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I think I ate a breadcrumb


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 25th February 2018, 11:31 AM   #31
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Pops!

Thank you for posting that link! I've been watching his videos all morning, and he is spot on with everything.
I know! Heís awesome!
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Old 25th February 2018, 3:14 PM   #32
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Might just ruin things with the new girl youíre trying to talk to.

Here you are talking to your exís friends about this new girl and then telling your ex what you did.
Oh . . . I don't think that's a concern, but I see your point. I also think they probably tipped her off that I was there, and I suspect they will pass along that I was talking about another girl. That could even be why she sent the message, to try to reel me in a bit. Who knows? But as Veronica73 said, it also comes down to who cares?

Obviously, I do or I wouldn't have written anything here, but this is all very helpful in working it through and recognizing it for what it is, and as importantly, for what it is not.

But things with this other girl are only at the point where I am interested in trying to get to know her. I'm not even that sure she knows it. If that gets off the ground in any way then there is no texting the ex, at all.

She may roll that way. But I don't.
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Old 25th February 2018, 3:32 PM   #33
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I'll add to that too...don't go to that bar/place anymore..Unless you're on a date and she suggests it...you still don't go there! The ex 'got that place in the divorce'. I mean..you knew you'd eventually see her there..If you say you didn't I call,bull****.
Yes. I knew I'd eventually see her. Even if I didn't go there I'd eventually see her. Too many mutual friends. Too small a town.

I am reintroducing myself to the place carefully. I avoided it and her completely (to the point of having friends warn me if I were about to go somewhere they knew she was) for months.

Now, I am trying to innoculate myself and risk small interactions. The goal is to get to indifference. I do feel like I am moving along that trajectory and I hope that one day I get to return to these forums with a story about how we interacted and I felt nothing.

It's possible. And having everyone here help keep things in perspective is more helpful in that effort than I could possibly say.

As usa1ah and Been both pointed out, I think correctly, there was some intent to manipulate in that text, whether conscious or not, to keep me on the hook.

In a way, it worked, at least in the short term, but that is wearing off as I begin to be able to see it more clearly.

Sometimes you have to accept a step backward to keep moving forward. That's how I'm looking at it now anyway. So I think I will *mostly* avoid the place. I know I'm taking a risk.
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Old 26th February 2018, 12:01 PM   #34
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I think you did fine too. I'm in the camp that you came off as cool.


I posted this the other day. Although I had already blocked my ex (yes when the breadcrumbs keep coming you get to the point where you don't care anymore if they think badly of you for blocking them) after seeing this, it made me feel confident that I did the right thing. I believe it is gender neutral.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxuE6IOCKIA
Thanks! I finally got around to watching that. It does seem gender neutral and I like the way it frames the issue as "minimal possible invenstment." Plus, it's funny.
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Old 27th February 2018, 12:59 AM   #35
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Jack I just donít know.

Read The 180 and see if it might help you.

Just out of curiosity, what do you need to be able to interact with this ex?

I am sure there are people that you never interact with other then a hey. Make your ex one of this people. The 180 can help you do this.
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Old 27th February 2018, 2:12 AM   #36
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Jack I just donít know.

Read The 180 and see if it might help you.

Just out of curiosity, what do you need to be able to interact with this ex?

I am sure there are people that you never interact with other then a hey. Make your ex one of this people. The 180 can help you do this.
Hmmm . . . I have never looked at it from the perspective of your first question, which is a good one. What do I need?

I don't know. I need my confidence back, I think. She broke my heart when I thought it was past breaking, and it catalyzed something. A crisis of confidence. No one has ever dumped me like that before.

This has to do with the new girl ("new girl" is the wrong phrase; she's just someone I like) as well. I'm not worried so much about anyone thinking I am hung up on an old flame. I just want to be confident in my approach, because she's a catch.

You are helping though, a lot.

What is the 180?
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Old 27th February 2018, 5:05 PM   #37
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Ha! I just might. I like it.

That is so similar to what I told her when we had our break up conversation. I told her I loved her and that I didn't fall in or out of love easily, but that I would let her go. She asked me what I needed from her and offered the idea of "space."

I told her yes, I would need space. That I hoped she would change her mind but I really meant what I said about letting her go. There's a Pablo Neruda poem called "If You Forget Me" which lays out the sentiment better than I ever could. Seriously, its beautiful. Google it!

Then I put my hand on her cheek, kissed her tenderly goodbye, turned and walked away. I never looked back, and I never contacted her again, until now.

For what it's worth, that did get to her. One of the first texts I got from her, during the time she was supposed to be giving me space was, "I don't expect you to reply. But I find your silence upsetting. You walked away so easily."

No, I freaking didn't. It was as hard as anything I've ever done. But I did it, and she didn't have to know how hard it was, the way I saw it. My dignity is intact, if not my pride.
Yeah. I would have appeared much worse a fool if I hadn't been proud and wanted to maintain my dignity. But I was bad enough about waiting for guys to like me more, especially this one who just wouldn't go away even after I'd made him tell me it wasn't going to happen. Still, he'd get jealous and stuff. I remember once at a Halloween party, his little brothers came and I met them. They asked me if I was his girlfriend, and I said animatedly and rolling my eyes in disgust, No, at one time I wanted to be, but HE didn't want to (little pout), and they both scrunched their faces up and said what a stupid dork he was. Haha. So funny. I can only imagine how much crap they gave him.

