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My story . . . I'm struggling


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 26th February 2018, 3:10 PM   #1
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My story . . . I'm struggling

I joined this forum a while ago and posted once. I just assumed (naively) that I'd feel better by now. But I don't feel better, and it's hard to appreciate any progress I've made.

My ex of 5 years broke up with me last October. We broke up multiple times (sometimes me ending it, sometimes her) but always got back together, and the intense feelings when we did get back together made it feel worthwhile at the time. However this time it's been over 4 months. I've tried on 3 separate occasions, lasting about a month of NC each time, to reach out and get back together but emotionally I can see that she's completely gone.

The last time we spoke, she said that it has been a while since we broke up, that she's over the relationship and that she's happier now. I understand that this happens to most people, and I have had a serious relationship before this one that ended, but I have never felt so upset over anything in my life. I feel like I've had a sheltered upbringing to be this upset at nearly 5 months after the break up.

The thing that is really frustrating me, is that she's on my mind all day. I can't stop checking social media or my phone in the hope that she will come back. I know she's not coming back, and on days like today I feel like I just can't take it. I can't stop thinking of things I may have done wrong or ways that I could have been better for us to be happy, and I can't forgive myself for giving in to my emotions and getting into silly arguments that don't mean a thing.

So the reason I am posting now, tonight, is because it's been 4 weeks since we last spoke, which is about the time that I really start to crumble and want to contact her. I know how it will go if I reach out, I know the answer I will get and the pain that follows, but I can't get rid of the urge. I have been off alcohol since the new year and hitting the gym, reading, going out with friends, even on a couple of dates, so I know in my heart that I'm doing everything I should be doing to get over this, but it's so frustrating that I feel so in love with her when she's moved on. I'm scared of starting to go out to bars again with my friends because I might see her and I know how much I'm not ready to do that, and I don't feel like I'll ever be ready. It scares me that I'll never get over her.

I know deep down that in more time I'll be okay, and that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll be a stronger person, it's just a really really sh*t feeling for the time being. Reading people's stories on here that have got through to the other side and are happier is really encouraging, and I can't wait for the day that I feel like that. Thanks for reading my story.
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Old 26th February 2018, 3:24 PM   #2
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Hey man,
I kind of understand what you're going through. My break up was in October too and she's moved on and has been dating someone else since the new year.
This week, I've felt like you have: wondering where the progress is, beating myself up over things i did or didn't do.

What helps me is i recall how i am now to how i was when the break up was fresh. Back then, i thought life was over, the person I'd shared years of my life with and had planned to share more many years with had simply packed up and left. I was a complete mess. I'm not sure how you were but i would like to think you are in a better position now than you were in October.

I was only with her for 2 years but we were best mates for 3 years prior to dating too so it was a pretty hard pill to swallow. Yours was 5 years. It will definitely take more than a few months. I guess it's good to remember that progress won't be linear. Yes there will be some days where you feel normal and aren't missing her as much but on others, there'll be nothing more you want than to see her. For me its hardest when i dream about her the previous night, it completely throws me off the following day.

Just remember to not beat yourself up over why you're not progressing as much. The fact of the matter is that you are progressing and that's what's important.
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Old 26th February 2018, 3:31 PM   #3
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That's crazy that you mentioned about dreaming, because I had a dream about her last night and I think that's why I've felt so low today.

You're right, I know that I'm a better person today than I was after the break up. Back then, everything was a mess and I couldn't function. Now, I can get through the day and keep everything to myself, and then when I get home I can feel sad. I know that if we were still together I wouldn't be working this hard to be a better person as well, so in a way I know that this is a blessing in disguise because I don't like who I was towards the end of my relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Is there anything in particular that you find keeps your mind off things? For me I've just started to accept that thoughts will come and go throughout the day, and I meditate in the mornings to practice not reacting to thoughts that pop up.
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Old 26th February 2018, 3:38 PM   #4
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That's crazy that you mentioned about dreaming, because I had a dream about her last night and I think that's why I've felt so low today.

