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I think I ate a breadcrumb


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 23rd February 2018, 11:31 AM   #1
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I think I ate a breadcrumb

So after months of keeping my cool, I think my ex kind of got to me.

After a couple months of strict no contact, which included staying away from places where my ex and her new boyfriend (an ex of hers she went back to, I think) would be, I decided I had had enough and needed to start just living my life. We live in a small town, so it was either that or basically give up on social events.

And look, I know I'm overthinking everything, but I've got to get it out somewhere.

So last night, I was sitting by myself, eating late (like real late) at a restaurant/bar which both she and I frequent. She used to work there in fact. That's kind of how we met.

Anyway, it was quiet, like I'm the only one in the place quiet, for quite a bit, then her best friend came in and sat down next to me. She was with her housemate and we chatted, mostly small talk, some stuff about how her housemate had a date coming up, etc . . . Her best friend talked about how she was recently single, etc . . . it was a dating conversation, you know?

Now, after months of ruminating and obsessing on my ex, much of which is documented on this site, I recently have started to become interested in another girl. The fact that this girl makes me nervous as all get out and I can't seem to do anything but be tongue tied around her is probably a worthy subject for a thread on how to approach a girl who makes you nervous. This is not to say I have forgotten my feelings for my ex, just that I had accepted the situation and could see there were other options out there. In fact, this is what I was talking to her best friend about -- how there was this girl I wanted to try to get a date with but who made me nervous -- when my ex walked in.

This was completely unexpected, not least because the door to the restaurant was locked and she would have had to call to get let in. But it wasn't too far out of the range of normal, as she was apparently there to pick up her W2. To the best of my knowledge, her boyfriend's band was playing at a bar in the same building, so the timing made sense.

As with all these interactions what happened next seemed to happen very fast.

I was immediately struck by how attractive she is. This is something I have come to understand is just going to happen. But my heart didn't jump, and I didn't feel nervous. I felt fine. Not thrilled, but fine.

So I don't have any idea who initiated it -- we both must have -- but the next thing I knew we were hugging. Not a false hug, but a real one.

"I realize this is awkward," she said, "But I miss you."

"I miss you too," I said.

Not so crazy about that, but whatever. It's true, and in the moment, it felt good. I turned back around and sat down to finish eating while she picked up her W2 and talked to her friends. At some point she asked me if I was going to the bar where the music was playing. I said no.

Everyone parted amicably and after giving them a little lead time, I left to walk home.

Walking home, I heard the text message on my phone chime a few times and for a second I thought it was her, but I checked and it was another friend.

I got home and thought about the interaction. It wasn't all that bad, I decided, considering that I don't want to be awkward around her, and the "I miss you too," wasn't said out of desperation or anything like that. It was almost normal.

Almost. Because the truth is I am still not cool with her new relationship. It was too traumatic a break for me to really ever be cool with.

Anyway, I was pondering all this when I decided I should answer my friend's text. When I took out my phone, I saw that one of the messages that had come in indeed did come from her. She must have sent it in the twenty or so minutes between her leaving and my walking home.

It just said, "I will always be in love with you."

She's sent things kind of like this in the past, but not that direct, and until now I have answered precisely none of them. But now I was a little drunk and not thinking straight and I wasn't thinking about her boyfriend (I'm not sure she was either, come to think of it), or how badly things ended. I was just feeling what I felt when we hugged. That I really did miss her.

So I replied, "You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you."

That's all.

I realize this is a long-winded way to tell such a short, non-eventful story, but I had to get it out. I am trying not to analyze it too much. I mean, I sent the text. I can't take it back, and texting anything further would only make it worse. But I can't help but think she finally got what she wanted from me. It's been months since we broke up. I have gotten my fair share of breadcrumb texts in that time. Not once did I give in. I have run into her a handful of times. Not once did I give away more than an inkling of my feelings.

Of course, the fact that so much time has gone by makes it a little more bearable. I was just thinking earlier that day how I was approaching indifference, how, in fact, had things not ended the way they did, I'd probably have been something like friends with her by now. But things ended as harshly as they could have and I will never really forget that.

So I kind of wish I hadn't given her the satisfaction of that reply. She charmed me and I fell for it.

I'm writing in here partially to keep me from writing anything else to her, you know, some kind of foolish attempt to water down the sentiment. I mean I more or less told her I would always be in love with her. And there is a part of me that maybe will, I don't know. There's a part of me that will always be angry at her too.

What I ought to be doing is figuring out how to ask this other girl out. That had been dominating my attention for a couple of weeks. Now here I am, overanalyzing texts.

So what do you all think? I could use any of your thoughts. They have been tremendously helpful in the past and for the most part kept me out of trouble as I grind my way through this recovery.

Let me clarify one thing though. I am not going to go back to avoiding her. The restaurant I am talking about is where most of my friends congregate. She doesnít get to just have it, and besides things had reached the point where avoiding her was impeding progress. I am trying to get to the point where her presence doesnít bother me. I am close. This is also why I havenít blocked her on the phone. I have blocked her everywhere else, so I donít see her life and I donít feel any temptation to present my own distorted for her to see. The phone I have generally been quite disciplined with. Iíve initiated no contact whatsoever, and ignored everything sheís written to me up until now.

