I really need to understand

[pillsburybaby]

Hi,

 

I broke off with girlfriend around January this year. We had a 2 and a half year relationship. We met in school, weren't exactly friends, she was even bullied by friends, but reconnected 5 years after graduation, she liked me since high school and I knew this, and I kind of liked her too, just didn't know at the time. I fell in love with her in no time, and she did the same with me, I was devoted to her, because she's had a hard past, and made it my mission to make her smile every day. Even broke the links with my friends who bullied her, she came first always.

 

Well, the relationship was great, however, we were always moving places, when we met she was moving for an internship in NY, and I studied in the UK my UG. So in the first 8 months it was a long-distance relationship that worked really good. On June 2016, we finally started living in the same city in our country of origin, we were very happy, we had a lot of fun, but there were some problems as well, such as a co-worker who constantly flirted with me and made my gf feel anxious, I didn't notice, and it was such a small office (4 ppl) I just couldn't avoid having contact with that person, sadly. We worked that out, continued our relationship, however, we weren't intimate for around a year, she felt insecure of her body and I waited and worker with her on that, we later rekindled that part of our relationship with no problem.

 

We only had around 8 months more living in the same city, in the beginning of 2017 she had an offer to move to Mexico, she took it of course, and I totally supported her, I was leaving on September to the UK again for my masters. So another long-distance time for us. But I visited constantly during the summer months, even quit my job a month early to spend it with her before moving to London. With her in Mexico and me in London, we had again the long-distance thing again, we were working hard on our relationship, but she began a new job which required more time and I was focused on my study, we still had movie nights, facetime, we talked all the way from her home to her job (I would go out from the library to do this). In November, she moved to a new place, where she made some new friends, female, but who I never trusted at all, that's when she began to change and become more distant, even though I was trying to close off that gap. She even began to go out without telling me, which hurts as I was never the possessive "you can't go out", all I wanted to know was where she was and when she was home safe (she lives in Mexico...so it's a legitimate thing).

 

In December, during the holidays, I spent christmas at home and planned to spend NYE with her in Mexico, which I did. However, as she was behaving so weirdly, I asked her by chat if she wanted to end up things, if she was thinking to break of with me, which she said no, it's only that she had a lot of work and that kind of stuff. So, I travelled to Mexico, on the 27th of December, we even had a mini-Christmas, I gave her some presents I bought, and she broke of with me just after I finished doing that. We talked, and somehow, promised to work things out together, we had a lovely week after that and had a lovely but cold NYE.

 

After that week things went south, I was kind of grumpy because all she did in NYE was toasting, while I told her all I my feelings (sober), she began to work again, I was finishing some essays while in Mexico. We felt very distant and cold, she received the news of a close friend dying abroad, I received the news of my little cousin being diagnosed with an illness, we went sour, so in a moment we discussed the things and called for a time off, I was calm because I thought we were coming back. She was heartbroken, and crying but of course I held her close and told her we would eventually be together.

 

Well, I went back to London and she stayed in Mexico, in the beginning we talked often, we were very friendly, it was like the normal thing. I thought we were going to be back together in no time, and follow the plans of me marrying her (for visa purposes) after my graduation and move to Mexico with her and our lovely dog. But this didn't happen, as time went by, and I started to feel more unsure and insecure. She told she had a lot of things to work on, like her fears of commitment (bc of her parents), I told her I would wait for her, however, I didn't act correctly because I was always asking a lot of questions and kind of pressuring her to give me answers (I have some self-esteem, anxiety problems and do a lot of overthinking), the lack of answers ignited this.

 

Whenever I asked her, she said she didn't know what she wanted. Until one day I had to figure it out by myself. I saw her instagram activity and she was flirting with likes with a guy she had been with before me, I called her, crying and lost it, it was then when she was forced to tell me she wanted to break up for good. Since that day (night here) I've been devastated, and we have tried to cut off ties but remain talking, I felt I have begged for love (wrote her really beautiful things, made playlists) and of course it didn't help at all. I thought I was fighting when I was actually begging.

 

She has told me that she loves me, that she wishes to end up with me, that she believes that I am the end of her red thread. But she does not want for me to wait for her at this time, that she's feeling calm and living life, however, she has always been depressive, insecure and I feel fear of commitment has nothing to do with me but on how she feels about her. Everybody tells me she is just making up excuses because she doesn't love me but cares for me, but I truly believe she loves me. She told me not to wait for her, but that she couldn't force me not to do it. I told her I will because she is truly the love of my life, and that I understand her, and sometimes it takes this to figure things out. We decided less than a week ago to stop talking at all (however I've been leaving posts about her and our relationship, and she likes them). But we haven't had full p2p contact. This was her last tweet (send yesterday about me): "The only thing I wish you is that you be absolutely happy in everything. Never let anything bad happen to you. Because you deserve every good thing, because you have the most beautiful heart I have ever known."

 

I have decided not to contact her anymore, not even a tweet about her. I've started to travel a lot this time as I love that, I'm jogging, will start going to the gym and begin yoga, and focus on my study (I now have no idea where I want to go when I graduate). I do want to wait for her, but not like in a depressive way, but I'm really confused as what she actually wants (she hasn't been courageous enough to speak clearly), however what she tells me is that she is in a deep I-Don't-Know phase, and as far as I know she hasn't been with anybody. I really want her back, I see myself with her building a beautiful future. But don't want to beg or pressure her, as this is the worst strategy.

 

I just don't know, should I hold on some hope? give up entirely? what is truly passing through her mind? Is she playing with me? Is she actually confused?

 

As a naturally anxious person I would love for you to help me cope or understand, sorry for the long post. Please feel free to ask whatever you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry, OP. I can see that you are very hurt.