You're right, I know that I'm a better person today than I was after the break up. Back then, everything was a mess and I couldn't function. Now, I can get through the day and keep everything to myself, and then when I get home I can feel sad. I know that if we were still together I wouldn't be working this hard to be a better person as well, so in a way I know that this is a blessing in disguise because I don't like who I was towards the end of my relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Is there anything in particular that you find keeps your mind off things? For me I've just started to accept that thoughts will come and go throughout the day, and I meditate in the mornings to practice not reacting to thoughts that pop up.
Yeah the dreams do suck. I hadn't had any for about a month and then had a couple this week. Its bound to affect you the next day, especially if it was a dream where you got back together. I remember around Christmas, i had such a vivid dream that we got back together, texted her the next morning and it was a disaster haha.

It sounds cliche but post break up is one of the best opportunities for you to learn about yourself and decide what kind of person you want to become.

Staying busy does help but like you said, when you're home and alone it gets tough. I try to occupy most of that time by just studying or reading to keep my mind off her. When she does come into mind, I don't try and fight it. I just tell myself that it's like an old childhood friend coming to mind so as to not put too much emotional value on it if that makes sense?
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Old 26th February 2018, 3:50 PM   #5
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Yeah the dreams do suck. I hadn't had any for about a month and then had a couple this week. Its bound to affect you the next day, especially if it was a dream where you got back together. I remember around Christmas, i had such a vivid dream that we got back together, texted her the next morning and it was a disaster haha.

It sounds cliche but post break up is one of the best opportunities for you to learn about yourself and decide what kind of person you want to become.

Staying busy does help but like you said, when you're home and alone it gets tough. I try to occupy most of that time by just studying or reading to keep my mind off her. When she does come into mind, I don't try and fight it. I just tell myself that it's like an old childhood friend coming to mind so as to not put too much emotional value on it if that makes sense?
I find that clichés are cliché for a reason though - when enough people have experienced the same thing it just becomes obvious. You're completely right, I've learnt more about myself in the last couple of months than ever before, and I can see how stupid I was being when I thought an argument was important to win. A good quote I think of when I keep dwelling on our relationship is "forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past". The only way to change your past is to live well right now, because right now will soon become your past.

I can listen to your story, feel tremendous empathy, but also know that you will be okay. However, I then think of my own situation, and sort of know that I'll be okay but not truly believe it. It's crazy! The urge to contact her has definitely died down after posting and reading on here though, it's a great distraction when feeling overwhelmed.

As for when you contacted her and said it was a disaster . . . I feel for you man. The excitement of sending the text, the hope that things might actual work, and then reality comes crashing down and you're in a worse situation. I can't believe I've done it 3 separate times. Really need to stop myself from making it a 4th attempt
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Old 26th February 2018, 4:25 PM   #6
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I find that clichés are cliché for a reason though - when enough people have experienced the same thing it just becomes obvious. You're completely right, I've learnt more about myself in the last couple of months than ever before, and I can see how stupid I was being when I thought an argument was important to win. A good quote I think of when I keep dwelling on our relationship is "forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past". The only way to change your past is to live well right now, because right now will soon become your past.

I can listen to your story, feel tremendous empathy, but also know that you will be okay. However, I then think of my own situation, and sort of know that I'll be okay but not truly believe it. It's crazy! The urge to contact her has definitely died down after posting and reading on here though, it's a great distraction when feeling overwhelmed.

As for when you contacted her and said it was a disaster . . . I feel for you man. The excitement of sending the text, the hope that things might actual work, and then reality comes crashing down and you're in a worse situation. I can't believe I've done it 3 separate times. Really need to stop myself from making it a 4th attempt
Yeah you're right. Dwelling on the past won't help. Sure you can try and figure out what you could've done better but the only way to improve yourself is to change right now. You'll be a better person and a better partner as a result of it.