I am just curious how that text exchange comes off. Did I blow my cool?

Plus, does anyone else think her text is an odd one to send when you have a boyfriend, or is that just me bugging?
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Old 23rd February 2018, 11:43 AM   #2
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In my opinion, it was a mistake to text back. It sounds like she's the one who left you and took up with her ex-boyfriend. She sounds like a real piece of work, because imagine if you were her boyfriend and she sent that text to her ex. Very disrespectful all around.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 11:49 AM   #3
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In my opinion, it was a mistake to text back. It sounds like she's the one who left you and took up with her ex-boyfriend. She sounds like a real piece of work, because imagine if you were her boyfriend and she sent that text to her ex. Very disrespectful all around.
Yep. That's kind of how I feel. I got caught up in the moment and fed her ego, which I had been very carefully not doing for months.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 12:11 PM   #4
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Well, there are two ways to take your text. The one way is you fed her ego. The other is that you don't come off as hurt and bitter. You came off as cool, imo. And further, you didn't write something such as you love her, too, and let's get together and talk about it, or whatever. You just left it alone.

She's the one who reached out, not you. I don't think you hurt your cause here. If anything, what you did and said will leave her with warm feelings for you. When things get rough with the new guy, at some point they will if they stay together as relationships have ups and downs, she can think back on the warm, caring ex she left for her current guy whom she's ticked off at.

Obviously she's unstable and prone to acting on emotions as she demonstrated by cheating on her bf when telling you she will always love you. That's not the kind of woman you want to settle down with so count your blessings that you dodged a bullet with her, be glad you came off as magnanimous, keep moving on and when/if you ever get a text like that again, you have the option to text back or not.

When you get into a R with someone new she may turn up again out of displaced jealousy. So decide how you want to handle it and stick with the plan. Drinking alcohol has caused me to do some things I wouldn't ordinarily have said or done, too, so that's why I no longer do it, something to think about.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 12:16 PM   #5
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Well, there are two ways to take your text. The one way is you fed her ego. The other is that you don't come off as hurt and bitter. You came off as cool, imo. And further, you didn't write something such as you love her, too, and let's get together and talk about it, or whatever. You just left it alone.

She's the one who reached out, not you. I don't think you hurt your cause here. If anything, what you did and said will leave her with warm feelings for you. When things get rough with the new guy, at some point they will if they stay together as relationships have ups and downs, she can think back on the warm, caring ex she left for her current guy whom she's ticked off at.

Obviously she's unstable and prone to acting on emotions as she demonstrated by cheating on her bf when telling you she will always love you. That's not the kind of woman you want to settle down with so count your blessings that you dodged a bullet with her, be glad you came off as magnanimous, keep moving on and when/if you ever get a text like that again, you have the option to text back or not.

When you get into a R with someone new she may turn up again out of displaced jealousy. So decide how you want to handle it and stick with the plan. Drinking alcohol has caused me to do some things I wouldn't ordinarily have said or done, too, so that's why I no longer do it, something to think about.
Hmmmm . . . obviously, I like this perspective better. And I am going to just leave it alone from here. BUT I did kind of say I love you too, right? I mean, more or less. I suppose the thing is I am just overthinking it. But it's kept me from following up in any way, which I was tempted to do, like write something to downplay it. Which of course would really be to blow my cool. So thanks a lot for listening and weighing in!

Also, I caught what you said about drinking. Totally different subject, but I have been thinking about that too. Seriously.

Last edited by jackofmany; 23rd February 2018 at 12:20 PM..
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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:37 PM   #6
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If she really loved/missed you she wouldíve left with you, instead she went to meet her boyfriend. Talk is cheap.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 3:20 PM   #7
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If she really loved/missed you she wouldíve left with you, instead she went to meet her boyfriend. Talk is cheap.
I agree. But why say it at all? I didn't mind the exchange of "I miss you"s. Enough time has gone by that that didn't bother me. You can miss someone and not want to go home with them.

And yes, talk is cheap. I don't exactly buy what she's saying. But to write "I will always be in love with you," while you are at your man's show, or just when you have a man, period. That's weird to me.

"Nice to see you," is normal, or whatever. But I don't get what would motivate her to use a loaded phrase like 'in love'

Don't get me wrong. I know how love works. When you are in love with someone you go home with them, so it's something else. I'm not going to ask her and I'll just let this drift further in the rear view, but for the life of me I don't get it.

My own response . . . eh . . . maybe it would have been better to leave it alone, but as I said above, I can live with it. At least it doesn't sound desperate or anything, at least not to me.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 3:46 PM   #8
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I thought you did well...until I saw your reply to her last text.

How do you take anything she says seriously? She has a new boyfriend. It's a load of bull. Attention seeking, drama queen like stuff.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 3:46 PM   #9
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I agree with the other poster who said that your response sounded "cool". Your response seems like that is what you were expecting her to say(her text), not necessarily what you wanted her to say. I know you said "me too baby" but you didn't actually say the words "I love you". It makes a difference in my opinion.

