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I think I ate a breadcrumb


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th February 2018, 12:43 AM   #46
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Vent away Jack.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:49 AM   #47
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What you are going through here is what the 180 is supposed to help with.
Thank you. I just found it. I'll read it.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:24 AM   #48
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:26 AM   #49
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:16 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by SevenCity View Post
I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.
Yeah . . . frustrating to say the least.

The notion that she thinks she's done nothing wrong drives me crazy. I can't change it, but it does. Don't feel obligated to read it if you haven't already, but how it all went down originally is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...-try-blindside

I was talking to a friend of hers a while back, and he said, "She knows she ****** up." She ought to. But she is not the kind of person given to too much self-criticism. If she thinks she messed up, it's not the same way I do, I'm sure.

I agree with you on the idea of going to the place and not engaging past "what's up" and it would be nice if I had a date with me (for reasons not worth going into here, the other girl I was interested in looks unlikely), but that is not in the cards at the moment.

The thing with this particular ex is she is extremely extroverted and impulsive. I can easily see her pursuing a conversation, now that we have had a peaceful exchange. The woman has boundary issues.

I don't feel like having to explain anything to her. because I don't want her to know much about my feelings, but who knows I may have to.

She's left me alone since that text exchange . . . and for the most part I have to admit she has left me alone in general, except for a handful of these breadcrumbs, each of which increased in intensity until she drew a response.

If I can pull off the mental switch that Been suggested -- really seeing her for what her actions have demonstrated her to be, rather than seeing my idealized images of her (which unfortunately hangs on because of the fact that I don't have any bad memories of our time together when we were together) -- then this will get a LOT easier.

This is one of the reasons getting feedback on here is so helpful. I really do want people to look at the story and try to sympathize with her position, so I can check my own head and make sure I am not crazy to think the way she went about things was not quite right.

I also think you are right to some extent about her not being at that bar by accident. But it's hard to say. I realized something about her last night. She is a very, very smart woman, but she doesn't run very deep, if that makes any sense.

She goes there with her boyfriend sometimes, which indicates to me she doesn't care one way or another if I am there. On the other hand, I do think she wouldn't mind running into me sometime when he's not around and having a conversation.

She won't suggest getting together in a text. Because she knows that's pushing it with her obligations to her bf. But she would "accidentally" run into me and engage, enough to get some more validation.

She won't change. So it is on me to keep on working, and to have a plan to keep any engagement from going anywhere.

This is all helping. So thanks a lot.

Last edited by jackofmany; 28th February 2018 at 12:23 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #51
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She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes.
I agree with this. I think this is her mentality right now.

No more nice responses from you or even trying to act decent if you bump into her.

All you need to do is act civil (so you don't look like a douche) but nothing more than that.

This is why No Contact works so well. They get zero validation and have no idea if your sad, angry, hate them or over them. That retards their healing and levels the playing field.

I think ideally you need to have one more engagement with her but next time act far more aloof, almost like she doesn't exist once the civilities have taken place.

You will feel a lot better moving on once you have handled yourself the way you know you need to. After my Ex dumped me, I only started feeling better when I started ignoring her messages. Bur rather than just ignore, one time after 6 months of breadcrumbs i asked "you have been messaging me many times, what is it you want to say?". She of course didn't respond but then proceeded to breadcrumb me very hard for another 6 months and I never responded to any of them.

My point being, the one time I spoke up, I was able to convey to her that the conversation now goes on my terms. I gave her an opportunity to speak her mind and she didn't (and I'm pretty glad she didn't actually because that exchange could have got messy). Every breadcrumb I ignored (especially those after the exchange mentioned above) hastened my healing.

Everything needs to be about you now.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:08 PM   #52
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She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes.
This has been reverberating in my head since you posted it. It makes me want to puke.
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:02 AM   #53
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This has been reverberating in my head since you posted it. It makes me want to puke.
It should make you want to puke.

Because honestly if she meant what she said “I still love you”, she would still be with you.....

This is a game to her. You never paid her any attention until she came for you. You were probably the only guy that wasn’t at her feet. So she changed that, and now you are here trying to find peace again. All she has to do is throw a bread crumb your way every now and then. Don’t eat any more table scraps.

Find your anger for this one and move on. She can never be a friend.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:37 PM   #54
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It should make you want to puke.

Because honestly if she meant what she said “I still love you”, she would still be with you.....

This is a game to her. You never paid her any attention until she came for you. You were probably the only guy that wasn’t at her feet. So she changed that, and now you are here trying to find peace again. All she has to do is throw a bread crumb your way every now and then. Don’t eat any more table scraps.

Find your anger for this one and move on. She can never be a friend.
I don't know if it's a game to her exactly, but its something. She's incredibly impulsive and very attention seeking. I'm sure it drove her crazy for me not to reply to her earlier texts. Now she got what she wanted and it is driving me crazy that I cannot engage in any way to take it back.

The time I walked away from her mid-conversation, after she had draped herself on me (she was drunk), she had a look of disbelief on her face. I watched how much attention she got from men when I was with her. It was abnormal.

I remember when we were together, before she left town, the guy she is currently with came to a goodbye get together for her. Clearly, I did not know what was up. I saw them talking but I thought nothing of it. A mutual friend saw it too and said to me, "Don't worry about that. He just follows her around like a puppy dog."