Yeah mate, you and i both know how it's gonna go if you contact her again. Everytime i get the urge to contact her, i tell myself she knows where i stand, she knows that i have been open to working things out and If we're to get back together its on her now. You've made 3 attempts already, she knows you want to reconcile. A 4th won't change anything except push her away further.

I know I'll be okay and I'm sure you will be too, it will just take a lot of time. I know back around Christmas, she said she would like to be friends at some point but i pretty much said i would leave that to her to initiate and have stuck to my word. Since finding out about her new man, the urge to message her is surprisingly a lot less. I care about her enough to leave her be if she's happy. I guess if your ex is saying she's happier now, take her at her word. With time, she might realise she isn't and comes back but by then you may be a completely different and better person
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Old 26th February 2018, 5:32 PM   #7
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Yeah you're right. Dwelling on the past won't help. Sure you can try and figure out what you could've done better but the only way to improve yourself is to change right now. You'll be a better person and a better partner as a result of it.


Yeah mate, you and i both know how it's gonna go if you contact her again. Everytime i get the urge to contact her, i tell myself she knows where i stand, she knows that i have been open to working things out and If we're to get back together its on her now. You've made 3 attempts already, she knows you want to reconcile. A 4th won't change anything except push her away further.

I know I'll be okay and I'm sure you will be too, it will just take a lot of time. I know back around Christmas, she said she would like to be friends at some point but i pretty much said i would leave that to her to initiate and have stuck to my word. Since finding out about her new man, the urge to message her is surprisingly a lot less. I care about her enough to leave her be if she's happy. I guess if your ex is saying she's happier now, take her at her word. With time, she might realise she isn't and comes back but by then you may be a completely different and better person

That's a good way to think of it actually, she knows exactly how I feel and anymore contact from me would push her away further if that's even possible anymore. I feel like she is dating someone new but I don't know for certain yet. maybe once I see something online or see her out I will want to contact her less. I hope so.

Yeah I guess time will tell, and I genuinely hope that I am a different person who doesn't want to go back because I never want to feel like this again. Yeah, I may experience a bad break up again with someone new, but at least it will be new. If I end up in this situation with the same person again I have no one to blame but myself.
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Old 26th February 2018, 5:40 PM   #8
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I can't describe how this echoes to me so much, I put my money on Zoolanders* reply.

My breakup was in Sept, officially in Oct, a mess too, and we can sit and write a million pages on what a mess we were, but one thing is for sure, we are definitely better today than a few Months ago. That's what time brings.

I was blocked before I even knew what NC meant so I don't understand the urge because I can't really write her but I still reminisce how it could have been, I still see her face in every girl, even saw her last week and I can't stop thinking.

I let the emotions come when they come, it's true you really get lonely when you're all alone at home.

But with time by our sides, continue striving for the little achievements everyday, and soon it will be only a fond memory
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Old 26th February 2018, 5:45 PM   #9
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That's a good way to think of it actually, she knows exactly how I feel and anymore contact from me would push her away further if that's even possible anymore. I feel like she is dating someone new but I don't know for certain yet. maybe once I see something online or see her out I will want to contact her less. I hope so.

Yeah I guess time will tell, and I genuinely hope that I am a different person who doesn't want to go back because I never want to feel like this again. Yeah, I may experience a bad break up again with someone new, but at least it will be new. If I end up in this situation with the same person again I have no one to blame but myself.
Yeah next time you'll also know you've gotten over someone in the past snd you can do it again. It's pretty strange but that first tough break up seems to be a big learning experience for many people.

This forum does help a lot. Its reassuring to know youre not going crazy or anything with how you feel.
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:20 PM   #10
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a spirit/soul/body relationship. You are experiencing the negative feelings that come from a divorce or separation because this special relationship has been damaged and your spirit/soul and body are impacted. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? Peace, wisdom and encouragement is what is best for you. I'll stand with you that you will discover these things that can create a bright future for you and hopefully your wife too.
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