As for her saying that she missed you and will always love you, that just might be what she felt when she saw you, that doesn't mean that she wants you. I'm semi-friendly with 2 of my exes that I have no longer have any attraction to whatsoever. I ran into one of them on the subway one day and I was surprised at how good looking I thought he was. It kind of took me aback since I see him as a big doofus in my mind That didn't mean that I was attracted to him, it was an observation.

I haven't read your break-up story so I don't know how much of a jerk she was to you but it sounds to me like you have been doing everything right with no contact so don't let this interaction get to you too much (I know easier said than done) Keep that other girl that you are interested in your mind and figure out how you are going to work up to approaching her
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Old 23rd February 2018, 4:47 PM   #10
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I haven't read your break-up story so I don't know how much of a jerk she was to you but it sounds to me like you have been doing everything right with no contact so don't let this interaction get to you too much (I know easier said than done) Keep that other girl that you are interested in your mind and figure out how you are going to work up to approaching her
This is a good point! I had been looking forward rather than backwards before that text. It had more of an effect on me that I suppose I was prepared for.

She's done this before. A couple of months ago, after an extremely brief and random run-in, also while still with her boyfriend, she wrote me something like "You are beautiful and I think about you every day." I ignored that one.

To be honest, some of it could just be guilt. She really did screw me over.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 5:56 PM   #11
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How do you feel about the message? Anything since?
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Old 23rd February 2018, 5:58 PM   #12
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She sounds like a peice of work. See her for the comedian she is and enrol her in some comedy classes!
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Old 23rd February 2018, 6:14 PM   #13
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How do you feel about the message? Anything since?
No. I don't suspect there will be either. She is impulsive to say the least.

How do I feel about it? Well, I have mixed feelings. It's nice to know she wasn't able to just forget about me completely. We had a very short and quite unlikely romance, but man was it good when it was good.

The only bad thing about it was how it ended, which was awful. Aside from the very end, I don't have any bad memories with her at all, only great ones, so that has made some parts of getting past it more difficult, because, you know, denial.

But I feel good that I made an impression on her. The truth is I was a rebound of some kind and didn't know it. In all humility, I don't think she was expecting what she got with me and she fell a bit harder than she was prepared for, but she was always going to go back to her ex if he made the right play, which he did.

On the other hand, I also fell harder for her than I expected to. There's a way in which the message bothers me, because it messes with my feelings. I can't tell if she knows she's doing that or not.

One day far down the line we may make actual peace with each other, but that's going to come when I can finally let the ego blow she delivered go. I'm not there yet. But I am working on it.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 6:51 PM   #14
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I think what you texted could be interpreted as perfectly fine...depending on how far you are along in moving on. It seems like you have been doing well and moving forward with your life and mostly put her behind you. Like they say, the no contact thing is for YOU. I don’t think it is supposed to be punishment or a way to get back at your ex. So as far as that goes, I think it was fine. The part that makes me hesitate, is that you are now dwelling on her and wondering why she texted it and what not... which says you haven’t put her as far behind you as you need to. I think what you texted was perfectly fine... as long as afterwards, you were able to put her out of your mind and not wonder why she sent that to you. But you’re not there yet. She is still yanking your chain. It doesn’t matter why she sent it (who cares-not your problem), and it doesn’t matter that you told her something heartfelt, as long as that’s all it is and you don’t waste any more thoughts or energy on her. It’s over. She’s someone in your past you loved and still have feelings for. But she is still in your past and should stay there.

Last edited by Veronica73; 23rd February 2018 at 6:51 PM.. Reason: Typo
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Old 23rd February 2018, 7:20 PM   #15
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I think what you texted could be interpreted as perfectly fine...depending on how far you are along in moving on. It seems like you have been doing well and moving forward with your life and mostly put her behind you. Like they say, the no contact thing is for YOU. I donít think it is supposed to be punishment or a way to get back at your ex. So as far as that goes, I think it was fine. The part that makes me hesitate, is that you are now dwelling on her and wondering why she texted it and what not... which says you havenít put her as far behind you as you need to. I think what you texted was perfectly fine... as long as afterwards, you were able to put her out of your mind and not wonder why she sent that to you. But youíre not there yet. She is still yanking your chain. It doesnít matter why she sent it (who cares-not your problem), and it doesnít matter that you told her something heartfelt, as long as thatís all it is and you donít waste any more thoughts or energy on her. Itís over. Sheís someone in your past you loved and still have feelings for. But she is still in your past and should stay there.
Spot on, Veronica73.

I didn't expect to be perseverating over it. It kind of crept up on me. But you are right. That's evidence that more time and space is necessary.

But I do feel like I am getting there. And the no contact thing absolutely has been working. I'll say this too. Right after we broke up, I immediately went into no contact, but not for the right reasons. I was focused on getting her back. At some point, that changed and I started focusing on my own life again. There was no contact at all between these two phases; however, I don't consider the "no contact" period that is so often discussed here to have really started until the reasons behind it became correct.

Thanks for your insight.
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