Well, apparently that worked.

Or whatever. I can't know exactly what went down. Because I don't think she told me the truth and I won't ask her.

I find my anger now and then, and it helps. It helps too that just about everyone I've talked to about it says, "You dodged a bullet."

I was talking to the same mutual friend who said the thing about the puppy dog the other night, and she came up in conversation and he said something along the lines of "That girl's problem is she hates herself. She needs to talk to a therapist."

This should all make getting over her easier. But for some reason, I can't quite shake the spell she throws over me. In my less guarded moments, I find myself thinking about her coming back, thinking how if she left me for him she could leave him for me.

And of course that would lead to a life of blissful, easy co-existence, right?

Yeah, right.
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Old 5th March 2018, 9:06 PM   #55
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I have read through your threads about this breakup and your ex. What nobody has mentioned is the likeliness that she has a bit of a personality disorder. All the signs are there, you might want to do some reading about borderline personality disorder. I am no expert, but I have had some experience with women like this. What really stands out to me is the triangulating she has been doing with you and her now boyfriend. Why does she continue to reengage you? Why does she seem to want to keep you on the line? It's all a part of the disorder. I might be wrong, but it sounds like it to me. Once you realize that is a part of her pattern, a part of the disorder, you will see how lucky you were to be rid of her. I can tell you, her current boyfriend will end up in a much worse place than you eventually.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:18 PM   #56
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I have read through your threads about this breakup and your ex. What nobody has mentioned is the likeliness that she has a bit of a personality disorder. All the signs are there, you might want to do some reading about borderline personality disorder. I am no expert, but I have had some experience with women like this. What really stands out to me is the triangulating she has been doing with you and her now boyfriend. Why does she continue to reengage you? Why does she seem to want to keep you on the line? It's all a part of the disorder. I might be wrong, but it sounds like it to me. Once you realize that is a part of her pattern, a part of the disorder, you will see how lucky you were to be rid of her. I can tell you, her current boyfriend will end up in a much worse place than you eventually.
This is interesting to me.

I always wonder if I've done a decent enough job representing my situation. Of course, I can't be objective, so that makes it difficult for me to present her sympathetically, though believe it or not, I do try.

What is interesting though is that you are the second person this week to suggest borderline personality disorder. The first was a friend in town, one who is not close to, nor particularly likes, my ex. But I found it interesting he suggested it. I was going to look it up anyway.

At a glance, there are certainly traits that line up, more than I expected to find.

I'm curious to know what your experience with this type of personality has been.

The thing is when I think about things, I tend to idealize her and give her the benefit of the doubt that what she was doing was/is not strictly intentional. But then I think of specifics (for example why use the phrase "in love with you" as opposed to just "love you"; there's a difference and the former is more of a hook than the latter) and I think there may just be some method to what she's doing. When I am sympathetic to her, I tend to imagine her just being blindly impulsive (another symptom).

The other thing, and I just realized this today, is that I also tend to idealize her current relationship. This does me absolutely no good. I find myself envying this other guy's position, even though I am the one getting text messages from his girlfriend that would upset me if I were him.

If I were a more devious person, I swear, I might screenshot one of those texts and when I ran into him ask him for some help. "Listen," I might say, "Can you do me a favor and ask (x) to stop sending me stuff like this."

But I'm not that person. It's just that today was a little rough, so I'll just throw it out here as fantasy.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that. I really appreciate your opinion and I think there may be something to that suggestion. For real.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:32 PM   #57
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You're giving her the best of both worlds. She has a new boyfriend and you're "friends"?

So she's good.

Block and ignore if you want to move on.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:59 PM   #58
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How's the new girl?
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:58 AM   #59
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My experience with a BPD starts around two years ago. I got involved with a woman who works in a business I shared spaces with. She eventually got involved with another married coworker and got me evicted from my business space that I had for 12 years. She went on to destroy that guys life, getting him fired and causing his wife to leave him with the kids. And through all of this, she somehow was able to convince her boss that she is a victim.
I could never figure out her behavior... it really never made any sense.. and I finally come to the conclusion she had BPD.. several factors led to this including her cutting scars on her arms, a sign of BPD. I did a lot of reading up on the subject over many months and learned a lot. I also realized that several of my exes were likely BPD as well. The confusing part is that BPD has many faces and takes on different personalities with each person, so it is not a simple thing to see sometimes.
Like I said, I am no expert. Also, I have never met your ex, but the triangulation thing seems to be a very common thread with BPD. BPd is a disorder that essentially stems from fear of abandonment. So, in many cases, the BPD sufferer needs to keep more than one person on the hook to feel stable. They will push one person away and seek out the other, and, many times this cycle will repeat many times. Eventually they will find another source for attention, and push the closest person away, but keep them on the hook for future use.
Also, they tend to go from hot to cold with their opinion of someone... One day you will be the greatest, two weeks later, they will hate you. It is some crazy stuff. Trying to understand someone with this is seriously taxing. Basically, it simply doesn't make sense to normal people, nor should it.
Honestly, just keep this in mind. It is hard to say if this is the case, but I would say it is no coincidence someone else mentioned this to you. At least you can do a bit of reading up on it and learn something. BPD is more common than you would imagine.
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Old 6th March 2018, 9:06 AM   #60
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How's the new girl?
Jack mentioned that was a no go a few days a ago. No details given.
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