactly happened to break the trust?

[d0nnivain]

Your list of grievances I quite long. Moreover, IMO, the lack of trust is huge. Without trust you don't have a healthy relationship. If this comes up repeatedly -- every few weeks as you say -- it's an indication that you two are on a dysfunctional merry go round. When you fight about the same stuff over & over but it never gets resolved, that is a huge reason to give up.