Really, it was that guy that made me have to draw on some self-discipline and keep being active when I was really sad and put one foot in front of the other. It was a tough ride with him and it defied reason. It would be 10 years before I'd find out he'd had an incident of molestation and had ED problems and that it was really him and not me. But life was hard for quite a while over him and then I met the one I had the cancer for. It didn't get much better, but at least he would admit he was in a relationship of sorts....
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Old 27th February 2018, 6:32 PM   #38
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"You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you." This is a general polite response, but not "too polite", so you didn't sound cold. It's like you said completely nothing, but wasn't rude. You did great.
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Old 27th February 2018, 10:19 PM   #39
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Just lightening up the mood here

I wouldn't eat a breadcrumb unless it was served with something yummy like pumpkin soup

On a more serious note OP, the title of your thread makes it obvious that you understand the post breakup dynamics.

I experienced something similar and like you my logical self understood what was going on. But the way it ended was just so bad, I would still go against the logic sometimes.

In life we learn that emotions and logic don't always marry up. As humans, we aren't built to purely think in logical terms during an emotional crisis. If this wasn't the case, Euthanasia would most likely be legal all around the world.

I think at the end of the day it's good to understand that logic and emotions run side-by-side in life. As you get older you get a little bit better at lessening the impact of emotions which gives a better chance of following through on logic.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:00 PM   #40
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Grrrrr . . .

Just a little venting. I just took a walk to go grab something to eat and a glass of wine, at that same bar. As I got close enough to see inside, I could see her and her friends sitting where I normally would, just hanging out.

So I kept on walking.

It makes me mad that I had to do that, but I don't want another interaction. It also makes me mad that she is there at all, because she knows that's where I go. I get that she is just living her life. I can't expect her to avoid the place on my account, but as I was saying . . . grrrr.

Hopefully, she didn't see me. I doubt she did. But it makes me feel a little bit like I am being cowardly. As I said when I started this thread, I do not want to avoid her forever. But I didn't want to deal with that tonight.

There's a part of me that wants to just go back, sit down and mind my business and do what I intended to do. The other part of me -- hopefully the smarter part -- thought no good could come of that, especially so soon after that recent exchange. So I'm going to go somewhere else where I don't know as many people. That's a bummer, because I wanted to socialize a bit.

So instead I walked around the block, stopped back home, and wrote this little frustrated note.

Now I am going to go back out, sit down somewhere else and have that glass of wine.

I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:40 PM   #41
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Your going to have to face her sooner or latter. I can understand why your doing what you are because I myself did the avoiding for awhile.
But what I realized was by avoiding I was letting her control an aspect of MY life when she shouldn't have which was my fault. Kinda gave her a power over me.
You'll reach a point when you won't care if you run into her but it won't happen if you keep having to ALTER your lifestyle to avoid her.
What helped me was once I realized who she really was it was easier if she attempted to talk with me because 80% of why she said would be lies or not the full truth.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:34 AM   #42
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"You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you." This is a general polite response, but not "too polite", so you didn't sound cold. It's like you said completely nothing, but wasn't rude. You did great.
Thank you so much. This really helps.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:38 AM   #43
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Hmmm . . . I have never looked at it from the perspective of your first question, which is a good one. What do I need?

I don't know. I need my confidence back, I think. She broke my heart when I thought it was past breaking, and it catalyzed something. A crisis of confidence. No one has ever dumped me like that before.

This has to do with the new girl ("new girl" is the wrong phrase; she's just someone I like) as well. I'm not worried so much about anyone thinking I am hung up on an old flame. I just want to be confident in my approach, because she's a catch.

You are helping though, a lot.

What is the 180?
You can find The 180 on the internet and download it. It is used to help someone detach from and relationship that has failed like yours.

I havenít read it but there are a lot of people that swear by it.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:38 AM   #44
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Your going to have to face her sooner or latter. I can understand why your doing what you are because I myself did the avoiding for awhile.
But what I realized was by avoiding I was letting her control an aspect of MY life when she shouldn't have which was my fault. Kinda gave her a power over me.
You'll reach a point when you won't care if you run into her but it won't happen if you keep having to ALTER your lifestyle to avoid her.
What helped me was once I realized who she really was it was easier if she attempted to talk with me because 80% of why she said would be lies or not the full truth.
This is the truth. What frustrates me about tonight is that I altered my plan. On the other hand, I had had a long day, have things to do tomorrow, and for the moment, didn't want to risk another interaction. What I learned from the last exchange is that she still has some power over me.

I just think I needed a break.

I will be back.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:42 AM   #45
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Grrrrr . . .

Just a little venting. I just took a walk to go grab something to eat and a glass of wine, at that same bar. As I got close enough to see inside, I could see her and her friends sitting where I normally would, just hanging out.

So I kept on walking.

It makes me mad that I had to do that, but I don't want another interaction. It also makes me mad that she is there at all, because she knows that's where I go. I get that she is just living her life. I can't expect her to avoid the place on my account, but as I was saying . . . grrrr.

Hopefully, she didn't see me. I doubt she did. But it makes me feel a little bit like I am being cowardly. As I said when I started this thread, I do not want to avoid her forever. But I didn't want to deal with that tonight.

There's a part of me that wants to just go back, sit down and mind my business and do what I intended to do. The other part of me -- hopefully the smarter part -- thought no good could come of that, especially so soon after that recent exchange. So I'm going to go somewhere else where I don't know as many people. That's a bummer, because I wanted to socialize a bit.

So instead I walked around the block, stopped back home, and wrote this little frustrated note.

Now I am going to go back out, sit down somewhere else and have that glass of wine.

I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.
What you are going through here is what the 180 is supposed to help with.
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