 

I think you need to continue with full No Contact, including any and all social media activity. She was pulling out of the relationship before she actually ended it, and didn't really know how to tell you.

 

All that is going through her mind is that she lost interest. She cares about you but she wants her freedom. I know it hurts, but I think you need to let her go.

[pillsburybaby]

Do you think she has given up for good?

 

It's kind of weird as she still checks my instagram and twitter (she told me she used alternate accounts as I blocked her). So I don't know if that still means she is interested. Anyway both my accounts are public (I haven't added her back to IG her account is private). But it seems we still have a lot of interest in each other.

 

I will continue my NC, but don't you think it might be she was scared by commitment, she is not used for someone willing to wait for her, she has some familiar and romantic relationships that destroyed her. Or might she wants to be alone at this "IDK phase". She always tell she will keep working on her issues and fears because she believes I am the love of her life too, and not wanting to see me waiting is because she doesn't know how much time will actually will take her.

 

It's super confusing, yet, thanks for your help.

[HumanMachine]

She monkey branched with the other guy - I’d put money on her cheating. Make your social media private so she can’t stalk you on throwaway accounts. You’re young and travelling.. embrace it man..

[pillsburybaby]

She monkey branched with the other guy - I’d put money on her cheating. Make your social media private so she can’t stalk you on throwaway accounts. You’re young and travelling.. embrace it man..

 

Thanks HumanMachine, but I am sure she didn't. Perhaps she is with someone after the break, but I'm certain she wasn't during our time together.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she is scared of commitment, no.

 

A lot of dumpees tell themselves this because it's easier than facing the truth, which is that their exes lost interest in the relationship and perhaps have their eye on someone else.

 

She is paying you lip service telling you that you're the love of her life. We women don't break up with the loves of their lives and risk losing them, OP. I can just about guarantee you that her "I don't know what I want"-phase is really "I don't know if this other guy wants me"-phase.

 

This isn't how a woman in love behaves, in any case. I know it's very painful but you need to disconnect from her completely.

[pillsburybaby]

I don't think she is scared of commitment, no.

 

A lot of dumpees tell themselves this because it's easier than facing the truth, which is that their exes lost interest in the relationship and perhaps have their eye on someone else.

 

She is paying you lip service telling you that you're the love of her life. We women don't break up with the loves of their lives and risk losing them, OP. I can just about guarantee you that her "I don't know what I want"-phase is really "I don't know if this other guy wants me"-phase.

 

This isn't how a woman in love behaves, in any case. I know it's very painful but you need to disconnect from her completely.

 

So, you believe there's a third wheel in the picture?

[ExpatInItaly]

So, you believe there's a third wheel in the picture?

 

I can't say for sure, but it's entirely possible.

[Goodguy05]

yes theres definatley a third wheel involved. it's the same as my ex. eventually I traced back her photos on fb and put 2 and 2 together. it was another guy. the other poster is right when she says a woman in love does not behave like that if she is in love wth u. we just don't want to face the reality or are ready to face the truth they lost interest. don't go beating yourself either. it's never just one person's fault or responsibility for these things. something wasn't fulfilling her little selfish needs and this dude walks in. not all is lost ahe will learn the hard way that others can't fill that void that has to come from within. you can't have someone supplement you but rather come from a place of compliment you. these woman are never fulfilled they don't know what there even looking for nor mature enough to work on the relationship they are in.

[BluesPower]

Thanks HumanMachine, but I am sure she didn't. Perhaps she is with someone after the break, but I'm certain she wasn't during our time together.

 

Brother, please... don't think like this.

 

Girls her age do this all the time and they hate pulling the plug and being the bad guy.

 

Yes she cheated, she found another guy, and yes she monkey branched to him without officially breaking up with you.

 

And look, it happens to everyone and it probably will happen to you again, it is kind of a fact of life. It is not cool, but it happens...

[pillsburybaby]

Brother, please... don't think like this.

 

Girls her age do this all the time and they hate pulling the plug and being the bad guy.

 

Yes she cheated, she found another guy, and yes she monkey branched to him without officially breaking up with you.

 

And look, it happens to everyone and it probably will happen to you again, it is kind of a fact of life. It is not cool, but it happens...

 

Well, we're both 26 years old, I don't think that's a girl too young to act that way, you're making me dubious now....

[rachelangelo]

Wow, this sounds like a difficult situation. You really do seem to love and care for her. I understand wanting to wait for someone that you love, but she doesn't seem to know what she wants. That puts you a difficult situation because you're waiting for someone who may never know what she wants. It doesn't seem fair to you. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but waiting for someone who seems to be stringing you along (even if it's not completely intentional) doesn't seem healthy. You deserve to be loved fully by someone in return.

[pillsburybaby]

Wow, this sounds like a difficult situation. You really do seem to love and care for her. I understand wanting to wait for someone that you love, but she doesn't seem to know what she wants. That puts you a difficult situation because you're waiting for someone who may never know what she wants. It doesn't seem fair to you. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but waiting for someone who seems to be stringing you along (even if it's not completely intentional) doesn't seem healthy. You deserve to be loved fully by someone in return.

 

Rachel,

 

Thank you for this, it was really helpful. It has made me think that sometimes people prefer to protect themselves by victimizing because of their inability to love fully or that their past hinders their capacity for commitment. She is not willing to love, to commit, but also she feels safer not doing that. It is really hard, because, although she told me she would work on that all she has done so far is complain that she always ends up pushing away. I have discovered that love is not wishing their "loved" one someone better, but to work every day to work in the relationship and in oneself to become that better person you think they deserve.