Contact after 20 years.

[Bromeo]

Morning community.

 

I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’m sure the veteran members remember my poor performance during my breakup roughy 18 months ago. Since then my life has improved immeasurably, and I have grown much stronger emotionally.

 

To wit, very recently I had the opportunity to catch up with my ex of almost 20 years prior. My very first love, I met her while waiting tables at the Olive Garden in my small town.

 

Circa 1998 -

 

Long story short, her family was strict, Mormon, and terrible. After a fight one night, she ended up sleeping with my best friend, we broke up, she took a plane to an arranged marriage in Utah on the promise of a BYU education and money for a startup.

 

I begged, pleaded, offered to marry, anything to bring her back. Sound familiar?

 

I received an email a short time later telling me how happy she was to be pregnant. At the time, that hurt like hell, as she had been reticent with those seemingly unimportant details.

 

Circa 2008 -

 

She comes back to our small town, reconnects with me, and (after kissing slightly) offers to leave her husband and 4 kids if I will run away with her. I declined. She disappeared. Again messed with my head.

 

Circa 2018 -

 

Fast forward to recently, we had a lovely time catching up. I thought things ended there, with no pressure or concerns.

 

I received a subsequent message a short time later stating that although we couldn’t be friends on social media, we could message privately if I so chose.

 

Right.

 

The current, much stronger me informed her in summary that after 20 years of her playing games with me (see above), I would respectfully decline skulking around behind her husbands back. And, if she had wanted things to be different between us in all that time, they would have been.

 

A string of backpedaling messages ensued, clearly she was worried I’d contact her husband. I have no plans to.

 

I am a bit conflicted over the need to dredge up 20 years of history, but after hearing how she thought I didn’t care, and how she called her feelings for me an “unhealthy attachment”, I felt compelled to champion myself for once.

 

It should be noted that I composed myself with class and respect. Only slightly beta.

 

Life is crazy. I know to let things, people, and places come and go, and I’ve been practicing that with success. Nowadays life is stable and peaceful.

 

I also know when things are confusing, especially with women, it isn’t right. She began to twist the story, I felt very confident in responding.

 

Then I walked away from the conversation, self-respect intact.

 

I don’t feel particularly bad for bringing up the past, as I really only did so because I felt her trying to string me along yet again. I do feel like that part of my life is at peace, as I never had a chance to tell her how badly she hurt me, even after all this time.

 

I do feel a twinge of something for disrupting her life, though that is slight.

 

Life is crazy, eh? These people truly have no idea how they hurt others.

 

Nowadays I try and be laser focused about who I spend my time with.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Bromeo

[d0nnivain]

I don't see beta. I see a guy who finally drew some boundaries. You were absolutely right not to be the guy she cheated on her husband with of the guy she ran away with.

[BC1980]

Sometimes these old flames from years ago pop up, and it's temping to take a ride down memory lane. It's kind of nostalgic and reminds you of younger times. I agree with you for drawing a boundary and cutting it off. The past needs to stay in the past. You also don't want to mess with a married person. That could bring all kinds of drama. I had an old flame pop up after 10 years, and I quickly put the lid on it. I was tempted for about 15 minutes and then thought better of it. He was married and looking for an AP. Talking to him reminded me of old times, but that stuff needs to stay in the past.

[Bromeo]

Thanks for the thoughts, and I completely agree.

 

A couple of follow up messages occurred, with me attempting to end the conversation, and her telling me “I LOVED YOU FIERCELY!!”.

 

She gave me some interesting historical data points that I was previously unaware of.

 

I simply reminded her that I had made something out of myself, just like I told her 20 years ago that I would, her family looked beautiful, and she would have made me a pretty wife. I apologized for any disturbance I caused her, but I needed to get the previous messages off my chest after all this time.

 

Then I said goodbye. And I left it at that.

 

After all this time, and the growth I’ve worked hard for lately, 20 years later I still see her being insecure, though I’m not sure why. It wasn’t attractive. Perhaps I’m more sensitized to that behavior lately.

 

I don’t feel the same coldness towards her like I have for the ex that brought me to LS - it’s more like very old memories bubble up, but there is no emotion attached to them. Which is odd, considering how in love with her I was at the time. There is an odd feeling of peace with that part of my brain that thinks about her now.

 

The other ex? May she live a life full of traffic, nickelback, and dudebros.

 

Thanks for listening.